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Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
noblegreenk · 08/07/2021 22:27

I just had my husband but if my mum was still alive i'd have wanted her there too. Nothing against my partner but I was very close to my mum and knowing she'd been through childbirth herself, I would've found that comforting.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:27

@wanttomarryamillionaire

You are the one giving birth so its up to you! Tell him to grow the fuck up and get over himself! I had my mother, my grandmother and my husband, I didn't ask my husband i told him!
Poor sod.
CrotchetyQuaver · 08/07/2021 22:28

My mum was present for both my births. I think it worked well having 2 supporters, not least in long labours they were able to either both be there or one be able to go out for a break. When push came to shove, I needed EMCS both times and since my DH felt that was more than he could cope with, my DM came in with me and he waited outside and they took the baby out to show him as soon as they'd finished their checks. I think your DH should reconsider. Ultimately it should be up to you to decide who's in there, you're the one giving birth not him.

TaVeryMuchLove · 08/07/2021 22:28

@Megan2018

I just had my husband, having your mum is weird if you have a supportive partner. I know lots of people do it, but I still think it’s really odd to have 2 people.
Me too. Completely agree and I’m really close to my mum.
wanttomarryamillionaire · 08/07/2021 22:29

@GreyhoundG1rl he was actually relieved that he didn't have to cope with it all by himself!

gollymissdolly · 08/07/2021 22:29

I had my husband with me for the birth of my DC.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:29

@Verbena87 That is absolutely lovely to read and seems like a great birth experience! The thing is they both get on like a house on fire, we joke she loves him more then meGrin . I understand we both need to agree and be on the same page for out birth experience t9 be the same

OP posts:
Lakeshore6 · 08/07/2021 22:29

I am torn for you here OP. I agree you should have the support you feel you need, however I also feel for your partner, it is a special time for him too.

But the bottom line is, it’s you giving birth, you get the final say.

Bagelsandbrie · 08/07/2021 22:30

Tough one really because obviously you’re the one going through it and if you want your mum then part of me thinks that’s up to you but if the boot was on the other foot there’s absolutely no way I’d ever want my mil to be there if (by some miracle) my dh could give birth..! I think it’s a private thing between you and your partner. But that’s just me.

saraclara · 08/07/2021 22:30

@Horehound

I personally feel like this is between the two people who made the baby and can totally see his side. Did your mum have your father and her mother in the birth room or did she manage with your father?
That. In his position I'd feel really sad, and somewhat demoted.

I know loads of people are saying 'it's all about you' but we all want our partners to be involved don't we? By saying he's not enough at the birth of his own child, it somewhat undermines the 'equal partner in parenting and looking after the baby' part when it arrives.

Couchbettato · 08/07/2021 22:31

@AvantGardening

I think the key point here is when you had a scare you instinctively wanted her not him.
Agreed.

It's not about him.

He's just a spectator.

You need someone who will advocate for you if things go wrong or if your needs aren't being met. Not someone who has this rose tinted and controlling view of what your medical procedure and who is involved should look like.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 08/07/2021 22:31

This is your birth - you are the one actually having the baby - what you want goes

No it is the babies birth!!!!

I couldn't have imagined anything worse than my mum or sister there.

Couchbettato · 08/07/2021 22:33

In addition, I think any good partner should be able to put their pride away for the sake of their pregnant partner.

He might have wants, and he can communicate those but ultimately he should respect your decision because you've got sound reasoning behind it..

Sittingonabench · 08/07/2021 22:34

When he’s the one pushing a baby out of his valine he can dictate the guest list

MaMelon · 08/07/2021 22:34

I think the key point here is when you had a scare you instinctively wanted her not him

No, the OP has clarified - he was there with her when she had the scare. She then called her mum before she called the midwife.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:34

It's not about him.

He's just a spectator.

You need someone who will advocate for you if things go wrong or if your needs aren't being met. Not someone who has this rose tinted and controlling view of what your medical procedure and who is involved should look like.

What does all that mean? 🙄

Use627 · 08/07/2021 22:34

Who gives a flying fuck about what he wants. Next time he's pushing a human out tell him he can have who he likes there 😂 makes me laugh when men think they have a right to a say in this stuff, but also upsets me that you have even considered his opinion on this particular matter. Stand up for yourself

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:35

@wanttomarryamillionaire How did you find your birth? Did you think it went smoother having that extra support and what wrree his thoughts afterwards? Did he feel included as I think my partner feels he will be pushed out but that wouldn't be the case

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:35

@Sittingonabench

When he’s the one pushing a baby out of his valine he can dictate the guest list
Out of his valine? I'd buy tickets to see that.
GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:36

@Use627

Who gives a flying fuck about what he wants. Next time he's pushing a human out tell him he can have who he likes there 😂 makes me laugh when men think they have a right to a say in this stuff, but also upsets me that you have even considered his opinion on this particular matter. Stand up for yourself
Your relationships have clearly been shit.
Undersnatch · 08/07/2021 22:36

I can’t imagine anything worse than having my mum there so can’t relate. I disagree with the ‘he needs to suck it up’ comments. But if it’s really very important to you then you need to be clear on that and talk it all through. If you are both allowed your feelings and no one vilifies one another then you should be able to come up with a way forward.

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/07/2021 22:38

I would rather have given birth alone than have had my mum at mine, but if you want your mum at yours then I think you should have her there. I don't think it's weird at all, I think it's rather lovely, and I think it's a shame that your DH can't think about your needs at this time.

cocomelonz · 08/07/2021 22:38

Can I ask where abouts in the country you are? I'm 29 weeks and desperately want to have my mum with me but obviously if it's still only 1 person allowed it will be DH

Deathsquito · 08/07/2021 22:38

I also can’t understand the whole rebranding of birth as an ‘experience’. Especially the watching of it.

Like one of those experience gift cards you can get for a paint balling lesson or five minutes driving a race car...

WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut · 08/07/2021 22:38

For me, I had my DP and a midwife. It was a very intimate time for us as a couple and couldn't imagine anyone else sharing that part of our relationship.

Can your DM not wait around and call her in if you think you need her? Maybe your DH will feel like he can't relax properly or take it all in if your DM is there? I know for me and my DP, having anyone else there would have changed the 'vibe'

But then I'm not that close to my DM so maybe that is skewing my opinion. I'm all for 'your birth your choice' but I do think you should at least consider your husbands feelings.