Bitter friends

[SydneyRose]

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

Honestly, I think you were tactless. It would have been far kinder to let them know individually rather than a public post if you knew they were struggling. Describing them as bitter isn't nice either.

^^with knobs on.

If I were you I would speak to them on the phone and apologise for not telling them sooner, just that you didn’t want to upset them by flaunting your news whilst they had to deal with their sadness.

Don’t ring them. Nobody wants that phone call.

You sound like a truly shite "friend"

Interesting points of view and appreciated. One of the friends was told via my boss before I got chance and is more of a work friend rather than a very close friend. The other friend, I know 100% in my heart would of completely been more hurt if I had told her privately and made a big thing of it which is why I did not make a big deal of it. It wasn’t an announcement on socials at all- but a photo in which a bump was visible. I’m not going to hide my body and the obvious changes and sooner or later she’s going to see me in real life or hear. I agree with using the word ‘bitter’ was harsh on reflection and unfair. I’ve sent both such compassionate messages of love and positivity I can assure those who have mistaken me for someone who doesn’t have any empathy and I thank @Coldwinterahead1 for your wisdom. I think your advice was spot on. X

Wow some of you just love to let loose on here don’t you!

I actually think announcing your pregnancy on social media no matter how big or small an announcement, is very tactless.
Personally, I never understand the need for an announcement on social media but that aside, I’d be pretty hurt if I were a friend, especially if I were one going through fertility issues.
You sound quite wrapped up in yourself.

The other friend, I know 100% in my heart would of completely been more hurt if I had told her privately and made a big thing of it which is why I did not make a big deal of it.

You were clearly wrong aren’t you because she’s ghosted you.

I don’t think you were harsh to announce it, it’s your happy news to celebrate and shouldn’t be made to feel bad. I’m not sure messaging them to tell them would have helped to be honest, they’d be jealous however they found out.

My sister in law couldn’t get pregnant (and has never had children since, she decided against fertility treatment) when we had our children, she completely cut us out. She only came round to acknowledging us again when our youngest child was 12 months old. I messaged them we were expecting and she couldn’t hack it even once the baby was here, refusing to meet our children. I have so much sympathy for people but it’s a 2 way street, I think they can feel sad for themselves but behaving shitty towards you ghosting you isn’t on.

I’m pregnant with our third child now and waiting to be blanked for the next 12 months again when we tell my brother and sister in law. I refuse to feel bad though, I feel like it’s their problem not mine to deal with, they made me feel bad at a time that should have been very happy time for us with our first and second child.

What does a ‘coy’ photo even look like?

If you’re serious about saving these friendships I think the onus is on you to apologise for how they found out.

You sound very self involved and tactless!

It's not "bitterness" it's a deep and painful grief!

Took me 5 years all in to get my dd and then pretty much straight after the birth I was told I couldn't risk even getting pregnant again as I'd be risking my life.

Have some compassion and consideration for those who are struggling and manage your sm accordingly - it's not hard!

It's also not difficult - though too late now - to gently tell those struggling with infertility/pregnancy and infant loss in a sensitive and caring way that you were pregnant.

You've handled this very badly to be honest.

Let them be and maybe educate yourself more on how they might be feeling.

You can sympathise but you really can't know what it's like.

I'm willing to bet op not telling us full story as to why the hurt friends are distancing themselves from her.

When you can't have children you grieve. When a close friend becomes pregnant, the infertile friend is forced to address their grief whether they like it or not. Some cannot, or certainly not at that time. Cut them some slack. Imagine your worst possible loss, then imagine being asked to be happy for someone else having the thing you cannot have, and on their timeline. YABVU.

I’m not sure messaging them to tell them would have helped to be honest, they’d be jealous however they found out.

Are you infertile? Are those of us that are saying a private message is the best way to find out lying?

It wasn’t an announcement on socials at all- but a photo in which a bump was visible.
She deffo thinks it's lockdown weight gain and is too polite to mention it.

Why on earth is your boss announcing your pregnancy OP?

@ThanksItHasPockets THIS. Call them be honest and try to speak it over with them.

@SydneyRose please ignore some of these bitchy comments. You didn’t word your post well what with the bitter comment, and you definitely haven’t handled it well, but some of these personal digs from the keyboard warriors should be ignored.

I hated seeing pregnancy announcements on social media when I was going through infertility. And when I did get pregnant I text my friend who was also struggling with infertility to let her know so that she didn't have to react straight away and she could put on her poker face next time she saw me. And I never posted anything about my pregnancy on social media
Bitter sounds so judgemental from someone who has had it come so easily to her. But hell yes I was bitter, even now with two beautiful children I don't like seeing bump or scan photos on Facebook - it all comes flooding back. I used to unfollow anyone immediately as soon as they posted a pregnancy announcement. Infertility is absolutely miserable to deal with. All consuming and devastating. I can't overstate how much it affected me.

they’d be jealous however they found out.

They’d be envious, not jealous, because they want the thing that OP has and are quite possibly learning that they might never have it.

By your logic there’s no need for tact in any difficult situation. If a person is going to be sad then who cares how they find out. Right?

I think they probably want to be happy for you, but are struggling themselves and need to focus on their own well being first. When I fell pregnant a friend I work with was struggling, I made sure she knew first. She took time out from our friendship. And I supported that because that’s what she needed. I would never have let her find out via social media. I don’t think anyone understands fertility problems unless they’ve experienced them

I agree with all the other posters that maybe announcing it on FB for them to find out wasn't the nicest way tell them. A private message would've been kinder.
However them ignoring you isn't very nice either. Maybe give them some time to get used to the news, hopefully they'll come around.
I went through the same thing with my best friend & I just have her time & didn't talk very much about the pregnancy with her.

Wow... I was stupid to think this was a place for calm discussion. Many a key board warrior here... for those who looked at this situation fairly- thank you. For those who have brandished me some kind of horrible human- you really wouldn’t think that if you knew me. Either way- I’m out of here. Not a place for a pregnant lady who should be avoiding stress free situations.

It's not the OP's fault she's pregnant and her friends are not. A true friend would still try and be happy.

People need to chill.
The OP clearly never had fertility issues and probably didn't think very far about tactfully announcing the pregnancy, but that doesn't make a person self involved or whatever she has been called.
It's just called ignorance.

And i have been there and been BITTER after hearing pregnancy announcements when i had a loss and was going through months of disappointment.
I was hurt and sad and all that but i also was bitter. And felt awful for feeling that way.

However them ignoring you isn't very nice either.

Why not though? No one is forced to respond to things they see on social media.

The op has not said what was in the follow up messages she sent.