8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

Morning! (I think somebody got out of bed on the wrong side today)
Glad your decadent, hedonistic weekend did the job, maman. I'm not worrying about pp's who insist on seeing the world in black and white, although I was happy to have another go at explaining (again) while you were off grid. Notthemum is right, I am a truly terrible person. Tea anyone?
Right that's enough socialising, these crutches won't take themselves downstairs.

I didn't mean for my message to come across as a real poke nose. Hahaha I didn't want your exact address and blood type.
I just hope your ankle is doing better now and things are going ok back at the PILs

Hi Maman. Hope you are doing well.
In light of your last couple of messages, Wow. What can I say ?
" that bloody told them."
I have spent the day with a couple of little kids that I used to look after. They are sweet but I am knackered now.
I'm going to have a rest for a bit, shall be around though if needed.
Your Cheerleading MN Mum.
Hello Daises.

Hi guys, just checking in before I go to bed, glad it's quietened down around here because I need an early night 😴

Hi @notthemum and @pickingdaisies, just wanted to check in before I call it a night. I had a good night's sleep for once last night, and a decent nap this afternoon, so I'm feeling better and better. Hope you've had a bit of rest tonight mum and that your DP's rear will be kinder to you this evening than it was the other night!!

And no problem @PopsicleHustler, I'm unfortunately a bit too happy to answer questions sometimes but today didn't seem a good time

The lovely nurse came by this afternoon for my anticoagulants, we're the same age with a DS each and get on like an absolute house on fire. I was home alone so told her the truth about the hospital stay. She was brilliant and said "I KNEW something was up!"  Apparently her colleague had commented the day before that I was looking completely frazzled, they'd both detected some stress in the house, and then when MIL asked her to check my blood pressure that day after I got home, she quietly suspected that it was on the high side for someone who'd just spent 3 nights in hospital for the opposite. So here's a  to all the lovely HCPs over here who've been taking care of me too.

Almost nothing to tell you today, apart from something that DH said that has made my day. At the table before, you know who remarked on how much I huff and puff at the slightest movement these days. Could be down to being 36 weeks tomorrow (🙈), or the effort of getting from wheelchair to dining chair, I've no idea, but I genuinely hadn't noticed and don't care that I'm doing it. Two weeks ago I'm sure I'd have taken the remark as a dig, but somehow - and I've no idea how - I've magically stopped giving a shit overnight. I strongly suspect it's at least in part down to you two cheerleaders with your bad influence!

Happily, the comment totally washed over me (😃) and as DH was helping me to my room afterwards he whispered: 'just checking that you didn't take that to heart, did you? It wasn't meant nastily, it was just an observation!'

So I'm thrilled that he's seeing for himself now that what might be meant as innocent comments do actually get to me, rightly or wrongly, and stoke up my anxiety. I'm definitely getting better at dealing with it after all these years, and now he's getting better at spotting it as it happens, so I don't have to point it out to him later, or deal with it alone. It feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel finally, and that alone is making me much more relaxed, happy and calm. I finally feel ready to concentrate on my last month of pregnancy.

Four days to go, lots to keep me busy in that time and hand on heart, I feel a different person to the one who first posted 15 days ago.

Just need to sort out childcare for when I initially go into labour now - ready when you are, MN Mum!

So glad that you are feeling so much better and supported

Ok, who are you and what have you done with maman? 😁 Amazing the difference a weekend away and a good night's sleep can make. Treasure and protect that new don't-give-a-shit attitude, it will serve you well. Not long to go now, and your lovely DH has got your back. Oh, and when my ankle was still in a fracture boot, I was huffing and puffing every time I had to move it, because it was heavy and it hurt. I didn't realise I was doing it either, until my DH asked if I was ok! Hope you all have a lovely day today
Sending gin for mnmum to help her through the childminding

I have been lurking a bit in this thread, but thought i would pop up to give you some 💐 and a suggestion I have seen other posters make on threads with tricky MILs.

Its Secret Bingo and is even better if played with DH. You make a list of all the things you think she will fuss/moan/nag about every morning before you leave your room, and then you get 10 bingo points for everyone you notice and 20 points if you can not get riled up by it. You and DH compare points whenever you can. For every 100 points, you get a choc treat at the end of the day. But DH doesnt get the extra 10 point for not getting irritated, so he wont get as much choc. (He also has to buy in the supplies!)

It takes the focus off what she is saying and lightens things up a little for your benefit

Dear Maman,
I'm so happy to read some of your most recent updates, particularly the one where your DH asked you if you were offended by another catty comment. (I'm sorry I took a break from MN but I did think of you! Took me a while to catch up on the full thread!)
I also really reflected on all this confusion of PPs saying that some of our responses are cheerleading you into being rude or ungrateful and I want to address that (not cos I'm worried it's true, but because I'm worried you might think it's true).
This is how far I think you've come in the last week or two:

1. In your first few posts you talked about how you might be the one with the problem with being "oversensitive" and how the catty comments are just your "personal allergy". Aaargh! But I don't think you think this any more (yay!)
2. Your DH seemed to think the above too, gasp. Now he is noticing his mum's malicious comments and sympathising with you (yay!)
3. Your DH didn't really get how much you were suffering (went on the stag do, grumped on his first night back about you being on your phone at night). Now he gets it and will fetch a different flavour of ice cream for you. Good!
4. When you first got to the PIL's for this visit, your first few nights you were staying in your room miserably to keep out of their way and to try to avoid their comments. Now you are having ice cream in the sunshine. Progress!

