Best friend won't have my baby in the house

[Newmumsummer2021]

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

Ditch her.

I'm childfree by choice. No, not infertile, I don't secretly yearn for children, I don't have a phobia, I just don't want to have any. I'm not really interested in babies as they have zero conversation skills and make horrible noise and smells which, as an autistic woman with severe sensory issues, is intolerable. I would not allow a baby in my house for these reasons.

However, I certainly don't hate children, once they get old enough to talk with, I'm fine with that. I once spent two hours in a jungle jim with two of my nephews, way after their parents had given up and retired to chairs for tea. 🤣

There's no reason to end the friendship, just accept that not everyone loves babies. Keep in contact cuz one day, you will jump at the chance to dump your kid with granny and go to hers for fun adult time.

Just because she does not like/want children doesn't give her a right to be rude though does it? That's the issue isn't it, her vile behaviour towards the op because she has a child. I have a friends who don't have kids, I met them separately (pre covid) & we had fun. They asked about my kids, passed on gifts & conversation moved on to other topics. They are distant but polite and this is the difference between my friends & the Op's friend. There is no need to be vile & nasty about people's lifestyle choices.

There is a vast difference between "not loving babies" and behaving like a big baby yourself, banning all babies from your house and banning any mention of pregnancy in your presence 🙄. Grow up dickhead (to OP's friend). Of course everyone knows and accepts that. It shouldn't even need to be said! But most people can behave like normal and decent adults. The OP's friend is not most people.

Of course everyone knows and accepts that...not everyone is a baby person.

Honestly, people complain that parents want the world to revolve around them and their babies. But the same can be said for a number of childfree by choice people who seem to want to pretend babies don't exist because they don't want to have any themselves.

And yes, yes, it's their right and they're being authentic yada yada. Well, I have the right to judge them as I see fit and I honestly think people who carry on like this are extremely rude and self centred. Not because the world has to stop for every baby, but because when your best friend has a baby, it is common decency to at least acknowledge it without pursing your lips in distaste.

We don't know what her circumstances are for sure - as others have said, this is an incredibly emotive issue and one women find very hard to talk about properly with each other whatever their situation - partly because we all internalise society's narratives on what it means to have children, not have children etc. So there are all sorts of complex emotions involved.

I'm with those who say she may at some level want children or feel bad in some way for not having them and that her response stems from pain and self protection. It's quite an extreme reaction otherwise. I've been there, I haven't been able to have kids and I still find it incredibly hard to see my friends as mothers with their children sometimes ... and my friends started having kids years ago. I did distance myself from some of them - also partly as I'd have spent my entire social life in the equivalent of a baby and toddler group at one stage if I hadn't. Self protection can just be necessary and if it is the case then you probably have to be gracious as you're the one with what you wanted whereas she isn't and that will be really painful for her, even if it's not your fault. Sometimes we can't be the person someone else needs, in fact we can be quite the opposite even if it's totally unintentional - and we have to accept that and give it time. I found the same with some single friends when I announced I was getting married at a relatively late age - some reactions weren't always what I wanted but I understood as I'd been there a million times myself. I was in the better position so it was up to me to be gracious and accept their understandable feelings.

Whatever the situation it is a huge adjustment for everyone around someone when they have a baby. I think it would be helpful if that was acknowledged more. It's all the more so when it's not something that's happened to you. We all like to think we'd react in a certain way but we can never tell until we're in a situation ourselves.

However, if she genuinely doesn't like babies so much that she won't allow you to bring your child for that reason then that is just odd and not friendly behaviour at all and you should reconsider how much of a friend she is. She might change over time, depends how long you're prepared to give it. Other people's babies and children can suck the life and attention out of every situation but if you care about a friend you'll put up with that sometimes for the sake of the friendship and possibly even to build a relationship with your friend's kids.

I hope things do change between you and she will allow you to visit with the baby. If she's coming from a place of hurt, please be gentle - it really is devastating not to be able to have children and watch it happen for everyone around you and most people don't behave as they might hope they would/as society wishes they would when in that situation.
If she's just being weird, you'll have to see how long you can wait for her to accept your situation.

How would she feel if you veto’d even mentioning the most important thing in her life?

I get not wanting kids, thats someones choice. I get being annoyed at kids being disruptive at social occasions, but.. how can you dislike everything about them? And banning kids from your house?! F*ing weird. We were all kids once, they're not an alien species