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Original poster

Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

228 replies

topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:53

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:55

I feel like this is a crime - am I completely wrong here?! I just feel furious on her behalf!

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 20/05/2021 00:57

Physically she’ll be fine. Many women have tiny age gaps.
Emotionally that’s different.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2021 00:59

It is a crime. The consent to sex wasn't given in full knowledge, had she known that it was unprotected sex she would not have consented.

I'm so sorry for your cousin to have been through that, but at least she was able to confide in you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 01:00

Divorce. I would never and could never get over a betrayal like that. If what he did isn't a crime, it should be.

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2021 01:01

In terms of what to do, you could gently discuss that it's a crime and support her whilst she processes that. Then also whilst she considers the state of the relationship itself. It's a big shock, and she has a small child to deal with too.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/05/2021 01:25

A crime? Are you sure?!

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/05/2021 01:29

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-39705734

sleepingdragon · 20/05/2021 01:30

@GreyhoundG1rl

A crime? Are you sure?!
Yes its a crime- here is an article about someone jailed for rape last year for poking holes in a condom.

www.metro.co.uk/2020/10/05/man-who-poked-holes-in-condoms-without-telling-partner-jailed-for-rape-13373324/amp/

Eekay · 20/05/2021 01:39

It's a criminal act, and a reprehensible thing to do to her. I hope she reports him to the police and leaves him frankly. She can never trust him now in any way.
Termination is of course an option, but only she can raise that topic.
I think all you can do is make sure she knows she can be completely honest and open with you and suggest that she has options she can think through.

NinaMimi · 20/05/2021 01:41

I’m not sure what to advise but I guess you just have to be there for her.

It’s such control and manipulation and it shows such a lack of respect that I’d find it hard to forgive.

me4real · 20/05/2021 01:46

I feel like this is a crime - am I completely wrong here?

@topflower123 No. It's legally rape, because she only consented on the condition protection was used. She didn't consent to sex with deliberate holes in the condom. metro.co.uk/2020/10/05/man-who-poked-holes-in-condoms-without-telling-partner-jailed-for-rape-13373324/

She could speak to the police if she wanted- try to get him to say that again but secretly record him. I'm not a peron who has great faith in the police, but they might keep a log of it at least.

She could consider how she feels about the pregnancy.

I'd definitely suggest leaving this dodgy life-sabotaging rapist.

backtowasteanotherhour · 20/05/2021 01:47

After the dust settles, she may not want to leave him, but I think she should act as though she's considering it, insist that he has some consequences, goes through some sort of therapy, or something. He needs to feel some fear of losing her or possibly facing criminal charges. Maybe then he'll begin to grasp the severity of what he's done.

I'd never trust him to handle the birth control again, either. If she wants to stop after two children, he needs to have the snip. Otherwise, I'd use some other contraceptive. But honestly, how awful to feel that you can no longer trust your own husband to not trick you into pregnancy!

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/05/2021 01:48

It is a crime but can anyone here honestly say that the first they would do is call the police? He is the father of her new baby, I am not sure I could do it.

What I would be seriously considering though is termination followed by divorce.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2021 01:48

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape. Because it is done with the full knowledge that the other person wouldn't consent if they knew. So it's non-consensual sex. And rape is the word for that.

I would divorce DH over this without question. I couldn't deal with someone living in my house with utter contempt for my health and bodily autonomy.

LaBellina · 20/05/2021 01:50

If this isn’t a crime, it should be.
Forcing someone to get pregnant without their consent is horrible, a complete violation of body autonomy and it indicates a complete lack of morals and respect.
Divorce and hopefully jail.

LaBellina · 20/05/2021 01:51

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape. Because it is done with the full knowledge that the other person wouldn't consent if they knew. So it's non-consensual sex. And rape is the word for that.

I would divorce DH over this without question. I couldn't deal with someone living in my house with utter contempt for my health and bodily autonomy.

I agree it’s rape.
Greygreenblue · 20/05/2021 01:55

I would suggest she have a good think about whether she really wants to stay/have another baby with this man.

MyMajesty · 20/05/2021 01:56

I think all you can do is make sure she knows she can be completely honest and open with you and suggest that she has options she can think through.

It's appalling that he had no consideration for her feelings or her health at all.
Whatever she decides to do about the pregnancy, how could she ever trust this man about anything again?

It's a terrible situation for your cousin, and she'll need your support whatever happens.

Gothichouse40 · 20/05/2021 01:57

That is absolutely disgusting and for my part his bags would be packed for him and he'd be out the fuc door. I don't know if what has taken place is a crime, but the trust in that relationship is gone for good. Every time they have sex, that poor lass will be wondering if the same will happen again. What an absolute pig of a so- called man. When they divorce I pity the next woman he ends up with. If they ever invent male contraception, this is a prime example of why women would never trust a man to take it. Support your cousin as much as you can. As for her husband, I couldn't stand being in the same room. He's a sly, deceitful get. I'd also be wondering is this how your cousin ended up pregnant before.

Lockdownbear · 20/05/2021 01:58

There are options available her. I think you should make her aware she has a choice and that you would support her.

I think it would be difficult to prove he sabotaged the condoms but it's her decision if she goes to the police or not.

I don't know I could trust him again. I'd be questioning the future of the relationship. Is he controlling over other stuff too?

Maggiesfarm · 20/05/2021 02:02

I am appalled by what this man has done. Did he not think about his wife's health and the fact that two or three years between children is not a big age gap? He sounds like a moron.

I doubt your cousin will leave her husband, op, but many would. What he did was a gross betrayal of trust, outrageous.

Just be there for her and if the subject comes up, try to impress upon your cousin how serious this is. If it doesn't penetrate and all appears to be well, leave it.

Original poster
topflower123 · 20/05/2021 02:10

Thanks for all the helpful replies.

In terms of asking whether it's a crime, that wasn;t necessarily the first thing I was going to suggest to her, but just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting and it is as serious as I think.

She was so tearful this evening as its a total shock to her - she has already told me that she would not terminate the pregnancy but wants to meet over the weekend in person while MIL has my niece.

Just want to make sure I can support her as best as possible really

OP posts:
whatausername · 20/05/2021 02:10

Divorce and police for him! Counselling for her and a discussion around her pregnancy choices.

Sex needs consent. She could not give consent as she was not in full possession of the facts (in fact, she was actively deceived). A man who sexually assaults his wife cannot be trusted around children. There needs to be some protection for the child/children put in place.

How dare he do this to her and decide what will be done with HER body (never mind her health, mind, emotions, finances and life!)

whatausername · 20/05/2021 02:11

Is he generally controlling, manipulative or gaslighting? Would she be able to recognise signs of abuse and be able to leave?

Gothichouse40 · 20/05/2021 02:18

Sorry OP if I came across as awful, but honestly I am so shocked by this. Im just so glad your cousin has you. Just be a listening ear, perhaps later on you could suggest some sort of counselling. It will take her a wee bit time and she has her children to think about.

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