Bitter friends

[SydneyRose]

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

@BitGutted

I had this and announced my pregnancy and some friends of ours were a bit off with us but don't let them spoil your news It's unfortunate they're in that position and I feel for people

However

As friends they should be happy for you and win your news

It's not always possible to just make yourself happy. I fee intense jealousy and sadness when I hear a pregnancy announcement.

Infertility is the hardest thing that's happened to me and I've had some really shitty things happen to me. With respect you really have no clue as you've just not been there.

A true friend would still try and be happy.

Nobody wants to feel unhappy at someone else’s pregnancy. Nobody.

Maybe a true friend might be better at pretending to be happy but maybe not.

If you're close enough to some one to know they're having fertility problems, you're close enough to have the courtesy to drop them a quick text before posting bump shots on your Instagram.

Tactless and horrible. Put yourself in their shoes. You have been trying forever and have issues. Next think you know a friend has popped a picture ‘on your socials’ to announce it to everyone

You don’t even have the thought to contact them direct first and have a conversation with them so they are prepared. They then have to deal with everyone saying oh have you heard Sydney’s news, isn’t it great and have to probably pull every resource they have not to burst into tears

Tbh if I was them I would be dropping you, you are no friend

@SydneyRose I can't believe the flaming your getting, you've agreed that you should have been more tactful in your delivery, in your description on here as well as perhaps your social media post, but really this is not AIBU. You were asking for advise on how to approach your friends and make things better or easier for them, that makes you a good friend in my book

I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down.

You obviously don't. You haven't been through it, don't even purport to understand. You're being self-centred.

You were asking for advice on how to approach your friends and make things better or easier for them, that makes you a good friend in my book

Come on.
Read between the lines. She was looking for people to tell her how awful her friends were being to a pregnant lady who should be avoiding stress free [sic] situations.

@SydneyRose
Gosh some ladies on here need to wind their mean neck in!!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we can always deliver better looking back. Just give them time and check in on them. They'll come around xx

@PurpleDaisies Quite. Then flounced off when didnt get the desired response

If I was your friend I probably would have ghosted you.

Calling them jealous and bitter...seriously? Your poor friends :(

You dealt with this in entirely the wrong way. Your friends are not jealous and bitter, they are dealing with their own fertility issues and probably feel like salt is being rubbed into their wounds. If your friends are backing away from you it’s because they are looking after their own mental health, which is (rightly) more of a priority for them right now than giving you the attention you wanted.

@Turtleturtle81

If I was your friend I probably would have ghosted you.

Calling them jealous and bitter...seriously? Your poor friends :(

You dealt with this in entirely the wrong way. Your friends are not jealous and bitter, they are dealing with their own fertility issues and probably feel like salt is being rubbed into their wounds. If your friends are backing away from you it’s because they are looking after their own mental health, which is (rightly) more of a priority for them right now than giving you the attention you wanted.

This.

Honestly OP, if you were looking for a place where people would do sympathetic head-tilts while you called your infertile friends ‘bitter’ then no, MN probably wasn’t the place to come.

I hope you’ll stick around though. You will learn a lot about empathy for other people’s situations.

@PurpleDaisies you are extremely invested in this thread. What is it that irritates you so much about what OP has posted? It’s clear she’s made a mistake but you’re literally coming back at any comment where someone dares to help her.

If you were close enough that they confided in you about their fertility struggles, then you should have let them know before posting anything. It looks uncaring and hurtful even if it wasn't intended.

This was so clearly insensitive I thought it was a reverse? Now I've read it a few times I'm not sure.

What is it that irritates you so much about what OP has posted?

I can’t say it without getting banned.

I had several chemicals and then a mmc. After my second surgery for mmc I found out my husbands friends wife is pregnant and was a couple of weeks after me. I’m still not right and it’s all very raw.

I burst into tears when I found out, so much so I couldn’t tell hubby to wish them the best, although I am happy for them. I used to be so happy for people when they announced on fb etc even if I’m not close to them, now I actively ignore them. I don’t do it to be mean but it hurts like hell.

They are probably hurting more than they will ever say and your news brings all their feelings back to the surface. Give them time.

It’s tough, I’ve been on the fertility issue side and don’t think you can really know that your friend would have not wanted you to tell them personally. I always preferred knowing to scrolling through my phone and bam, pregnancy announcement.
However, if you really are friends they will have time to feel sad and then face you when they are ready. It’s hard to explain how many emotions you feel when you are struggling to conceive. I would feel sad it wasn’t me, happy for my friend, guilty I felt sad, guilty my husband felt sad, it’s a tough ride and one I always did In private and got back In touch with friends as and when I could be genuinely happy and there for them .

@PurpleDaisies I completely agree with you. I recognise your name from some other threads, hope you're doing ok.

I’d be really interested to know what those of you would have done who have completely annihilated this woman.

In retrospect it probably wasn't a good idea to let them find out by seeing a picture of your bump on your social media, all the same I agree ignoring you isn't very nice at all.

I had a close friend announce on social media she was pregnant , it still shocks me that her knowing my situation that was how to choose to tell me , needless to say we're no longer close friends

I don't really understand how the OP would expect a personal message of congratulations from these friends to be honest, when the same courtesy was not given to them. I also don't think the OP should have told them if she didn't want to, but then shouldn't really expect any thing back.

I think, unfortunately, and without trying, the OP has made this a bigger deal than ever needed to be. I don't know anyone who would rather just find out news like that by opening social media, whether it's a showy Facebook post, or a simple photo. If you're aware something may be sensitive and upsetting to a close friend, then you take the time to be there for them. And if they are not a close enough friend to warrant that treatment, then you shouldn't be annoyed if they're not making a fuss of you. Simple as! Respect and effort goes both ways, no matter the situation.

If i founf out my close friend was pregnant from a generuc facebook messge i would be pissed. I would think why would i bother messaging them when they didn't feel i was important enough for them to message and that is without the infertility issue.
I have been on both sides of this. Took me 2 years with number 1. It is like a kick to the stomach being baby bombed on fb. When i fell pregnant anyone who i knew was struggling i messaged them when i knew they were at home and had support around. This gave them tike to disgest their sadness for themselves before they had to be happy for me.
I think you are in the wrong here OP and need to send an apology for being so insensitive

Hello OP, you weren’t wrong to announce your pregnancy but I think you might not understand how painful fertility issues are. The grief is extraordinary. Your friends might need to take a break from you for their own mental health. I remember avoiding a pregnant colleague because I just couldn’t stand to talk about it (I’d had three miscarriages that year and no one knew). I did congratulate people though, just couldn’t bare to keep talking about pregnancy, babies etc.

Best wishes for your pregnancy.