8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

Thanks for reading all through that, random! Therapy is a good idea. I have a great psychiatrist who I haven't felt a need to see in over a year, but it might be good to start back. Usually I feel a need to see her after just seeing the PILs (and even my own parents, come up that!) but I have no idea if DH would agree to come. Maybe if I start working on myself he could come a bit later down the line. He actually has a very decent level of emotional intelligence, I'm pretty sure if I told him the gist of what I wrote last night he'd support me and be glad that I'm working to find a solution.

Thinking about it, I do seem to have problems asserting myself around dominant women. I've worked with some nasty specimens over the years and have never been able to handle them. I end up letting myself get bullied for years until I finally snap. I'm far from being the only family member who has problems with my MIL, but DH is so close to his parents that it's harder for me to keep a distance. We do spend far less time with them than we used to though, so the apron strings are fraying, albeit slowly.

Thank God we live a four hour drive away!

The thing that jumped out at me here was that you, heavily pregnant, with a broken ankle, working on a dissertation, with a toddler, came to stay with your PIL , to "give DH a break". Surely you're the one who needs a break here?! I mean I'm sure he's great but I can't imagine anyone thinking that you dealing with all the above plus a poor relationship with said PILs is easy.

Your MIL does sound like hard work, I honestly don't know how you're coping tbh.

Morning Maman. Wanted to text earlier but thought you might/hoped you would be asleep. Wow, this was all quite a revelation for the early hours.
I hope that today you can remember your thoughts on it all, maybe you could order a lockable notepad (I could send you one if necessary) and you could write down your thoughts, feelings hopes and dreams. Won't be the same as having a mate round to moan at but might help you to get your feelings down on paper and possibly be useful to have if you manage to see the psych.
If not no problem, just keep posting and we all get you through it.
I shan't keep posting all day (don't want you get sick of me 😊) but shall pop in and out just to check on you through the day and as have no job (lost during furlough) will be around for ranting, raving, screaming and even sobbing listening duties if that is what you need.
Take care of you as much as you can. You are a strong woman and you can definately do this. Sending flowers cos I guess it's a bit early for alcohol. 💐💐

I salute you- there is no chance I could every stay with my PIL! Not EVER!

I think speaking up needs to be done otherwise this will just continue.

With regards to turning the baby- look up moxibustion therapy. You may need to do it sooner rather then later.
I had it done but I was slightly too late, very calming and relaxing and I could feel the baby moving a lot more, but she unfortunately didn't turn so I had to have a ECV and she still didn't turn. She's 3 in October and she is still as stubborn 🤣

@bingpot720 it does sound a bit daft, I know! And thank you for saying that. The truth is that DH has been an utter legend since the start of lockdown, but he's stepped up to the mark even more since my accident. However it just wasn't tenable long term. I can't look after myself or DS on my own, and we were starting to worry that DH's boss would start to think we were taking the piss with him never being at work. DH had already been allowed 2 months off on full pay during lockdown (not furlough - compassionate leave!) because DS's preschool had closed, I was pregnant and his boss didn't want to expose us any more than necessary. And he's got another 2 months off booked (paid) for when I give birth.

Me being with the PILs this week meant DH could get back to work properly for a bit, knowing that DS and I are in "good" hands and I can access to a bedroom, bathroom, toilet, kitchen, living room and garden with little to no help. DS is being kept entertained and all my meals are being taken care of. There REALLY was no choice. Plus today is DH's best friend's stag weekend, so I wanted him to let his hair down a bit after the last few weeks/months.

@notthemum you really are a lifesaver! Hope I can return the favour one day. I could never get sick of you - tell me what happened with your job. I had a great job offer too but it got cancelled when Covid hit and I don't know what will happen now. Anyway, I managed 2.5 hours' sleep in the end, feel ok despite a dicky tummy. I'm sure it'll pass though. I like the idea of the lockable diary but tbh coming on here is just as therapeutic. There's no way MIL will get to read my posts (she's not a native English speaker so I should be safe) and being on the laptop, I just tell them I'm writing my dissertation. And it's really nice to hear other people's thoughts. I often convince myself that every negative thing they say about me is true, so it's good to hear some outside views!

