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Original poster

Best friend won't have my baby in the house

258 replies

Newmumsummer2021 · 16/02/2021 12:00

Has anyone else had a close friend pull away since being pregnant?

My closest friend and I live in different countries. We only see each other every year or two but message every day. She's childfree by choice and doesn't like kids.

I mentioned maybe coming to visit when I can post covid as I've never visited her. This would mean bringing my new baby. I was told her and her partner don't allow babies in the house, that she doesn't like being in the room with them at all, that she's really uncomfortable around babies and they just scream and vomit all the time. If I visited it would have to be without the baby. The baby isn't even to enter the threshold of their house.

Obviously for what would need to be a multi day trip... that's not happening.

I told her this upset me and made me feel rejected. She didn't see why and said she knew her stance on kids hadn't changed. I don't expect her to adore my baby but I would expect a level of at least being in the same room if I was making the effort to visit and spend time with her. If she'd made a tactful request when it was relevant that I stayed in a B&B, okay, but this felt OTT and unnecessary.

I feel like she's pulling away and "training" me - if I message about anything baby or pregnancy related she does the minimal reply needed and it's clear she's not interested and doesn't engage.

I feel so awkward and incredibly sad, like I'm going through a difficult break up. If this is now when I'm 5 months pregnant, is it worth me even continuing to make an effort?

Just wondering if anyone else has had anything remotely similar in their current pregnancy or past pregnancies. How did you deal with it? Did the friendship survive?

Hope this is the right place to post, it was here or AIBU and I thought here would be gentler on me 😆

OP posts:
Eckhart · 16/02/2021 14:38

@Sugarandteaandmum

Don't trust people who flail around, saying they can't be near babies

What a ridiculous basis for judgment. If somebody doesn't want to be around babies, how does that correlate to not being trustworthy?

Mrsmadevans · 16/02/2021 14:42

@JackieWeaversAuthorityHere

Are you absolutely sure she's childless by choice? I used to say for years i didnt want children and the reality was it was ALL i wanted, but couldnt admit it to others, even my closest friends because i couldn't have them.

It's extremely common for this to be the case and would be very very odd behavior from her if she just didn't like kids.. no one hates children that much that they wont allow a baby across the threshold. However, I remember reacting in a similar way when a friend had a baby and turned up one day, i was taken aback and told her to leave Sad.

Even though you've been through IVF etc, it doesnt mean she'd therefore magically feel comfortable sharing her own experiences.

I might be way off the mark, but I think you need to be mindful and open to the idea that she's distancing herself to protect herself, and that's ok.

I did this for years because l couldnt get pregnant , l just didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me but in truth l was desperate!
AIMD · 16/02/2021 14:44

@Sugarandteaandmum

Babies, like old people who are near death, or people with injuries and sickness, are the core of the the messy, biological part of life. Shit and smells and noise and interruption, vulnerability, pain, and the urgent need for others to care for us, feed us - it's our primate heritage.

Culture, cocktails and cream carpets are what we put in place, to try and forget it. But everything is built on babies. Don't trust people who flail around, saying they can't be near babies.

Remember you are mortal.

Excellent
ktp100 · 16/02/2021 14:45

It's her choice, although she's being ridiculously stringent about it, she's not allergic to babies, FFS!

It's a difficult one because most women are changed by pregnancy and motherhood and it does tend to take over your life. It's such a wonderful time and it does dominate quite a lot, which can spill over into friendships, conversation wise.

If she's so 'anti' that she's not even asking how you are in the pregnancy then she's a shit friend, IMO. If she's going to continue to demand that any talk of your pregnancy, then child, is off the table then the friendship is doomed, really. Not your fault but it is what it is.

I certainly wouldn't be visiting her and leaving my baby behind. If she complains about that then I'd just tell her that no new Mother leaves their baby for a jolly weekend away with friends, especially when it's so unnecessary to do so. It would be so easy to take your baby with you but she's vetoed that. She doesn't care about inconveniencing you at all.

