Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

She’s disappointed that you’re pregnant and she’s losing a child free friend and is trying to hold on to that. Having a child is a massive thing going on in your life and if she can’t support you through it or even listen to you talk about the baby then yes the friendship really needs to be over.

Ah, OP, what a shame. Your friend doesn't seem to realise that your baby isn't just "a baby" but is in fact your family member. Not sure how you can get around that tbh.

I can’t see your friendship surviving, you will move on and make friends with who you have much more in common with and can talk open and freely about your baby and visit their houses with no issues

The only person I know who was this extreme had a sudden cot death in the family, and really couldn't cope with children at all.

I had a friend like this. She wasn't quite so explicit and even seemed interested when I was pregnant, but it soon became clear when the baby arrived. Unfortunately the friendship didn't survive. It is like a breakup. Allow yourself to grieve for the relationship.

We’re you planning to stay with her? If so then I can understand why she doesn’t want a baby to stay. I wouldn’t want one staying with me, and I’ve had two. Mine were ok, other people’s babies waking me in the night and throwing up on my sofa? No thanks!

I'd tell her exactly how you feel to give her the chance of clearing up any misunderstanding (eg she might have fertility issues and it's too painful to be around babies).

But otherwise, it's a sad fact that you often lose friends when you have kids. You won't have much else to talk about for a long time, it's hard but becoming a parent rearranges your life quite brutally sometimes.

You never know, a year or two down the line you may be craving a child-free break to hers
I wouldn’t deliberately cut her off but I would feel quite guarded about what I share with her to protect my own feelings.
I did have a couple of child free friends who were quite vocal about disliking children (mine included). The friendships naturally fizzled out and we are just ‘Facebook friends’ now. No big bust up, just lives took different directions - and that’s ok!

I can understand her short messages showing disinterest when you send messages about pregnancy or child related things, as it's clearly not something she has much to say about or is interested in. So she probably doesn't want to keep up conversations on such topics.

However, it's quite extreme to just cancel the possibility of seeing each other until your children are basically old enough to be left at home alone lol. I think she's thinking holidaying with a child will not be fun, but really if you were staying somewhere else and could meet up and use babysitters etc then it wouldn't have much of an effect on her. She's acting irrationally.

You knock her for being honest about how she feels about children. I wouldn’t particularly want someone coming and visiting and bringing a baby with them. It drives me mad that my friend can’t even meet me for lunch without bringing her son.

This seems really odd to me.

Being child free is fine. Not particularly enjoying being around children is understandable. However to not allow any baby in your house at all is bizarre and rather extreme.

Of course it’s her choice as it’s her house. She shouldn’t be surprised if she looses some friendships with that attitude though as I certainly wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone on those terms.

There are so many more reasonable ways she could have managed the situation....
*asking you to find somewhere to stay locally
*suggesting you and her have time on your own away from the baby and your partner to do adult things.
*suggesting baby free meet ups in the future when your child is older.

To try and ignore the existence of you baby to the point of not being responsive when you talk about the pregnancy, not allowing the baby in her house at all etc is not something I would put up with.

I imagine if someone came on here and said they didn’t want old people in their home, or didn’t want disabled people ever in their home the response would be shock. I don’t view this much differently to be honest.

She's not training you, she's living the life that she has chosen and that's not one which involves babies. If she's got her house all furnished and set up for a child free existence then having a baby in the house who is potentially going to be sick and so on then she's not going to want it.

We had a lovely cream carpet in the spare room which had been newly fitted by the previous owners so we kept it, it was far better than any we would buy. We had some visitors with a baby and they put a baby food jar in the bedroom bin but hadn't emptied it properly or put the lid back on. When they left a week later we found that the carpet was mouldy where they had spilt some of the food when they put it in the bin. That was the last time we had people with children over to stay.

@Newmumsummer2021
I was no baby fan as a teen -my friend had one-but a baby you get to know is lovely compared to a generic baby.
Babes in arms are far easier than toddlers.
A toddler can damage stuff if the mum doesn’t rein him or her in.
Banning from house is a bit extreme!?

This is a very shit situation OP and I feel for you. As a PP said it's going to be very hard, even if you did maintain the friendship and booked Air B&Bs for your child and partner etc, for you to never mention children or any of the many surrounding topics. How would you feel if you did all of this and then every time you mentioned anything related to your children this "friend" changed the subject or brushed it off?
The good thing is with new babies I'm sure you will make many new friends that you will be able to share all of this with.

What she's really saying is that she wants to end the friendship.

Fine not to like children, but most people who aren't keen on them at least recognise that they're part of their parent friends' lives. They may not enjoy being bombarded with kiddie photos and information and they may prefer to meet up sans enfants but they don't demand that that the parents "airbrush" out the children's existence whenever they are around them.

