Bitter friends

[SydneyRose]

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

The way you've described your Facebook post- a 'coy' photo. Sounds worse than just telling them. Are these people you talk to much, have conversations with? If so, you should have told them, because the way you've done it seems more dishonest if you have close contact with them. They know they have their own issues, they may have felt your public announcement and not telling them directly was crass.

A photo of you with a bump on social media is an announcement... it doesn't matter how you dress it up.

And I say this as someone who was in your position, except it was SIL, not a friend. DH spoke to his sister in person, just the 2 of them. We knew that is how she would want to be told. We knew she would be upset and cry, which is why it was just the 2 of them. It's not that she was upset we were having a baby, it's a grief for what she couldn't/wouldn't have.
Throughout the pregnancy, she never talked about it or the baby, and that was fine. She couldn't cope with those conversations and I would've hated to think that she felt she had to have them with me.

Calling your friends "bitter" is cruel. They are going through a pain and grief that they might never resolve.

It’s not that their bitter. It’s just self preservation, their way of coping and protecting themselves from further hurt. It is hard to hear pregnancy announcements when you’re struggling to conceive. It’s not that they’re jealous of you or wish anything negative towards you, they are just sad for themselves. There definitely is a difference. Just give them some time and try to understand.

I was going to say initially you're friends need to get a grip (I have been in and remain in the position of your friends), but by the time I got to the end of your post I felt sorry for your friends as you come across as quite insensitive. It's nice to see you've contacted your friends though.

I would also say that having been successful fairly quickly, unless you've had prior issues please don't say you "understand their pain". To so so is fairly insulting as is calling them bitter.

@planningaheadtoday

If you ever find yourself in this position again, however hard it is, tell them quietly, directly, and early on so no one else tells them.

Apologise, acknowledge that this news will upset them and that you understand they might not be able to feel glad for you and that that's ok.

That you really value their friendship and that you wanted to tell them first so they had chance to think and prepare themselves if you have mutual friends.

I've been where you are, I've also been where they are. The pain and grief is unbelievable and unless your walked a mile in their shoes you've no idea.

But, what's done is done, I'd write them a personal note now and then put it behind you and enjoy your pregnancy.

This is the best advice you've been given.

@Ragdoll27

I don't think you sound very caring towards your friends calling them "bitter" in your title. I think it would have been kinder for you to let them know privately. I don't think there is such thing as a coy understated announcement on Facebook!

Agree with this. Facebook isn't coy or understated.....

Messaging them privately as a courtesy and not expecting a response (making that clear) would have been more thoughtful.

Not a place for a pregnant lady who should be avoiding stress free situations.

Err not sure that's what you meant typo?

I'm guessing yes.

You're very much coming over as one of "those" pregnant women who expects life to be all about her as soon as she tells people she's pregnant!

Well, that's not how life, or friendship works!

You STILL have to be considerate and thoughtful of others and their situations, being pregnant isn't a "get out of jail free" card!

@PurpleDaisies I agree - she was wanting us to say how unreasonable they were being not showering her with heartfelt congratulations and being all happy about HER pregnancy

And NO not all of us CAN "turn on happy"

@iloveyoubutilovememore speaking as someone who's been both "sides" of this, I was immensely grateful to the people who made the effort to tell me their news privately and in such a way I didn't have to immediately try and put a brave face on my reaction, I was immensely hurt by those who did so very publicly and then similarly to the op took umbrage when I wasn't all sunshine and flowers!

This includes the arse who decided to announce his wife's pregnancy at MY birthday party the MONTH after my 2nd surgery for Gynae issues - which yes he did know! I'd only been out of hospital a week and even his wife clapped him one and told him to shut up! He wouldn't so now exh showed him the door!

When I eventually had happy news of my own (but was still VERY nervous) those I was in regular contact/close to who I knew were having their own struggles I followed the example of those who'd been kind to me and told them privately in such ways as allowed them to deal with it as they needed to and not have to put a brave face on immediately.

@Waitingforbabypage we're not claiming to be perfect but op seems to particularly lack insight and compassion here and rather than taking on board the ACTUAL experiences and feelings of those of us that have had issues having children she's stropped and flounced!

Pick up the phone and arrange to meet them. Explain your reasonings behind what you did and hear them out too.

Sorry but I think that's bad advice to an op who isn't particularly adept socially anyway.

Plus the last thing her friends need is to feel obligated to meet an insensitive pregnant friend with an obvious bump!

