Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

[topflower123]

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

Wow, what a tough situation for your cousin. Thank goodness she has you to confide in.
It's difficult to process as an outsider, I can't even imagine what she's going through.

Is it possible for her and her current DC to spend a bit of time away from the husband to process the situation in her own way and time?

Good luck OP, and good luck to your cousin!

“User548
In the context of intercourse, the chances of sufficient semen coming out a few pin holes in the tip of the condom that can lead to pregnancy is very low. “

The the tiniest amount can make someone pregnant. Hence people who have become pregnant using the withdrawal method, heavy petting with no penetration etc.

Also, he may have opened packets and pricked condoms then put them back in thereby forcing bid g it easier to make a hole in the right place. No one in his wife’s position would dream of checking.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Many men are duped into fatherhood that way. Many ALLOW themselves to be duped because they don't give a thought about contraception, many actively fight against using it because their preference for bare skin trumps all else.

If every man took responsibility for his own contraception, instead of blithely assuming that it is woman's work, then they would rarely if ever get caught out!

That and if they did take responsibility you can bet there would be a pill already in full, cheap production. But no... let the women take the chemicals!

I think you are right BUT in real life, many men trust their wives to keep on taking the Pill and don't feel any need to double up. I'm talking ofl ong term committed relationships, not one night stands or non- committed set ups.

Practically, she definitely needs to ask him to move out for a while, to give her space to think. Does she have family who can help with her baby?

Practically and symbolically, it's important that he is the one to move out. This is her and her family's home, her body, her choices.

Going to stay with family, leaving him there, may be tempting but it reinforces the 'woman as maternal carer whose place is within the family, man as autonomous adult and head of the household' narrative.

He needs to be the one exposed, inconvenienced, left out on a limb and needing to explain his predicament.

if you're trying to think of things to make her feel better, 2 of my kids are that close in age and although the babyhood is a bit of a mare (2 in nappies etc.) when they get to toddler and school age it is so so nice having 2 kids that close in age. I've absolutely loved it and would have no problem recommending that type of age gap. It's really the 0-3 years that are the hardest bit (double buggy etc.).

“Today 09:23 CuriousaboutSamphire

@User5485421134”

Your experiments with pricking condoms showing it is very difficult were interesting.
Then, you may be right that he just took it off.

If so would that lie be to imply, “It was just a tiny pin-prick. I didn’t really think it would work.”?

It is absolutely dreadful which ever way he did it.

He cannot ever have been nice. Just apparently nice but passive-aggressively horrible underneath the appearance of niceness.

Such a selfish act, physically demanding on her body too, without the emotional aspect. I had two under 21 mths, no regrets but hard work looking after two babies, I was pregnant when DS1 was a year old, your cousin will have a very small gap, she hasn’t had time to get over the birth. Awful to have choice taken away, not sure how I could recover from that.

What a fucking, fucking bastard! To the poster who said that your relative would be physically fine with such a short gap, my body was absolutely not ready after that time. It took a very long time for my body to recover.
Fucking bastard how dare he do this to her! What a fucking invasion of her body and life and agency.

I could not forgive that. It shows a disrespect to her on a fundamental level.

Worse than rape, deliberate impregnation. What a fucking awful crime. How beyond unfair to force such a life changing (and as you say, OP, possibly dangerous) situation onto someone.

I'm sorry, OP, your cousin needs out of this relationship as soon as she possibly can do so. That makes my blood run cold. What of the poor child that's conceived like this?

As well as the physical and emotional impact will this also impact her job and their finances? I had a surprise pregnancy that would have meant a 17 month age gap and I would only have just been back at work for the minimum time before eligible for my maternity pay again. I did lose the baby so it ended up not being an issue but it was stressful (and losing the baby traumatic but that is a different part to the story).

On another note someone once removed a condom during sex after being explicitly told by me that condoms were necessary. It was about 13 years ago I still remember the feeling of violation. For a husband to do this to a spouse is so much worse. An absolute abuse of trust and consent.

@LunaLula83

It's a myth. If the condom has a hole in it, the condom splits when it's put on.

sure it does.....

Just when you think you’ve heard it all... this is so awful. Forcibly pregnant is one nasty thing but to do it to your 4 months post partum wife is just beyond ...

So sorry for your cousin OP.

She should try to get away from him ASAP, I know I wouldn’t feel safe. It would be curtains for me. Can she stay with her parents and have them help out?

