8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

Air B&B for a few days.

"Well I could really do with the fresh air, even if the skies are a bit grey"

Oops missed your update, hope the fresh air does you good

"The problem is that this man is actually very decent and kind,"
Oh Maman, I'm just...not sure I can agree with this at all. I'm trying to compare him in my mind not just to my own DH but to every man I'm friends with, ex partners etc. "He's a man and needs clear instructions"...where does this idea come from?! To me it seems that somehow, some time, you've been convinced that you don't deserve to be treated warmly and kindly by those around you. That you have to fight/argue to have your point of view seen and understood. But many (most?) husbands can see and empathise with at least physical suffering, let alone emotional. If, for example, a heavily pregnant and injured wife is on her phone at night, the natural response I think would be sympathetic rather than selfish ("oh no, can't you sleep? Can I get you anything, give you a leg rub etc?" Rather than "put out that light I'm exhausted"). I say these things not to seem harsh or try to make you sad, but just...I feel like you need to know that you deserve much better treatment and indeed any partner does.

I hope you have a lovely circuit around the block and enjoy the fresh air. Really hope your DH sees reason asap.

Back quickly before our friends arrive and my presence is demanded!

We didn't get around the block as my mum called wanting an update, and it was a good time since the PILs were out. We played with DS in the garden instead, with DH and I chasing after him to tickle him, wheelchair and all. It was really lovely.

PILs came home and commented on what a nice change it was to see me outside. So I'm pretty confident that one of the things that I had done to piss them off was staying in my room rather than going out. Bearing in mind that after you take out my hospital stay, I've been here 7/8 days. I have actually been outside on about four out of those, or sat in the open window as if I'm outside. It's a struggle for me to get onto the patio with the wheelchair + zimmer, I can't do it alone so sometimes I chose not to bother.

On the other days it's either been raining, or I've chosen to work on my dissertation (which they encouraged) before DH arrived. So I just can't win with them. And why should they care anyway whether I choose to stay inside or go out??

It's almost like I have to be psychic to know what they expect from me, and this has always been a BIG part of the problem. It drives my anxiety because I'm always wondering what am I supposed to be doing to please them and avoid a snarky comment. That's why I ended up in the state I was in on Friday - I had no idea why there was an atmosphere at the table but I knew it was because of something I had or hadn't done.

One reason I was in my room so much was because I didn't want to inflict myself on them so much, and vice versa. It's 3 solid weeks together after all, and I thought that we might just hold out for that time if we didn't spend every waking moment together. I certainly couldn't be joined to their hip for 22 days without losing the plot and I'm sure they couldn't stand my company for that long either. During lockdown, DH and I always made sure to have time away from each other in our tiny house and it worked well. But here I got it wrong, and had I gone the other way I'm sure that would have been wrong too.

Ironically, they DID thank me more than once for going to bed straight after dinner each night, about 8.30pm, as they said it gave them some downtime together. So I thought keeping to myself sometimes was a good plan. Ha.

Talking about my mum (my bio mum that is, @notthemum!), I realised that she too has fallen into the Golden Child trap with DH. The lucky bastard has got EVERYONE fawning over him! Any time I said to her this morning that I'm now putting myself first for once, she'd come out with something like 'oh, but he's very good. You've got a good one there, hang on to him. He did deserve that weekend with his mates too after everything he does for you. He was probably tired and deserved a rest after travelling' By the end I had to tell her straight: No, mum. What I need right now is for you to echo what I'm saying. I know you're on my side, but stop going on about how wonderful DH is and just say YES Maman, you're right to put yourself first. YES, he needs to step up to the mark. YES, he's bloody lucky to have a wife like you and not just the other way around.'

It took some insistence - my mum is very intelligent in some ways but not so good with emotions and psychology! 🤦‍♀️😂

Bless you. I hope you have a good evening. Whatever bio mums or PIL think WE have got your back.
Will check on you later. 🍫

Maybe you can try taking what they say at face value. Even if you you suspect there's an agenda. So when they say it's nice to see you outside, just smile sweetly and agree that yes, it's nice to get outside. And you feel you've earned it after working on your dissertation. Still smiling. Try and stop yourself from from second guessing what they want, think, feel. Stay in your room, go out, or not, as it suits you. With a smile, and a bland explanation. But you can be more direct with your DH when they aren't listening. Have a lovely time with your visitors.

@Umberta you make a good point and I promise I'm listening. I'm looking at my own behaviour much more now and you're helping to keep me on the straight and narrow of what I should and should not be expecting or accepting.

