Bitter friends

[SydneyRose]

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

To call people who would find this situation hard "snowflakes" is the epitome of lack of empathy or sympathy and I'm amazed that someone's need to "share" on Facebook, for likes, acknowledgement, just to share or whatever is put above someone else's grief.
@PurpleDaisies examples and analogies are all perfectly valid IMO.

This

That "snowflake" post was utterly disgraceful

@SugarSW7

If the OP finds the discussion stressful because she is pregnant. That's unfortunate as that's not the intention. I'm also pregnant and could have this conservation without effect if I'd initiated it. I appreciate your comment that she may not be able to. I think the point people are trying to make is that, in exactly the same way, some people may be able to have fertility issues and not be affected by announcements etc, but many are. So tact all round is needed. I honestly think that if the OP had not used the word bitter or seemed confused as to why she was being blanked, she probably wouldn't have gotten harsh responses. If we need to be careful with the OP because she's pregnant - not a medical illness by the way, then surely we can see that we need to be careful with people who are grieving losses or having difficulty conceiving.

I entirely agree

Some of the attacks on her have been disproportionate though and while pregnancy is not an illness it can make you very unwell

I suffered tremendous emotional stress in my first pregnancy and almost lost my baby twice because of it.

Her use of the word bitter was very ill judged and I think she now knows that

@Graphista

*To call people who would find this situation hard "snowflakes" is the epitome of lack of empathy or sympathy and I'm amazed that someone's need to "share" on Facebook, for likes, acknowledgement, just to share or whatever is put above someone else's grief. *@PurpleDaisies examples and analogies are all perfectly valid IMO.

This

That "snowflake" post was utterly disgraceful

The snowflake post is worse than what the OP did by a country mile

To dismiss anyone as a snowflake is low but somehow especially low in this context

shesgonebatshitagain

Either way- I’m out of here. Not a place for a pregnant lady who should be avoiding stress free situations.

That's what OP said, fairly early on, assuming she meant stressful situations rather than stress free. But I laughed. Because I found it funny. Because being disagreed with online isn't a stressful situation. Find that as asinine as you like

I think a lot of the comments, not all but a lot, have more so been from women explaining why having been in the friends situation, they may be acting this way.

It really isn't easy to understand unless you've been through it and it's a common theme on MN where people are pissed at their friends who are suffering fertility problems for not being able to congratulate them, not wanting to be around them, not just trying to be happy for them when they are pregnant.

I think it does need explaining just how deeply this stuff can affect some people so that people like OP know not to take it personal but can also try and be a bit more understanding and hear from others how their friends may possibly be feeling and why.

It doesn't need to be seen as an attack.

Bad move, you really should have let them know before you announced

@aToadOnTheWhole

shesgonebatshitagain

Either way- I’m out of here. Not a place for a pregnant lady who should be avoiding stress free situations.

That's what OP said, fairly early on, assuming she meant stressful situations rather than stress free. But I laughed. Because I found it funny. Because being disagreed with online isn't a stressful situation. Find that as asinine as you like

My view of your comment still stands Grin all you like

@cat709

This has clearly moved away from the original poster's dilemma. She's pregnant and shouldn't have to read such mean statements.

Anyone who wants to continue, start your own new thread!!!

I really hate this idea that just because someone is pregnant, it means they are special little flowers that must be protected at all costs from “mean words” or the mildest of inconvenience and stresses. I’m 32 weeks pregnant and I wouldn’t expect anyone to tiptoe round me. You’re grown ass women, pull yourself together - you’re embarrassing yourself.

I would never send a scan photo to anyone other than my parents, unless they asked to see it.

I'm 16 weeks and agree with you Turtleturtle81

My view of your comment still stands
Same.
Grin all you like
I shall

I hate it too. Physically delicate, fine, in terms of not eating certain foods, refraining from activities - I can see.
Everyone having to tiptoe around to protect you from potential upset - ridiculous.

Come on you are being deliberately obtuse

Not tip toeing around might be not expecting a woman to be too fragile to carry on working to do a weekly shop, for for a run, to carry on as normal.
It’s something altogether different to participate in some sort of online lynching On her about other people sending scan photos and the like just because she used an unfortunate turn of phrase and dare to post a photo of herself on social media.

You can’t say pregnant women have to be careful around women who can’t conceive then lay into a Pregnant woman like this

I’m not defending what she wrote not at all I just think the same things has been said so many tines here as well as stories that are far worse than what she’s done it’s gone too far.

@aToadOnTheWhole

I'm 16 weeks and agree with you Turtleturtle81

My view of your comment still stands
Same.
Grin all you like
I shall

Earlier in the thread you described her as “The OP here was perhaps, tactless, and thoughtless, rather than cruel. She thought, in her easily pregnant bubble (that is a privileged position in itself), that everybody would and should be delighted for her regardless of their own struggle. “

This is asinine
Firstly you have assumed she fell pregnant easily and you don’t know that
Secondly if someone cannot be happy for another human being regardless of their own struggle then why are we accepting that? I have friend in my life who have things I will ever have and I don’t mean material things. I am still able to raise a smile for them, even shed a happy tear and a bit of it be for my own sense of sadness. Why is so wrong to hope people would be happy for her?

