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Original poster

Best friend won't have my baby in the house

258 replies

Newmumsummer2021 · 16/02/2021 12:00

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmumsummer2021 · 16/02/2021 12:33

@anotherlongwalk no, what I was suggesting to her was that I visit, stay somewhere else, and find childcare even so we could do things without the baby.

But apparently that wasn't okay or acceptable for her and I was to have the baby not around at all, period. Which as we want more kids + breastfeeding means I'd not be visiting for at least 6 years.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 16/02/2021 12:33

Ugh, she's one of those people who have made "childfree by choice" their whole identity. There are communities of them online where they sneer at parents, especially mothers, call them "brood mares" etc. I won't repeat what they call small children.

She's behaving appallingly and needs to grow the fuck up. In the meantime, I doubt your friendship with her is viable unless you're prepared to pander to rude, weird behaviour.

2BDIs · 16/02/2021 12:34

She may suggest she doesn't like children to avoid admitting she is struggling to conceive. I know people who have done it and have done it myself at one point. It's just easier to put that block up and not have others happy families foisted on you. It also avoid all the sympathetic nodding and pointless comments, just keep trying it'll happen one day, some people are just not meant to be parents etc. All very unsympathetic really
Don't just assume that what she says is true she may be really struggling. Even if she isn't, ultimately it is her house and she can invite or barr anyone she closes.

Thebizz · 16/02/2021 12:36

I don’t think it was a great idea to visit a friend in another country for a week with a baby anyway. Not relaxing or fun for you or her, I wouldn’t have thought. And she’s a bit dramatic saying no babies in the house. I would just leave the friendship now.

harridan50 · 16/02/2021 12:37

I guess up to now you say you have never been to visit her so she has always travelled to you why has this been

AlternativePerspective · 16/02/2021 12:37

Oh come on, why should the OP pander to this stupid woman?

It’s one thing to not particularly like babies, to even not want them staying overnight, it’s even perfectly understandable that she might want them to get together without babies in toe some of the time.

But to say that she (and her husband) won’t even allow a baby over the threshold is a whole other level.

I wouldn’t phase her out. I would just ghost her. There’s nothing polite you can say to someone like that, so it’s best not to say anything at all. Ever again.

Nomaj · 16/02/2021 12:38

Another, though probably way off the mark, thought is, there may be another reason for this.

Some people are banned from having contact with children following certain offences. I know that’s maybe unlikely but it’s certainly a possibility. Maybe it’s her partner rather than her. But I imagine it would be easier to say “I hate kids so much they can’t come in my house” than it is to say “my partner has committed a horrible crime and his probation means he can’t have any contact with people under 18”

Do you know anything about him?

CuntYoureFired · 16/02/2021 12:38

[quote Newmumsummer2021]@anotherlongwalk no, what I was suggesting to her was that I visit, stay somewhere else, and find childcare even so we could do things without the baby.

But apparently that wasn't okay or acceptable for her and I was to have the baby not around at all, period. Which as we want more kids + breastfeeding means I'd not be visiting for at least 6 years. [/quote]
Huh? So now the baby is not only not allowed in her house but not allowed in the country either?! Or have I read that wrong?! She wouldn’t even see the baby and it’s not allowed to be with childcare in her vicinity?

She sounds literally deranged.

alfieum · 16/02/2021 12:38

She sounds mad and controlling and self centered. I had a few friends that ditched me once I got pregnant. You will find new friends, even though it is hard on your heart when someone acts like this.

anotherlongwalk · 16/02/2021 12:39

@giletrouge that has got to be the most ridiculous comparison I've see on MN in a long time. You can't compare someone not liking babies to being the same as discrimination against Londoners/people with read hair/musicians as all of these sets of people are not the completely dependable sidekick of another adult. A person who doesn't like babies would want a Londoner/ red haired or even a genius musician baby tagging along either!

