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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:

Graphista · 08/07/2021 21:57

It's your decision, not his.

I had just my then dh there by choice but I'm not close to my mum she'd have driven me nuts!

If I coulda had mil there I would have as she's had 4 and she's a very calm, practical person but unfortunately she was sick at the time.

This is your birth - you are the one actually having the baby - what you want goes

LittleCatDog · 08/07/2021 21:57

I just had my husband. My mum would have felt so awkward being there, I'm 99% sure she would have declined the invitation. She was very conscious of giving us space as a new family when we had a baby and my Nan was the same with her. In hindsight I really appreciate it and we all bonded amazingly. That said, it's totally up to you and if you feel happier and calmer with your mum there and she's happy to be there then go for it. I can see your husband's point of view though.

Findmeatthebeach · 08/07/2021 21:57

I was in the same position OP with my firstborn. My husband really wasnt keen on the idea of my mum being there. Well, after being induced and having 38 hours of seriously strong contractions 4 mins apart my husband was bloody relieved and forever greatful that my mum was there. They were supporting eachother as much as they were supporting me, it also meant my husband could get a 2hr nap in without feeling like he was leaving me on my own. I absolutely needed them both. 3 years later when I had my second it was just my husband and I and he was actually keen for my mum or sister to join

Viviennemary · 08/07/2021 21:57

I think it's up to you. But I can see why he wants just the two of you.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/07/2021 21:57

I can’t imagine wanting anyone but my DH there - but this is your birth, not mine. All you can do is talk to him, and work it out.

Purplealienpuke · 08/07/2021 21:58

I was there for the birth of both my dgc. My daughter wanted me there.
She was very young the first time, it was incredibly emotional. I am privileged to have been present.
The second time she needed surgery after. I was glad I was there, I can't imagine being home and getting that call.
I had my mum and dd father with me when I had my dd.
Its really up to you. You are the person giving birth. If your mum will give you the reassurance you need then have her there. 💐

Verbena87 · 08/07/2021 21:58

I wouldn’t have wanted my mum because on some level if she’s there I still think I’m a little girl and she can rescue me, and it makes it harder to step up and be brave.

I would gently consider why you called her first in a scare and just check whether you need to look at your connection with your partner.

Eleoura · 08/07/2021 21:58

Are you very young OP? Does your partner know you called your mum first about the scare and not him? If the tables were turned, and your partner was having something similar, would you be happy for his father to sitting in their with you?

You need to do what is right for you, but it was your partner and you that made the baby, not mum also!

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:58

He was there with me during the scare but I called my mum first and then my midwive.

OP posts:

Cloudninenine · 08/07/2021 21:58

It should be absolutely up to you. The birth is not about your husband having the experience he wants. His only role is to facilitate you having the exact support and comfort you want.

CornedBeef451 · 08/07/2021 21:58

I had my sister and DH. DH is not a good advocate for me at all so I needed someone else there to get me through.

It really depends on your relationship with him and how you think he would act. If you'd feel more comfortable and safer with your mom there then have her, you really need someone you can trust and who will be there for you.

Obviously it would be better if that was your partner but for a lot of people, and for a lot of reasons, that may not be the case.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:00

DH is not a good advocate for me at all so I needed someone else there to get me through.
God, how sad. Why would you have children with someone like this?

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 08/07/2021 22:00

With first DD, I had my mum there, but that was because I knew I couldn't rely on exH to support me. With second DD, i had a different DH who was more reliable and I felt happy to just have him there.

Ultimately it's you that's got to push a tiny human out of you, so you should choose.

DocDog · 08/07/2021 22:01

It's absolutely up to you, but I completely understand why he doesn't like the idea.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2021 22:01

I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first
Do you mean you called her first before your husband about a problem with the baby?
If so is this something that she would bring up frequently and would annoy him you called her before him?

FawnFrenchieMum · 08/07/2021 22:01

While I was pregnant I thought I might like my mum there but DH really wanted it to be just the two of us (he already had two children with his ex and expressed how much of a special time it was). In the end I was really glad it was just the two of us. He really came into his own and was amazing. Second time it didn’t cross my mind to even consider anyone else being there (including my mum).

Cillmantain · 08/07/2021 22:02

I can understand why your husband is upset. First of all you call your mother before your husband when you had that scare and now you want her in the delivery suite.
It's a very special time as a couple.
I couldn't imagine having my mother there.
You sound like you aren't totally engaged with your husband.
Is there a back story ?
Do you think he won't be able to help you enough?

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:04

Sorry never worded it correctly. He was with me at home. I would of contacted him first before anyone.

OP posts:

Horehound · 08/07/2021 22:05

Well obviously you'd call you're mum first if your husband already knew and was there! How bizarre

Thesearmsofmine · 08/07/2021 22:06

You are the one in labour, it is your call. I didn’t think I would want my mum at the hospital until I went into labour and then I did want her there. Turned out that it was the right thing to do as I had a crash section and she supported DH who was petrified while I was whisked away without him.

goddessofmischief · 08/07/2021 22:06

You're going to be the one giving birth, you decide the audience (as far as you can). I had my DM and XP at the birth. I know which one was more helpful. The same one who helped me after the other buggered off less than a year afterwards.

Original poster

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:06

@Cillmantain sorry I worded it incorrectly. He was with me during the scare, I would always call him first. No back story I am not 100% sure how he would cope during the birth, he panics quite alot and I wouldn't want that to happen and make me panic.

OP posts:

IWantT0BreakFree · 08/07/2021 22:06

Birth partners are there to support mother. If your mum will be helpful to you then you should have her there. He needs to suck it up.

100%

And actually the way he is seemingly unable to prioritise your needs over his own on this issue (when you're the one giving birth, not him) would appear to indicate that he's not the kind of supportive partner that you'd hope for at a birth anyway.

My DH would fucking hate for my mum to be at one of our DC's births. But if I had said I wanted her there for support he would have said "whatever you need to get you through it". Because he loves me, is a decent human being and supporting me would come before his own wants.

Ozanj · 08/07/2021 22:07

You need to pick the person who will support you the most and vouch for you and your needs / preferences. For me both my mum and dh were useless and I had to have an epidural so I could take charge of my own care. If I’m fortunate to get pregnant again I’ll bring my sister as backup

KatherineSiena · 08/07/2021 22:08

I had only my husband for both births and that was after a previous loss and complications in pregnancy. I would never have wanted my mother there (but really wanted to see her afterwards). Personally I felt it was a very special moment for us as parents.

But the key word is personal. What is right for one person isn’t right for another. You really need to talk and listen to each other.

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