I agree the morning sickness comment is not unreasonable, complain all you like to people who aren't struggling to conceive/stay pregnant but don't bang on to someone who at that time would love to be experiencing morning sickness (or whatever), it's about consideration for who you're talking to

The house buying analogy is disgusting and I agree totally tone deaf!!

Hi @Sydney Rose
Firstly, huge congratulations on your wonderful news!
I just wanted to say, from someone who has suffered with infertility for years and gone through multiple failed IVF cycles, please just give your friends some time. It's not that they aren't happy for you, it's more that they are sad for themselves. I have felt that feeling countless times over the last 4 years or so. Having said that, I've always managed to bring myself to congratulate my friends but it wasn't easy....I'd then just sink into a hole and take myself off social media for a while to protect my own feelings.
By some utter miracle, I am currently 5 and half weeks pregnant myself and still cannot believe we are in this wonderfully fortunate position.
Anyway, all the very best of luck to you and I'm sure your friends just need some time to process ❤

I’m a bit torn with this tbh

Some people in their position might appreciate the heads up and a carefully worded message. In the other hand they might feel patronised and more upset. I don’t know. It’s such a personal thing. I also don’t think I would contact them again just yet. Leave them be.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that these women can’t deal with your pregnancy or are incapable of being happy for you though. I think you need to understand that for obvious reasons they will have their own way of processing this news and respect that. If you did then you wouldn’t have started this thread.

The use of the word “bitter” to describe them though is highly regrettable and does imply a greater degree of self absorption than even your excitement at being pregnant does not mitigate for.

You were being unreasonable.

Bitter is a disgraceful way to describe somebody who is struggling.

You were not being a good friend.

You wanted people to tell you that your friends struggling with infertility were dreadful and should be happy for you regardless.

Wishing you well in your pregnancy.

I think people are being unfair. While I agree that a private message to give the friends a heads up would have been better, it’s clear that OP was trying to do the right thing and misjudged what that was. There’s no handbook on exactly how to behave in these situations, and it doesn’t make OP a horrible, thoughtless or insensitive person that she didn’t get it perfectly right on this occasion.

Infertility is hard and awful, and it’s important for people who have kids easily to be sensitive and supportive. But there’s no universal rule as to what that actually means. My best friend has struggled to conceive for years and has spoken to me in the past about how difficult she finds it when friends and family send her a ‘sensitive’ private message to let her know. She says it’s a reminder every time of what she doesn’t have, and that it makes her feel like everyone is very aware of her struggles and treading on eggshells around her because of it. She prefers to find out naturally, as if she’s anyone else hearing the news. So it’s actually not completely unreasonable for OP to think that maybe her friends would have preferred the same.

@iloveyoubutilovememore

It’s a tough one. I agree with above comments regarding how you’ve handled it. They are going to be sensitive so really you should’ve told them before privately. That being said, ignoring you isn’t very nice. If I were you I would speak to them on the phone and apologise for not telling them sooner, just that you didn’t want to upset them by flaunting your news whilst they had to deal with their sadness. Just be honest. X

There is no way to make pregnancy announcements without upsetting someone. A reminder of what my body couldn't acheive would have bruised me either way - whether on social or a direct phone call. The best way to put things right is to give your friends space and time.

@Coldwinterahead1

Your friends are grieving for what they don’t have. Give them time

They are not bitter. They are grieving. And the above.

Good luck with your pregnancy but don't rub their noses in it.

There is no way to make pregnancy announcements without upsetting someone.

While this is true, there are good and bad ways to find out. Simple, factual text without the sympathy at a time when you’re pretty sure they’ll be at home is always what comes out as the runaway winner then people ask for advice on what to do in this sort of situation.

Op you shouldn't listen to the women on here who are telling you that you have done it the wrong way...
Your wording "jealous and bitter" is awful. It sounds like you have very little understanding of what they are going through. Are they your friend's? You should check in and tell them that you are here if they want to talk but there's no pressure and that you understand.

I'm not going to criticise how you told them because each to their own with announcements BUT I'm at the word bitter. These ladies are going through GRIEF. Grief with no end. Pregnancy announcements can trigger these powerful feelings of grief, and let me tell you they are overwhelming at times. So please do cut them some slack, they are going through an absolutely horrendous time in their lives.

