Bitter friends

[SydneyRose]

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

@SydneyRose bless your heart for getting so much flack on here! Poor thing. Those who have been so harsh towards you, it must be so tough being so perfect all the time!!
I went through a similar thing when my son was born- his birthday falls on the start of infant loss awareness week. I know many of my friends have had fertility issues and unfortunately many have lost infants and my heart breaks for them, I struggled with debating if I should post his birth announcement of not. However- why should you not post your happy news?
My boy making his way in to the world healthily doesn't take anything away from their loss. And I'm sure your pregnancy isn't to spite them and rub their infertility in their faces?!
I spoke to one friend in particular and we came to the agreement that although, yes, she was very happy my son was here, it made her feel her losses more so if I wouldn't be too upset, would I mind if she hid me from her timeline for a while. I was fine with that. We still communicated via text, she still asked after my son, but I only spoke about him if she asked about him.
After a while, she unhid me and then she came to meet him. It just takes some time and understanding which I am sure you have.
Hope you have a happy, healthy rest of your pregnancy.

Hmmm you maybe could have dealt with this in a better way OP but I guessing you know that. Being pregnant is wonderful so I can fully appreciate why you would have wanted to share it on social media. However as everyone has said, your friends are grieving for what they want and might never have. Pick up the phone and arrange to meet them. Explain your reasonings behind what you did and hear them out too.

I was in a similar situation where I fell pregnant naturally and quickly (something I'm incredibly grateful for) and my best friend was still suffering from side effects from a MC from earlier this year. Nervous to tell her, I looked online to see how I could approach this in a sensitive manner without causing any additional heartache to her. We met for lunch, had a lovely walk and as soon as I mentioned I was pregnant she replied with 'I'm four weeks pregnant too'. My heart sank with utter joy but also much relief. ❤️

Seeing a bump or scan photo is incredibly triggering for someone suffering with infertility. Trust me - I’ve been there. Same woman continued to be insensitive and I had to ghost unfortunately. It was making me very unhappy ☹️ I think you should have told them individually - if they were true friends. Sorry just my opinion - they may come round in time. Maybe
message them and ask how they are? Admit to them you were insensitive and were not sure how to approach it and that you’re sorry and thinking of them?

I’d be really interested to know what those of you would have done who have completely annihilated this woman.

You do know because they've all said. They'd have avoided a social media post and messaged privately and sympathetically

I’d be really interested to know what those of you would have done who have completely annihilated this woman

Anyone who replies will be accused of being overinvested in the thread.

Just give them time and whatever you do don't bang on about how much you hate morning sickness etc

Sorry but I have an issue with this.
I empathise whole heartedly with those who face fertility struggles but I also believe it’s similar to other types of jealousy. Friends who buy houses when you know you’ll never be able to get on the property ladder, friends who have fab careers and incomes whilst you feel like you’re wasting your life on job seekers. Not exactly the same but similar.

Totally acceptable to ugly cry, distance for a few weeks, quietly seethe with jealousy BUT once that’s done you kinda do need to decide wether the person is important to you and if so pull your big girl pants up and carry on.

I’ve heard awful stories of women tearing their families apart, ditching friendships of 15+ years and refusing to acknowledge babies because they were jealous, then suddenly becoming pregnant themselves and carrying on like nothing ever happened.

My issue with your comment is that I suffered severe HG, regardless of how ‘lucky’ some people would have thought me, I felt like I was going to die and had a significant mental collapse. I feel like saying stuff like this forces women into a guilt ‘well you’re pregnant so you should be grateful and shut up’ spiral. Plus I also know women who have had significant fertility issues and gone on to suffer HG/ they complained about it too! A lot!

Its "have" not "of" hun.

@PurpleDaisies I’m not accusing anyone of anything I’m stating facts. You’ve commented multiple times whenever someone has dared to show the OP understanding. You need to back off, she clearly knew there was an issue in her actions hence her posting on here.

I really feel for you OP. You’ve made a mistake and hopefully over time your friends will feel strong enough to speak with you. I think you’ve got quite a few people on here taking some of their own stuff out on you too unfortunately. Best of luck with your pregnancy x

@Stiffpeaks bit mean calling people bitches especially with the aggressive tone in your posts . It’s an emotional subject with no right or wrong answer and name calling isn’t going to help anyone

They would hurt any way they found out.

Let’s say that you and your closest friend at work went for the same promotion. You both really want it and you’re both well-qualified. On the day it doesn’t go your way and you don’t get the job; your friend does. Would you rather be told this publicly in front of the whole office or privately so that you can take a moment, put your game face on and head out to congratulate your friend with a smile?

It's words like 'bitter' and 'jealous' that are getting some people's backs up OP. I suffered with infertility. 11 years of it. And then when I did, finally, get pregnant I lost her late on. During the time immediately afterwards I am not ashamed to say that I would unfollow any and all pregnancy announcements because it was like a knife through my heart. I wasn't jealous or bitter I was in pain and removing those reminders was the only way I could think of to protect myself. When I did get pregnant again I told no one other than people I was likely to see so strong was the worry that acknowledging it publicly would make it all go wrong.

