Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/07/2021 22:08

I can see his point, you have basically told him he’s inadequate.
Ultimately it’s your choice but I find it a bit weird you want your mum there, it’s quite an intimate and special time for you and your partner and I can see why he would want it to be just you two

user1592512579 · 08/07/2021 22:08

I regret not having my Mum at the birth of my children. I wanted it to just be me and DH, but the reality is DH was of no use/support to me. I love him dearly but my Mum would have definitely been a better choice.

frazzledasarock · 08/07/2021 22:08

I’m going to be in the minority here. There was nothing romantic or magical about any of my births.

I had my mother with me during my first, she was far better support than now exh.

I also had MIL present when I had my first child with DH. She’s a lovely woman, kept calm and kept DH calm as it was his first baby and I was not well during the birth. Her being calm and level headed was good support for DH & he needed it.

I’d have whomsoever I wanted at the birth of my DC. If this small thing has diminished his ‘excitement’🙄 maybe he doesn’t need to be there at all. You giving birth isn’t about keeping him excited and thrilled it’s about the safe delivery of your child, and if you choose to have a Salvation Army marching band accompanying you then it’s your choice. This is one time when what you want is the only thing that matters.

Your H sounds very selfish. He gets to choose who he has to support him when he shits a watermelon. Right now it is all about you and your comfort.

PanamaPattie · 08/07/2021 22:08

I suspect he feels cast aside because you want your mum there. I agree with him but it's your birth so you do you.

MyFloorIsLava · 08/07/2021 22:09

The birth of my first child wasn't a special time as a couple. It was long and painful and exhausting and at some points scary and it sucked. I had my husband and my sister there. They were able to support each other when it got rough which made it easier for everyone. And yes it meant they could go for food, go to the toilet, get fresh air etc. Far better having both there.

Tbh if he is bleating on about this like its a spectator sport or something, instead of a potentially dangerous medical event where you and only you could be having a very rough time (sorry if that's scary! Hopefully it will be very smooth!) then I'd wonder how much he understands what is going to happen and how supportive he will be on the day.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:10

@Dollhousedoor

Yes you read correctly. So far it has seemed like a competition on a way between the two in his eyes. I just want her there just in case something happens e.g emergency c section and he needs support or he just panics and makes me panics.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 08/07/2021 22:11

I agree with your husband/partner. Weird to have your Mum there.

Elisandra · 08/07/2021 22:12

His reaction is rather worrying. You are the one giving birth, everything should be to make you feel supported and safe. He needs to take a back seat.

Original poster
Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 22:12

@stripedino Oh goodness sorry to hear you had to go through labour on your own for your second!

That is a good idea regarding expectations etc. Thanks

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 08/07/2021 22:13

I wanted my dh but he didn’t like the messy stuff with my first born and fortunately the hospital staff suggested he went for a coffee at the really difficult stuff. But he was amazing when it was my second baby.

Do what you want to do and what makes you feel safe

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 08/07/2021 22:13

Personally I think it should be between the two of you. Your mum could be nearby ready to be called upon if needed perhaps, but it's not her baby. I know you are the one giving birth, but I still think it should just be your partner.

MyFloorIsLava · 08/07/2021 22:16

Wow the tone of responses on this thread is the opposite of what I would have expected. Normally MN generally gets about 80% or more 'your labour not his, do what makes you comfortable' responses, and people are normally quick to point out that it's not often that fucking magical. Different crowd tonight.

BrandNewHeretic · 08/07/2021 22:17

Birthing partners are not there to witness the birth, but to support the person giving birth. It's not about seeing the baby, it's about supporting comforting, advocating for the mother. Whoever best fills that role for you should be there.

Lesartisansetlessansculottes · 08/07/2021 22:18

You've said a couple of times now that she would be there in case HE needs support, that she will calm "us" so both of you down.
But he obviously doesn't want her there. It's a shame, but there it is. You get to choose, but you should stop trying to convince him he's going to get something out of it. He doesn't want her there, you don't have to change his mind, because yours is the deciding vote.

