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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 09/07/2021 14:41

@Figgygal

It wouldn’t have ever crossed my mind to have other than just my husband ( and drs obviously) at the birth of our child I’m with your OH sorry
So you had what you, the woman giving birth, wanted. Why are you ‘with’ the man who doesn’t support what the mother feels she will need?
Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 09/07/2021 14:42

@SlothinSpirit

Why does his point of view matter? Why have we got into the mindset of thinking that men's feelings trump women's safety in labour? If he feels 'pushed out", he needs to get over himself... he's not the one pushing it out Hmm!

The correct thing for him to say is "Whatever works best for you is fine with me".

Exactly this.
Danikm151 · 09/07/2021 14:59

It's all about you and what you will be most comfortable with. It was no question that my mom would be with me during labour. Baby's dad was there too. Mom was there for me during the tough times then took a seat when it was time to push (she got an eyeful too haha)
Midwife told me it's up to me who will be in the room and to be selfish as I was going to be at my most vulnerable.
It's a medical procedure not a spectator sport.

Wearywithteens · 09/07/2021 15:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 15:16

I'm amazed how many people here are saying that, even when a woman is vulnerable and in pain, she still has to consider a man's feelings. That him feeling "pushed out" or "weirded out" or not having his special moment is more important than the woman giving birth feeling supported. You couldn't make it up.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 15:18

@SlothinSpirit

I'm amazed how many people here are saying that, even when a woman is vulnerable and in pain, she still has to consider a man's feelings. That him feeling "pushed out" or "weirded out" or not having his special moment is more important than the woman giving birth feeling supported. You couldn't make it up.
@SlothinSpirit

it's quite unbelievable.

WheresMySnackPack · 09/07/2021 15:21

I had my mum and if my DP even thought about saying what yours said I'd tell him to do one.

When they give birth, let me know.

My DP was there when my waters were broken and my mum came shortly afterwards and like your mum had also birthed 5 DC of her own.

She was my reassurance and my support. Yes DP supported me but having someone in there close to me who's done it before was a great comfort to me.

She also supported DP and reassured him. We were both glad I had my mum in. I'd have her in again!

Iris2020 · 09/07/2021 15:21

I feel there's such a massive difference between decisions regarding the mother's pain relief or birthing technique of choice (which clearly only relate to the mother) and the decision to involve a parent in an event which is so intimately linked to the nuclear family unit.

I don't really get the "it's only about you" philosophy. Some aspects of the birth are, others not so much IMO. If I was the father I'd feel quite violated at the prospect of wanting to involve a parent in what feels to me like it's one of the most intimate and personal moments of a couple's life. I understand why he's not looking forward to the birth anymore, I wouldn't either.
But then as a woman, I'd also feel violated if a parent felt they could intrude on such a private moment. I guess there's probably a very wide gap between family cultures with some who feel this sharing of everything is acceptable or even normal, and those for whom it feels totally invasive and inappropriate. If both partners come from opposite perspectives on this, I can see how it's not going to be reconciled easily.

I don't think the husband is being unreasonable at all though, in his feelings... I think being upset because your partner wants someone else at the birth is completely legitimate and reasonable.

SlothinSpirit · 09/07/2021 15:47

@Iris2020. For most women, giving birth is not a "moment". It is a traumatic and dangerous process that goes on for hours, maybe days, during which it is vital that the mother feels properly supported.

Men aren't owed a "magical" or "intimate" experience. My DH certainly wouldn't describe our DC's birth that way, what with several doctors and midwives panicking around me and buzzing for someone more senior as they tried to decide the best way to get the baby out.

hazandduck · 09/07/2021 15:54

*ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

SlothinSpirit
I'm amazed how many people here are saying that, even when a woman is vulnerable and in pain, she still has to consider a man's feelings. That him feeling "pushed out" or "weirded out" or not having his special moment is more important than the woman giving birth feeling supported. You couldn't make it up.
@SlothinSpirit

it's quite unbelievable.*

Totally agree with you both!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 15:59

@Iris2020

read about internalised misogyny, I think it would do you good.

you can absolutely not put a man's feelings & wishes above a woman's when it comes to the most important thing that only women can do.
it's just wrong.

she's the one giving birth, she needs support and it should 100% be her choice who is with her.
it should be non-negotiable because nobody else"s opinion matters.
everyone else needs to put up or shut up.

