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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:

WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut · 08/07/2021 23:13

@Pregnantmama93

@*@WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut* I did not even think about having her "on call" so to speak outside for if I needed her. That's quite reassuring actually. If it is unfortunately a long birth he needed a snooze or a minute she can step in so he wouldn't feel he is abandoning me.

This might be a good compromise then. My DM was at my DN's birth, it was supposed to just be DSis and BIL, but neither could drive at the time so DM took them to the hospital, and it was actually BIL who asked DM to stay!

The tricky thing is, no one knows how anyone is going to react/behave/act until it's happening. Your DH might come into his own and really step up and suprise you. He might feel completely out of his depth and beg your DM to be there. For me, a safe bet would be to have DM on 'standby' as you say, and just see how it pans out.

Brown76 · 08/07/2021 23:13

I felt that I wanted a woman who had been through birth to be there as well as DP. In the end he did all the hands on supporting but it was reassuring to me to have that other person there, especially for birth 1 when we had no clue!

MrsDoctorDear · 08/07/2021 23:14

My Ex was dreading (terrified) at the thought of being there and had spoken for months before about not being able to handle it. He'd go white when the subject came up.
However, waters broke 3 weeks early during the night. He had no option but to come with me.

He was absolutely fantastic! Made me laugh, kept me calm, was so supportive, he surprised both of us. It was an amazing experience and he was so pleased he was there.
I really think you are worrying unnecessarily. Give him a chance.

Don't have your mum hovering around the hospital, just phone her if and when you need her to come in.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 08/07/2021 23:15

@Wearywithteens

It’s a very special intimate experience as a couple. And an important moment in bonding with his child.

Unless you are a young teenager, or he is some feckless dum dum then you don’t need your mother there. You might think you do, but he should be stepping up to support you and he is telling you he wants to.

This is actually ridiculous. Bonding doesn’t need to happen as the baby is coming down canal! Women have supported women in birth since the beginning of time and women’s rights and needs trump men’s ALWAYS in the delivery room.

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 23:16

@Froglette16 thank you for that. That's what I am thinking if anything doesn't go to plan there is a "tag team" so to speak. No one knows which sort of labour they will get and I would feel more secure knowing there is more then one person ready to support us.

OP posts:

TurdCrapley · 08/07/2021 23:16

I had my fiancé and mum with me when I gave birth. I wasn't sure how my fiancé would react to the whole thing and my mum provided that extra reassurance. Fiancé didn't mind one bit and she took the first photo of him and DS which I wouldn't have been able to do straight away. My mum literally saw my DS crowning and cut the cord😂(fiancé didn't want to cut it, would've fainted) then my mum left about 20 minutes after he was born. It was brilliant tbh and I'd probably have her there if I have any more babies.

You're the one giving birth, if you feel you need your mum there then your DH just has to suck it up.

Cushionsnotpillows · 08/07/2021 23:18

@GreyhoundG1rl your support for the poor little menz to the detriment of women all over this site is rather sickening. Maybe try a nice cosy little incel group, I'm sure they will appreciate you.

Zhampagne · 08/07/2021 23:19

I'm sure there are plenty of people who have their mother there at the birth but I don't personally know anyone who did. I am very close to my mum but that moment when we became parents was absolutely private to the both of us and I could not have imagined having anyone other than medical staff there.

You should have whoever makes you feel most comfortable but it sounds like there is a bigger issue here around whether you feel confident that your partner will step up as a support for you and as a father, and whether he will be able to do that if he isn't put into a situation where he has to without the safety net of your mum.

Sittinginthesand · 08/07/2021 23:21

It’s not a ‘birth experience’ it’s you giving birth to your baby. I feel a bit sorry for your dh and can understand why he wants it to be just the two of you.

NewlyGranny · 08/07/2021 23:22

This is ultimately your call, not his. He should be listening to what you need, not centring himself. Tell him labour can be very, very long and he and your DM can spell each other so he gets breaks for refreshment or rest. He's going to need a partner to share the work and he wants you to be as relaxed and supported as possible, surely?

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 23:25

[quote Cushionsnotpillows]@GreyhoundG1rl your support for the poor little menz to the detriment of women all over this site is rather sickening. Maybe try a nice cosy little incel group, I'm sure they will appreciate you. [/quote]
I seem to have chosen my partner well. Clearly some did not.
Your post says more about you than me, tbh, fill your boots

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 23:25

@frazzledasarock my mum is so calm and that's what I am hoping would happen if neddes. If anything didn't go to plan as some births don't I would feel more secure knowing there is someone for both of us to support and lean on.

She couldn't imagine her taking over or anything like that.

