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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Bitter friends

223 replies

SydneyRose · 06/10/2020 18:40

Hey guys. I’m currently 16 weeks and overall doing well. I have a couple of friends who sadly are going through fertility challenges at the moment. They were both unaware my partner and I were trying. I didn’t message them directly to let them know my happy news as I didn’t want to flaunt my news after being really lucky on our first couple of months of trying. I popped a coy and pretty understated photo of me on my socials with my little bump rather than doing a big announcement etc but wanted to let everyone know, especially being in a local lockdown and generally not being able to see many people face to face now. I’ve had so much love and well wishes but the two friends in particular have just completely ghosted me and ignored me ever since. No congratulations and one of the friends I work with has pretty much blanked me ever since my boss announced it. Even after sending some lovely messages checking in with them Ive had nothing back in response. Just feeling really crappy that I’ve upset them. I obviously understand their pain and bitterness and wish them loads of luck and love too but it’s getting me down. Just wondering if anyone else has any advice on situations like this or has experienced a similar thing. It would be a shame to lose friendships :(

OP posts:
violetrosemummy · 06/10/2020 20:36

If they are good friends maybe you should of told them directly before telling everyone on social media. I would of felt disappointed that you didn't tell me and I had to see it with everyone else if I was meant to be a good friend. Congratulations though x

iloveyoubutilovememore · 06/10/2020 20:37

Policing your comments. Oh please. Honestly it’s getting very out of hand on here. And as for the ‘turning on happy’ comment. Rubbish. I have been so depressed I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts daily. I still managed to turn happy on if and when I needed to. We all get by and do what we need to do to survive. Whether that’s infertility, break down of relationships, losing jobs and so on. It’s all hard. Taking out personal issues on other people isn’t healthy for anyone.

silentpool · 06/10/2020 20:37

Empathy comes when you've experienced something yourself. You are attempting to sympathise with people, which isn't the same thing.

Trying to tell someone what infertility is like, is akin to being a plane crash survivor who is explaining it to someone who has never flown.

showmethegin · 06/10/2020 20:38

I think comparing buying a house to infertility is without doubt one of the most insensitive, tone deaf and bloody ignorant things I've ever read on here, and I've been here a long time.

Having your baby die is nothing like buying a house. Trust me, I've been there 3 times.

iloveyoubutilovememore · 06/10/2020 20:38

Our*

forrestgreen · 06/10/2020 20:41

I'd say you should have sent them each a thoughtful message saying you know it'll be difficult for them but that you're pregnant. Not a coy / unfeeling photo

M0rT · 06/10/2020 20:41

I can't have children because I have cancer. Should I be expecting people to not only refrain from posting their news about pregnancy on social media but also any talk of pensions or future plans or bucket lists?
Because not only will I never be pregnant or become a mother but I won't be alive to draw a pension, have a limited future and bucket lists are "triggering".
Of course sometimes when I see these things I feel sad and angry and bitter. But mostly I'm just happy for my friends and family. There isn't a quota of babies or lifespan. My loss is no one else's gain.

wewillmeetagain · 06/10/2020 20:43

I completely disagree with pp. you shouldn't have to be careful about your happy news just because others can't handle it. Other people's triggers are not your responsibility, you sound like a lovely thoughtful friend, it's a shame your " friends" can't be the same!

gypsywater · 06/10/2020 20:44

Seems like there are two types of people in the world Confused

abitfunny · 06/10/2020 20:44

Some of these replies are shocking. I feel for the friends of some of these women!

abitfunny · 06/10/2020 20:46

@M0rT you are amazing.

cat709 · 06/10/2020 20:47

@M0rT
Great post, I think yours should be the last word on this.
Good luck x x

Brieminewine · 06/10/2020 20:51

I think you’re getting a hard time on here OP. You dealt with the announcement how you thought would be best, it’s shame your friends have reacted this way, I think they’re unkind to ghost you to be honest.

And yes I’ve experienced infertility and miscarriage and clearly remember that gut wrenching feeling when seeing friends announcements on SM, but that was my issue and I wouldn’t have let it come inbetween a friendship.

Marmitecrackers · 06/10/2020 20:53

There are few things more painful than seeing a pregnant woman when all you want in the world is a baby. You haven't got the first idea how heart wrenching infertility is. I was never the same again after years of IVF and loss.

A message or call but categorically no photos.

Some of my friendships didn't survive them having kids during my ivf years. There were times I would cry so hard I was sick if I came in contact with friends that were expecting and ultimately had to be selfish and not put myself through that because I had to get out if bed every day to go to work to pay the mortgage and maintain a semblance of life but I could only do that by shutting some of the pain out.

Turtleturtle81 · 06/10/2020 20:57

@wewillmeetagain

I completely disagree with pp. you shouldn't have to be careful about your happy news just because others can't handle it. Other people's triggers are not your responsibility, you sound like a lovely thoughtful friend, it's a shame your " friends" can't be the same!
No, but you can be considerate, which is pretty key to being a good friend. It doesn’t cost anything to just consider someone’s feelings, especially when they are going through an extremely tough time and dealing with trauma and grief.
OhCaptain · 06/10/2020 20:58

Your friends are bitter.

