Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

I have plenty too but I don’t have any who don’t know about my kids. Having a baby is a huge thing, having a toddler or a teen. OPs friend in choosing not to know anything appears not to give a shit about her friend.

it's an artificial and impoverished life that restricts contact only to convenient companions at the same life stage as oneself.

exactly @bourbonne

@Sugarandteaandmum

it's an artificial and impoverished life that restricts contact only to convenient companions at the same life stage as oneself.

exactly @bourbonne

Nobody can decide if the friend's life is 'artificial and impoverished'. If she's happy, they would be wrong.

It would be artificial and would impoverish your life to pretend you want to do something that you don't want to do.

The woman is honest and has clear boundaries. She and OP may be incompatible as friends, but that doesn't make her emotionally deprived, or fake.

I agree that lots of people want a friend “frozen in time” and if one changes path then it adversely affects the relationship.

But that is ok! You don’t have to be friends with someone come what may. Obviously a good, deep friendship lasts a lifetime, but many are based on a life stage and things you have in common at one particular point. Most of us make “mum friends” when we have babies/toddlers/school gaters, and we accept that those friendships often drift as all we have in common is dcs of the same age. Likewise if your friend was a teenage/young free and single pal then you may find you are very different people ten years later.

I agree that lots of people want a friend “frozen in time” and if one changes path then it adversely affects the relationship.
Real people change and grow, if they've moved on with new experiences you either accept that or let them go as a friend, you can't expect people to stay the same.

Sorry this is happening OP - but I think you need to let this friend go.
When I was pregnant, a very close friend just totally never mentioned it - and after my DC was born, she never asked about or mentioned my baby at all, ever! I stopped corresponding with her and the friendship just ended, it was the strangest thing.

Agree with the two previous posts. Some friendships survive big changes, but others don't. Some friends I had disappeared when our lives took different paths, but my best friends are almost all childless / childfree. We make it work and it isn't hard. We adjust a bit and make an effort to see each other. Sometimes dcs are there, but more often not.

The former friend I mentioned up thread openly hates all babies, including mine. I only realised this after we had dc1. She would not be part of my life now, whether we had dcs or not. I don't associate with shit people like that. Me being a parent doesn't change that. In the same way I wouldn't associate with someone who was homophobic although I am not gay. Or someone who was antisemitic even though I am not Jewish.

@bournbonne

Like the grandmother mentioned upthread who won't have her little grandchildren polluting her stylish apartment. How very sad. Maybe she'll find that once they grow up, their boundaries shut out doddering old people who might smell of urine (which wouldn't at all be horrid or prejudiced of them - perish the thought!- simply an honest drawing of boundaries!).

They have grown up and have a great relationship, she just didn’t like babies. There’s no need to worry about her she’s spent the last 20 years running an art gallery, travelling all over the world with her mates, she’s had a great time.

I think, (and it's almost a conversation for another thread), but grandparents refusing to have their grandchildren in their houses, or to have any input in their lives while they are children, is bound to affect their relationship with the gcs.

But that's ok, it does just mean, as the pp was saying, that chances are, their grandchildren won't have a close enough relationship with them that they will feel they want to participate in their grandparents' lives as they get older. It's fine as a grandparents to make that choice. Grandparents have no legal right to see grandchildren and likewise no legal obligation to care for them at all.
But you can't opt out of grand parenting for the childhood years and then expect a teenager or young adult to want to spend time with you later. But maybe, as you say tat, this granny doesn't need grandchildren in her life at any age, as it is full of other things she values more. Weird choice, but a valid one. It isn't hatred, like the individual I described earlier, just indifference.

Maybe this granny was involved in other ways though, outside her home and babysat them all weekend at her dd's house or whatever. Who knows?

I'm so glad that my mother and MIL welcomed my baby with such love, into their hearts and into their homes. (Not that it ever occurred to me that they wouldn't). Even if the child doesn't remember when they grow up, the mother will remember. It would have been a rude shock, as a new mum, to find my little one banned from her grandmother's house. It would effectively have closed the door on me too, at a precious but also vulnerable time in my life. I don't expect them to babysit or take on any responsibility, but I do expect to be welcome in their homes for a visit, along with my child.

People can and will do as they please, and other people can and will react
accordingly.

People can and will do as they please, and other people can and will react
accordingly.