The phone light is a long standing problem! I'm not an easy sleeper and am addicted to my phone, the opposite of DH, and he does often ask me (actually, make that tell me. See, I'm listening!) to turn off the phone so he can sleep. Sometimes I will, sometimes I won't. It really depends, but I do stand my ground.

I've been searingly honest in everything I've written on this thread. If I've come across as selfish, blinded or uncaring about MIL's own problems, whatever it may be, I can only write from my own perspective. I've also written exactly how I felt at the time of posting, when I've been at my most fragile, emotional and naked with vulnerability. My DH may have come across poorly. That's not to say you're not right about him, and I will be looking at our relationship with a fresh set of eyes thanks to you lovely people on MN.

However, as I've said before, he has really stepped up to the mark for me in many ways. I know DS and I are his number one priority, as he tells me often. He has absolutely supported me in everything I've wanted to do, whether it's quitting my job with nothing to go to (more than once) or going back to uni for 2 years, with the £12k fees coming out of our savings and leaving him as the sole earner to support 3 people. Now I'm finishing uni, he's told me to take my time finding a job that makes me happy rather than just accepting the first thing that comes along. He listens to me, loves and respects me. I don't know how else to say that he is a good guy, other than to say that I'm not the type to tolerate a shit partner. I certainly wouldn't still be putting up with his parents after 12 years if I genuinely didn't feel that HE was worth it.

My parents bicker constantly and slag each other off to me, and I've made a conscious decision to not end up in that kind of relationship. For me, hand on heart, the only sticking point in our relationship is with regard to his parents, and even that is changing - I think/hope becoming a father himself is helping him to detach from them. I told him before about MIL spoon feeding DS and he just went loudly "OFFS" and told her off. Also for always putting DS's shoes on him when DS is perfectly capable of doing it himself, but now starting to refuse because he's getting too used to having everything done for him...

How you doing lovely ? DH needs an eye mask. I used to wear one when I wanted it to be really dark. Can probably get one from a chemist for a couple of quid or whatever the currency is where you are.
Am staying up for a while so let us know if you like how things are going.
Take care. 💐 More bloody flowers, I'm saving the alcohol for after you have the baby.

Daisies that's been pretty much my survival method for the last few years!

The nurse came by for my anticoagulant earlier, MIL asked her to check my blood pressure since that was the reason they kept me in hospital, and I felt a bit rough yesterday. This time it was high 😂 But at least it shows she's swallowed the lie. The nurse said in front of her that I've got to take better care of myself and relax more, and MIL has just reminded me of this as I said goodnight. Complete turnaround from last week's 'you should be using the zimmer more!'

And if FIL is indeed annoyed that I've been spending too much time lying down in my bed, tonight has put paid to that. I spent 4 hours sitting up in the wheelchair and having dinner with the lovely friends who have arrived. My bad foot swelled up massively as a result and was throbbing (occupational hazard when you're in a cast), so I went over to lie down on the sofa with my foot in the air to get the swelling down. I think MIL thought I was being a bit rude and told me to come back to the table, but one of these friends is an A&E nurse and said I needed to stay put for a while and told her I needed an ice pack. It felt soooo nice to have people fighting my corner!

DH has been a star today. He's booked the spa weekend and my treatments. I asked what treatments he was getting for himself and he said, 'oh I'll just decide on the day, the important thing is to get yours all sorted.' Now that's more like it!

At 5pm he said 'come on, I'm taking you to that place you wanted to go to this morning'. We were about to drive off with DS when we remembered I had to wait in for the anticoagulant nurse. But the thought was there, and he took me for a short walk in the wheelchair instead. He's been running after me all evening fetching whatever I've asked for, and was constantly looking at me from across the table, checking I was ok and mouthing 'do you need anything?'. So I am definitely feeling like he's got my back now, and that alone will get help keep the PILs off mine.

Going the bed a much happier girl than I was last night ☺️ Thanks to you all for checking in on me!

are more than welcome mum, big I don't mind admitting I'm looking forward to a tanker of as soon as I'm able!! Xx

I am pleased you finally have some support. Try and get some sleep. (two more sleeps til your break on Friday Yay 👍).

I'm enjoying your thread and counting down the days with you OP.

Also I think your DH sounds alright! Sorry to be Team Golden Child!

Well done for coping through and awful situation!

*an awful

Glad you feeling happier!

Good morning! So glad you had a good day yesterday, here's hoping for another one today. Is it spa time yet?

Sorry, I'll be sounding like Donkey in Shrek 2, "Are we there yet?" I know it's not spa time yet, I'm just overexcited on your behalf

Thanks docus! Glad to hear that my long ramblings haven't being too annoying to read!

