8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

Just seen how long that post is, sorry!

I think if you don’t speak your mind you will go nuts

Although I can see how the birthday cake comment could she’s been taken the wrong way

I have no advice but didn't want to read and not reply. Stay strong, you have so much on your plate at the moment!

It must feel like eternity, but it won't be. A few weeks, you will be mobile again, have a new baby sibling for ds, & be home with a nice new bathroom. Hang in there

It sounds very tough op and you poor thing being pregnant and having a break like that, hard enough being late stages pregnant!
Honestly though she is being massively helpful having you and your son in her house and her looking after your son is so helpful! That kind of help is priceless in my opinion. It sounds as though she is stressed and prob tired looking after your little one, my youngest is three and a lot of work. Maybe you should go back home as you might be more comfortable especially nearer to labour. Best of luck with the birth of your baby

Poor you. Sorry I don't have any advice, but will be here to keep you company over the next week or so, if you want me.
💐 For you. Probably prefer 🍷 but maybe have to wait for that one.

It sounds like there are a few crossed wires with your mil, would it help to sit with a brew a clear the air?

Not long to go, you can do this!

Try this technique which I call “Turbo nice”

Basically, don’t engage on any meaningful level, but just be the sweetest ever.

So try to skip over conversations about Anyone’s health or child rearing or Your labour or politics or anything serious like that

Keep everything brief, say thank you all the time, be the nicest DIL that ever existed

It sounds like MIL is having her own massive inner conflict and the best you can do is just be loudly, outwardly grateful to her. My guess is that more than anything, she wants to be appreciated

This will soon all be over and you’ll be back to your own life, so you may have to keep sucking it up, I’m so sorry! In your position I would feel just the bloody same

Best of luck!!!!!

Maybe try to centre her in this conversation in your head for a while to see how she is feeling.
Lockdown has been stressful for a lot of people, on top of be concerned about her brother. Cancer + covid is no joke.
Maybe sit down with her and acknowledge that she is doing a lot and is there anything you can help with, even to let her unload.
If that doesn't work to clear the air, then you need to look at going home.

Thank you everyone, for being so lovely. I was half expecting to be told I'm the worst, most ungrateful DIL ever! I certainly feel like it when I'm at my lowest.

We just had a very nice lunch all together, so am feeling a bit better, even though I had to bite my tongue more than once. MIL likes to think she knows DS better than I do (she lives 300 miles away so only sees him once every few months!), but I'm just keeping quiet and letting her believe she's right.

I told FIL in front of her that I was sorry DS and I couldn't make him a birthday cake (emphasis on it being us two to clear up any confusion) and that's fine now. We're having the brother and some other relatives over for lunch on the birthday itself, I've offered to do what I can to help (eg order a cake to be delivered!) but they've said that I clearly can't manage much so not to worry. I always help clear the table after meals despite my limitations, so they can see I'm trying to pitch in as much as I can, but I'm very conscious that MIL has previously accused me of being lazy (not true and a loooong backstory) so the fact I can't do ANYTHING right now I feel is just confirming what she already thinks!

Going home early is not an option so I know I'm just going to have to suck it up. I've already planned to send her a massive bouquet when I leave to say thanks - I just need a bit of help getting to the end, ideally without whinging to DH that she's driving me nuts yet again.

I don't mind admitting that it's a completely shit time, I should be out and about enjoying my bump but instead I'm spending most of my time in bed, which is the only place I can get comfortable. Still, it could be worse! Baby didn't get hurt in my accident and I'm being forced to get plenty of rest. And I have you lovely lot to keep me company!

Man that suits sound rough, you are a hero for holding your tongue as those contents would irritate me too. I bet it'll all seen better when your DH is with you, of only because it'll dilute her attention a bit!

It's good that you recognise there good to have you, but just because someone's doing you a favour didn't mean they can't get on your nerves! Sounds like there's just a personality clash there and all you can do is try to get on with things, which you are admirably!

@notthemum can I have a virtual please?!

