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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

228 replies

topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:53

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

OP posts:
Iggii · 20/05/2021 06:55

Or is this law only applicable to men.
The law of rape is applicable only to men, yes.

NewMatress · 20/05/2021 07:00

I think I far more tolerant of poor behaviour by men than most on this site, always prepared to recognise it takes two, there's more than once side of a story etc, but I don't how how you recover from this. Your poor cousin.

Why did he admit it though? I mean it's so heinous, what made him come clean?

KidneyBeans · 20/05/2021 07:01

@topflower123

I think it's worth telling that what her husband has done is legally rape.

He needs to be aware of the seriousness of his actions and the level of deception and betrayal he has created

I wonder if he's decided he much prefers keeping his successful career-motivated wife at home?

Regardless he's shown utter contempt for her thoughts and her body and is showing the ultimate in controlling behaviour by impregnating her regardless of her wishes. For me that would be the end of the relationship.

He's controlling abusive and a rapist

BreatheAndFocus · 20/05/2021 07:06

Disgusting! What a cruel, selfish pig of a man! Yes, it’s a crime and yes, it’s abuse. I doubt the nice man who saw during your month there is the full story. Abusers often seem lovely on the outside. What I see is a resentful, controlling, arrogant and self-centred man. He sabotaged her, and I doubt not wanting a big age gap is the full reason at all.

I’d show her this thread. I’d also encourage her to seriously consider termination here - and I say that as someone who’s very ambiguous about termination. I think, if she’s ok with it, it would be hugely safer for her physical and mental health. I’d also support her in chucking the pig out, even if it’s only temporary. She needs space away from this abuser.

Yes, I’d contact the police. Even if no action is taken, the record will be there and that might be important in future.

BreatheAndFocus · 20/05/2021 07:07

should be “nice man who YOU saw

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 07:11

I very much doubt she’s going to report him to the police and it’s her word against his. The op needs pragmatic advice, not an argument on the legalities.

However op, you need to talk to her gently about what she wishes to do. Does she really want another child, is she really ok with proceeding with the pregnancy? Does she want to stay with him? Giving her the opportunity to talk and be able to get this clear in her mind is the way forward.

FlamingHot · 20/05/2021 07:12

It is definitely rape. I feel so incredibly sorry for her. What a desperate position to be in. Unplanned pregnancy, a tiny baby and a husband who has betrayed her on a fundamental level. I’m glad she’s got you OP.

Berthatydfil · 20/05/2021 07:14

Abuse often happens / starts when a woman is pregnant- so he’s ticked the box for that red flag.
You say she earns more so I wonder if he has liked the change in balance of control /power in the relationship her being pregnant /having a new baby has brought.
What he has done is unbelievable and you need to let her know what he did was a abusive and a criminal act.

It may taker her some time to come to terms with what he has done, it’s her choice whether to continue with the pregnancy but she should take a hard look at the relationship and decide if she can get over this.
She should at least consider ending the relationship but if she stays she should be aware of further controlling /abusive behaviour and ensure she has access to her own money etc.
Also she needs to sort contraception that she is in control of for after the birth.

Lockdownbear · 20/05/2021 07:19

Op I really feel for this lady. Can she afford double childcare? Do she have help to go it alone?

Keeping women pregnant is often a form of control and makes it very hard for the woman to leave.

If she does decide to stay with him, how is she going to ensure he doesn't do it again?
His reasons for doing this aren't as benign as he's making out.

I think she should speak with a Councillor.

mumwon · 20/05/2021 07:22

I wonder if she wants to go through with this pregnancy?
Op she may be considering abortion - or is too shocked to think of this alternative. When she talks to you - you may find the conversation may lead this way
If it does -she should do it & not tell him until afterwards...

rainbowstardrops · 20/05/2021 07:23

Wow, what a betrayal!!! I don't think I'd be able to ever trust him again if I'm honest.

CaMePlaitPas · 20/05/2021 07:30

Physically she will be fine, I fell pregnant again at 2 months post partum but I would suspect that psychologically she will be feeling very betrayed and confused.

LouLou198 · 20/05/2021 07:32

What a terrible thing for your cousin to deal with, as if having a 4 month baby isn't hard enough! I would never be able to trust him again.