I ordered a bottle of wine named after my DS that I'm going to give them as a thank you for looking after me, which arrived today. In fact I ordered two bottles, one for them, one for me, and I will be drinking the bloody lot once I give birth. I once also brought a bottle of wine back from the USA called Bitch, it probably tastes like vinegar by now but it feels like the right time to open that up too, once I've got the breast pump up and running. But flowers are a wonderful replacement until then, thank you!

As MIL bitches about everyone but is desperate for access to your DS and DH I wouldn't bite your tongue as much. Perhaps when she says uncalled for things you can just state "that was unkind and uncalled for" if she responds you can just reply "let's leave it there and I will discuss it with DH"

You do need to pull her up on her behaviour because DS is witnessing it. Not necessarily in a confrontational way but a standard response that shows she is being out of order and to STFU.

It's a tough line to get the tone right I know but you would most likely find it very empowering. Now you see her for the EV she is it will be easier to detach and say something.

If she is nasty towards you you can calmly say "How do you think DH will feel about you saying/doing/behaving like that towards me the mother of his DC"

I am not saying you use contact with your DC as a weapon but if she refuses to be civil/kind towards you then the natural consequence is that she will see less of them.

Oh bollox. I started huge message and was just reading through, pressed the wrong button and lost the bleeding lot.
So, will save some for later/another time.
Good that English is not PILs first language cos you will be able to write what you like 👍. Remember that this is a win a d every little win brings you one step closer to Freedom 🎉🎉
Used to have my own business but loved the job too much and ended up with clients owing me a lot of money and nearly lost my house so had to give it up.
Worked in a nursery for a couple of months but I'm afraid that being 'taught to change nappies by girls less than half my age was probably never going to work. As it was zero hours they sent and said they didn't need me.
Am hoping to nanny now instead.
Moving in with DP in the next few weeks, he's not overly bothered if I don't work but I want to have my own money.
Popping up to shop for lottery, you never know and I could certainly find something to spend it on. Bet you're relieved that I lost the last one now cos it was even longer. 🙄
Will check back in later. 😁

Just back from lunch. It was really weird. Nobody was in much of a mood for conversation, I don't know why. PILs certainly didn't seem on form, as they were last night. I sat and made a bit of conversation, though was clearly in pain (grimacing and holding my leg, though heaven forbid I should say anything as MIL never once complained when she had her 2 hip replacements). I left the table after the main course because my leg is throbbing so much. Asked them for my ice pack as I can't have any more painkillers for at least 2 hours, and there wasn't much point hanging around for the fruit or chocolate cake dessert since I've already had diarrhoea twice today.

At one point MIL said 'penny for your thoughts' and I just said, 'I'm wondering why the paracetamol has worn off after only 2 hours instead of 5 or 6!' Nothing inflammatory - just letting them know that I'm in pain, exactly like I was at lunchtime yesterday. She told me to think about something else. Ok then.

I'm convinced I'm being blamed for this strange atmosphere. I can hear them talking in the room next door and FIL is annoyed about something. I'm SURE it's me. Can't make out what they're saying because it's not in English and the radio is blaring behind them, but you know when you Just Know?

Pretty sure I heard FIL say 'thank God DH is arriving in a couple of days'.

The only thing that I might have done to upset them is to spend too much time in my room this morning working on the dissertation (ok, on MN), like I do most days. I can't do anything with DS anyway so I left him to them - which was the whole point of coming here. Or perhaps it's because I've declined to go to the beach with them and DS this afternoon (want to actually do some dissertation work and the nurse comes at 5.30-6 anyway for my anticoagulants).

When they've been like this in the past, it's because they feel I'm not participating enough, or they seem to detect an attitude on my part which just isn't accurate. They no doubt think that I'm coming across as miserable and don't want to be here. I'm supposed to always be bright and cheery - God forbid I should be in a considerate amount of pain or have stomach issues, not to mention be 34 weeks pregnant with a breech baby. Whereas DH can sit here saying nothing all day and that's absolutely fine.