We had DH's cousin over lunch today. He's an osteopath, so I asked if he knew of any techniques to help turn the baby. He said the only thing he could advise was to move about, which isn't really an option right now! (My own osteopath at home has some technique for 'opening up the abdomen' but she's trained especially to work on pregnant women and he hasn't)

So MIL, with her years and years of medical training has decided I need to use the wheelchair less and more of the zimmer frame, even though it's knackering and pulls on my stomach muscles. They've just got back from the beach with DS and have obviously discussed it, as PIL has also just told me that 'he's no doctor, but he thinks I should move more on the zimmer'.

Thank GOD I'd discussed it with the nurse, who came by to give me my anticoagulant jab while they were out. She said absolutely NOT! I'm using the zimmer to get to the bathroom/loo and that's plenty. Anything more strenuous could trigger an early labour... whereas I've got my whole life for my ankle to repair itself. The important thing is to rest and think of the baby.

It was sweeeeeet telling FIL that just now. Changed his tune immediately and told MIL too!

She's still dead against me trying to turn the baby into a head-down position but they realised today that if I have an ELCS it'll be 2 weeks before my due date and will mess up their holiday plans. So fingers crossed she'll start pipe down on that score too!

Hi OP. Christ you must have the patience of a Saint.
I'd like to think that if I had been you (many years ago) I would have kept my mouth shut, but I wouldn't 🍷🍷🍷heres the wine, actually have the bottle, you deserve it. 🍾.
Glad FIL got it 👍 for him and🍋🍋for MIL cos I expect she was well put out 😂 petty I know, but I can be like that.
Come back and vent when you need to.
Take care of you.

My baby was stuck in a breech position. I had been seeing an acupuncturist during my pregnancy and she put a needle and herb on my little toe, Moxibustion it is called. Baby turned within a couple of days. Delivered fine. Maybe worth a try.

@Wherehaveiputmywine thanks for the tip - tried that with DS last time but it didn't work. It's not an option now as my foot is in a cast and if I had to treat both toes at the same time. Might check if it'll work on just one foot though...

Crappy day today. DS is now running around the house barefoot because the sandals I bought for him are "too big and rub on the inside" (they've been perfectly fine since April) so MIL has decreed that he needs new, smaller ones. Biting my tongue again and letting her waste her money rather than me my energy.

But the main bugbear today is that I'm really uncomftable. Baby's head is sticking in my ribs again, I can't get any sleep as I'm getting kicked whenever I try to lie down ("oh but that's good, it means she's healthy!" FUCK OFF) and every position ends up making either my hips or lower back ache after a little while.

I'm just really stressed out being around them. I feel like I'm judged for EVERYTHING I say and do around them at the best of times, and am constantly on the defensive. It's exhausting even when I'm not pregnant/laid up, but even more so now. Yet I can't go home because I can't manage there, so I'm stuck with it.

I've been having hot flushes and contractions this afternoon and felt like I needed diarrhoea (not the first time this has happened - paracetamol helps) so I spent the afternoon in tears then hiding in bed. Luckily they've taken DS out to the beach this afternoon so I've got some quiet time to vent on MN myself.

I just desperately want this baby to turn head down. If she doesn't, it'll be a C section at 39 weeks, which is 13 days after I get the cast off my foot. I'll have less than 2 weeks to learn to walk again, assuming the fractures have healed. There's a chance I'll still be in the wheelchair by then. I won't be able to pick up the baby to give her a feed or change a nappy without help, unless I can do it without having to walk or stand up. DH, their precious only child, is going to be run ragged looking after us. Yet they are INSISTING that I'm wrong to want to try to turn the baby!

Of COURSE I'll have a ELCS if it can't be avoided, but 3 different midwives have told me to go for a vbac if I possibly can. Yet FIL has been on Google and told me that 80% of women who have sections will always have subsequent sections, and so it's better if I have one too.

Seriously... when do FILs give a shit whether their DILs pop out the grandchildren via their belly or their foof??

Sending you huge hugs!
You are in an impossible situation but you are doing amazing.

