Cousins DH poked holes in condom - now pregnant again after 4 months?! Serious advice needed...

[topflower123]

My cousin and I are extremely close - only 1 year apart in age. To date, I have always had a good relationship with her DH and from what I had seen he is a wonderful husband/father.

She gave birth to my niece almost 4 months ago. Since then we have kept in touch with almost daily calls but I am yet to meet my niece in person. Last week my cousin told me (but no one else in the family yet) that she is pregnant again. She seemed really shocked and I must admit I was too but at the time I just listened and didn't probe too much.

This evening she has called me pretty much in tears saying that her DH admitted poking holes in their condoms as he wanted another child soon and didn't want a gap between their children. I am so angry at what he has done that I can't even think properly!! Not only is this incredibly deceptive but also really dangerous as she is only 4 months postpartum. I just can;t believe what she has told me but have no idea what to advise as I am so shocked.

What to do/advise?

It's is a crime.

And separately I personally consider it rape

The crime is actually rape.

@LunaLula83 - the thing about the condom is some of the biggest bollocks I've ever heard.

Reproductive coercion is horrible. It's great your cousin has you to support her.

My understanding is that doctors recommendation at least a year between pregnancies for women’s bodies to recover.

Depending on medical source, the recommendation is minimum 12-18 months from the end of one pregnancy to TTC the next to reduce risks associated with multiple pregnancies.

As pp said, she'll most likely be physically okay especially if there are no other significant risk factors and some women do choose to take that increased risk with no issues and if that's their choice that's great - some of the best things in life are risky, but others aren't as lucky and those who didn't choose it likely more so. He's taken a gamble on her behalf, significantly increasing the risk to her health both during pregnancy and long-term. She gets all the risks for what he wants.

I could not stomach someone who would put someone else, even more someone they supposedly love, in potential danger through deception like that -- and for what, his ideal of a close age gap? There are plenty of siblings with a close age gap that can't stand each other. It's ridiculous and infuriating.

Yes, what about the poor men??
FFS

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS. A woman has full controll she can use birth control and has the ability to terminate at will up to 20 weeks.
I would change the law so either would be considered rape as the man couldn't consent. But either way continue your misandry against the evil oppressor men.

This case though is obviously rape and he is an arse.

Of course it's rape. It sounds as though he wants to punish her, too, by putting her through a pregnancy so soon after her previous pregnancy.

I think I f a man removed the condom before having sex with a man it would also be rape as that is not what was consented to.

Gay men do consider this to be rape. It does happen.

Your poor cousin. I agree with those saying to tell her it's rape. It might make her think differently about it. And you said he doesn't seem abusive, but that can happen after a baby is born. It's a very worrying situation.

Her baby is your second cousin not niece xx

Women getting pregnant on purpose by lying about birth control is also a reprehensible act. Neither of these situations are acceptable. Both remove the 'informed' part of consent.
What he has done is rape. Your poor, poor friend, what a vile thing to do to her.

To be fair a man tricked by a woman by not using birth control when stated can do naff all to stop the pregnancy and will pay for it via CMS.
Erm, he could wear a condom? Whilst it's deplorable that a woman would trick a man into getting her pregnant, a man knows the risks involved when having sex with a woman without a condom. If he doesn't want to be a father, he needs to take responsibility for by rubbering up. Of course, too many men make excuses about that, and put the responsibility on women to take medication with horrible side effects so men can go condom free. This attitude towards birth control needs to change.

What your cousin's H has done is a crime as PPs have said. It's also a deal-breaker because by manipulating her and putting her in the cleft stick of choosing to terminate or risking her physical and mental health, financial security, career and the well-being of the existing child, he has broken the vows he made at their wedding. Where is the love and cherishing? Where is the honour and protection? How is he worshipping her with his body?

If they wrote their own vows or married in a different faith, what did he promise her? I would take this breach as seriously as if he had cheated on her, because this is cheating behaviour.

She is able to consider herself as released from the promises she made him because he has well and truly broken his. His acts were not those of someone who loves their spouse.

Every unplanned pregnancy is the result of an irresponsible male ejaculation. 100%

Every unplanned pregnancy is the result of an irresponsible male ejaculation. 100%
Agreed, it's the male PIV orgasm that causes pregnancy, not the female.

@Stuckinarutneedhelp

Her baby is your second cousin not niece xx

Is that really your take away from this thread?

Absolutely not ok. I would seriously reconsider my marriage to this person. I had PND in my pregnancy and to have another baby whilst coping with that and a very young baby, would have wrecked havoc with my mental health.

