Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

Of course it is a form of discrimination. Just one that people accept because young babies require empathy and patience, personally a friend lacking an interest in a huge part of my life to the point of refusing to accept that could get to fuck.

She sounds a bit weird but its her choice to not want to have babies/children visiting her.

There’s no law that says you must be bosom buddies forever so maybe this friendship has reached its natural conclusion now that your lives have diverged so far apart.

Maybe focus on making new/better friendships where you live, once out of lockdown and keep this one as a social media friendship only?

Hmmm. What your friend says is the kind of thing I'd think. I'm emetaphobic and really dislike other people's kids.

Despite having my own. I can just about deal with my own but not going there with others. I realise this makes me crackers but hey.

Could this be the same for her ?

@VettiyaIruken

She's allowed to not be interested in kids. She's allowed to choose who comes into her house.

And you're allowed to decide whether it's a friendship you're interested in maintaining. If it's not, then don't visit. Or at least postpone visiting until you're able to leave your child at home.

This.

I’ll be completely honest, I wouldn’t be overly thrilled with a friend visiting for a week with a small baby. For my best friend I would suck it up and accept it wouldn’t be overly restful/ fun/ adult, but I do like (and have my own) kids!

I think the fact she didn’t counter offer along the lines of “how about I visit you and stay in a hotel to give me space from baby?” means that she’s distancing herself. She doesn’t sound very nice tbh!

@Newmumsummer2021 Right now, your baby is the most exciting/important thing to you. At some point, you're going to be desperate for a break and some adult conversation.

The thing about a really good friendship is that you can put it down and pick it up years later without anything changing. It sounds like neither of you is going to be investing much time in each other over the next few years, as your lifestyles aren't going to be compatible. That doesn't mean that you can't be close again in the future.

Pull away now, share your mum news with other mums, but don't feel sad about losing a friendship. You're just putting it on hold for a bit. A few years is nothing in the grand scheme of life.

The friendship is over. Your lives are too different for her. People childless by choice generally have little in common with people with children

I had a friend like this - was awful about kids til l had one, she then decided she would have one after all and her kid is the most spoilt little thing that ever walked the earth!!
But seriously, l would take a big step back from this friendship, sad but your new baby will keep you too busy to care and your outlook will change

[quote Newmumsummer2021]@anotherlongwalk no, what I was suggesting to her was that I visit, stay somewhere else, and find childcare even so we could do things without the baby.

But apparently that wasn't okay or acceptable for her and I was to have the baby not around at all, period. Which as we want more kids + breastfeeding means I'd not be visiting for at least 6 years. [/quote]
That’s insane that she thinks you’d even consider this.

A bit different but when DC1 was a baby we were invited to spend the weekend with some old friends which we accepted. He then called a second time to say, ‘Oh, I meant to say you can bring the baby if you want.’ I mean WTF? I think they were pre kids and simply didn’t get that once you have DC, on the whole, where you go so do they.

This isn’t going to work. I do have one very old friend who was sadly unable to conceive and we drifted apart for the years of our DC childhood but since reconnected and see one another occasionally.

Just to be totally clear, she wants you to visit but leave the baby in another country?

It’s fine for her to not want stay with the baby. It’s (sort of) fine to want to meet up without the baby. Wanting you to not take the baby away with you is bonkers.

She sounds nuts to me, but if you want to continue with the friendship delay the visit until the baby is older and go alone.

She has not been tactful. But she has been honest. I do think it's her home so her choice.

Your friendship has run its course. It happens.

A strong friendship evolves - when things change in life, good friends adjust and understand that while the crazy nights out etc have to be put on hold, there are other ways to enjoy the friendship. If a friendship can't withstand that and adjust accordingly, it was never a good friendship to begin with.

This sounds very weird...the saving grace here is that she lives in another country. It's not as if she lives in the same street or even town as you.

I would just allow this 'friendship' to fizzle out. Once you have had the baby, you will have little time to think about her.

Allow your life to move on without her playing a large, or any part in it.

There will be other friends, especially amongst new parents.

Good luck!

sounds very ott from her-i dont like children much dont want any but my best friend had a child i was pleased for her and visited often to say you cant ever have a child in her vicinity is mad

how long have you known her

This sounds very weird...the saving grace here is that she lives in another country. It's not as if she lives in the same street or even town as you.

I don’t agree-if they were in the same country it would be much easier to meet in a low key way (potentially without the baby) rather than this intense having to travel abroad for a week.

She might feel differently once baby is here, also you may be very happy when the baby is older to get a break from your dc😛

Sorry OP, I can see her point of view. I am childfree. by choice, and have zero interest in babies and children. They smell, cry, make a mess and personally I don't like to be around them. It's a shame that your friendship looks doomed - perhaps when the child is older, you might be able to meet up without it?

God, MN is full of people with awful friends this morning! How sad to have a much wanted pregnancy only to find that that unexpectedly puts you beyond some strange red line in your best friend's head. Extraordinary behaviour. OP.

It's probably (concealed) infertility or severe emetophobia. Emetophobes are often uncomfortable around babies because they spit up unexpectedly or they might be afraid of catching something. I used to be very edgy around babies and always assumed babies/toddlers/young kids would be sick at the drop of a hat and infect everything around them with norovirus. It's not a far jump to imagine a more severe sufferer not wanting babies or kids in their house.

That would also explain why she's childfree by choice. Many emetophobes are terrified of pregnancy (morning sickness etc) and the messiness of cleaning up after kids. They may actually want kids but are trapped by their own fear so it's a very complex issue. It's not the same as someone deciding they are happily childfree and aren't at all bothered by other people's children. For emetophobes, seeing other mums also triggers a lot of jealousy and confusion based on that fact that all other women can deal with vomit but your are trapped in your own hell of being afraid to even hold a baby for a few minutes.

@PurpleDaisies

This sounds very weird...the saving grace here is that she lives in another country. It's not as if she lives in the same street or even town as you.

I don’t agree-if they were in the same country it would be much easier to meet in a low key way (potentially without the baby) rather than this intense having to travel abroad for a week.

Yes. That's a good point.

People childless by choice generally have little in common with people with children

I can't get on board with that. I really enjoy having childfree friends in my life where I know for sure that what we do together will not involve children or talking about children. I'm still interested in all the things I used to be interested in when I first made friends with them: work, careers, their dating life, politics, museums, books, food, music. Our friendship did have to go into a bit of a holding pattern wrt actually seeing each other when my babies were tiny, but it didn't end or even pause completely.

I'd ditch her. It's fine being childfree or whatever you want to call it but people like your friend and the poster who said They smell, cry, make a mess and personally I don't like to be around them are a no from me. They are clearly lacking in something, you wouldn't talk about any other group like this, it always screams insecure and unstable to me, you don't need their drama in your life.

I think she's not to subtly telling you that the friendship is over. She doesn't want you even mentioning the child which is ridiculous quite frankly. Whilst she is telling you she's child free by choice, what you are describing is someone who is more like to have either gone through some kind of trauma to explain her attitude or perhaps very early menopause and doesn't want people knowing