I can see it all kicking off this afternoon when I wake up from my nap. It wouldn't be the first time. I have absolutely NO idea what I will do. DH is at the other end of the country and I have no way of getting home, or anyone to help even if I manage to get there. I'd probably have to leave DS here and potentially not see him for 2 weeks.

I'm completely fucked.

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but this is ridiculous. It's grand that your DH has stepped up over the last few months but frankly so has everybody else in the country, and I think it would help you cope with this situation if you toned down the hero-worship a bit. He needs to get you out of this situation (and who on earth is having a stag weekend right now?!).

When the solution is worse than the original problem then something has to change.

Hi maman. Hadn't intended to post til possibly later but just noticed you are having quite a shit day today.
Here's a couple of little phrases for when they are driving you nuts, even if you have to say them in your head.
STFU. = shut the fck up
URFM = you are fking mad
NOURN = Not on your nelly.
Or you could just try
Piss off
Mind your own business or (this will really piss them off)
Smile at them and say thank you so much, every chance you get. I guarantee it will drive them insane.
Christ I am so petty. Will check on you later but text in meantime if you need to. 😉

It sounds like you’re in a really tough situation, OP, and you have my sympathies - but wtf is your DH doing on a stag weekend right now?!

Hope your ok op xx

Hi Maman, just thought I'd check on you before I went to bed. Shan't be sleeping for a while, so here if you need me.
Hope you are OK ?

hi all, and thanks for your words of support.

Just to clear up - I'm not in the UK and lockdown ended for us nearly 6 weeks ago. The 'stag weekend' as I've called it is basically DH and his two best mates hunkering down in the groom's basement with a large bottle of whiskey and a Playstation for a couple of days. There was some travel involved but everything is above board and within the rules here.

As for me, things have taken something of a drastic turn. After my last post, I worked myself up into a right state, crying and heart racing, expecting to have to defend myself in an argument with the PILs after the atmosphere at lunch. I was pretty sure they were going to pull me up on some form of 'unacceptable behaviour' - they've most probably decided that I clearly don't want to be in their house and am behaving rudely somehow The fact is I'm ok with being in their house, I'm extremely grateful to them for their hospitality, but I'm constantly in fight or flight mode around them. I just want to be left in peace to recuperate, get some rest before giving birth and write my dissertation. I don't need uninformed and irrelevant opinions constantly foisted on me about MY vbac/ELCS, or how much I should be using my Zimmer frame. I'm always being told how to live my life or having my parental decisions questioned and undermined. This has been going on for years but I'm very vulnerable right now, and I don't have the strength with everything else going on. All conversations are in their language, meaning I'm constantly on the backfoot, and my DH isn't even here to support me emotionally or to help argue back/translate.

So anyway. Everybody got up, I suspected that an atmosphere was still lingering so went to the loo and had yet more diarrhoea (sorry for the tmi). They called to say they were taking DS for a walk and could tell by my reply that something was up. I said I'd been having diarrhoea since early morning (true), was in the middle of a hot flush and had had some nausea too.

To cut a long story short, rather than call out a doctor I asked MIL to take me to the maternity ward up the road as I knew they'd check out the baby too and not just throw Imodium at me. It was also a chance to get a professional opinion about turning the baby without MIL finding out about it.

The midwife took me into another room, didn't seem too interested in the diarrhoea/nausea but then I burst into tears and told her everything. That I'm stressed out to the eyeballs, I have 2 weeks to go with the PILs, no way of going home, nobody to help even if I managed to get there, no way of taking DS with me and that DH doesn't get here until Tuesday. She was wonderful, took it all down and told me not to worry. She got the doctor, told him that I was highly stressed and needed a break from the toxic PILs. He was great and went to tell MIL that he's diagnosed me with low blood pressure and was going to keep me in for a night or two for observation. The staff all know the real reason of course - what heroes!

I feel like such a fraud though, writing this from my hospital bed. I didn't ACTUALLY hear the PILs talking about me earlier, but I've been in this situation with them so many times before that I'm in little doubt that they were slagging me off. Baby and I are fine, but this sort of last resort is for women suffering from DV, not those being pushed to their limits by their PILs.

