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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Bitter friends

223 replies

SydneyRose · 06/10/2020 18:40

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

OP posts:
Coldwinterahead1 · 06/10/2020 18:42

Your friends are grieving for what they don’t have. Give them time

Suzi888 · 06/10/2020 18:46

@Coldwinterahead1

Your friends are grieving for what they don’t have. Give them time
^^ agree with this. For some people it’s far too painful, they may need time or they may not want to re-connect at all.
Ragdoll27 · 06/10/2020 18:53

I don't think you sound very caring towards your friends calling them "bitter" in your title.
I think it would have been kinder for you to let them know privately. I don't think there is such thing as a coy understated announcement on Facebook!

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/10/2020 18:58

Honestly, I think you were tactless. It would have been far kinder to let them know individually rather than a public post if you knew they were struggling. Describing them as bitter isn't nice either.

sakuramiyagi · 06/10/2020 18:59

I agree with @Ragdoll27. I think it would have been much kinder to tell your friends in a phone call, considering you knew their struggles.

I'm not saying people shouldn't post announcements on Social media. But I do think it was unfair to blindside them in the way you did.

SunnySideUp2020 · 06/10/2020 19:00

@SydneyRose

Unfortunately your happy news is not everybody's happy news... and with fertility issues can actually turn into a nightmare.
That being said, ghosting you altogether is a bit harsh. I guess give them some time or you can message them and just be straightforward about it as you are all adults and you are obviously aware of the fertility challenges they are facing.
But similarly if they are your good friends they should be able to be a tiny bit happy for you. Even if it comes with some bitterness.
You could say omething kind and compassionate about how you are aware of their struggle and tried not to put it in their face but obviously can't remain a big secret. But that you hope your friendship won't be affected as you care but you understand if they need time, etc...
I don't know something along those lines.

I am sure when their day comes to become pregnant they will be happy that they didn't lose you as a friend because of this.

But i feel your pain. It's a tough one.

JustDavesWife · 06/10/2020 19:00

Ok so I've been on both sides, I struggled to get pregnant with both of my kids (it took 3 years and then 4 years) and I would have found your news so so hard to hear but what would have made it harder was you announcing it on social media without telling me first and giving me some warning. I wouldn't have cared how coy or cute or understated your announcement was it would have been in my face at a time when I least expected it. I think you should have text them first and let them know.. I also wouldn't call them bitter if I were you because that hurts.

Wishing you lots of luck with your pregnancy.

porger80 · 06/10/2020 19:00

Have a little wander over to the Infertility board and really try to read as much as you can. You will read devastating stories of loss and pain and this may give you an insight into what some people go through. I think you should understand that some people cannot (even if they want to) be happy with pregnancy announcements. Be kind, you have (luckily) not had to endure what they have.

Zara1234uk · 06/10/2020 19:01

My sister announced her “surprise” or in her words “accident” pregnancy while me and my partner were going through a round of fertility treatment. It hurt like you wouldn’t believe and we’re the absolute best of friends ,but I was totally unable to hide how upset I was and avoided her for weeks. I feel terrible about it now at 35 weeks pregnant but at the time I was devastated and just felt how unfair it all was. They probably don’t mean to be off with you but truly it can really hurt when someone you know gets what you so desire. I’m sure they will come around eventually, I hope you have a lovely pregnancy, congratulations.

seven201 · 06/10/2020 19:02

I'm in your friends position. It's like being kicked in the guts opening Facebook and seeing yet another pregnancy announcement. I don't generally post a congratulations unless it's a very close friend. Although all my close friends send me a heads up first. Then I spend a few hours ugly crying by myself before sending a suitable congrats message. You say you understand, but you really don't. Just give them time and whatever you do don't bang on about how much you hate morning sickness etc.!

EmilySpinach · 06/10/2020 19:06

They found out from seeing a bump pic on your social media? Sorry but you badly misjudged that. You should have told them privately and given them time to process it.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2020 19:09

Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response.

I’m itching to know what these said.

If you’d posted on here asking for advice on how to sensitively tell your friends, you would have been told spotting it on social media is a crappy way to find out when you’re struggling yourself. You claim to care about your friends but referring to them as “bitter” betrays your true feelings.

BitGutted · 06/10/2020 19:10

I had this and announced my pregnancy and some friends of ours were a bit off with us but don't let them spoil your news
It's unfortunate they're in that position and I feel for people

However

As friends they should be happy for you and win your news Smile

Pollypocket89 · 06/10/2020 19:10

Bitter sounds very harsh in your title and op

omg35 · 06/10/2020 19:11

Sorry but I don't think you dealt with this at all well. You should have told them before putting anything on social media and however lovely you think your messages were they were probably misjudged too. They're not bitter, they're hurting and feeling it's unfair they're not in your position. Try and be a bit more tactful

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2020 19:11

I agree with @Ragdoll27. I think it would have been much kinder to tell your friends in a phone call, considering you knew their struggles.

I know this isn’t what the thread’s about, but please don’t phone. Text is absolutely what the majority of people in the friends’ position want.

peachypetite · 06/10/2020 19:12

I think you handled that badly. They would probably have appreciated a message rather than logging on to social media and seeing your announcement there.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2020 19:12

As friends they should be happy for you and win your news

Don’t you think they want that? Who wants to felt upset at happy news? You can’t help it.

As others have said, they are unhappy for themselves.

FelicityPike · 06/10/2020 19:13

You’re not much of a friend @SydneyRose.
I think you need to look in before looking out.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2020 19:15

I obviously understand their pain and bitterness
No you don’t.

Attictroll · 06/10/2020 19:15

I have friends who don't use social to avoid such unexpected surprises. In my struggle with infertility I could be feeling I was having an OK and any announcement subtle or otherwise would have me in a deep depression again. Only one ailment (cancer) has a higher rate of depression associated with it.
Infertility is life destroying at times. I had friends who called to announce their pregnancies and better than face to face I could have a little cry before dealing with the outside world again- not a surprise on social.
Good news though is that once babies where here I was absolutely fine and engaged fully as a friend.

gypsywater · 06/10/2020 19:15

"Bitter" - lovely....

iloveyoubutilovememore · 06/10/2020 19:16

It’s a tough one. I agree with above comments regarding how you’ve handled it. They are going to be sensitive so really you should’ve told them before privately. That being said, ignoring you isn’t very nice. If I were you I would speak to them on the phone and apologise for not telling them sooner, just that you didn’t want to upset them by flaunting your news whilst they had to deal with their sadness. Just be honest. X

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/10/2020 19:19

They're not bitter, they are hurting. Or maybe the haven't seen your announcement on social media. Or maybe your post was so coyConfused that they thought you were just showing folk how much weight you'd put on during lockdown.🤷‍♀️

Roowig2020 · 06/10/2020 19:19

Announcing it on social media was not very tactful imo, especially a showy off bump pic. If you valued their friendship you would've told them in person. And why did your friend find out only when your boss announced it. Perhaps your definition of a friend is different from what I imagine.