@topflower123 Maybe reduce / change the relationship details in your post as this might be quite identifying, and is so hideous it might end up in the Daily Fail.

Encourage her to speak to Womens Aid.

This is truly shocking! What the hell was he thinking, how awfully immature and selfish of him and how upsetting for her. I can 100% see how this is a crime. I hope she will be OK. Does he understand how wrong it was to do this? He sounds like a complete idiot, poor girl :(

Having a 4 month gap between babies is HARD physically and not medically recommended!

I have, by choice, a 6 month gap between mine and am about to give birth to number 2. It’s been months of SPD, pain and discomfort all of which my midwife/GP say is due to close pregnancies. Luckily I was young (ish) fit and healthy to begin with but saying ‘loads of women have short gaps’ doesn’t mean it’s ok for her husband to inflict that on her!

Jesus it’s like saying ‘loads of women have nose piercings so it’s ok to force one on one who doesn’t want it’

I’d never be able to forgive this type of deception. My marriage would be over in an instant.

there is less than a year between dc2 and dc3 in my case. Its ridiculously hard on mind and body to have two pregnancies and births in a year, and while the children are close, Im not sure ive ever been the same since. It nearly broke me

For anyone saying / thinking this isn't a crime, he has gotten her pregnant against her will. It's horrific and she did not give consent to have unprotected sex. This is a form of 'stealthing' and consent was not given. I feel sick for this poor woman.

@Whoarethewho

*Yes, what about the poor men?? FFS*

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS. A woman has full controll she can use birth control and has the ability to terminate at will up to 20 weeks.
I would change the law so either would be considered rape as the man couldn't consent. But either way continue your misandry against the evil oppressor men.

This case though is obviously rape and he is an arse.

But termination isn't necessarily an easy option, and why should a women have to go through a medical procedure because the man lied?

I think it's awful if women lie about contraception, but the tiny amount a man may be made to pay is not comparable to the physical and mental risks of pregnancy and giving birth. It's not fair, but that's biology.

Awful act and I wouldn’t stay with a partner who did that.

I’ve always warned mine to take control of their own fertility. Proking holes in condoms or not taking the pill deliberately has sadly been around for ages.

@LunaLula83

It's a myth. If the condom has a hole in it, the condom splits when it's put on.

Sorry but this is not correct. It depends on the amount of damage to the condom as a whole as to wether the condom would split. It would be quite possible to pin prick holes and for the condom to be largely intact. No partner in a trusting relationship would be looking closely at the condom to check. Why would they need to?

The risks of pregnancy are very different for women to men. The risk to life, health and mental health is far greater for women, so I think piercing condoms (without the partner’s knowledge) - I would think is a crime.

I think a lot of people now don’t realise how much risk there is in childbirth to health and mental health of the woman. Thankfully due to modern medical advances, most women and babies come safely through - but he been so irresponsible because he has put both his wife and child at needless risk.

OP - I hope your cousin is ok and manages to get some counselling and that her husband realises the enormity of what he has done.

@topflower123 I agree about being a listening ear so she knows she has at least one person who has her back.

I would encourage her to ask herself if she will ever be able to trust him again. He is playing with HER health but imposing a pregnancy on her when he cleary knew she wouldnt be happy with that. He forced his pov onto her.
Will she ever be able to trsut someone who does that??

I would also encourage her to ask herself what sort of partner does that and then talks about it wo a ounce of remorce and clearly expecting her to just accept it. Can she live with someone like this or has he actually crossed all the hard lines that make someone a good enough partner?

She needs support, a lot of it. Because tbh, if she stays, she will have two very yound dcs to deal wkith and that's going to be hard work. She will also always be watching her back.
And if she is leaving, she will end up looking after two very young dcs on her own. Which is also going to be very hard work.

That's awful.

My best advice would be divorce and filing a complaint with the police or report as domestic abuse. There may be no benefit for her to report him, but it is possible that her children will end up with a few more siblings if he continues to make women pregnant against their will.

But it depends on what she wants to do. I suppose your role is to ensure that her final decision is the best she can do for herself, and not sacrifice her happiness and safety for a supposed "sake of the children" or whatever relatives and friends will think.

I could never forgive him for this. Her DH basically doesn’t see your cousin as anything more than a baby incubator. He does not respect or value her.

Your niece? Surely if you are cousins, then her child would be your second cousin, not your niece?

second cousin yes - so confusing the cousins thing