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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

228 replies

topflower123 · 20/05/2021 00:53

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 20/05/2021 09:12

@GreyhoundG1rl

How would it not be a crime? It's completely removing someone's bodily autonomy to choose, consent, even know about creating a pregnancy which they then either have to carry or abort. Pretty dehumanising and traumatic no? Angry

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/05/2021 09:13

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape. Because it is done with the full knowledge that the other person wouldn't consent if they knew. So it's non-consensual sex. And rape is the word for that.

I would divorce DH over this without question. I couldn't deal with someone living in my house with utter contempt for my health and bodily autonomy.

I was about to post a close paraphrase of this message. There are not too many circumstances in which I'd view a single act as a complete dealbreaker in a marriage, especially when coping with a very young baby.

This is certainly one.

NewlyGranny · 20/05/2021 09:16

I have heard babies born of successive, closely spaced pregnancies like this referred to as "Irish twins" which is an offensive and bigoted term, but in the RC school system I met a few pregnant women who had a child in the pushchair, a toddler holding on, one in the nursery and one in every year group going up. Occasionally there would be two in the same year group if their birthdays fell in September and August. These women were routinely exhausted. Often they had been advised by their GP or gynaecologist not to have more babies, or to space them out more.

A woman's body is working flat out to sustain a pregnancy, and embarking on the next while still postpartum, probably anaemic and generally run down is not good for mother or babies. The risk of problems like prematurity, stillbirth and spina bifida goes up.

It's one thing if a woman and her husband choose this life; another thing entirely if a woman is sabotaged into it.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 20/05/2021 09:19

Your poor cousin. I'm glad she has you but my god, how.will she ever trust her husband again, she needs to.get him.to acknowledge what he did by text so she has it in writing incase she needs that later and he starts denying it xx

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 09:23

@User5485421134 Oddly I was about to say much the same having conducted similar experiments with a group of teens in a community support group. They had heard a similar story and wondered how it would work. They too decided it could not.

In the packet physically it was nigh on impossible and the packet showed all the attempts quite clearly

Out of the packet was an unpleasant experience and no easier to get anything sharp through the latex (or non latex)

When they did get a hole through - a stapler with the flared back setting was easier to get out again - nothing escaped the condom, water, saline solution, milk, porridge (don't ask). In order to get more than the smallest bead of liquid the condom had to be tied off and a chunky 15 year old stood on it! and wiggled.

They too decided that it was an urban myth and that it was far more likely that the condom had been removed during sex.

I know, weird world. But I loved that job. The kids were all excluded from home, school, society etc. But they were probably the most intelligent and enquiring kids I have ever worked with Smile

NewMatress · 20/05/2021 09:28

Oh, interesting. I had wondered how big the hole needs to be.

So it's "better" to admit to sabotaging the condom than to removing it?

I work with PRU kids and I agree Curious

mynameisbrian · 20/05/2021 09:31

i couldnt stay with a man that did something so shocking. I have no idea how your cousin moves on from this as I couldnt trust that man ever again

Naunet · 20/05/2021 09:36

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS. A woman has full controll she can use birth control and has the ability to terminate at will up to 20 weeks
I would change the law so either would be considered rape as the man couldn't consent. But either way continue your misandry against the evil oppressor men

FFS - this is a thread about a woman who has been raped and impregnated against her will. It is really not the place for your Poor Menz, dick pandering bollocks.

sadie9 · 20/05/2021 09:43

I feel like if it were me the trust would be completely gone. It's an absolute outrage. I'd like to think if it were me I'd report it to the police but in reality would I? Because I think I'd be feeling so vulnerable I don't think I would....
I'm glad she has you to talk to.
But she may not thank you if she is unaware that you put this on a public forum. That'd be another person who went behind her back. Therefore I'd ask MN to take this down.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 09:49

@Whoarethewho

*Yes, what about the poor men?? FFS*

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS. A woman has full controll she can use birth control and has the ability to terminate at will up to 20 weeks.
I would change the law so either would be considered rape as the man couldn't consent. But either way continue your misandry against the evil oppressor men.

This case though is obviously rape and he is an arse.

To be fair anyone outside a fully committed relationship who relies on A N Other for contraception is total idiot. A man who doesn't want to pay for a kid he never wanted needs to wear a condom, get a vasectomy. A woman who doesn't want to get pregnant needs to be on some form of contraception, insist on a condom, preferably both.

Everyone has full control over the efforts they take to prevent a pregnancy!

So can we stop with all the 'poor men' shite? They have full agency!

OP, your friend's DH removed her agency, is playing with her health, not considering her at all! He is at best an utterly self absorbed narcissitic twat.

