Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

@MagicSummer "it"? What if I told you babies and children were people too? Mind blown 🤯 don't get me wrong, Kids can be a pain in the arse but I agree with other posters some people make disliking and not wanting children their whole personality. I had a friend a who didn't want and didn't children etc... guess what? She's pregnant and the only woman to have ever gone through pregnancy, judging by her social media posts.

Honestly I just could not continue a friendship where one side was intent on completely blanking out such an important part of my life. I’ve plenty of childless friends and we co exist happily. They are polite and ask about my kids and then we chat about all the other things we have in common. Sometimes they offer me support with child related stuff because they are smart/wise, and sometimes I don't mention stuff like that if I can be better supported by a friend with kids or I think it would bore them. In return they have areas of their lives I’m not experienced or interested in but it doesn’t stop me showing interest and caring.

I’d never disrespect a friend so much that I’d expect them to compartmentalise a large part of their life to the extent we couldn’t talk about it/share it etc. If your friends can’t see this then I’m afraid it’s time to move on.

I don't think I could be this person's friend. I have 3 dc and quite a few friends who are childfree by choice. My issue is not that your acquaintance is childfree but that she is such a childish and selfish little bellend about it.

Real friendships find ways of surviving. I'm childless, my best friends have children, we have maintained our friendships. I understand that occasionally the kids have to be there, they understand that kids aren't fun and are a distraction when trying to have a good chat so they try and arrange meet ups when they can get childcare. It works well and we've all supported each other through our very different lives.

I will say though that I have lost touch with some friends after they had children as the dynamic just wasn't there any more. In hindsight those friendships just weren't strong enough for either of us to be bothered to make the effort. I wasn't interested enough in their lives and kids to maintain the friendships. People change as life moves on.

In this case the ops life is massively changing, the friend isn't invested enough to make her life alter to accommodate ops change.

@BallsToYouSue

Oh God, I had one like this! She was my best friend for a while. We met when we were really young and she always said "ugh BABIES" as many teenagers and young 20s people do. I thought it was a bit of a joke really! She always said she actually did want her own dcs some day, but the thought just grossed her out. I took that to mean, oh she is scared by the notion of having dcs soon, so she makes a big fuss about not liking them.

Anyway, she got married and her sil had a baby. She was horrible about this poor baby all the time and as he grew up he knew himself she didn't like him. He said "auntie cuntface (not her real name, just her disposition), doesn't like me does she"? And cuntface (we may as well just call her this from here on out), thought it was really funny.

My mum died just before I fell pregnant with dc1 and we had quite a traumatic time in hospital after dc1 was born. Cuntface wanted to meet up. Alright thought I. I couldn't make the date she wanted, so she wanted to meet up with my DH, her DH and dc1. They met up and cuntface refused to look at our then 7 month old. She constantly referred to her as it and on one of the only phone conversations we had after we had dc1, she was really rude about my baby. I was trying to laugh it off as we did have a bantery relationship, but then I hardened the fuck up and thought "why the hell am I friends with this cunt"? She messaged one more time to arrange to visit. She made one more wise crack about hating children when she was planning to come and see me with my then toddler. I politely told her not to come as she can't very well avoid children in a house with a young child in it. She took the hump and has never contacted me since. GOOD RIDDANCE TO FOUL RUBBISH. And I will NEVER let anyone talk that way about my babies ever again and keep them in my life. Never.

Oh and the hilarious part was she said "oh you're being harsh to me, just because I don't want kids wah". No you fucker, I am being harsh to you because you were a cunt about other people's babies. I couldn't care less what you do with your uterus and neither does anyone else, (except maybe your poor downtrodden husband). Now OFF. YOU. FUCK.

Not normal. Either she has serious issues which are a world away from just 'not wanting kids' or she's worryingly unable to cope with a friend 'stepping out' from the box she's put them in.

She is controlling at the very least. Step back, it's not going to end well.

Oh yes and most of my best friends are childless, through choice or otherwise. They are amazing people who aren't necessarily baby people, but they know how to behave because they aren't rancid shits.