On the other hand, it does sound like you've retorted rudely occasionally to your PILs recently - so what?! You've been pushed way too far and we're all only human. None of us are encouraging you to be rude, just to understand that you don't deserve their, well, martyrish bullying. The analogy you said about your MIL goving you the shirt off her back but telling you you were too overweight for it - this about sums it up. She wants to look like the saint but doesn't actually want to make you happy, and takes active steps to avoid making you happy. One final thing before I end this enormous post haha. Your FIL and the phone thing is incredibly scientifically incorrect. Phones use microwave signals which are non ionising and cannot harm a baby, foetus or anything. Neither can the radiation from modern TVs, telecom masts, microwave ovens etc. The only parts of the spectrum that are ionising (can cause cancer) are UV (eg from the Sun, so do insist on that hat for DS), X rays, and gamma rays. Very old cathode ray televisions (the enormous boxes they had in the 70s 80s) used cathode ray technology which produced trace X rays and were harmful. Modern TVs and phones don't. I'm a physicist and it saddens me greatly to see this misinformation on the internet go unchallenged. Hehe thanks for letting me go off on this (important!) tangent. You can Google more about it if you like. Best wishes and hang in there until you can leave that house!! Xxxx Umberta

Ps the TL/DR for the second half of my post is: you can do no harm to your baby whatsoever by keeping your phone in your pocket (flight mode or not). I think you're absolutely right that if you're disabled or even just heavily PG you should keep it on you in case of a fall.
TL/DR for the first half of my post: I think you're doing great, Maman

Bollocks. I was just reading through my message, pressed the wrong button again and off it fucked.
Maman I am so proud of you. You have definitely turned into the strong beautiful woman I told you you were when the thread started. Wish you were in UK then I would definitely come and nanny for you.
I love the idea of the MIL bingo but think that may be a step too far for Dh at moment but he is getting there 💐🍰🍧
Daises. Not minding anymore but had the family for 15 years so they are like my own. I am happy to accept the gin though. Thanks very much.
Have some 🍰

Ooh ta, notthemum! Maman, you are now in the middle of a proud sandwich between me and your mnmum
Carry on, my lovely

You guys - what can I say? You're all absolutely fabulous. To give such complete and sincere support to a total stranger on an online forum the way you have, and with such kinds words... I really wish I was in a position to send you some and IRL to say thank you properly. You have a vague idea of where I'm based now so don't hesitate to drop me a DM if you're ever on this side of the water and I promise there will be plenty of RL on me!!

Loving the "proud sandwich", too

I've stayed off the thread a bit these last 2 days because a) things are SO much better than they were that I don't need to check in as often and b) because while I might have grown a thicker skin towards my PILs, it's still easy to wobble slightly when I get posts from random new arrivals telling me that I've been rude and ungrateful. Posts like those could easily put me back where I was 2 weeks ago but you guys stepped in yet again to bat them off and keep my head above water, and I'm now getting better at letting those comments wash over me too.

@umberta (welcome back!), you hit the nail on the head with everything you said in your post. It's good to have a perspective from someone who's been away these last few days and missed the mini bunfight - you're right in that I did start to question myself and wonder if those things might be true. It was only when I realised that bullying needs to be slapped down regardless of whose house you're in that I thought 'bollocks to them'. As you say, we're all only human and I've put up with plenty enough over the years.

I could so easily have started to lose my new-found confidence but between your post and the unfailing support from my lovely cheerleaders mum and daisies, you've all talked sense into me and not let me be dragged back down to where I was. Same goes for random's post last night. I'm really, really grateful to all of you..

Also very intrigued by this microwave signal info! I was beyond crap at physics in school so am very happy to be put right on the phone in pocket score. I could try to explain what you say to FIL but I'm pretty sure he'd rather not believe me, so I'll let him carry on happily in his own little world. As long as he's not giving me grief about it (which has completely stopped since I answered back the other night!) he can remain in ignorant bliss. It does go against the grain but I'll save it for when the subject pops again a few years down the line, as I'm sure it will (I'll put it on my FIL Bingo card!)

@SeaToSki thanks for lurking and joining in! I did laugh at the bingo idea but suspect mum is right in that it's a bit too early days for my DH just yet It's funny how part of the reason I ended up in such a state was because I was anticipating all of the snipes and comments - I was just never strong enough to turn it into a game. I might suggest a game to DH with my own mother though, he'd think it hilarious. She can't go 10 minutes without offering him a bite to eat - I could make him a bingo card with meal, drink and snack suggestions instead of numbers, I know he'll crack up laughing.