OP posts:

Froglette16 · 08/07/2021 23:25

It’s not for everyone, but the tag team worked for me. The intimate moment of birth could be just you and DH, but having someone you trust there in the background can be a lifesaver, especially for your DH. Someone to talk to, grab a coffee or bite to eat etc

ThanksItHasPockets · 08/07/2021 23:26

[quote Pregnantmama93]@Cillmantain sorry I worded it incorrectly. He was with me during the scare, I would always call him first. No back story I am not 100% sure how he would cope during the birth, he panics quite alot and I wouldn't want that to happen and make me panic.[/quote]
This is quite a big issue, OP. On some level your partner knows that you have doubts about his ability to step up. I suspect that's why he feels the way he does, and that it's nothing to do with jealousy or competition with your mother. What has he done to prepare for birth and early parenthood? Have you attended any antenatal classes together, or has he read any books?

Cushionsnotpillows · 08/07/2021 23:32

@GreyhoundG1rl not just a misogynist, a smug superior misogynist! Bingo!

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/07/2021 23:32

I only wanted my husband but it’s your choice.

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 23:33

@GreyhoundG1rl no not at all it's more I don't want him panicky and fussing, when I know my mum would help the situation feel more relaxed and I would feel more secure. He is quite a panicky person and I wouldn't want it to be just us both panicking. He could come into his own and that would be amazing. If we are blessed to have another ( I know not even had the first one) and I felt secure it would just be us two.

OP posts:

Verbena87 · 08/07/2021 23:34

It’s a very special intimate experience as a couple. And an important moment in bonding with his child.

I’m glad you found that, but it really isn’t that way for everyone.

I shat myself repeatedly, puked a lot, thought I was genuinely going to die, lost enough blood to need a transfusion, and had my nethers sliced up with a big pair of scissors. Fortunately for us both as a couple, none of these experienced feature in our very special intimate moments.

It was awesome having my sister there. She helped us both loads. I came out of what could’ve been a fast-track to PTSD feeling so loved and celebrated by two of my favourite people.

We couldn’t bond as a family as-per hypnobirthing ideals because baby was whizzed straight to NICU for two hours of monitoring and I wish to god I hadn’t had the romanticised image of post-delivery bonding presented to me as the only option before birth because actually even with no skin-to-skin until he was a couple of hours old, and both of us bashed about by delivery, he took to breastfeeding like a champ (stopped aged 3, never needed formula), and has a really secure attachment with both of us.

I think there is too much pressure and too many ‘shoulda’ attached to specific moments - if you and baby are both alive and well at the end, that’s a win - you have the rest of all 3 of your lives to figure out what your version of special, bonded, and perfect looks like.

Sittinginthesand · 08/07/2021 23:35

Also beware that you may change your mind about everything when you are actually in labour! I had planned to have a waterbirth and totally forgot all about it! When you are actually ‘in the zone’ you might not be that bothered by who is there at all.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 23:37

[quote Pregnantmama93]@GreyhoundG1rl no not at all it's more I don't want him panicky and fussing, when I know my mum would help the situation feel more relaxed and I would feel more secure. He is quite a panicky person and I wouldn't want it to be just us both panicking. He could come into his own and that would be amazing. If we are blessed to have another ( I know not even had the first one) and I felt secure it would just be us two.[/quote]
Well, I hope it goes well for both of you

Dyra · 08/07/2021 23:37

I had my mum and DH there with me when I gave birth. DH is really not good with blood, needles or vomit, and has fainted at the sight of all 3 before. I wanted my mum there in case he couldn't handle it. Plus Mum has had 4 vaginal births (1 ventouse, 1 forceps, 2 regular) and 1 Cat. 1 section, was there when my sister gave birth, and is a hell of a mama bear when needs be. In the end, to be brutally honest, I didn't need either of them there. I was in my own little drug addled world cracking in with things while in active labour. A Mardi gras parade could have detoured through my room and I probably wouldn't have noticed. I have some lovely photos of DH, baby and I in our first moments as a family thanks to my Mum.

If I ever get pregnant again, I'll just have DH with me. Now we've been through it once together, we know we'll be fine. Plus Mum has to do the very important job of looking after DD for us

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 23:37

@TurdCrapley that's wonderful. This is what I was thinking. She wouldn't overshadow him just be in the background and that's beautiful she captured the first meeting of baby and son .

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 23:39

[quote Cushionsnotpillows]@GreyhoundG1rl not just a misogynist, a smug superior misogynist! Bingo! [/quote]
I've clearly touched a nerve. Bless you, I'm so sorry 😢

Seasidemumma77 · 08/07/2021 23:40

My mum insisted on being at the birth of dc1, as she felt dp would need support as well as me. Dp was reluctant, but on the day neither would have got through a very difficult and stressful labour/delivery with out her calmness, love and support. My DM was also there for next 2dc, again much needed support, sadly dc4 arrived before DM reached hospital.

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 23:41

@Sittinginthesand You are 100% right there. We all have birth plans but how many go to plan!

OP posts:

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