Complete turnaround here. MIL has rearranged the sofas so that I can access them more easily if I need to lie down and raise my leg again. She 'wants me to be able to spend time with the friends as much as possible, so this way I can still be part of the group without being in pain'. PILs and DH are taking DS and the friends to catch some crabs this morning so I'm to 'stay home and rest as much as possible so that I'm on form for lunch'.

The difference from last week is gobsmacking 😂

DH has just stuck his head around the door to say bye. Also whispered to me that he'd had a chat with his mum yesterday (I knew he had - could hear whispering during their board game while I was having a lie down). Apparently he told her that I've been trying hard not to be a burden to them, and in pain, hence keeping to my room a lot. She confessed that she's extremely worried and stressed about her brother.

I was completely aware of that - when they spent 6 days with us last month it actually went really well, and I knew it was because she was preoccupied with other things. Not to kick a woman when she's down, but normally she'd have been taking over the running of my house and interfering, but that time she didn't.

And that was also why I bit my tongue so much last week. No point poking the, er, dragon when she's already in pain. It doesn't help that she would never lash out at DH, DS or FIL, so I suppose that over the years, I've become the lightning rod, and I struggle to fight back.

While I'm more than sympathetic to her stress - this is DH's uncle after all, and the prognosis doesn't look good - I'm trying to remind myself that it doesn't change some of the things that have been said and done to me over the years. So while I do understand her situation, I'm also keeping the word 'gaslighting' in my mind.

I guess a lot of this could have been sorted with better communication, but it's not like I haven't tried over the years. And a lot of it stems from my own anxiety when I'm around them. I have to learn to better fight off their putdowns and attempts to interfere, but unfortunately I'm just too nice/weak to tell them to fuck off when appropriate, plus the language barrier goes massively in their favour.

Anyway, DH is here now to mediate and look after me. Perhaps he still has a little bit of his head in MILworld but nowhere near as much as he used to. He's an only child, he's been the centre of their universe since he was born, and I suppose it can't be easy to extricate yourself from that completely. In any case, I can say with confidence now that he would put me first over them if it came to the crunch - him saying he'd thought about taking me home early is proof of that. I know it should be obvious, but I was in such a state last week that I needed to be reassured that he had my back. But I'd sent him away on a stag weekend.

Our friends are now staying an extra day until tomorrow, then we're going away to the hotel on Sunday. I'm going to spend our wedding anniversary on Monday getting soothed and massaged, and it'll just be me and my lovely DH. We get back on Tuesday afternoon, then I just have to cross my legs and try not to go into labour before we leave on the Monday 27th. I've just realised that I'm 35 weeks today so will be at full term in 14 days. Forgive the expression, but this having a baby 'shit' just got real!!

@pickingdaisies

Sorry, I'll be sounding like Donkey in Shrek 2, "Are we there yet?" I know it's not spa time yet, I'm just overexcited on your behalf

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hi Maman. I am so pleased that things are definitely progressing in the right direction.
Bugger, I thought Spa day was tomorrow. How annoying. God I hate waiting. Here's 💐 🍫 and 🍰 to keep you going while everyone is out.
Will send ice-cream later.
Ooh, you really must learn to say fuck off in their language, just so you are prepared for the future.
Oh dear. Just realised that I must either say that or advise that far too much as I put f into my message and predictive text immediately comes up with 'fuck off'. Oh well 😂😂😂
Have a good day my love. Check on you later.
MN Mum.

notthemum you are a Bad Influence - thank heavens!

Oo I say daisies. How can you say that ? 🤔
On the other hand, I've been called worse over the years, so, I'll take that 😉

Just checking on you Maman with ice-cream 🍦🍨🍧 MN mum

@angstridden2

I can understand how hard it is to be incapacitated and have no choice but to be in someone else’s home for weeks on end and it does sound as though your in-laws are difficult. However as a MIL myself I do feel you don’t sound particularly grateful to them for having you to stay and doing so much for you and your child. You’re still happy to take from them both in terms of childcare and financially even though you appear to dislike them intensely. You admit yourself you’re pretty intolerant.

I have to agree with this. I have sympathy with the situation. My Mil is exactly like yours: thinks DH doing 50% is me being lazy and he should relax etc. But hey she's there! I've been recovering from double pneumonia, taking care of 2yo and 4yo, writing a dissertation while DH worked full time and I would have given a body part to be able to have naps and have someone take my kid to the beach for a few hours so I could rest.....