I'd say if she wants to see you she can visit and if she's not happy to come into your home with your baby there she can stay in a hotel and you can meet her for lunch or coffee but that's it. You're about to be a Mum, your baby takes precedence.

Friendships do come and go in life. It might be time for this one to phase out, OP. If not, you stick up for yourself.

Happymum12345 · 16/02/2021 14:47

I had a very close friend who said I couldn’t bring my week old baby to her wedding. I had just had a c section and hobbled in on my own whilst my dh sat in the car with the baby. I’m no longer friends with her. If she is really this against babies, she won’t have too many friends at all. It’s funny what brings out the true colours of some people.

Floralchicken · 16/02/2021 14:47

It could be that she doesn’t like babies/children (not everyone does).

Or she could have fertility problems so setting up a barrier like this protects her feelings.

Or it could be something as serious that her or her partner are on the second offenders register so can’t have kids in the home.

I had a friend who loves travelling, then met her boyfriend who was on the register for a crime committed in his late teens and she developed a fear of them getting questioned on planes so told everyone she had developed a fear of flying so had to car/boat to holiday destinations. Confused

pictish · 16/02/2021 14:48

The fact is, she’s not willing to accommodate something that is intrinsic to you, into your friendship together. I can understand not being fond of kids and choosing to be child free but I can’t get on board with banning your baby from her house. That’s extreme and in terms of a close friendship, very callous.
Your friendship as you knew it is over. She’s no use to you now, the stupid cow.

Branleuse · 16/02/2021 14:48

i would say shes not very keen to see you. Could you leave it till baby is old enough to be left with its dad

TatianaBis · 16/02/2021 14:49

@Sugarandteaandmum

But everything is built on babies. Don't trust people who flail around, saying they can't be near babies.

Don't trust women who are so narrow-minded as not to see a horizon beyond babies. Whose entire self-identity is focused on motherhood evidenced by their username.

TatianaBis · 16/02/2021 14:50

@Sugarandteaandmum

But everything is built on babies. Don't trust people who flail around, saying they can't be near babies.

Don't trust women who are so narrow-minded as not to see a horizon beyond babies. Whose entire self-identity is focused on motherhood evidenced by their username.

pictish · 16/02/2021 14:51

SORRY TO SHOUT BUT THE OP HAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT HER FRIEND HAS ALWAYS FELT THIS WAY ABOUT CHILDREN.

You’ll have to take her word for it I’m afraid. No point pontificating fertility issues or a sex offender husband. The OP says not...and she would know.

Nonamesavail · 16/02/2021 14:53

@HollowTalk

She sounds a bit unhinged, tbh. Why would you go to visit her when she talks like that about your baby?
I agree. I would probably start cutting ties
renallychallenged · 16/02/2021 14:54

Your friendship is over. Sad but true.

StarsonaString · 16/02/2021 14:54

Some people on this thread are going way OTT saying she must be a bitch etc. She is allowed not to want babies in her home for various reasons.

I am childfree by choice. I quite like children in small doses and will happily chat to my parent friends about their kids. I wouldn't however want someone to visit me for a week with a baby! My house is not child friendly and I have no interest in waking through the night to crying. Babes in arms would be welcome for daytime visits but once they are mobile, I wouldn't want a child in the house until they were big enough to be trusted to amuse themselves non-destructively.

ElspethFlashman · 16/02/2021 14:54

Well whatever you do, don't send her a photo of your newborn.

You'd get fuck all back.

I got a pic of a newborn today from a friend and it wasn't even her baby, it was her cousins who I haven't seen in years. In other words, I have zero interest, really. But I responded "Oh so precious! 😍" because it's a social norm and it costs me nothing.

You won't even get that much, OP.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 16/02/2021 14:56

It's certainly not normal but that is who your friend is - she really doesn't like babies and doesn't want them anywhere near her. You have to either accept her as she is or end the friendship. Trying to force her to change who she is will most likely not work.