I think I’m in quite an unusual position that I am the only one in my close friendship circle to have kids. We are all mid 40s so this is unlikely to change now.

It has been interesting to negotiate this - some have welcomed the kids with open arms and are now ‘aunties’ others are not kids people at all and keep kids at arms length. Some ( who I know are not childless by choice) have found it painful and we have drifted apart when the kids were tiny but things have mended as time has gone on.

although those that are less keen are UK based so the question of staying has not arisen.

It has been hard on occasion especially when the DCs were babies, but now I find it great to have that separation between being a mum and being me. I have made a new circle of mum friends to share kids stuff with and, when I get the chance I can leave them with DH and regain a bit of who I was before kids.

Perhaps step back a bit, but don’t cut her off just yet. See how things develop

no one hates children that much that they wont allow a baby across the threshold.

Honestly, some people really do. There are entire discussion boards and social media groups online in which people spend lots and lots of time talking about how much they hate kids. Really. Most people who have decided not to have children are not like this. A few are.

I agree with others that the friendship has run its course. She sounds rude and odd.

(Needless to say, if you distance yourself, the story from her will be "Wah, why do friends always DITCH you when they have kids? Why are childfree by choice people treated so meanly by everyone?")

Could be she’s struggling with infertility - a mate of mine was very vocal about how much she didn’t want smelly little brats messing up her lovely home, until she revealed when drunk one evening that actually gynaecology issues meant she had no choice in the matter.

Could be emetophobia as eloquently explained upthread.

Could be sensory issues - one of my DC has to leave a bus if an awake baby gets on even if it’s just gurgling or chuckling because they cannot deal with the noises and the stress of knowing it might start crying.

Either way it’s incompatible with a continuing friendship in the medium term. If you otherwise value her friendship I’d pull back, keep exchanging texts/WhatsApp messages about other things in your lives and see where you both are in 5 years time.

This sounds a bit extreme, but a lot of people find it difficult to cope with a friend moving on to the mother stage. I always saw a good friend minus the dcs, and in fact rarely mentioned them. The friendship cooled when, some years later, she had a child and it was the Second Coming and she only had one topic of conversation. I was pretty cheesed off that I had shown consideration for ten years and now I was supposed to be interested in every minute detail of the wunderkind.

I was also going to suggest possible sex offender husband. It seems mad to say they can't stay in the house. Maybe understand if she said that her house isn't practical for baby to stay for several days, but not even for a coffee? Unless there's another reason, she is a bad friend. Friends put up with un-ideal situations for their friends, whether it's a boyfriend you don't particularly like, an irritating pet or indeed a baby.

@JackieWeaversAuthorityHere

Are you absolutely sure she's childless by choice? I used to say for years i didnt want children and the reality was it was ALL i wanted, but couldnt admit it to others, even my closest friends because i couldn't have them.

It's extremely common for this to be the case and would be very very odd behavior from her if she just didn't like kids.. no one hates children that much that they wont allow a baby across the threshold. However, I remember reacting in a similar way when a friend had a baby and turned up one day, i was taken aback and told her to leave .

Even though you've been through IVF etc, it doesnt mean she'd therefore magically feel comfortable sharing her own experiences.

I might be way off the mark, but I think you need to be mindful and open to the idea that she's distancing herself to protect herself, and that's ok.

It’s NOT ok given the lengths the friend has gone to to make sure the OP understands her baby is not welcome.

It’s her close friend! They are both adults. If she can’t bring herself to be honest about her reasons then she needs to behave tactfully and considerately and she’s doing anything but. Infertility sucks and is brutal but doesn’t give anyone the right to behave disrespectfully towards a friend without accepting there will be consequences.