Iris2020 · 09/07/2021 16:09

[quote SlothinSpirit]@Iris2020. For most women, giving birth is not a "moment". It is a traumatic and dangerous process that goes on for hours, maybe days, during which it is vital that the mother feels properly supported.

Men aren't owed a "magical" or "intimate" experience. My DH certainly wouldn't describe our DC's birth that way, what with several doctors and midwives panicking around me and buzzing for someone more senior as they tried to decide the best way to get the baby out.[/quote]
Magical maybe not - men are not indeed owed a special moment, and often it is hard and painful, and long and complicated.

However, I'd stand my point by saying that the inclusion of a parent in the birth experience can feel like a violation to the father and feel inappropriate, depending on your values and family culture.
It is one where people are going to feel quite differently and legitimately so, and certainly I can't conceive of involving my parents, which whom I get along well, in any aspect of the birth experience. I would see it as disrespectful not just to my husband but simply towards ourselves, as a couple - something that would fragilize rather than strengthen our family. But then I would never accept to live in the same household as my husband's parents, or my parents for that matter, and I know that some people feel that is ok and even desirable.

As for taking one's partners feelings into consideration in the most difficult and vulnerable of times .... it's not easy maybe, but I believe that ability is foundational to the building of a successful relationship. I appreciate there can be a spectrum of situations - controlling partner, unsupportive partner, lazy partner etc... which leave the mother feeling in need of more support.

The OP described a situation, though, where she imagined the mother taking pictures etc - and that to me feels like an incredibly intrusive role to attribute to a parent in a birthing scenario. It's obviously a divisive subject.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 16:13

@Iris2020

so what if it feels like a violation to involve another person? parent, friend, neighbour, whoever?

a human tunneling through your vagina that feels like it's been set of fire is an actual violation.
the men can go & lick their wounded egos while the women tend to their torn apart bajingos.

Rosesareyellow · 09/07/2021 16:13

I don't think the husband is being unreasonable at all though, in his feelings... I think being upset because your partner wants someone else at the birth is completely legitimate and reasonable.

I think this too. I don’t think either of you are unreasonable in how you feel. You should absolutely give birth in a way that is most comfortable for you. But I can understand your partner feeling miffed that he alone is not good enough to help you feel that way. 100% do what you feel you need to do - but maybe think about what that really says about how you feel about your DH.

chocolateoranges33 · 09/07/2021 16:25

I think as you're giving birth you should be able to choose who you want but I personally wouldn't choose to have my mum there. I can completely understand your DHs thoughts and feelings as I think this should be a special time for just the 2 of you. It seems a bit like you are pushing him away from the birth of his child which is hurtful.

Iris2020 · 09/07/2021 16:36

[quote ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]@Iris2020

so what if it feels like a violation to involve another person? parent, friend, neighbour, whoever?

a human tunneling through your vagina that feels like it's been set of fire is an actual violation.
the men can go & lick their wounded egos while the women tend to their torn apart bajingos.[/quote]
Does that involve expecting the partner to pose for the MIL whilst cutting the cord though?
Because that was the initial scenario described. I agree with the sentiment that birth isn't a spectator sport, but feel in that case, it should not involve the expectation of a family member being present to photograph, much less asking the partner to be a subject of their photographs.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 16:41

@Rosesareyellow

I don't think the husband is being unreasonable at all though, in his feelings... I think being upset because your partner wants someone else at the birth is completely legitimate and reasonable.