I have one friend who has the same stance. She has OCD and likes things to be very clean. When I got pregnant she told me my life was ruined and I should get an abortion. We are friends with very low contact these days. I always knew she hated children despite her job as a teacher! Now my child is older, she has started to ask about her and is showing some interest in her education.

AgeLikeWine · 16/02/2021 15:04

I’m child free by choice.

When my friends had babies, they were absolutely welcome in my house, and welcome to stay with me. I was genuinely happy for them that they had the family they wanted.

They completely understood that no, I didn’t want to hold the baby, and no I didn’t want to feed it, and no I wasn’t going to coo and gush over it, but I still wanted to see my friends and baby came as part of the package.

Your friend’s reaction seems a bit extreme, OP. Maybe there is something she isn’t telling you about why she doesn’t have children.

ktp100 · 16/02/2021 15:07

Hadn't thought about the fact she could be deflecting because she's struggling to conceive - may be worth thinking about and if you are going to back off the friendship maybe do it kindly, if poss?

I can understand why people would do it, it must be so painful to see friends and family getting the one thing you're desperate for and not want to admit it.

Dongdingdong · 16/02/2021 15:09

I had a very close friend who said I couldn’t bring my week old baby to her wedding. I had just had a c section and hobbled in on my own whilst my dh sat in the car with the baby.

To be fair, I wouldn't want a screaming baby at my wedding that I'd paid thousands of pounds for either.

That's different from the scenario the OP is describing though - I'm not a fan of children but would never tell a friend that their baby isn't allowed in my house. Very strange behaviour.

Xerochrysum · 16/02/2021 15:10

I think there's nothing wrong in not wanting baby/children in the house if she hates them. House must be totally child unfriendly etc. why does she need to make changes to accommodate someone she is totally uninterested? It's not just going to be you holding the baby while catching up, the baby cries, need changing, need feeding, etc, etc.

Eckhart · 16/02/2021 15:12

@renallychallenged

Your friendship is over. Sad but true.
No, it isn't. Friend has stated her boundaries, and OP will decide how to respond. She can choose that the friendship is over, but that's up to her. Not you.
SirenSays · 16/02/2021 15:14

I can see your friends perspective tbh. I don't particularly like kids and my house is not child friendly, meaning I have to have a mad dash round baby proofing.
My SIL always insists on bringing the child, and not wanting to be rude (or seen as an untrustworthy woman or unhinged as some have politely put it here) I allow it. Which means Ive had to scrub milk out of my furniture, lock my poor dog away because they won't stop child pulling at him, my carpet is permanently stained with baby food, the child is only changed once an entire room is stinking to high heaven... I could go on.
I'd see this as more of a blessing, when you want a break from parenting, you have the perfect place to go.

Pancakeorcrepe · 16/02/2021 15:20

I like children but wouldn't want someone staying over with the baby. She will barely get to catch-up with you because you'll be fussing over the baby (which is normal). You will have a lovely time because you'll feel all refreshed from having a change of scenery for a week but she will be exhausted. Also a pain in the back to make all the adjustments,baby proofing, make sure she has the right equipment, etc. I think it is selfish to impose yourself with a baby with a friend who doesn't have children herself. Save stayovers for family or friends who also have children.

Shetoshe · 16/02/2021 15:23

She sounds like a complete dick. I was never into babies/small DC before I had mine but that didn't mean I was an arsehole to my friend's children. Rude, oddball behaviour.

I would cut her off TBH OP, on the practical side that should be easy as you live in different countries, but I appreciate emotionally it can be tough to walk away from longstanding friendships - it's almost always worth it though!

StressedTired · 16/02/2021 15:24

I don't have babies and small children to stay in my home, they are messy and break things! However I happily visit them in their own home or meet elsewhere, and I would never phrase it as harshly as you've said she did. If you value her as a friend then accept her uncomfortableness around kids and meet her without your baby, otherwise accept your lives are moving in different directions.

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