Also, having a child is going to be huge part of your life for many years (especially if you want more than one). Children are incredibly time-consuming. Yes, it's poor form always to talk about your children and not let friends without children get a word in edgeways, but equally, do you want to be friends with someone who shows absolutely no interest, even if it's just politeness, in what is going to be a huge aspect of your life and identity?

Time to move on, I think. Save the money you would have spend on visiting and spend it on something nice for your family.

She's made her boundaries clear to you. It's your choice whether or not to continue the friendship, by respecting those boundaries, or to end the friendship.

Nobody has done anything wrong. A fundamental difference between your lifestyles is being highlighted, that's all. Many people would think her boundaries are odd but that's nobody's business but hers. She's done the right thing to communicate them to you and leave the choice up to you. You need to take care of your own boundaries, in the same way she's taking care of hers. Even if that means backing away from the friendship.

@marvinscarpark

She's not training you, she's living the life that she has chosen and that's not one which involves babies. If she's got her house all furnished and set up for a child free existence then having a baby in the house who is potentially going to be sick and so on then she's not going to want it.

We had a lovely cream carpet in the spare room which had been newly fitted by the previous owners so we kept it, it was far better than any we would buy. We had some visitors with a baby and they put a baby food jar in the bedroom bin but hadn't emptied it properly or put the lid back on. When they left a week later we found that the carpet was mouldy where they had spilt some of the food when they put it in the bin. That was the last time we had people with children over to stay.

Biodegradable bin liners! Surely the bin would have had a liner in, even for tissues.

I think you should park this and revisit this question when your baby is here.

I think maybe both you, and she, will feel clearer about things at that point.

Either she will shift her stance to bend a little, or, if not, you will be clearer about whether the friendship has a future or not.

I suspect, like a poster above said, if she wont see your baby once he or she is actually here, you will feel quite clear in your mind that you can no longer be friends.

Some times people are just very odd. Maybe she’s worried about things happening inside her home, if she’s precious about it.

I once took my DS to visit my uncle for a few hours. My uncle has OCD. We live abroad so not very often could we visit. He was a favourite uncle growing up who took myself and siblings out and about whenever we visited my grandparents (much younger sibling to my parent). So of course I thought he loved kids.

He really didn’t want my DS to visit, only agreed if my DS took his shoes off at the door, sat at a stool at the kitchen island and didn’t move, didn’t touch anything, didn’t put his feet in the floor other than walking to/from door to stool.

Needless to say, very short visit and I never visited him at his home again. We have met out to eat since and all was fine, not terribly engaging with my DS but not so anxious as he was when we visited.

She sounds vile, babies don’t stay babies for long and after all your relationship was well established before you got pregnant.
To ban a child in her house is ridiculous.
You don’t need this person in your life

Babies, like old people who are near death, or people with injuries and sickness, are the core of the the messy, biological part of life. Shit and smells and noise and interruption, vulnerability, pain, and the urgent need for others to care for us, feed us - it's our primate heritage.

Culture, cocktails and cream carpets are what we put in place, to try and forget it. But everything is built on babies. Don't trust people who flail around, saying they can't be near babies.

Remember you are mortal.

its an odd one. i'd probably not want a baby staying with me for ages, but would suggets an alternative of you stay in hotel/B&B and we do a day visit.

ie i'd still make it clear we'd meet up with baby in tow, just not in my house if i felt that way. So it would probably only be worth a visit if you had other things to do in the area. Or i'd offer to visit you, and then i could control the trip (length and have my own place to sleep)

but as neither have occurred, i'd just dial back the contact and see what happens. no need to burn bridges now over what could be a miscomminication

Biodegradable bin liners! Surely the bin would have had a liner in, even for tissues.

Yes, it had a plastic bag lining it but they hadn't put it in the bag - I think it must have been an early morning breakfast for the baby when it was dark and they were half asleep (no idea, I didn't tell them as they were very house proud). No such thing as biodegradable bin liners then though.

“what I was suggesting to her was that I visit, stay somewhere else, and find childcare even so we could do things without the baby.

But apparently that wasn't okay “

Then she sounds very odd indeed.... so she wouldn’t even have to clap eyes on the baby but still said no....

I havent seen my childhood best friend since DS was about 5 months old.

When I got pregnant she just started cutting me out of he life and after he was born I was constantly chasing her to spend time together. I would even get family to babysit so we could have girl time and she woulde ditch out and leave me in under 10 minutes and I got sick of trying, once I stopped phoning and trying to organise things I litrally never heard from her.

Its over a decade later and shes a distant memory, I got a text last year from her saying she held a door for me at the shops and DS got big (of course he was practically a teen), I clearly hadnt even recognised her and that one text is the only contact in 12 years.

Friends come and go but dont cling to ones that no longer fit in your life especially when its by their own choice.