WhateverJudy · 16/02/2021 12:39

She sounds really nasty. It's as if she's angry with you because you're betraying her somehow by having a baby. I couldn't be friends with someone who was so self-absorbed that our friendship had to be all about her and her choices, with no room for what my life actually is. Sounds like she only wants you as her friend on her terms and that's not real friendship.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/02/2021 12:40

The unusual thing about this is that it is a very black and white view. No baby allowed anywhere near her. How does she manage working, other friendships/family or even just being out and about where there may be children? It seems almost like a phobia.

crystalcherry87 · 16/02/2021 12:41

She sounds a bitch. You have a baby and that's a huge part of your life now. If she can't accept that, then she can't accept you. Not everyone likes babies but to treat you like this over your own baby is just plain nasty.

anotherlongwalk · 16/02/2021 12:41

In that case OP, she's basically ending the friendship in a very ungracious way. It's not nice for you but time to leave her to it and move on. Sorry she's not just being honest with you.

ElderMillennial · 16/02/2021 12:44

I think it does sound like she has strong feelings about this and she might have her reasons but he is allowed to feel this way and has been honest with you so it's up to you what you do next.

ooohbriefcase · 16/02/2021 12:45

@giletrouge "It's a whole class of people, children. How would people react if she said she didn't like Londoners or red-haired people or musicians and would never allow one in her house?"

What? 😂

MsMarch · 16/02/2021 12:45

I actually have some sympathy with her. A friend visiting for a week with a baby is not, in any way, the sort of visit/trip that you would have done before and if she's not interested in babies, then I can see how she feels. And I don't actually blame her for saying she doesn't want to spend a week with you and the baby.

Having said that, having a baby is a huge part of your life. If she can't or won't accommodate that, then it may well be that this friendship has run its course.

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2021 12:46

Refusing to have your baby in the house might seem a little OTT, but tbh, I empathise a little. I like my friends but not necessarily their kids. I’d have to baby proof the place, move the dogs’ bowls etc, scrutinise the garden for poo etc.

I posted on here some years ago about friends who always assumed their dc were invited to dinner parties. It drove me a bit nuts. I had no interest in their dc. I probably sound like a right cow, but I decided not to have dc and I don’t really want to have a conversation about their latest achievements or have a visit dominated by the children. I love my friends, not necessarily their dc.

TheProvincialLady · 16/02/2021 12:46

I couldn’t be friends with someone as monumentally rude abs selfish as that, whatever her ‘reason’. It’s over. Any contact you maintain with her from now on is like grovelling under her shitty shoe.

HoppingPavlova · 16/02/2021 12:47

Call it a day.

2bazookas · 16/02/2021 12:47

You might consider that for some people, being childless (or the loss of a child) is such a painful tragedy they just can't talk about it.. They may pretend to be childfree by choice when the exact opposite is true. They never tell friends about the MC's or fullterm stillbirth. They avoid social contact with babies in arms because it's too painful.

   I've known women like that.  Tread carefully.  How a woman copes with  childlessness is not always what she tells the world.
SilverBirchWithout · 16/02/2021 12:48

I think she could have been much more tactful.

However some people don’t like babies/children, and friendships where one person doesn’t have children and the other does usually change. Babies dominate the interactions and are really irritating for the person without one.
I think you both need to respect each other’s needs more, I can’t see how visiting with a child in another country would work.

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 16/02/2021 12:48

@Nomaj

Another, though probably way off the mark, thought is, there may be another reason for this.

Some people are banned from having contact with children following certain offences. I know that’s maybe unlikely but it’s certainly a possibility. Maybe it’s her partner rather than her. But I imagine it would be easier to say “I hate kids so much they can’t come in my house” than it is to say “my partner has committed a horrible crime and his probation means he can’t have any contact with people under 18”

Do you know anything about him?

The only person I know who reacted like this to the idea of bringing a child to her house turned out to be living with a registered sex offender who wasn't allowed to have under 16s in the house, as we all discovered when he was arrested for breaching his conditions.
tara66 · 16/02/2021 12:51

She has told you clearly how it is - no point in pursuing that relationship at all it would seem.

applesandoranges221 · 16/02/2021 12:53

This baffles me - I am childfree by choice (have never wanted them) but I have a host of adopted nieces and nephews and can't imagine banning children from my house just because I don't want them personally!!

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