Yes, exactly. People can jump up and down all they like on here, saying "it's her house, her rules. She's within her rights blah blah". Nobody is disputing that. Nobody is going to break into her home with their newborn triplets and stage a sit in on her cream carpet 🤣. But you exercise your rights and I will exercise mine. In this case, yes I do judge a bit. In the case of my former friend I judge a lot. It's my riiiiigggggghhhtttt, my views, my ruuuuuuuuules and so on .

Oh sorry, forgot "she's just being authentic and honest". Well, I authentically and honestly judge her a bit. My views my rules #youdoyouboo etc.

Well, of course you can judge. But all you can do is feel aggrieved and sorry that the friendship is not what you hoped.

I had a friend who showed zero interest in my dc. I asked her to be godmother at first, and she declined, at that point stating that she didn’t want anything to do with dc1. Still I welcomed her dog, even when he did a poo in the sitting room... Fast forward and she had a child who was the Most Interesting Baby in the Entire World, and when she came to visit she complained about my puppy as her toddler didn’t like dogs. Grrrrr. Then I really judged as the hypocrisy had gone too far.

Yes, everyone has their limit really. And someone refusing to let you mention your baby / pregnancy and having a blanket ban on babies entering her home (initiated when you are expecting a baby), are what I would call red flags.

Nobody has to have any interest in their friends' babies. Or their sick parents...or their redundancy or whatever BIG thing is going on in their lives. They can be very up front about this and have blanket bans on the topic etc. But equally, their friends don't have to have them in their lives after they do 🤷‍♀️. Freedom of choice works both ways and I would strongly urge anyone in the OP's position to exercise that choice, as I did with my former friend. It feels great. She was such a negative person in general looking back. I kept her in my life because we had a bond. That disappeared the moment I realised what she was really like.

“Yes, everyone has their limit really. And someone refusing to let you mention your baby / pregnancy and having a blanket ban on babies entering her home (initiated when you are expecting a baby), are what I would call red flags.”

So would I. This is a person with a high level of self-interest to the point of arrogance. To so dismiss and denigrate such a large and present part of someone’s identity and lifestyle is pretty revolting. Yes it’s her choice, so give her it and keep your affection for those who have social skills and an ounce of generosity towards you.

Haven't RTFT but some odd replies on here about how it's her choice, her house, etc given this is the pregnancy forum! I wasn't really interested in kids before I fell but really, your friend is downright batty! There's not really being into kids and being completely weird and unreasonable about not allowing babies in your home! Unless as others have said, she's hiding a secret wish to conceive but can't...

I'd just cut ties with her, it's hard to let people go, but she's just being unreasonable. Even if you travelled there and then stayed in holiday accommodation, you can't even bring the baby round for a visit?! Bonkers.

I agree @BallsToYouSue, I judge like hell. "Who am I to say if someone has an impoverished life?" I'm someone standing outside, looking at their choices, making inferences & doing a good bit of judging. Glad we've cleared that up.

"I don't like depressed people, me, I refuse to have them in the house in case they cry near me and I have to engage with it. I hate Muslims, they can't come over, in case they have to, you know, pray at inconvenient times or won't join me for a drink. I can't bear deaf people, I might have to change the way I communicate. I'm so honest, with such great boundaries."

To be so extreme about others is worthy of judgement.It's all indicative of weird, narrow mindedness.

That's quite an extreme reaction. I wonder if there's more to it - pregnancy loss or infertility?
If not she sounds a bit weird and sounds like your friendship is over tbh.

Just to add, I don't have or want kids, I don't particularly like them in general but I love seeing my friends kids because they are part of my friends !

@Sugarandteaandmum

To be so extreme about others is worthy of judgement.It's indicative of weird, narrow mindedness

You really don't see yourself, do you

At this stage, @Eckhart, I'm deliberately talking in big generalities specifically to irk you. Sorry. That was childish of me and I'll stop baiting.

It worked though didn't it

@Sugarandteaandmum

It worked though didn't it

No, it didn't. If you think a smile is indicative of someone being irked, that would be... unusual. I actually find your opinions amusingly narrow, but obviously didn't put it across very well. Sorry I didn't make it plain enough for you to understand.

Yes, you're right, it was a childish thing to do. Shall we leave it there, or would you like the last word?

I have a friend like this, she has a absolutely horrific fear of vomiting and obviously babies are sick a lot. She doesn’t go near them!

Dump her, not worth wasting your time on this toxic woman. I'd be interested to know if her mum left her as a child to pursue a social life. Maybe her family/social circle behave in a similar way towards children & that's all she knows.