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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

228 replies

topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:53

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
topflower123 · 20/05/2021 02:19

@whatausername

Is he generally controlling, manipulative or gaslighting? Would she be able to recognise signs of abuse and be able to leave?
Not as far as I have seen which makes this more shocking.

I actually lived with them for about a month last year (before they had my niece) and I didn't see him to be abusive at all. If anything, I've always seen him to be supportive of her - she earns more and is in charge of finances etc so I always saw her as being more in 'control' if that make sense.

However, a month is a short period of time and there could be more going on than I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
topflower123 · 20/05/2021 02:22

@Gothichouse40

Sorry OP if I came across as awful, but honestly I am so shocked by this. Im just so glad your cousin has you. Just be a listening ear, perhaps later on you could suggest some sort of counselling. It will take her a wee bit time and she has her children to think about.
Don't apologise, not awful at all!

I am just relieved to know that I am not unreasonable to be shocked - you are right about being a listening ear

OP posts:
me4real · 20/05/2021 02:55

It is legally rape, it's not a matter of whether we think it should be or not, it is, at least in the UK. There've been rape convictions for exactly this sort of thing.

After the dust settles, she may not want to leave him

Really???? I mean, I suppose she might not, but this is about the worst thing a man can do. And you can't tell me this is the only abusive thing he's ever done, either. Seems unlikely, given he's decided to control her body and life in the most invasive possible way.

Pyewackect · 20/05/2021 03:07

@AssassinatedBeauty

It is a crime. The consent to sex wasn't given in full knowledge, had she known that it was unprotected sex she would not have consented.

I'm so sorry for your cousin to have been through that, but at least she was able to confide in you.

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.
PyongyangKipperbang · 20/05/2021 03:12

If anything, I've always seen him to be supportive of her - she earns more and is in charge of finances etc so I always saw her as being more in 'control' if that make sense.

That says a lot

So she earns more, is in charge of the money and then he smells an opportunity to take back control.

Abuse will most often start during pregnancy or the first year after birth.

He is an abuser, but yes, she may well choose to stay with him. I did with mine for 12 years (different type but still abuse) because she will want to believe that the man she loves "just" made a mistake.

Just be there for her and dont allow him to shut you out of her life.

me4real · 20/05/2021 03:18

@Pyewackect to legally be a crime (so far) there has to be things like deliberately removing a condom, piercing a condom, not pulling out when the woman had only consented to sex in those circumstances (all of these have resulted in rape convictions.) So it has to be an in-the-moment tangible act the person does, rather than 'just' a lie.

A bloke got his conviction for rape for lying about having had a vasectomy overturned. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/jul/23/judges-rule-lying-about-fertility-to-sexual-partner-is-not

This is partly because 'There was real concern that the upholding of the convictions recorded at Nottingham crown court [last July] would have had the potential to criminalise large sections of an otherwise law-abiding population, both male and female.'

Shows what a bizarro-world we live in.

PinkSatinMoon · 20/05/2021 03:18

what an awful thing to do, such a betrayal. Shock

Alfxn · 20/05/2021 03:44

Oh my god. This is truly shocking. She can never trust him again. What a heinous, terrible thing to do to someone - force them into a pregnancy!!

And to do this to a woman who is immediately post natal as well!

Honestly I think this is one of the worst things I've ever read on here. I am just gobsmacked. Whether she leaves him right now or not, I hope she sees him for what he is soon.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2021 04:50

My understanding is that doctors recommendation at least a year between pregnancies for women’s bodies to recover.
Age gaps should be a joint decision (as far as possible)
Contraception use should be a joint decision and if there is an disagreement the person who doesn’t want a baby right now gets priority.

I am appalled by what he has done. What a complete disregard for her feelings and her health.

What do you know about how they split childcare? If he is not doing at least 50 percent Id be even more appalled. I find it very telling that she wants to meet on the weekend but the person looking after baby is a grandparent and not the dad.
What impact will this have on her career? Finances? Will they need to pay 2 lots of childcare?

I honestly don’t think I could move on from this. How could you ever trust someone who was so cavalier with your life for their own selfish reasons.

Would she consider asking him to move out for a while so she has the chance to process her feelings.

Nancydrawn · 20/05/2021 05:01

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP.

What a dangerous thing to have done. Over and above the emotional trauma of being tricked by the person you're supposed to trust most in the world, pregnancy and childbirth are by no means without risk to the mother. He's lied to her and endangered her for his own benefit.

