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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:

Doona · 09/07/2021 18:24

I would have done anything to have my mum there (she died so I couldn't). I cannot understand why anyone would not want an experienced advocate with you! My husband was well meaning but as clueless, as I was. We couldn't argue back with the nurses, and we both basically panicked.

MsHedgehog · 09/07/2021 18:31

Those who keep saying “oh I wouldn’t dream of having anyone but my partner” or “that’s odd”, have you ever thought that maybe OP feels differently and her feelings are just as valid as yours?

There’s no right or wrong answer.

thebookworm1 · 09/07/2021 18:36

@Doona

This may be completely irrelevant to your situation but reading your post did make me think - it has been well documented recently that women of colour get worse treatment during labour from healthcare providers. So as much as I don’t feel comfortable at the idea of people asking mum along if the partner is there, I can see it’s a privilege for me not to have to worry so much about unfair treatment. And having an experienced advocate present might be a real bonus in some cases.

Runmybathforme · 09/07/2021 19:09

@Sally872

Birth partners are there to support mother. If your mum will be helpful to you then you should have her there. He needs to suck it up.

Really ?

Iwant2move · 09/07/2021 19:13

I had the only other person there at the conception. Birth is not a spectator sport. My husband was incredibly squeamish, but he was an absolute star at the birth of my children.

SemiFeralDalek · 09/07/2021 19:22

@Iwant2move

I had the only other person there at the conception. Birth is not a spectator sport. My husband was incredibly squeamish, but he was an absolute star at the birth of my children.

The OP wants her Mum there. That doesn't make it a spectator sport.

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 19:33

Why does it matter who was there at the conception? Properly supporting a woman giving birth requires a totally different skill-set to ejaculating into her during sex. Some men will have it, some won't.

sociallydistained · 09/07/2021 19:39

I want my best friend there. She lives abroad and has applied for time off to come. She might not make it but if she does she will be there and my partner. Not traditional but I know whose going to offer me better support

joesm12 · 09/07/2021 19:40

You're the one giving birth. I'm sure your mum would understand if you ask her to leave for a while after baby is born so you can have some time alone. The birth is about support for you.

I have just had my 2nd baby in April. I lost my mum in November. It breaks my heart that my daughter won't know her.
Have your mum there if that's what YOU want.
If dp is supportive then he will support your decision.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 19:44

@sociallydistained

If you were going to be traditional the father would be sitting outside. Childbirth was women’s work up to the 1960s.

SunbathingDragon · 09/07/2021 19:45

I gave birth with either my husband there or just the theatre staff when he couldn’t get there in time.

fuckingsickofcovid · 09/07/2021 19:48

This is a really difficult one if you ask me, yes it's your birth but it's his baby too and the moment should be special. BUT it's your body and you know what might help you more. I couldn't have had my mother there, she would have sat in the corner on her phone asking if I'm done yet because she would be bored 😅😅

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/07/2021 19:54

I honestly can't imagine anything worse than having my mother watch me give birth...

Kitkat151 · 09/07/2021 19:56

@MrsSchadenfreude

I agree with your husband/partner. Weird to have your Mum there.

I find you weird.....saying it’s weird🙄

brittleheadgirl · 09/07/2021 20:19

@GreyhoundG1rl

My dc are older teens now but I often feel sad on their birthdays because I have nobody to talk to about the day they were born Surely you can talk to your Mum anyway? She'll remember the day just fine, even if she was on the other side of the door

I had a very traumatic birth with one dc, he had to be resuscitated and I needed surgery straight after giving birth and was away from him for the first few hours.

I've come to terms with it now but for many years I found it hard not having someone to talk to who was actually there, it was a very shocking experience and the one person who I wanted to discuss it with had become a total stranger unfortunately.

MissMaple82 · 09/07/2021 20:23

Hes not the one pushing a human being out of his vagina. You concentrate on your needs and way of getting through it and leave him to spit his dummy out. He's being unreasonable not you.

BrandNewHeretic · 09/07/2021 20:26

@Aggy35

I see it as a moment between you and your partner. It is his child too and he should feel comfortable at the time as it is a special experience. I am currently expecting and it hasn't even occurred to me to have my mum there...I mean I don't have her on any other doctors appointments and frankly speaking I don't want her to be a part of such personal experience. It might sound odd to some but thats just me

He should feel comfortable?? Yes, his comfort is of the upmost importance while a baby is ripping through his wife's vagina 🙄

MissMaple82 · 09/07/2021 20:29

Ignore anyone telling you you should consider his feelings and they wouldn't of dreamt about having their mums their. Child birth is personal for every individual and there's no right or wrong way about doing it but ultimately it's your rights and wishes that override his and if he was a supportive partner he should go with what you want not what he wants. Its not about him.

wingingit987 · 09/07/2021 20:40

I had my partner and my mum. I'd like to have my mum again this time. Last time when my partner was helping me shower and get ready etc my mum helped with the baby. I found her a extra support. My partner wants her at the birth again for ectra support.

VienettaCake · 09/07/2021 20:47

Haven’t given birth yet, but definitely want my mum there when I do! I think you should get to choose who you want.

Codoftherings · 09/07/2021 22:35

Argh I’m so annoyed I wrote a bit reply and it just disappeared

Scirocco · 09/07/2021 23:03

Personally, I'd say that your needs and preferences take priority here as you're the one actually giving birth. If you want your partner and your mum there, and that's feasible, then your partner's job is to accept that. When he's the one giving birth, then he can decide on the guest list.

It might help smooth things over to reassure him that there will be plenty of time for you, him and your baby to be alone to celebrate privately. Maybe get a plan agreed with your mum about when she'll give you time to yourselves, and to support your husband if there's a particular thing he's really wanting to do (eg. cutting the cord).

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