People here are keyboard warriors.

Maybe, just maybe, you are the problem?

It was the wrong way to do it. Tactless and thoughtless.

Worse, your thread is about them being bitter! You posted so everyone would tell you how awful they are!

backspacekey · 06/10/2020 21:06

I agree with @M0rT to a point - I wouldn't avoid posting on social media on the off chance someone who sees it might be struggling in the area I'm posting about but if I knew they were, I wouldn't post.

Kalula · 06/10/2020 21:42

Sorry but I think announcing by showing your bump is pretty tacky and trashy - imo. I understand and acknowledge others feel differently. If I see those types of photos on facebook I think worse of the person who did it. It's pretty distasteful, and about as in-your-face flaunting as you could possibly do. It is certainly the number one way NOT to announce a pregnancy. Telling them gently with a 'I know this may be hard for you to hear' type message personally would have been better than flaunting it all over facebook and rubbing their face in it.

AlviesMam · 06/10/2020 21:45

Work friend situation can't be helped if your boss announced it.

I would have dropped your other close friend a text message to announce your news so she could grieve in private. It's abit shit she found out on social media.

I've struggled for two years (two baby losses) and social media baby announcements are a massive trigger for me personally and I would be so upset if my close friend didn't drop me a message first to let me know her news before telling the rest of the world.

I understand it's your time and you want to share this very happy news which is amazing but please understand us women who have struggled are bitter, we are jealous and we are hurt when we see a baby announcement and yes silent treatment and backing away is a normal thing to do in this situation as we cannot process it straight away because of how sad we feel. If she is a close friend there's no doubt she is happy for you and would want the best for you but for women struggling with fertility we have this massive cloud in the way and sometimes can't even pretend to be happy.

Congratulations and I hope you understand why your friends are acting this way. X

MimiDaisy11 · 06/10/2020 21:58

I think some of the replies here are just mean. The OP comes across as wanting to do the right thing. Even if you think from the situation described that the OP doesn't fully understand what it's like or that maybe another way would have been better calling the OP names isn't called for.

Personally, I could see myself in that situation unsure about how to let them know. Even a very plain message simply telling them privately could come across as insensitive or boasting to some people. Also with a photo on facebook you're under no obligation to comment, reply etc. Whereas if you're sending them a private message, aren't they going to then think about what they should say back or feel they could be forced to say congratulations etc. Not to mention they know they're being singled out because they're having issues with fertility.

ScottishLassie91 · 06/10/2020 22:04

My husband I had been planning to try for a baby since early 2019. I was made redundant then got a new job that put me under undue stress and I had to deal with sexism.
I ended up with a health scare that lasted around 6months where the doctors thought I had PCOS, endometriosis and then I had an emergency scan for cervical cancer. Then due back to work after furlough and it was postponed. I felt we had done everything right, we got married, bought our dream house and started saving for maternity and then the issues with my health stopped us. I felt like a complete failure and it out a strain on me.
I wasnt infertile but was told to prepare myself for the worst when going for the scans and tests.
During this time, my younger cousin announced she was pregnant after being with her boyfriend for a month and was so happy as now she'd get a bigger flat and hated her job so would get time off. She put it in a group messenger chat to us before announcing it and I was devastated and sobbed. I could only muster a congratulations. Even when she would comment about stuff, I couldn't bear to hear it that I had to mute it.
Thankfully my health problems cleared and I fell pregnant not long after trying but people are allowed to feel how they want too. I do think putting on a picture without letting them know was tactless, if they were your friend I can only imagine how they felt seeing your picture.
It's unfortunate but everyone is going through something x

Mangofandangoo · 06/10/2020 22:05

Should have let them know personally OP if you are 'friends' as you say

uglyface · 06/10/2020 22:11

Talking as someone who went through years of infertility to conceive, and now might never have a second due to partner’s age, I don’t think you were wrong to post your news.

I do however think it’s unpleasant to call people ‘bitter’, when they may need some time to grieve for what they may never have.

Ned2021 · 06/10/2020 22:11

You deffo handled that badly OP..

Speaking as somebody who has has fertility issues and recurrent miscarriages, i would want nothing more than a 'friend' of mine to give me the heads up of their pregnancy before announcing it on social media. It gives them time to process and do what is necessary to protect themselves.
For me, when i see a pregnancy announcement, i unfollow them immediately (after wishing them congrats) so i dont see it any posts on a down day.

You never gave them that oportunity and by not telling them personally, it has come across very uncaring.

Oh, and you couldn't possibly know how the feel right now....

planningaheadtoday · 06/10/2020 22:13

If you ever find yourself in this position again, however hard it is, tell them quietly, directly, and early on so no one else tells them.

Apologise, acknowledge that this news will upset them and that you understand they might not be able to feel glad for you and that that's ok.

That you really value their friendship and that you wanted to tell them first so they had chance to think and prepare themselves if you have mutual friends.

I've been where you are, I've also been where they are. The pain and grief is unbelievable and unless your walked a mile in their shoes you've no idea.

But, what's done is done, I'd write them a personal note now and then put it behind you and enjoy your pregnancy.