Have you got a giant horse shoe shaped pregnancy pillow? Was litterally the only thing that let me sleep towards the end of my second pregnancy.
You can get them easily on ebay or amazon.

When they bring up birthing methods can you just say I'll see what the midwives/drs say over and over until they stop and refuseto elaborate? Worked for my inlaws after a while.

I really understand why you don't want a second CS though, its such a tough recovery especially with an older DC but I did recover from my second one much faster then my first so hopefully if you have to have one then you will be the same.

Have you asked/considered them trying to manually turn baby?

Was your eldest breech too?

Just looking in maman, sorry you've had such a shit day.
Ffs. Sodding in laws.
Will be up for a while, and always up early so give us a shout if you need a rant.

@Mumto1andthetinybun yep, got my giant pillow about a month ago, I love it! Hips still ache though. In the daytime I use one 'leg' to prop myself up and use the other to balance my laptop on my lap. It's the only way I can write my dissertation for any length of time - the head in my ribs starts to ache after sitting up for a while. Can see myself still using the cushion a long time after giving birth

@RandomMess my eldest was indeed breech. Under normal circumstances I'd have no problem with a second C section, it's literally just the fact that it's going to take me a few weeks before I can walk again, and my body is already exhausted/stressed from the current situation. So I'd rather avoid it. A vbac might just get me to 40 weeks and buy a few extra days of physio, walking practise, climbing stairs etc. Not to mention a shorter recovery time (also thinking of 3 year old DS) and better mobility after the birth.

@notthemum you are my hero! Thank you so much for being there for me to rant every day, it's exactly what I need. We actually had a pleasant dinner all together, which makes me feel a cow for bitching, but then I wonder why they can't just be like this all the time. Starting to realise just how stressed they make me feel - no wonder I'm less and less willing to spend long periods with them as I get older and less tolerant.

At dinner tonight they asked me yet again why it annoys me that they always refer to me and DH as 'the kids'. Apparently DH had told them I wasn't happy about it. I'm pushing 40 and about to have a second baby, so I'm hardly a child, but they see it as a term of endearment It was such a relief to be having a normal, pleasant conversation that I couldn't face adding 'it's mainly because you TREAT me like a child rather than just calling me one!'

Opportunity missed perhaps, but I couldn't face killing the atmosphere. Still 16 days to go before I can escape back to my own home, after all...

I wonder if you just have a pelvis shape that means your babies prefer beech

Staying with anyone under those circumstances would be really difficult intolerable

KOKO

That's exactly what I've been wondering, @RandomMess. That's why I'd like to find out about attempting to turn her now at 34 weeks, rather than waiting for 37 like last time which hurt like a bastard. The problem is that I'd have to tell the PILs what I was up to and have them drive me to any appointments, which will just set them off again. DH is arriving on Tuesday though, so maybe I can get him on board without needing to tell his bloody parents.

I did think the baby had turned a couple of days ago. I suddenly had this huge, stabbing pain, as though I needed to have explosive diarrhoea (sorry for the imagery - I didn't though! Rushing to the loo on a Zimmer frame would have been interesting) and then had some hiccups below my navel, but soon enough she was back up in my ribs again. Been playing music and shining a light in her face tonight to see if that'll get her moving, but she's just dancing away rather than turning upside down. She's going to be a monkey, just like her big brother 🙈

and lots of sympathy for your predicament.

Thanks for the flowers @AbbieLexie!

Feel like an idiot filling up my own thread but I've just had an epiphany. Plus it's 4 o'clock in the morning and if I don't try to get this off my chest now, I won't get any sleep at all.

I came to bed at 9.30, having had a fairly pleasant evening, and all of a sudden I started feeling incredibly anxious and stressed. My chest was all tense, I was having to take deep breaths and I just wanted a really good cry. And then suddenly I figured out why.

I think I have a serious anxiety problem regarding MIL. It's strange how even when I haven't seen her for weeks, and have no visits planned soon, I find myself imagining situations and conversations with her where I come out on top (which never happens in real life). All my friends and family know about the issues I've had with her over the years because I can't help but talk about it. To everyone. She really is the single biggest source of stress in my life.