PussGirl · 20/05/2021 09:53

Despicable behaviour - I also wonder whether he actually removed it stealthily rather than puncturing it - most men would prefer to have sex "bareback".

And yes it could be harmful for her physically - certainly after a Caesarean it is recommended to wait at least a year before trying to conceive.

Poor woman - I could never trust him again

Branleuse · 20/05/2021 09:54

id book an abortion in front of any cunt that did this

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 09:57

Crime or no crime its still a totally vile thing to do. She should leave.

JinglingHellsBells · 20/05/2021 09:57

Rape? Is it really? Never heard of this scenario in a legal context.
As PP says what about women who 'forget' to take their Pill?
Or swear it's a 'safe' time of the month?
Many men are duped into fatherhood that way.

But whatever the law is, he's behaved very badly.
The thought of being pregnant again at 4 months after the first- awful.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/05/2021 10:00

@Stuckinarutneedhelp

Her baby is your second cousin not niece xx
No. Her baby is your children’s second cousin, if you have children. Baby is your first cousin once removed, not second cousin.
cashoncollection · 20/05/2021 10:01

It’s a crime and it is rape.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/05/2021 10:01

@PussGirl

Despicable behaviour - I also wonder whether he actually removed it stealthily rather than puncturing it - most men would prefer to have sex "bareback".

And yes it could be harmful for her physically - certainly after a Caesarean it is recommended to wait at least a year before trying to conceive.

Poor woman - I could never trust him again

I agree with this.
Naunet · 20/05/2021 10:02

Rape? Is it really? Never heard of this scenario in a legal context
As PP says what about women who 'forget' to take their Pill?
Or swear it's a 'safe' time of the month?
Many men are duped into fatherhood that way

Jesus Christ. Yes you’re completely right, it’s perfectly fine for a man to forcibly impregnate a woman against her will, what could possibly be wrong with that? And yes, women are bad and evil.

Now go collect your patriarchy cookie like a good girl.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/05/2021 10:02

Many men are duped into fatherhood that way. Many ALLOW themselves to be duped because they don't give a thought about contraception, many actively fight against using it because their preference for bare skin trumps all else.

If every man took responsibility for his own contraception, instead of blithely assuming that it is woman's work, then they would rarely if ever get caught out!

That and if they did take responsibility you can bet there would be a pill already in full, cheap production. But no... let the women take the chemicals!

Ellie56 · 20/05/2021 10:03

I'd be showing the despicable piece of shit that article where the guy went to prison for the same thing, and telling him I was booking an abortion, whether I intended going through with it or not.

I can't see how she can ever feel the same way about him again. He has betrayed her completely.

Gymsmile21 · 20/05/2021 10:03

Oh that’s really bad, just given birth and has to go through it again so soon!

He can’t be trusted, what if he does it again!

This is sick in so many ways, I hope she can see what his really done and doesn’t excuse him for it.

Gymsmile21 · 20/05/2021 10:04

She should tell him she is having an abortion, even if she plans not too, so he gets the picture that she gets a say when her body goes through pregnancy too!!

ChaToilLeam · 20/05/2021 10:06

What a despicable shit her DH is. I’d put money on him doing this to get control over her.

She now has many decisions to make and none of them easy. Your poor cousin, I hope you can be there for her and support her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/05/2021 10:07

@Naunet

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS. A woman has full controll she can use birth control and has the ability to terminate at will up to 20 weeks I would change the law so either would be considered rape as the man couldn't consent. But either way continue your misandry against the evil oppressor men

FFS - this is a thread about a woman who has been raped and impregnated against her will. It is really not the place for your Poor Menz, dick pandering bollocks.

Applause.
lottiegarbanzo · 20/05/2021 10:08

One obvious question is why he didn't talk to her about age gaps and when to start TTC. Or had they talked? Had she stated a preference? Said no to his? This is something to ask her.

If he thought she'd have agreed, or that she might have knowledge or preferences that mattered, talking would have worked.

Must be frustrating for some men, not having wombs, so not having autonomous control over their reproduction.

Or is he using reproduction as a means to control her? To push her into a home-shaped box, so he can 'take control' of the relationship and appoint himself as big man and head of the family?

The most charitable possible explanation is that he's impulsive, ignorant and unintelligent. Has she had a very straightforward pregnancy, birth and recovery? Is the baby and easy one? Did he fail to learn about the risks of pregnancy and birth? (I think a lot of people think that, because maternal mortality is so low, pregnancy carries no risks. They learn about the minor and major risks through their and their peers' experience). Had they previously agreed they wanted a second child sooner than later?

Somebody who acts to take control of your body is not somebody you want in your home though.