I think this too. I don’t think either of you are unreasonable in how you feel. You should absolutely give birth in a way that is most comfortable for you. But I can understand your partner feeling miffed that he alone is not good enough to help you feel that way. 100% do what you feel you need to do - but maybe think about what that really says about how you feel about your DH.

@Rosesareyellow

what's with the guilt tripping?
do you even hear yourself? such passive aggressive rubbish.

wanting someone else present has nothing to do with how people feel about their DH/partner.
what's wrong with having more troops, who can tag each other and also support each other as well as the labouring mother?

If I could've, I would've had my uncle as my 2nd birthing partner.
he was the most calm, supportive, excellent-in-a-crisis person I have ever known.
he would've been perfect to reassure and entertain and look after both me & DH.

I drove a friend to hospital when she went into labour, with her husband & 2 yo.
long story short I ended up witnessing the baby being born while her toddler was sitting on my lap because my friend decided on the spur of the moment that she wanted me there for various reasons - none of the reasons were anything to do with how she felt towards her husband.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 16:47

@Iris2020

I'm only talking about a woman's right to choose who they want to support them during labour and that it is the only thing that matters.

you are not replying to that

Rosesareyellow · 09/07/2021 16:52

*I have online antenatal classes booked one is next week he said he will do it with me. I have bought him two books but he never has been a reader and said he may flick through closer to the time but I highly doubt it Blush I did mention audios but he said they are a waste of money Hmm

We only did the one birthing antenatal class that the nhs provides which was very helpful for us both. DH didn’t read anything or prepare in any other way and he was amazing during the whole thing. You need to prepare your way and let him prepare himself his way - even if that means no preparation at all. I don’t think that’s him being disinterested- I gave birth with very much a ‘take it as it comes’ approach. I didn’t read up on too much - I also ‘flicked through’ information. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t mentally preparing myself. Everyone, men and women, get their heads around birth in different ways. I think raising an eyebrow because he won’t spend his time listening to an audio book on pregnancy and birth is unfair - it’s not something I would have wanted to do, and I’m the one who would be going through it (I preferred making the most of the spare time I had left before DS arrived reading and listening to what I really want). DH definitely wouldn’t have. I don’t think many dads to be do and they manage just fine.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 16:55

but for the record having romantic ideas about capturing certain moments is unrealistic.

the father cutting the cord will only happen if everything is going well and midwives are usually able & willing to photo that.
it's not guaranteed though.

I can understand him not wanting to cut the cord or to be photographed doing so.
I also understand that an expectation of him "performing" would put him off. he can say no to both.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2021 17:03

I remember when I was on the postnatal ward the boyfriend of the young mother in the bed opposite me had taken a photo of their baby crowning and was very kindly sharing it with everyone. I declined to look! Some photos you do not want!

ComDummings · 09/07/2021 17:36

@SlothinSpirit

I'm amazed how many people here are saying that, even when a woman is vulnerable and in pain, she still has to consider a man's feelings. That him feeling "pushed out" or "weirded out" or not having his special moment is more important than the woman giving birth feeling supported. You couldn't make it up.
It’s bizarre
Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 17:41

@SlothinSpirit

Why does his point of view matter? Why have we got into the mindset of thinking that men's feelings trump women's safety in labour? If he feels 'pushed out", he needs to get over himself... he's not the one pushing it out Hmm!

The correct thing for him to say is "Whatever works best for you is fine with me".

Totally.
SmokedPaprikaHotChilliPowder · 09/07/2021 18:16

I had my mum with my with my first. Just felt like I needed her there. It was a long labour, and I think it did help take the pressure off DP, but in hindsight, I kind of regret it. So she wasn't asked with our second. At the end of the day, it is your choice.

Aggy35 · 09/07/2021 18:22

I see it as a moment between you and your partner. It is his child too and he should feel comfortable at the time as it is a special experience. I am currently expecting and it hasn't even occurred to me to have my mum there...I mean I don't have her on any other doctors appointments and frankly speaking I don't want her to be a part of such personal experience. It might sound odd to some but thats just me