SoupDragon · 20/05/2021 07:42

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

It's almost like pregnancy and childbirth are different for men and women. And the law might acknowledge that. Amazing as it sounds.

It's not to do with that. I think I f a man removed the condom before having sex with a man it would also be rape as that is not what was consented to.

The man is an utter wanker without a doubt. I don't think I could stay with someone who had done that. Physically I do think she will be fine (assuming it was a straightforward pregnancy and birth last time) but the emotional fallout is going to be huge.

I do find it interesting that no one has said the woman should have taken charge of her own fertility and been on contraception though. It is what is spouted on threads where it is the woman who has been deceitful. Obviously the consequences are different but I think the deceit is the same

EmmaJR1 · 20/05/2021 07:45

If it helps, I have children with that age gap and pregnancy and delivery were fine for me.
Having 2 children that close in age was great initially, really really hard from 6 months - 18 months and now they are 3 & 4 is getting great again.

With regards to her husband, I don't think I would ever trust him again. I certainly wouldn't be able to get aroused or enjoy sex. His behaviour was reprehensible and I don't think I could forgive him even if I decided not to take it any further with police or therapists.

Novelusername · 20/05/2021 07:50

she earns more and is in charge of finances etc so I always saw her as being more in 'control' if that make sense.
This speaks volumes to me. He may have seemed 'supportive' on the surface, but I expect deep down he was feeling emasculated and this is his way of gaining control over his wife. Absolutely unforgivable, for me it would be a termination and divorce, although of course it's easy for me to say. I think you should make sure your cousin knows that this is rape, how her husband risked her physical wellbeing in getting her pregnant again so soon, how abuse often starts in pregnancy and the seriousness of this betrayal. How devastating for her with a young baby to manage, she can never trust him again.

MyOtherProfile · 20/05/2021 07:50

@fallfallfall

Physically she’ll be fine. Many women have tiny age gaps. Emotionally that’s different.
And not even necessarily physically fine. I hope she didn't have a c section - there's a risk of the scar rupturing if it hasn't had time to heal between pregnancies.
partyatthepalace · 20/05/2021 07:51

My God. That is extraordinary, and yes it is a crime, as she could not consent to what was actually happening.

There is something seriously wrong with this man.

All you can do is listen and support, she will be in shock and has a very young child so imagine it may take time. I think this would be very hard to move forward from - trust would be gone.

Onceuponatime1818 · 20/05/2021 07:54

It’s a crime, it’s rape.

I’m sorry this happened to your cousin.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 20/05/2021 08:10

My ex did something similar as he wanted another baby. My baby was just 16 weeks old, and he wanted another- I ended up pregnant, without knowing and then it was ectopic and I nearly died. Divorce followed shortly after.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/05/2021 08:11

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape. Because it is done with the full knowledge that the other person wouldn't consent if they knew. So it's non-consensual sex. And rape is the word for that.

I would divorce DH over this without question. I couldn't deal with someone living in my house with utter contempt for my health and bodily autonomy.

^Utterly this.

How can you live with someone in an intimate relationship committing such a massive breach of trust?

As for having babies close together - some women are fine, others have long term health problems even if the pregnancy has not been coerced.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/05/2021 08:13

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

Oh I needed a good laugh this morning. Tell you what hun, you lobby to make it illegal for women to forcibly impregnate men. I

Sanchez79 · 20/05/2021 08:18

If I were in your shoes OP I'd be watching that man like a hawk from now on. This is extreme, life altering abuse. I'd be getting her signed up to the freedom programme and be ready and waiting with the spare room made up for when she is finally ready to leave him.

Hoppinggreen · 20/05/2021 08:20

@C8H10N4O2

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

Oh I needed a good laugh this morning. Tell you what hun, you lobby to make it illegal for women to forcibly impregnate men. I

Yes, what about the poor men?? FFS
KaptainKaveman · 20/05/2021 08:26

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape. Because it is done with the full knowledge that the other person wouldn't consent if they knew. So it's non-consensual sex. And rape is the word for that.

I would divorce DH over this without question. I couldn't deal with someone living in my house with utter contempt for my health and bodily autonomy.

100% this. Atrocious behaviour.