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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Bitter friends

223 replies

SydneyRose · 06/10/2020 18:40

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

OP posts:
Asterion · 07/10/2020 20:14

The thing is, you don't understand their pain. And putting a "coy" Hmm photo on social media is still doing a big announcement. And then that post will keep appearing on their feeds, as other add comments and congratulations.

Calling them bitter is very judgey and unkind. Give them some time. And maybe the messages didn't help - sounds like you were hassling them to be happy for you.

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 20:15

@aToadOnTheWhole

Stop editing her to suit your argument

She also says she "obviously understands their pain and bitterness", when she clearly doesn't.

She "sent them lovely messages" which I'm sure meant well, but they'd made it clear they didn't want to engage and she persued it.

She admitted she didn't want to upset them, but did nothing to mitigate that prior to upsetting them, but is then upset that they haven't congratulated her, because they're upset.

Again you are speculating We don’t know what those messages said so stop implying you do
aToadOnTheWhole · 07/10/2020 20:20

She said herself she sent a "lovely message". It doesn't matter what the messages said. She sent them to women who'd blanked her and made it clear they didn't want to engage. I'm not speculating. OP said both these things.

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 20:22

@PurpleDaisies

Look nobody with any sensibilities is saying the “bitter” word is right but you are putting meat on the bones of what you perceive as a faux pas here. Projection might have been the wrong word I apologise but it’s certainly embellishing.

It is a discussion forum. I was making the case that people cannot just announce their pregnancies however they want without the risk of being thoughtless or horrible. Using examples is not embellishing and I never suggested the op had done either of the things I described.

Read the post I took issue with again. That poster has since said that “people” referred to the op but that absolutely was not clear. People tends to mean people, as in people in general.

She didn’t send a picture of her scan photo to her friend who had miscarried

How is it relevant?
If it is to introduce a concept of a barometer for selfish pregnant women announcing their happy news to women who haven’t or might not experience the same it ironically makes the OP look a lot more decent than some of you are willing to consider

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 20:24

@aToadOnTheWhole

She said herself she sent a "lovely message". It doesn't matter what the messages said. She sent them to women who'd blanked her and made it clear they didn't want to engage. I'm not speculating. OP said both these things.
I repeat that you don’t know what those messages said So it is speculation. Just leave it at that. Stop digging.
PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2020 20:26

@shesgonebatshitagain

It was a direct response to...”People are entitled to announce/celebrate however they chose, that does not make them horrible/thoughtless anything else”. I don’t know how many more ways I can say it.

There are some ways that pregnant women choose to announce their pregnancies that are most definitely horrible and thoughtless.

aToadOnTheWhole · 07/10/2020 20:30

I repeat that you don’t know what those messages said
So it is speculation. Just leave it at that. Stop digging.

And I'll say it again. It doesn't matter what the messages said. The women had both pointedly and specifically ignored OP, they did not want to engage with her. She pushed it by sending a message. And then when they didn't congratulate her, came online to call them bitter and jealous of her pregnancy.

VillageGreenTree · 07/10/2020 20:33

My advice is to drop the word bitterness when describing your friends and change it to distressed.
Think about your friends. The pain of infertility is very deep and the news of a pregnancy is like a knife wound to the heart.

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 20:37

[quote PurpleDaisies]@shesgonebatshitagain

It was a direct response to...”People are entitled to announce/celebrate however they chose, that does not make them horrible/thoughtless anything else”. I don’t know how many more ways I can say it.

There are some ways that pregnant women choose to announce their pregnancies that are most definitely horrible and thoughtless.[/quote]
Such is life

I think it is horrible and thoughtless to tack on to this thread examples of announcements which are in a different league of self absorption and potentially traumatising compared to a Facebook post and an ill judged adjective the women in question never heard.

gingerbreadfox · 07/10/2020 20:42

@Ragdoll27

I don't think you sound very caring towards your friends calling them "bitter" in your title. I think it would have been kinder for you to let them know privately. I don't think there is such thing as a coy understated announcement on Facebook!
This 👆🏼
PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2020 20:44

I think it is horrible and thoughtless to tack on to this thread examples of announcements which are in a different league of self absorption and potentially traumatising compared to a Facebook post and an ill judged adjective the women in question never heard.

Well, I think you haven’t understood what a discussion forum is for.

conduitoffortune · 07/10/2020 20:45

I haven't experienced infertility but the tone of the OP's posts even got my back up. Based on the language she has chosen in her posts I can only imagine what her 'lovely messages' read like.

And who the fuck can think that those who have experienced infertility are snowflakes whilst defending a poster who flounces off a thread because the perfectly rational comments which don't suit her narrative are harmful to her baby Hmm

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 21:43

@PurpleDaisies

I think it is horrible and thoughtless to tack on to this thread examples of announcements which are in a different league of self absorption and potentially traumatising compared to a Facebook post and an ill judged adjective the women in question never heard.

Well, I think you haven’t understood what a discussion forum is for.

I don’t have much to debate with you tbh. I have children and I won’t insult anyone by pretending to know how it feels to be unable to.

However

  • someone deciding to use the word bitter about a friend in this context was stupid and insensitive
  • someone sending scan photos to a person that has miscarried well there are no words

I’m just struggling to put those two people in the same bracket and think the thread has spilled over into character assassination.

That’s all

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2020 21:52

The only person that s putting those people in the same bracket is you @shesgonebatshitagain

Plenty of pregnant women announce pregnancies in insensitive ways because they’re thoughtless. A few seem to take a perverse pride in causing hurt to others because it’s their right to post what they want. I doubt those women will ever change their mindset but the ones who are just a bit clueless might read a thread like this and decide to handle things differently.