Pinkchocolate · 08/07/2021 22:18

If your mum will make you feel safer/more comfortable/whatever then you have every right to have her there. My mum was with DH and I for DC1 and I’m really glad she was. My DH is great but I wanted my mum and I’m glad she was such a big part of the whole experience. Do what makes you happy, it’s not about him.

Metallicalover · 08/07/2021 22:18

Can it not just be you and your husband and your mother on standby?
Your husband maybe hurt that you feel he isn't good enough support for you.
I'm very close to my Mam, but I just wanted my husband there, he was fab and very calm. If my mam was there it would have been a total different dynamic. I don't think I would have liked that as much.

BakewellGin1 · 08/07/2021 22:21

My DM was with me in labour both times but only due to me needing someone with me until DH arrived (had to travel home from working away both times)

Once he arrived she went and sat in the rest room, had a cup of tea etc as she thought it should be 'our' time.

To be honest I would find having two people hanging around over the top and I wouldn't of relaxed at any point. Plus at some points I had five staff in the delivery room including midwives, consultant, surgeon and paediatrician so it was crowded enough.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 22:22

You seem determined to convince your dh that he won't "cope" and will need support, op...
Does he have form for rushing for the smelling salts when something out of the ordinary presents itself? He's probably feeling quite insulted at you insisting that your Mum is needed to calm him down.

meow1989 · 08/07/2021 22:23

Ultimately, you are the one birthing and so you get the final say, labour isn't just about the baby coming, primarily it is about the mother giving birth.

Saying that, my mum wasn't even my second choice for birth partner even though we are super close - my straight talking, sarcastic, no bullshit younger sister (who doesn't have dc) was, because I didn't want someone to panic and fuss. As it was I had dh which was perfect. There's a lot of waiting round pre the pushing and if for any reason you need an c section (I did), only 1 person can come with you which will be a difficult and awkward decision to make at a time when you just need to focus on you.

MsHedgehog · 08/07/2021 22:24

I find it weird when people say it’s weird to have your mum there. You clearly have a close bond with your mum and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

You’re going through the birth, so you need to be comfortable. If you want your mum, then you’re not unreasonable in having her there.

Deathsquito · 08/07/2021 22:24

There’s a reason men used to get ushered off while the older women took over...Wink

I’m so glad I had my DM at both of my dcs births. She was calm, reassuring and I felt much safer with her there. It almost felt like a mystical ‘circle of life’ lion-king moment. Two generations at the arrival of the third.

It would have seemed bizarre to me that DH would object, but maybe that is our different culture. He was grateful to follow her lead and thanked her afterwards both times for helping him to help me.

YOU are the woman who is going to be going through a terrifying and amazing life changing event. Who you choose to best support you is not about anyone else’s needs or a competition.

It’s hardly an ‘intimate’ affair, I think we had a whole ward full of midwives in at one point!

And, respectfully, I’d be telling your DH to pack it in. He is already treating access to the baby like some sort of tit for tat, race to be the first to grab it, competition between the grandmothers.

Any decent man would understand why you would want your mother there.

Mum2jenny · 08/07/2021 22:26

My dm would have been worse than useless, but my dh was ok for the first baby, but brilliant for the second one.
It does however depend on exact circumstances so I feel it’s a bit unfair to do blanket scenarios

ElderMillennial · 08/07/2021 22:26

I'm not sure. You will be the one giving birth so I kind of think it should be up to you but then it is his experience too and I'm not sure why you need two people.

saleorbouy · 08/07/2021 22:26

Whoever was there at the conception should be at the birth... Smile I understand his feelings as it is a very special time for you both, depending on his relationship with your mother I can understand how he might think she need not be there.
He should be given the chance to show his support and love for you as you go though this amazing moment together.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 08/07/2021 22:26

You are the one giving birth so its up to you! Tell him to grow the fuck up and get over himself! I had my mother, my grandmother and my husband, I didn't ask my husband i told him!