@SydneyRose

Interesting points of view and appreciated. One of the friends was told via my boss before I got chance and is more of a work friend rather than a very close friend. The other friend, I know 100% in my heart would of completely been more hurt if I had told her privately and made a big thing of it which is why I did not make a big deal of it. It wasn’t an announcement on socials at all- but a photo in which a bump was visible. I’m not going to hide my body and the obvious changes and sooner or later she’s going to see me in real life or hear. I agree with using the word ‘bitter’ was harsh on reflection and unfair. I’ve sent both such compassionate messages of love and positivity I can assure those who have mistaken me for someone who doesn’t have any empathy and I thank *@Coldwinterahead1* for your wisdom. I think your advice was spot on. X

OP has reflected and said her use of 'bitter' was unfair so let's try and give her the benefit of the doubt. And I do believe by writing this post she knows she's done wrongly and wants help in order to make things right. Or maybe I just like to always see the good in people 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, yes you should have told your friends prior to your announcement, it was a little insensitive and I think you know that now.

However to those saying she shouldn't post on FB, why not? Let's take the friend scenario out of the equation for a moment.... Being pregnant is such a blessing, one I am incredibly grateful for. I'm 20 weeks and only announced it at the weekend on my instagram and why? Because I was so proud to be pregnant! However, I did wait until I had told everyone I wanted to know and took extra consideration to those who I knew around me that were having fertility trouble. I appreciate pregnancy posts can be a massive trigger and I do honestly wish everyone who is having any of these troubles all the luck and strength in the world but why should someone who is so so proud or being pregnant not post on their socials? I absolutely understand why deleting someone for your own mental health, Christ I do that weekly. But I disagree with those that have said that someone shouldn't post about their pregnancy for the reason or upsetting others. I do believe that anyone who posts a pregnancy or birth announcement isn't to upset anyone, more the opposite?

I also do feel that this has turned into a much healthier debate than it was earlier yesterday.

Major malfunction with the bold there, sorry!

Happened to me that, 3 years on and she's still not speaking to me 😬 xx

Wow, harsh responses, just the fact you thought about your friend before you announced shows you care. You just may have got it wrong but that could’ve gone either way. It’s so sad for couples struggling with fertility and they are entitled to grieve, take a minute to process etc but comments like this...

Good luck with your pregnancy but don't rub their noses in it.

Wrong. Enjoy your pregnancy, talk about it, post it, do not feel bad about it. When their time comes they will want to do the same, and they are also entitled too.

I have no fertility issues but a good friend of mine has. When I got pregnant, I called her to tell the news and told her that I know this might be difficult for her and that I hoped we could continue our friendship as usual and promised her I wouldn't be talking about pregnancy all the time. This friend has heard years ago it would be impossible to have a baby but it still hurts her to this day. I have no idea if my approach was the best one but our friendship remained very strong.

I think posting on SM wasn't really a smart move but given that you had no bad intentions, some response you have gotten here has been pretty harsh.

As others have said, allow your friends time to grieve. And send them a text to apologize in a few weeks from now. This might help.

Enjoy your pregnancy XXX

This is such utter bullshit and I had never heard of it before MN!

OP you handled this perfectly fine. You didn’t do a big SM announcement which you were perfectly entitled to do, if it was up to the snowflakes on here you’d have covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and hidden away for the whole 9 months, then given up your baby for adoption so no one had to see him/her. How very dare you get pregnant when you knew other people were trying to!

I’m sorry but having experienced baby loss and secondary infertility, people who wont even give you a brief kind word, let alone try to be happy for you in these circumstances because they are so absorbed in themselves, are really not worth bothering about.

You’re always going to get the kind of responses you have had on this thread

I do think the use of the word bitter was wrong but there have been many times in my life people have had what I wanted / longed for and don’t have Such as a happy marriage, feeling loved and cared for , security and respect and I don’t feel incapable of being happy for people who have this although it has caused me sadness.

And yes you are entitled to celebrate being pregnant in whichever way you want. It is your baby and your body after all

@CoronaIsShit

This is such utter bullshit and I had never heard of it before MN!

OP you handled this perfectly fine. You didn’t do a big SM announcement which you were perfectly entitled to do, if it was up to the snowflakes on here you’d have covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and hidden away for the whole 9 months, then given up your baby for adoption so no one had to see him/her. How very dare you get pregnant when you knew other people were trying to!

I’m sorry but having experienced baby loss and secondary infertility, people who wont even give you a brief kind word, let alone try to be happy for you in these circumstances because they are so absorbed in themselves, are really not worth bothering about.

Calling people who suffer from infertility and find pregnancy announcements difficult snowflakes? Are you an actual child?

I think a lot of people are failing to grasp that, yes - people are allowed to celebrate their pregnancy, but you can do it whilst being mindful and considerate to friends and family who are grieving.