I'm not sure I could come back from that amount of disrespect, deceit, cruelty, and harm.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2021 05:17

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

It's almost like pregnancy and childbirth are different for men and women. And the law might acknowledge that. Amazing as it sounds.

AFP10 · 20/05/2021 05:18

Op you really must tell her that it is possibly a crime, show her the above article and state that as a minimum this is abuse. To not do so is allowing rape culture (& abuse) to continue; you must support your cousin to be empowered and have a factual basis for any decisions re divorce etc

While of course this is an awful situation for your cousin, this may also be difficult for you emotionally given how close you are so be kind to yourself and seek support if need be.

I'd also suggest signposting her to Women's Aid or Refuge.

Billybagpuss · 20/05/2021 05:52

I don’t think I could come back from that level of betrayal.

I think beyond her decision over the pregnancy, I think it will take a while for her to process the impact on the relationship. As phase said it will have a lot to do with how he is generally.

CassandraTrotter · 20/05/2021 05:57

That’s appalling and it is a crime.

She should go to some counselling and really consider her options at this early stage. Divorce being one of them. Because there is no way a man who would do this, is a good and decent person.

Imissmoominmama · 20/05/2021 06:03

Bloody hell- not sure how she’ll come back from that. He’s forced her into pregnancy against her will. Stupid, stupid man.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 20/05/2021 06:06

Either he is a controlling abuser
or
amazingly stupid, ill-educated about pregnancy (which he no doubt has heard a lot about during the last pregnancy and managed to ignore) and lacking in impulse control.

Either way I would no longer trust him with the life of anybody - not my children's and not my own.

JackANackAnoreeee · 20/05/2021 06:07

That is an outrageous thing for him to do. It would be bad enough if she had done it but what he did also affects your cousin's body and puts it at risk. It is not advised to have another child within 6 months and even within a year is more risky. Lots of women do and they're fine but it's a risk that should be within your cousin's control. Aside from the gap literally tricky someone into becoming pregnant is outrageous. I would never trust him again.

LunaLula83 · 20/05/2021 06:09

It's a myth. If the condom has a hole in it, the condom splits when it's put on.

Crispychillibeef · 20/05/2021 06:18

@LunaLula83

It's a myth. If the condom has a hole in it, the condom splits when it's put on.
Bullshit.
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/05/2021 06:32

Well, regardless of what we think, it is objectively rape under UK law if your cousin consented to sex on the understanding that a condom was used.

Only your cousin knows how she feels about being married to a man who is a rapist though. I don't think I could get past that level of betrayal, and the prioritising of his needs and desires over my wishes and well-being. I would never trust him again, and certainly wouldn't be able to face sex with him again - knowing that he thinks so little of me? No.

crankysaurus · 20/05/2021 06:37

That's quite shocking that he has so little regard for her physical and emotional well-being, in addition to the complete lack of consent in something that will overwhelmingly affect her rather than him. Presumably he went to those measures because he didn't think she'd agree otherwise?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/05/2021 06:39

@Aquamarine1029

Divorce. I would never and could never get over a betrayal like that. If what he did isn't a crime, it should be.
This - in Spades!

What a horrible betrayal of trust - and effectively a rape as she would have refused to have sex if she felt she was likely to become pregnant.

wildseas · 20/05/2021 06:50

One immediate decision which you could support her to take would be to refuse to have sex with him again.
Whatever she chooses about the pregnancy and about the marriage, it sounds like the trust around sex will be completely gone; and that would be a clear strong way of underlining that.

daretodenim · 20/05/2021 06:52

OP I know someone who this happened to but the other way around. She told him she was on birth control when she wasn't (for 6 months!).

It is absolutely about control. It's not just about control over someone's life, which is horrific, it's also about the fact that while they were having sex, he partner was also getting off on the fact they knew the other person didn't know about the contraception. If they'd not found it a turn on on some level, it would have made them stop the sex. My friend, who had sadly been sexually abused as a kid, said he felt he'd been raped again.

And of course, the control over the duped partner's life lasts forever once that child arrives. And in your cousin's case, from the first pregnancy symptom.

Ideally she'd chuck him out. But pregnant with a 4month old I'm not sure most women could do that, unless she has a LOT of support/live in nannies (plural).

I feel so angry on her behalf.

Itsalwayssunnyin · 20/05/2021 06:53

This is rape.