The midwives keep reassuring me that my stay is completely justified, I need to rest (I've only slept 6 hours in the last 2 days) in a stress-free environment and that they will keep the PILs out if I don't want to see them - although I'll have to let them in if I want to see DS, which I desperately do. Plus I can stay until Monday if I want, which seems a bit drastic!

At the end of the day, I was the one who worked myself up into a state of panic. It was my own doing, rightly or wrongly, but certainly as a direct result of expecting yet more unpleasantness with the PILs. Getting myself signed into hospital feels way over the top, and I'm not sure I can ever admit the truth to DH, but I keep telling myself that at least I'm not stressed here and that being stress-free is absolutely necessary given that I'm due to have a baby in the next 6 weeks!

Hi OP. What a day. I hope you're able to get some proper rest tonight.

Just on the stag thing, though - I didn't query why your DH was on a stag weekend because of the lockdown. I queried it because you are under absolutely enormous stress and in my humble opinion he should be with you and supporting you, not playing Playstation (and I am married to a gamer!).

@PlumsInTheIcebox no worries - it was just because you were the second person to mention it so wanted to clear it up!

I wanted DH to go on the weekend and even arranged it so he could stay an extra day. The groom is DS's godfather, I love him dearly but can't go to the wedding as it's close to my due date. He and DH really do deserve some time together, and as far as DH is aware, DS and I are being well looked after my his parents. So there was no reason to not go.

Looking back on my posts, it does sound like I hero worship DH but that's not actually true. My own mother keeps telling me what a gem he is. You'll just have to trust me on the how and why!

He doesn't know anything that's been going on this last week as I've made an effort to keep it from him, for once. Hence being on MN so much. Normally I spend my life complaining to him about his mother, but this time I didn't think it was fair as, once again, she's been very kind taking me in, and I wanted him to have his boys' weekend without having to worry about me. But I will tell him when he gets here, although I'll stick to the official line about low blood pressure regarding the hospital stay. For now.

He is SO close to his parents. Last time I had a major falling out with them, I didn't speak to them for the best part of a year and it tore him to pieces. I'd never make him choose between me or them, but I will remove myself from them if they push me hard enough. If they continue with their crap over the next few days, I might well end up asking DH to take me home and telling them I don't want to see them after I've had the baby, even though they're supposed to be staying at ours to babysit DS while I'm in hospital. I'll get someone else, and they can see the baby with DH in a coffee shop or something. It'll be very, very hard to pull off and it will cause serious ructions in my marriage, but I have to protect myself from these toxic people.

@notthemum you're a star, thank you! Been pouring my heart out once again.. MN users must be getting sick of my long essays by now

Hi Maman, I am glad you are safe.
I may well get flamed for this but you need the rest so stay put til Monday.
I know you won't be keen and the in-laws are a bloody pitta but I'm sure they love little one and will look after
him and you can't deny that you need the break.
Try and get some rest. Will text tomorrow. If hospital there anything like here they will wait until you go to sleep then wake you up to see if you want pain killers or sleeping tablets.
Here I'm sneaking you in some chocolate 🍫 and some hot choc 🍿with cream too.

I am glad you are in a place where you are being cared for and so is DS.
Try to get some sleep.💐

. You're very hard on yourself. I'm relieved to read you're safe, being able to rest and are being looked after. I certainly don't feel PIL's are bending over backwards to be helpful but I do think they are trying to be. Lots of excellent suggestions to try. DH needs to ensure the building work to enable you to return home is prioritised and completed first.

@notthemum ohhh thanks for the chocolate!! That reminds me, MIL will probably have found the secret stash I brought from home while packing my overnight stuff. Their freezer is in the garage, which is hard for me to access, and she said on Saturday that she'd bought me some Magnums but would be monitoring/limiting my ice cream consumption while I'm visiting. I think she was sort-of joking... but not really. I'm already prevented from eating/drinking my favourite things from the pregnancy, chocolate has been the only thing left to get me through the last few months!!

This sort of shitty comment has become such par for the course over the years that I barely notice how out of order it is any more. Isn't it telling that I decided to bring a secret stash of Lindt to hide in my room and avoid any confrontation?