Lots of infertile women have shared their experiences and how they’d most like to find out about a pregnant. This thread is about more than just the op.

2020wish · 07/10/2020 23:41

They are bitter. They are grieving. I’ve been in their shoes and believe me the best thing my newly pregnant friends did to protect my feelings was tell me in private their happy news over message ... they told me in a way that was sensitive and that they wanted me to know first before they announced it. This have me time to hurt and heal. To see that they were being respectful to my grieving and then by the time they announced it on social media I had time to adjust and be happy for them. I think u were a bit tactless and knew of their struggles and to them it just seems Like u have hide u news and then just announced it without even considering ur friends feelings but expecting them to consider urs

2020wish · 07/10/2020 23:41

That aren’t bitter *

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/10/2020 23:52

Honestly if you care about these friendships then go and talk to them. Invite the work friend for a coffee and apologise for the news coming from your boss and talk about the stuff you would have done previously - you don’t actually have to talk about your pregnancy with her as you’re not close. For the closer friend why not just ask to pop round and have a heart to heart?

I lost at least 30 pregnancies over 10 years and in that time all of my friends and family got pregnant multiple times. Every pregnancy hit me like a brick wall and devestated me - but those who kept it a secret from me broke my heart and I still haven’t contacted some of them even after having my baby.

ConfusedcomMum · 08/10/2020 09:59

Also I'm guessing your close friend would have been confiding in you about her fertility struggles whilst all the time not knowing you are TTC yourself so it would have come across as a bit of a shock and a feeling of being blindsided by the impersonal FB announcement tbh.

shesgonebatshitagain · 08/10/2020 16:17

@PurpleDaisies

The only person that s putting those people in the same bracket is you *@shesgonebatshitagain*

Plenty of pregnant women announce pregnancies in insensitive ways because they’re thoughtless. A few seem to take a perverse pride in causing hurt to others because it’s their right to post what they want. I doubt those women will ever change their mindset but the ones who are just a bit clueless might read a thread like this and decide to handle things differently.

Lots of infertile women have shared their experiences and how they’d most like to find out about a pregnant. This thread is about more than just the op.

I have known many many women over the years who have announced their pregnancies

Not one of them has done it in a selfish and thoughtless way and I say that as someone who has sat and seen a friend’s scan photo weeks after a shocking miscarriage and a relationship ending in the same month. She pulled me to one side and did it. It actually felt worse as her kindness was actually more upsetting than if she’d not thought of me. Someone it reminded me at that point in my life and for a few years after I was different.

I understand that this is a hugely emotive and deeply personal issue. I spent over a decade wondering if I would ever hold a baby of my own but I was never anything but truly happy for people who it happened to whom I cared enough about to have in my life.

This thread was not a debate about how an infertile woman would prefer to be told about a pregnancy for everyone. Really it was about what if anything the OP should do next to try and make things better. That wasn’t good enough though.

In any event though the OP wrote this

“One of the friends was told via my boss before I got chance and is more of a work friend rather than a very close friend. The other friend, I know 100% in my heart would of completely been more hurt if I had told her privately and made a big thing of it which is why I did not make a big deal of it“

Take the highly unfortunate, no awful use of the word bitter - on here not to her face incidentally - and she has done something millions of women do every day on social media across the world.

Perhaps stop having what Might be unrealistic expectations of whether other people should try to accommodate everyone else’s potential reaction to something which is really all about them in that moment. I don’t say this to be critical but because I think assigning people this sort of pressure at what is a joyful time for them will only cause you heartache and pain.

SugarSW7 · 08/10/2020 16:36

@shesgonebatshitagainyou can be happy for someone else and absolutely gutted for yourself simultaneously.

I don't think anyone was saying that they weren't happy for their friends good news.
We're all going to have to agree to disagree.
Personally having been on both sides, I will have to say that for me, I put someone else's potential grief above the need to spread my joy.
With this current pregnancy, I've told people individually when I've seen them or text them if I knew it wouldn't be likely I'd be seeing them soon. Done tactfully where I knew there were issues of loss, infertility or divorce. There won't be a SM announcement, but that's my personal taste. For me, it is absolutely enough that my husband and I are delighted, I mean what will it add to hear "congratulations" from someone you know is struggling?

shesgonebatshitagain · 08/10/2020 16:47

[quote SugarSW7]@shesgonebatshitagainyou can be happy for someone else and absolutely gutted for yourself simultaneously.

I don't think anyone was saying that they weren't happy for their friends good news.
We're all going to have to agree to disagree.
Personally having been on both sides, I will have to say that for me, I put someone else's potential grief above the need to spread my joy.
With this current pregnancy, I've told people individually when I've seen them or text them if I knew it wouldn't be likely I'd be seeing them soon. Done tactfully where I knew there were issues of loss, infertility or divorce. There won't be a SM announcement, but that's my personal taste. For me, it is absolutely enough that my husband and I are delighted, I mean what will it add to hear "congratulations" from someone you know is struggling?[/quote]
I described exactly that but also that her kindness was too much. I have always been happy for people who had what I always wanted which was a child and spent about fifteen years of my life congratulating them, holding their newborns while wishing it was me?

Clearly we are all different but what I am saying is it is fine to hope we will be treated as we would wish but that it doesn’t always happen especially not with something like this. They doesn’t necessarily make someone Selfish and thoughtless.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

shesgonebatshitagain · 08/10/2020 16:49

Also just to add I agree that what would it add to what congratulations by the same token what would it cost to say it?

lc86 · 08/10/2020 18:08

Ooh tough one! My sister needs IVF to have a baby so as soon as I found out I told her in private, I ended up crying as I felt so lucky but also guilty that I have it so much easier than her. But I think she appreciated being able to let it sink in before I let everyone know x

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