Unfortunately, it is her home and her choice, but I wouldn't be comfortable taking my baby to stay with someone who feels like this about babies anyway. If she doesn't want to put in any effort to make the friendship work, I don't see why you have to. Perhaps your friend knew all along that she couldn't have children for some reason or its unlikely that she would? A friend of mine had an abortion when she was 19 and in her early 20s she learned that she would most probably never be able to have children( I am not saying the two are connected in anyway btw). I didn't ask details cos obviously its was a very sensitive topic for her and she was absolutely devastated. To me, it does not seem normal to not allow children even for a visit, it seems like there is more it than her just not liking babies. Don't bother visiting her and if she wants to visit you say your baby is allergic to people who don't like babies (or if it were me i would say my baby is allergic to arseholes), so you can't have her visit you . I think you need to end this friendship.

I find babies really annoying so I can understand her pov. (I've got 3).

Is there any reason why you can't stay in an Airbnb if you want to visit her?

However, she's not being massively realistic in that if she wants to see you at all, she will have to compromise on seeing you with the baby in a cafe or at your place if she doesn't want it in the house, while the baby is small.

I'd cross that bridge when you come to it.

Hang on. The visit was your suggestion, not hers - she's quite entitled to feel that she doesn't want to play host to your baby.
You might be glad of a friend who sees you as something more than just a mum when the novelty has worn off!
As yet - you are only five months pregnant. This is of very limited interest to anyone other than yourself and the baby's father.

She sounds like a horrible person.

Your friendship is over. You’re about to be a mother and she doesn’t want you to mention what will be a huge part of your life, let alone tolerate it.

She is totally bizarre, rude, probably unhinged and definitely making a point. She doesn’t like babies and she isn’t going to like yours.
Pathetic.
Babies are human beings. You don’t ban over 70s, mentally ill, disabled people, teens from your house unless you’re a moronic weirdo.
Defo sumo that friend!

I really don't think you can tell anything about the reasons behind it - some men and women really have no interest in children at all and find them annoying.

It's less common in women hence the blank incomprehension from posters here, and the inference it must be fertility issues.

But I can understand why she wouldn't want a small baby around as they're a hassle, can make a lot of noise and preoccupy a lot of time.

@katy1213

Hang on. The visit was your suggestion, not hers - she's quite entitled to feel that she doesn't want to play host to your baby. You might be glad of a friend who sees you as something more than just a mum when the novelty has worn off! As yet - you are only five months pregnant. This is of very limited interest to anyone other than yourself and the baby's father.

I agree.

You can ban whoever you like from your house.

But I’d come up with a better excuse than the “friend” has. Frankly someone who sounds like rather a distant friend coming to stay with a baby would fill me with, if not dread, then a feeling of boredom. Worse still, a toddler! I’m so done with toddlers!

I think the friend is spooked by the thought of a week’s stay. She probably would have been fine with a couple of hours one afternoon.

I think shes being awful. I would message her to say, " I understand that you don't like children. I have a child now so meeting up without it, wont be easy for me." And just leave it at that. Think I'd withdraw from all contact. Look for mummy friends and move on.

...... it's 100% choice. I went through a lot myself to get pregnant and there was a big question of would we need IVF, I was very open the whole time with her. She's told me ever since she met that she doesn't like, want, or feel the need to have kids but (she said this isn't me projecting) maybe it will change at some point.

I wouldn't be so sure. A very good friend of mine told me the same, for many many years, until she one day announced she was pregnant, with twins. A year or so later she confessed the twins weren't a happy accident but the result of 4 years of IVF, and many losses.

When I fell pregnant naturally, at what would be considered rather old, she engineered a massive argument and has never spoken to me again. The whole baby thing completely messed with her head. She couldn't bear the fact I'd had it so easy.

I am fairly sure there is more to the story than she doesn't like babies. Please be kind, give her some space, and try and understand this isn't about you.

I do think the op suggesting the visit does make a difference... with my former friend it was the other way round and I would never deliberately expose my child to someone who quote "hates" children. Why would I do that? I thought the time she did meet dc, that maybe she hadn't meant all the baby hating stuff. Turned out, she was being totally honest! It was her who chased us for catch ups and was eventually told no. Fuck off. Don't like babies? Good for you. Now piss off and leave my babies alone.