I don’t know what it’s like not to have children and the bitter comment was awful. Take that away though and she put a photograph of her bump on her social media. She’s been put through the wringer ironically by people who expect their own feelings and circumstances to be at the forefront of others’ mind

To laugh at the fact she might be distressed by this and that it is debatable whether this is a good thing to do to a pregnant woman is not something to laugh at

I really don't think she's been lynched, I think there's been some replies which have cut slightly deeper. It was definitely the use of language which fanned the flames.

Then the OP flounced, and the conversation sort of moved on from her initial dilemma. It's an emotive subject so bound to get emotionally charged replies.

Take that away though and she put a photograph of her bump on her social media

And all her friends have done, is not acknowledged this by not congratulating her. That's what she was pissed off about. And called them bitter and jealous.

I have no doubt your heart was in the right place OP. How can you fully comprehend what the best way to break the news to a woman struggling to conceive if you've never experienced it yourself? You did what you thought was best, but turns out that there may have been a better way. Tbh I think even if you'd messaged them personally they would have gone NC for a while. It's not bitterness but grief. They know they should be happy for you, they just can't be. It's not your fault and it's not theirs either. Give them time and try to be patient with them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I don't think you sound very caring towards your friends calling them "bitter" in your title.
I think it would have been kinder for you to let them know privately. I don't think there is such thing as a cosy understated announcement on Facebook!

This. You wouldn't refer to them as "bitter" if you felt bad. Your OP says it all.

Also why are you checking in on them after the announcement? You could have contacted them before. For all you know they have had a particularly tough month.

I posted before I RTFT

I see we have a flouncer and blaming pregnancy for the flounce. That's a new one

@shesgonebatshitagain

This is what I was responding to which you have criticised me for.
People are entitled to announce/celebrate however they chose, that does not make them horrible/thoughtless anything else, the OP has actually given it some thought ( she definitely didn’t HAVE to ) she just got it wrong this time.

You wrote:
^These are examples of hideous behaviour and not remotely the same thing as the OP
You are projecting other things here and that is not fair at all.^

It’s all right and good to highlight the need for tact and sensitivity but some of you are going too far with associating the OP with things like these examples

I made no comment about the op in my response. I simply disagreed with the statement that people could announce however they want without it being thoughtless/horrible. The thread is now about more than just what happened in the op’s situation.

I don’t think I’m the one projecting here.

Have been on both sides and can honestly say it sucks BUT I'd never dream of being unkind to someone because they've become pregnant and I wasn't. DH and I tried for over a year before taking a break as it was getting to me mentally, the first month we stopped trying we had 4 family and friends announce they're 'accidents'. We were devastated but still made the effort to be there for them, at the end of the day it's not their fault we couldn't get pregnant. We announced our pregnancy last Christmas and were completely ghosted by my sister and her husband, heard nothing from them for 6 months, no messages asking how their unborn niece was (I could deal with them not asking about me but it's their niece!) they announced their pregnancy when I was 8 months and we couldn't be happier for them, just a shame they couldn't have been happy for us.

@aToadOnTheWhole

Take that away though and she put a photograph of her bump on her social media

And all her friends have done, is not acknowledged this by not congratulating her. That's what she was pissed off about. And called them bitter and jealous.

“Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them”

The OP also wrote this

Stop editing her to suit your argument

[quote PurpleDaisies]@shesgonebatshitagain

This is what I was responding to which you have criticised me for.
People are entitled to announce/celebrate however they chose, that does not make them horrible/thoughtless anything else, the OP has actually given it some thought ( she definitely didn’t HAVE to ) she just got it wrong this time.

You wrote:
^These are examples of hideous behaviour and not remotely the same thing as the OP
You are projecting other things here and that is not fair at all.^

It’s all right and good to highlight the need for tact and sensitivity but some of you are going too far with associating the OP with things like these examples

I made no comment about the op in my response. I simply disagreed with the statement that people could announce however they want without it being thoughtless/horrible. The thread is now about more than just what happened in the op’s situation.

I don’t think I’m the one projecting here.[/quote]
You are
You’ve taken other anecdotes and padded the OP’s scenario out

Look nobody with any sensibilities is saying the “bitter” word is right but you are putting meat on the bones of what you perceive as a faux pas here. Projection might have been the wrong word I apologise but it’s certainly embellishing

Look nobody with any sensibilities is saying the “bitter” word is right but you are putting meat on the bones of what you perceive as a faux pas here. Projection might have been the wrong word I apologise but it’s certainly embellishing.

It is a discussion forum. I was making the case that people cannot just announce their pregnancies however they want without the risk of being thoughtless or horrible. Using examples is not embellishing and I never suggested the op had done either of the things I described.

Read the post I took issue with again. That poster has since said that “people” referred to the op but that absolutely was not clear. People tends to mean people, as in people in general.

Stop editing her to suit your argument

She also says she "obviously understands their pain and bitterness", when she clearly doesn't.

She "sent them lovely messages" which I'm sure meant well, but they'd made it clear they didn't want to engage and she persued it.

She admitted she didn't want to upset them, but did nothing to mitigate that prior to upsetting them, but is then upset that they haven't congratulated her, because they're upset.