Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

Some people just aren't baby/kids people sadly and friendships change as you get older. You aren't going to change her so you're the one who needs to decide whether it's worth the effort.

She sounds a bit unhinged, tbh. Why would you go to visit her when she talks like that about your baby?

This sounds very tough :-( I honestly think that, as heartbreaking as this situation is for you, she isn't a good friend. Put it down to life leading you down different paths and cut your losses: you'll only end up getting regularly hurt when she persists in rejecting your child.

Is it definitely a choice not to have kids?

I say this because my ex couldn’t have kids, we did try for 8 years. I couldn’t bare having a baby in my house, emotionally and mentally it was too painful, but I also didn’t feel comfortable telling people that we couldn’t have kids.

I’m pregnant with my fiancé’s baby atm and it’s only now that I can see how my behaviour could’ve and probably did upset my friends in my twenties when I pulled away.

I'd give up on the friendship now, sad though that is.
It may be there are deeper reasons (is she unable to have children rather than unwilling?) or maybe not.. but in a few months time your baby will be your world and there simply won't be a place for someone who won't see you with your baby.

She's allowed to not be interested in kids. She's allowed to choose who comes into her house.

And you're allowed to decide whether it's a friendship you're interested in maintaining. If it's not, then don't visit. Or at least postpone visiting until you're able to leave your child at home.

I mean there’s not being into babies and then there’s not even allowing a baby in your house! That’s extreme. I’d expect my friends to at least discuss important events with me - the same as I would for them. Whether that be babies, dogs, house moves etc. She’s just closed that off and I don’t think I’d be ok with that.

@Sansa87 and @StillMedusa it's 100% choice. I went through a lot myself to get pregnant and there was a big question of would we need IVF, I was very open the whole time with her. She's told me ever since she met that she doesn't like, want, or feel the need to have kids but (she said this isn't me projecting) maybe it will change at some point.

@HollowTalk that's exactly how it made me feel - why would I want to see her anymore? But I wasn't sure if it was a hormonal overreaction.

@EithneBlue this is very much how I'm feeling about it ❤️ thanks for saying it so well.

She’s definitely got issues OP. It’s one thing to not like kids, quite another to completely outlaw them. She almost sounds like she’s punishing you when you talk about it.

You’re going to have to accept that this friendship has changed beyond what it used to be. Message her less, stop mentioning your child, keep things very formal and light. Pull away slowly. Make it clear that if your child isn’t going to be tolerated then the friendship is over. If she ever suggests you visiting then just flat out turn her down. Her friendship sadly exists in a new box for you now, so give yourself time to adjust and don’t try and change her mind, it’s not worth your emotional energy.

I had two friends who told me they couldn’t be friends with me once they found out I was pregnant and true to their word they pulled away from me and I’ve only spoken to them a few times since.

However you feel about her OP, your lives have clearly gone in a direction which makes you incompatible as friends.

To not allow children in the house suggests that either she is not childless by choice or that she has some other issues going on. Whilst I totally agree that not everyone is into kids (TBH I struggle to be into those who are not my own) to say that you are not welcome in her house with your child is extreme.

I would walk away. Spending the next few years trying to persuade her to accept your children is going to be futile and upsetting for you at a time when you need supportive people around you.

She sounds awful. Find better friends, ideally polite ones and even better those that properly care for you and your child.

I would stay in contact now and again, but just drift apart naturally. Friendships and priorities change through life. It could also be as some others said that she is struggling with fertility, we don't know. Maybe a little break would be good and reconnect later on.

I'd also recommend looking for other parents as friends or joining a course like NCT or Bump & Baby to meet other new mums. You don't have to 'swap' your old friends out but just diversify to include new ones that are going through the same things :)

She's not your best friend anymore.
I'd cut ties and forget about her, you and baby are a package deal no matter how she feels about kids. It's her that has the problem here and is showing no willingness to bend her views, you're better off without people like that.

It's a whole class of people, children. How would people react if she said she didn't like Londoners or red-haired people or musicians and would never allow one in her house?
I'd phase her out OP. You are going to love your baby and her stubborness is going to hurt. Congratulations!