Most of the time she is lovely, going out of her way to accommodate me and my family. She's always ready to help out if we need it, and she and FIL have been extremely generous to us, giving some of their recent inheritance to DH/us, to the tune of several grand. So why do I find myself complaining and stressing about her so much?

Probably because I feel completely intimidated by her. I'm afraid to open my mouth for fear of getting shot down, but she has a way of wheedling information out of you. We're also very similar in some respects, so I find I can't help but open up when I've promised myself that I won't.

When I've been brave enough to pull her up on stuff in the past, she openly admits that she has no filter and says the first thing that comes into her head, no matter how rude or insulting, and has cost FIL some close friends over the years with her mouth. She's notorious within DH's wider family for the way she behaves, taking over the household wherever she goes. Over the years I've been told that I'm nothing special, bone idle, my figure is a disaster and that I was the reason for our (then) unexplained infertility - to list but a few.

A couple of years ago I was accused of dumping my baby on her (when I left DS with DH for a couple of afternoons, but in her mind the men don't look after children - so 'she' was babysitting). Two days later, when I subsequently insisted on looking after DS myself, she went into a rage, accusing me of depriving her of access to him. That was the final straw, and after ten years of insults, I finally lost it. We had an almighty argument and I went LC for about a year. DH suffered a lot though, and despite everything he is a fantastic bloke who doesn't deserve a rough time, so we ended up back on 'good' terms. She knows I have a limit now, but somehow that seems to have strained our relationship even further, probably because she knows that she can't completely control me.

She can never be wrong, unless DH or FIL put her in her place. My experiences are completely belittled and rubbished when the mood takes her. Every single member of the extended family except DH and FIL gets regularly slagged off behind their backs, so I'm confident that I will have been too. Yet at other times she can be the best MIL in the world, taking DS and even the cat off our hands if we need to go away with work, helping us move house or travelling for hours to help us with whatever it is we might need.

No wonder I feel so conflicted. I'd rather refuse her money and help, so as not to be beholden to her, but DH accepts it and I have to suck it up.

FIL is better, but even he has his moments. He'll tell me he didn't like the way I did my hair at Christmas five years ago (yes, seriously) or tell me off for not being chatty enough at the dinner table (when they're all talking about boxing or something I know less than zero about).

Truth be told, earlier this evening I did start thinking about how if I don't deal with this somehow, it could have ramifications on my marriage. The only rocky patch we've ever had in 12 years was a direct result of DH being stuck in the middle between me and his parents and his seemingly choosing them . But I hope we're not there yet.

Anyway, I've just been reading up on 'energy vampires', having learned the term from a chiropodist a few weeks ago, who also does alternative therapies such as reflexology and crystal work. The description I found on Google fits MIL almost perfectly. I've no idea if crystals work or not, but the fact I've just realised that MIL is such a huge anxiety trigger is, for me, a huge breakthrough. I can start working on myself now.

In the meantime, I just need to find a way of getting through the next 16 days without getting too stressed out, as that really can't be good for the baby at this late stage of pregnancy. Before writing this post I was thinking about going to see a midwife and finding a reason why I might need to go home or even into hospital - any excuse to not be in this house a day longer. But I do have DS to think of. He's having a great time on holiday with Nanny & Granddad and he'll be very confused and upset if I suddenly disappear. If it wasn't for him (and you lovely lot), I would have completely lost the plot by now. And it's only been five days

I totally sympathise with what I've said in previous posts about her having a lot on her plate with various family illnesses at the moment, but this is something that's been eating at me for several years and it's becoming really unhealthy. It's time for me to deal with it once and for all, and I hope that my epiphany just now, and being able to rant about it on MN in the middle of the night, might just be the first step forward!

I have no idea if any tactics exist for emotional vampires.

Ultimately you need to find a good therapist that is experienced and successful with couples in dealing with wider family issues. You and your DH need to see them together.

Your MIL jumps in to help when it suits her because she gets something out of it...

If DH refuses to go to therapy in order to help resolve this issue then you have a DH issue as much as a MIL one.