This is SO cathartic writing it all down. I need a list because DH doesn't see any of this as being abnormal. It's what he's grown up with, although HE could eat as much chocolate as he wanted and they'd probably not breathe a word to the Golden Child.

@AbbieLexie you've just reminded me. The builder is this week replacing the crappy metal stairs that I fell down when I broke my ankle. It was already planned before my accident and I'm so paranoid watching DS and DH using them now that it's become urgent (I'm ok because I currently have to climb them on my bum!) He needs an empty house to do it, so I really can't go home just yet. I'll have to suck up a few more days, but at least then I can prove to DH that I did try to make it work.

And thanks for saying that I'm being too hard on myself. I do that a lot but rarely notice. At least now it's the thought of the baby that's driving my actions, I'd never have come to hospital for my own sake!

I feel like such a fraud though, writing this from my hospital bed...Baby and I are fine, but this sort of last resort is for women suffering from DV, not those being pushed to their limits by their PILs.

Doctors and nurses do not admit women to hospital because they feel sorry for them. The HCPs have made a clinical decision that you were under so much stress that remaining in that situation would have harmed you, or your baby, or both. You have got to tell your DH at least some of what is going on.

Morning Maman, how you doing this morning ?
As a poster said last night or early hours the hospital staff would definitely not have told you to stay if they were not sure you needed to.
I am going to meet a family today regarding a nanny job it's not until 3pm and hoping dp will drop me off. Will have to find some flipping clothes that now fit me as have been in (large) jeans or baggy leggings right through lock down.
OMG. I wish we were at least on the same continent. I would bring you CHOCOLATE.
Who the hell does MIL think she is. How dare she monitor your consumption. I'm afraid that I would have to tell her to f**k off.
If I am in the mood no one is getting between me and a bloody chocolate bar.
Get as much rest as you can. I will check in on you through the day if that's OK. I won't be offended if not.
I just can't bear hospitals, but you obviously need the peace. 🍫🍫🍫

You need to stay there, the level of stress you are under is so harmful for you and baby.

I would tell your DH exactly what has happened when you have the opportunity to speak in person alone and exactly why you needed to stay in. Please make him read the book "toxic parents" and "toxic in laws" I think your in laws will keep up the golden child syndrome with your DS and your DD treated less because they have no idea how to be different...

You could not win, however you behaved would have been criticised and sniped at.

Once the stairs are replaced you go home.

@notthemum @RandomMess thank you so much of you for sticking with me through this, I'm very far from friends and family and it's really kind of you to keep checking in on me

Mum do you want to come and be our nanny? Then I wouldn't need MIL to babysit while I give birth Good luck with the outfit this afternoon!

Random I've read both, not sure I can persuade DH to but I'll see if any translated versions exist to make it easier to insist. I've been thinking a lot about what you said re. couples therapy. It could be the way to go, depending on his reaction to this episode.

I'm pretty sure he would agree that I did the right thing in coming to the hospital for the baby's sake and getting my stress levels down. But he will struggle to see or accept that it's entirely down to his parents. He'll just say that I get stressed too easily. Perhaps he's right, but I have been putting up with this for YEARS and so the stress has no doubt accumulated. This is far from being a one off, it's just blown up now because I'm pregnant, alone and less able to cope with it.

It's true that people stress me out easily - evil bosses, angry road users and so on. That's just the way I am. I'd love to more assertive and not let the bastards get me down, but that's just not who I am. I hate confrontation, hence the panic yesterday. But I have had some exchanges with MIL over the years that would make your jaws drop. Where to begin?!!!

What makes it difficult is that his parents can be extremely kind, fun-loving and generous. That's how I get drawn back in each time. MN has been great in teaching me the meaning of emotional abuse over the years, so I'm finally starting to see that it's NOT necessarily my fault when things kick off. But what I think I do need to explain to DH is that toxic people are like allergies: if he eats mushrooms, he gets a reaction whereas I don't. Other people can spend time with his parents without feeling stressed, whereas I can't.

I would add that several of DH's family members/friends have told me that they struggle with my PILs too and they don't know how I do it. Can't easily break those confidences though, it would be vindictive and I don't think DH would appreciate knowing how his cousins/aunts/friends really feel about his parents...