So a woman who tells her husband she’s using birth control but knowingly isn’t , because she wants a baby ( not that ever happened , ever ) is guilty of a crime too ?. Or is this law only applicable to men.

@Pyewackect if you want to critique the law, start your own thread. Your comment is neither relevant nor helpful to the OP's situation

It is lovely that you are there for your cousin. Do encourage her to get some professional counseling as well. Have a look on the BACP therapists directory for someone who is properly qualified. It may help her feel more in control of the situation, as it would be easy for her to spiral down in the post natal fog of sleepless nights and given what has happened. Best wishes to you both.

I am so sorry that is awful. I am sure someone with more medical knowledge will be on here at some point but I think you are right about getting pregnant so soon again. It does happen but I think the chances of the child being born slightly premature has increased from what I have read as I was researching when to do more IVF after my twins were born and I had the impression its better to wait at least 6 months to let the womb recover. There are 5 children in our family and my mum fell pregnant 3-4 months twice after giving birth and my resulting siblings were both born slightly premature this was despite my mum being in her 20s during them.

women getting pregnant on perpose is slightly different, because of the dependance and responsibility issue, as well as the physical issue.

A woman is often tethered by childbearing and it is the point where sex wage gaps and career start to happen. Yes a woman may get pregnant by deception but she will have responsibility for that decision for the rest of her life, whereas the decieved man can walk. And pretty often avoid paying anything.

A man who deliberately impregnates a woman usually wants to keep her home and tied to the house. He isnt going around impregnating randoms. he enjoys the benefits of the control he has over her, and he is imposing the lifetime responsibility on her without her fair choice

so boo hoo the poor men. Its not the same for the two sexes at all.

tell her it is rape. Give her a copy of the freedom programme so that she can see if he is raising other red flag behaviour since she was first pregnant. And yes to those who say that he probably likes the shift of power

It seems strange that he has gone from being an apparently loving and caring husband to doing something like this.As she earns more is he threatened by that maybe?Honestly this is one of the very worse things I have read on here! Surely she cannot trust him again .She is lucky to have you to confide in .Women who get pregnant "accidentally" are different in that it is their body and they have to give birth .Not the same thing at all .This would be a deal breaker for me !

He’s an abusive piece of shit, I hope she leaves ASAP.

And to the poster who claimed she’d be fine, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?!? How would you like to be made pregnant against your will, when your body is already still suffering after pregnancy, when you’re going through the newborn stage and are struggling to adjust to parenthood?? Fucking hell.

Go and get her. Just get in your car, tell her to say she's popping to the shops, and go and get her.

This is rape. But even if it wasn't considered as rape in law, it's a massive, massive act of coercion. He has made a woman pregnant without her consent - that's Gilead stuff. She needs a lot of support and I suspect some urgent, expert counselling - how is she expected to love a baby she didn't want? Every time she looks at them she's going to see betrayal. She can't just 'decide' to keep the baby, this has to be an informed and supported decision.

I know you think he's a good guy, but something like a third of domestic abuse starts when a woman is pg/has her first baby. You need to be very aware of this. Also this kind of abuse - it's really subtle. Boiling frog analogy. She may not even recognise that she's being abused what with lockdown and mat leave.

I'd seek some advice yourself. Dear god op

I'd also repost on relationships, you'll get a lot of advice and support there from women who know about this stuff and may not necessarily post on the pregnancy board.

Jumping in here to say something about this story sounds fake. I'm very sorry about what happened to your cousin but her husband's story doesn't add up.

Has anyone ever tried poking holes in a condom?! It's an urban legend that poking a few holes means all the sperm will come out and render the condom useless. In reality, the latex is extremely strong and designed to withstand pinprick holes. As part of a (wannabe edgy) uni art project many years ago we tried poking holes in condoms and it was surprisingly difficult. Even using a sewing needle you need both hands to push it through an unwrapped condom with lots of force.

To any skeptics, just try it yourself. Take a wrapped condom (even less accurate than poking an unwrapped one) and a needle/pin. Try to poke holes and see how hard that it. Then open the condom and fill it with water and see how much comes up. It's virtually nothing. We used to do something similar with water balloons in school to turn them into water guns. In order for liquid to escape a pinprick hole in a ballon you have to push it with a lot of force. In the context of intercourse, the chances of sufficient semen coming out a few pin holes in the tip of the condom that can lead to pregnancy is very low.

It's more likely that the condom was simply secretly removed which many abusive/coercive men do. And lying about poking holes is obviously not a far shot for someone who would do that in first place.

@GreyhoundG1rl

A crime? Are you sure?!

If it's not a legal defined crime (and it should be), it's definitely a disgusting violation of morals.