Until you have walked in their shoes you have no idea what infertility feels like. Cut your friends some slack, realize that the 'ghosting' is less bitterness and jealousy and could be them shielding themselves from pain and hurt. Which they are perfectly entitled to do.

I empathise whole heartedly with those who face fertility struggles but I also believe it’s similar to other types of jealousy. Friends who buy houses when you know you’ll never be able to get on the property ladder, friends who have fab careers and incomes whilst you feel like you’re wasting your life on job seekers. Not exactly the same but similar

That’s not empathy. You don’t have empathy if you are talking about friends being jealous of others being a homeowner in the same breath as infertility. It’s not similar at all. It’s not comparable in the slightest.

@Pumpertrumper yes yes and yes. So those of us who are lucky enough to conceive quickly shouldn’t talk openly about pregnancy just to keep the peace with friends who are struggling. My sister in law is having a v hard time with infertility and I am pregnant. We were days apart when she miscarried. I felt awful and ended up telling her how guilty I felt, even saying it should’ve been me not her. She was so upset to see me upset and feeling guilty and has done nothing but support me. As you’ve said this could be done on many other levels. All my friends bought houses before me. I lived at my MIL’s with our newborn and became extremely depressed because of it. Did I resent and ignore those friends who lived in their 2/3 bed semis who quite frankly had no idea how hard it was for me? No. Friends support each other, through the bad AND the good.

@Ragdoll27

I don't think you sound very caring towards your friends calling them "bitter" in your title. I think it would have been kinder for you to let them know privately. I don't think there is such thing as a coy understated announcement on Facebook!

This.

You can take the job analogy further. Of course you are happy for your friend but you are disappointed too. It would be reasonable to hope that your friend won’t post masses of showy social media messages about how she’s spending her pay rise, and that she won’t call you late in the evening to moan about how the new job means working much harder and longer hours.

I obviously understand their pain and bitterness

Anyone who gets pregnant within a couple of months without really trying really has no comprehension of their "pain or bitterness"

Oh and by the way most women struggling to conceive aren't "bitter" that isn't very nice terminology.

I dont think you can compare infertility to not owning a house?!

I’m not accusing anyone of anything I’m stating facts. You’ve commented multiple times whenever someone has dared to show the OP understanding. You need to back off, she clearly knew there was an issue in her actions hence her posting on here.

Most of my posts have been responding to people who think they know what it is like to be infertile but have absolutely no clue. That’s not attacking people who have “dared to show the op understanding”. It’s challenging those who think women can just turn on being happy because they want to.

Feel free to report anything to think breaks talk guidelines and kindly stop policing my posts.

The house analogy is stupid.

Even if you don’t get to live in the house you want, you are not usually homeless with no prospect of ever owning a house.

@Turtleturtle81

I empathise whole heartedly with those who face fertility struggles but I also believe it’s similar to other types of jealousy. Friends who buy houses when you know you’ll never be able to get on the property ladder, friends who have fab careers and incomes whilst you feel like you’re wasting your life on job seekers. Not exactly the same but similar

That’s not empathy. You don’t have empathy if you are talking about friends being jealous of others being a homeowner in the same breath as infertility. It’s not similar at all. It’s not comparable in the slightest.

I agree. You have no idea. None.

@Pumpertrumper

Just give them time and whatever you do don't bang on about how much you hate morning sickness etc

Sorry but I have an issue with this.
I empathise whole heartedly with those who face fertility struggles but I also believe it’s similar to other types of jealousy. Friends who buy houses when you know you’ll never be able to get on the property ladder, friends who have fab careers and incomes whilst you feel like you’re wasting your life on job seekers. Not exactly the same but similar.

Totally acceptable to ugly cry, distance for a few weeks, quietly seethe with jealousy BUT once that’s done you kinda do need to decide wether the person is important to you and if so pull your big girl pants up and carry on.

I’ve heard awful stories of women tearing their families apart, ditching friendships of 15+ years and refusing to acknowledge babies because they were jealous, then suddenly becoming pregnant themselves and carrying on like nothing ever happened.

My issue with your comment is that I suffered severe HG, regardless of how ‘lucky’ some people would have thought me, I felt like I was going to die and had a significant mental collapse. I feel like saying stuff like this forces women into a guilt ‘well you’re pregnant so you should be grateful and shut up’ spiral. Plus I also know women who have had significant fertility issues and gone on to suffer HG/ they complained about it too! A lot!

I meant don't talk about morning sickness etc to infertile friends. I have no issue with women talking openly about how hard pregnancy can be, but know your audience.

Sorry you had such awful HG.

It's pretty childish to call people keyboard warriors when you just don't like what they say. You're coming across as quite self involved. I'm not sure why you posted if you're not actually going to take comments on board. You should have told your friends personally.
Also saying socials is really cringey.