It's one thing to not want kids and not really like being around them but for her to say babies are not allowed in her house.. umm what? That would be the end of the friendship for me because she's basically saying she doesn't accept your child. Omg I can't even with this.. actually ridiculous and no friend at all. I've had friends who haven't ever been kid interested but they've welcomed my baby, toddler into their home, shown them love. This is just weird.

Also if someone told me they could only see me without my child I would tell them to go F themselves.

I think she worded it very badly but she basically telling you straight, she'd like to see you without baby in tow. And for you that's not an option, so there's no visit then 🤷‍♀️ had you assumed you would stay with her? Is she basically saying yeah come visit but you'll have to stay somewhere else?

To be honest I'd find a person visiting me with their baby a massive inconvenience, I don't really like babies and I know it would not be an enjoyable thing for me to have a friend in my house with baby in tow. Naturally babies take up all the attention and focus of new mums (quite rightly) but for me it would be a complete bore and pain to have friend with baby staying at my place.
Perhaps say that you weren't expecting to stay with them but obvs baby would be with you.

@justanotherneighinparadise sorry this happened to you too. At least they were honest about it! I feel oddly like she's just trying to censor our friendship.

@Crackerofdoom yeah, I really don't want to persuade her or change her mind if that's how she feels - I'd always be waiting for another horrible comment.

@yarrow89 definitely. I'm an expat and haven't been able to do anything locally to meet other mums because of lockdown. I really hope I'll be able to find local groups fast when things open up and it's certainly at the top of things I'm looking forwards to. (That and a swim and a massage).

@giletrouge I thought this too. She has no idea how my kid is going to be and what they'll be like. It was so odd.

@Becstar90 quite 😅 I'm sure I'll want to go loads of places without my children. But I want it to be MY decision, thanks.

I can see why somebody wouldnt want a baby staying at their house for a week or even a few days. But to bar visits is extreme. It's a bit weird to say the least.

So you stay in a nearby B&B. Your partner looks after your child and you go to her house for the day/ evening / lunch / coffee/ whatever.
What do you have to talk about if you can't mention the most massive thing in your life - having a child? I can guarantee you will be biting your lip throughout.
Unfortunately this friendship has run its course.

I have friends who are childfree and not particularly interested in children. That's fine with me, we talk about grownup things. They'd never say anything like what your friend said, because they'd recognise it's rude and also slightly mental.

I think your friendship is over.

To be honest, I would probably have an honest conversation with her along the lines of.

I get that you aren’t a baby person and I respect that but if you are going to just ignore what is going to now be a huge part of my life, I can’t see how our friendship will survive. I don’t want to become someone who can only talk about children and would love us to have child free time to hang out in future but for the next couple years I’m going to have a small person pretty much permanently attached so will only be able to do Skype calls which might get interrupted. Otherwise if I visit you, or you visit me, my child will be there. If that doesn’t work for you, we may not see each other for a long time.

Are you absolutely sure she's childless by choice? I used to say for years i didnt want children and the reality was it was ALL i wanted, but couldnt admit it to others, even my closest friends because i couldn't have them.

It's extremely common for this to be the case and would be very very odd behavior from her if she just didn't like kids.. no one hates children that much that they wont allow a baby across the threshold. However, I remember reacting in a similar way when a friend had a baby and turned up one day, i was taken aback and told her to leave .

Even though you've been through IVF etc, it doesnt mean she'd therefore magically feel comfortable sharing her own experiences.

I might be way off the mark, but I think you need to be mindful and open to the idea that she's distancing herself to protect herself, and that's ok.

She could be covering infertility, a bad history, straight up emetophobia, who knows? The thing is, though, there doesn't have to be any deeper reason. Maybe she just doesn't want to risk a poor night's sleep or vomit or smeared food on her furniture or carpet?

Babies do scream. They do vomit. Their nappies do leak. There is no warning for any of these things, and you simply cannot guarantee that they won't happen.

You have to deal with this for your own kids, and there's a general level of tolerance built into society for other people's, but not everyone will want or be willing to extend this.

She's been very honest with you - she doesn't like kids; she doesn't want to talk about them or have them in her space at all. She has that right. Its harsh to hear when its such an important part of your life and you rightly want to share with her and include her, but she's been clear.

Its going to impact your friendship to some degree, because you are going to be something of a package deal with the baby for a while, but it doesn't have to be the end of it completely unless you can't or don't want to accept her position - which is, equally, your right to do.