Tonight has actually been quite lovely... I had bad Braxton Hicks start up just before dinner time, with the old period pain, hot flushes and feeling of needing diarrhoea (ooh, have I got another 4 weeks of this to look forward to? Yay.) and the paracetamol took long enough to kick in that I told DH that he'd better not drink any more, just in case I needed to get checked out. The PILs didn't seem to notice that I was in quite a lot of discomfort and just commented (not nastily) that I seemed very tired for someone who'd spent the whole afternoon in bed asleep or on my computer. My hero DH jumped in and said, 'well yeah, is it any wonder? Her body's working hard to repair itself, she's 36 weeks pregnant on top, which is exhausting in itself, and the baby's not giving her a minute''s peace. I'd amazed if she WASN'T completely knackered!'

HURRAH FOR DH!!!

After that, the evening completely changed. We started talking about British humour/old TV shows that they like and I introduced them to some YouTube videos of Morecambe & Wise and Les Dawson (I left out his MIL jokes - for now! ) and we had a very pleasant evening laughing away. It's so completely different to what it was 2 weeks ago that I can barely believe what's happened in that time.

Midwife appointment tomorrow to check that I'm ok to travel home on Monday and see if the baby's still head-down. I've had something sticking in my ribs all day but I'm just not thinking about what body part it might be. The most important thing is, barring anything hitting the fan over these next three days, that we've all survived three weeks together under the same roof!!!

Your PIL really can't help themselves with the sniping comments can she? It's sooooo draining reading them - no wonder you have been ground down by them over the years!!!

Glad DH is stepping up to protect you.

One day perhaps I'll make it over for a

Well done Maman. Let us know how you get on. (if you like) hope all is well.
MN Mum

Baby is still head down and definitely trying to engage. Midwife says ok to go home on Monday!!!

🤩😃🥂🥳💃👩‍🦽🌹💫🍾🚄🏠🎈🎊🎉❤️👶

Hurrah!!!!!

Woohoo!
Go maman, go maman, Ra Ra Ra!!!!
Too much? Nah! xxx

This fucking phone is driving me crazy. This is the 4th message I've tried but it keeps erasing them and it has eaten all my bloody emojis.
Maman, this is all Fabulous, FGS be careful this weekend cos we do ñot wañt any more hospital this week
You are Amazing. 💐🍧 Ha, some seem to be back

Just checking in with my favourite cheerleaders as it would be rude to suddenly disappear!

All good here. Spent a fair part of the day in my room and only felt a tiny bit guilty. TBH having guests for dinner last night and again for lunch today was pretty exhausting, so I told myself not to feel bad. It was noted this evening that I'd spent most of the day "in bed", but I batted it away - I'd also been doing stuff on my computer, like finding our joint birthday gift for DH's cousin and ordering a massive bouquet for MIL to say thanks for having me so not just sleeping. I explained (again) that it's too uncomfortable to be in any other position these days - sitting up makes my foot swell and trying to elevate it is not great with my 36+2 belly. So I'll very likely be lying down a lot until I get my cast off on Friday. End Of Discussion.

Daisies, are you still in your cast? Would love to know what to expect once it's off. A stinky white chicken leg, I guess?

Managed to have a conversation tonight about vbacs vs C sections without my getting utterly steamrollered, so that's how far we've all come since the start of this thread ^^ I don't know if household stress levels in general have come down, or if I'm just less hormonal and able to deflect things better. Probably both. In any case, this new thick skin makes a huge difference - I've stopped caring/assuming that everything is a personal dig, and take almost nothing to heart. Plus I feel like I'm giving as good as I get now, language barrier or not.

Just hope this new Badass Maman hangs around for PIL interactions in the future 😈

Just over 36 hours to go before I get home. Can't believe I've actually made it to the end. Hope you cheerleaders have got your pom-poms ready to greet me at the station on Monday morning!!

You've really come a long way maman, it's giving me a lovely warm glow. I think, because you have grown a thicker skin, you are less defensive, which means that mil in turn can relax a bit. Everybody wins! Can't help about the cast, because I was never given one. I was given a walking boot ,( but I wasn't allowed to walk on it for 3 weeks). The boot is off now and the fracture is healed. Still need crutches though, and still painful. I've definitely got one leg skinnier than the other!

Hi Maman, lovely to hear from you. I expect you are so excited about tomorrow. You have done amazing.
Will certainly send whatever stupid phone will let me in the morning.
Be careful for rest of the day and if there is any nonsense just let it wash over you with a smile and a "whatever" you know you've got this.
💐💐🍰🍧🍫
MN Mum

It's MONDAY!!!!

It is. Looks like my emojis are fixed so I'm looking for pom poms. 😁 Bet Maman is so excited she has been up all night

Give me a M
Give me an A
Give me a M
Give me an. A
Give me a N
What have you got ?
MAMAN ❣️💞

🎉🎊 🤸‍♂️🤸‍♀️ 💐💐🍰🥧🍨🍷🍸🍻🍫
(couldn't find any pom poms)

Oi Daises, do your Rah Rah thing.

Welcome home my lovely. You have been a star. Make sure you take good care of you and the poppets and hubs does too.
Will be around somewhere if you need/want me.
Happy to message any time.
Let us know how every thing goes (if you like)
Loads of love and unmumsnetty hugs.
MN Mum xx