8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

Yet another MIL bashing thread from a mum of a son, someone who will one day possibility be a MIL herself. Have I I understood correctly that you're livid with your MIL for things like spoon feeding your DS yet are happy to leave DS in the care of her and FIL for you and your DH to have a pre-baby spa weekend away? She can't be that bad then can she?

Your kid, your rules. I'm sure you'd say your house, your rules too? But their house, not their rules?

@SociallyDistanced2020

Yet another MIL bashing thread from a mum of a son, someone who will one day possibility be a MIL herself. Have I I understood correctly that you're livid with your MIL for things like spoon feeding your DS yet are happy to leave DS in the care of her and FIL for you and your DH to have a pre-baby spa weekend away? She can't be that bad then can she?

No, you haven't understood correctly. RTFT.

SociallyDistanced2020
FFS. Why come on to have a go when you can't be bothered to RTFT

Love to read the MIL's version of this on Gransnet

Am going to bed shortly Maman but will have phone on if you want/need anything. MN mummy

Thanks @notthemum. DH is here next to me. Haven't said anything yet. He arrived just as dinner was being served and then he and MIL started talking about having a go at their board game after the meal, which takes hours. So much for 'being by my side' when he got back.

So I just took myself off to bed and had a little cry. He came in for a cuddle but didn't ask how this week has been or anything. We just talked about baby names, of all things.

They didn't play their game, he's been here in my room with me since and we're both just reading quietly. But I've realised it's not going to be easy to talk to him, certainly not while we're in this house. It might have to wait until we go home but not sure I can hold out for 12/13 days. I've been quite tearful this evening but I'm just letting him think it's hormones for the time being.

It's not going to be easy. I should have known - he always resists conversations like the one we need to have. I was hoping we could go out together tomorrow morning but looks like FIL might end up coming with us 🤦‍♀️

I feel bad writing this with him right next to me, but there's where we're up to. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm sorry honey, hope you get to talk soon. I am here any time you want me. Try and get a little rest. 💐

He's annoyed that I "don't seem happy to see him".

Told him that the board game discussion had pissed me off, after he'd said he would be right by my side. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to take that literally?

Also said that I'd told him on the phone that I was fragile so what did he expect, cheers and a red carpet? Balloons?

I've been on my own for 10 days and spent 3 nights in hospital while he was having fun. Of course I'm glad to see him.

I know I need to spell it out for him but such a can of worms...

Of course he is annoyed. He is at the end of the day a mere man. Some of them can do the emotional bit and some of them can't.
He has been on a plane so he is tired and I'm afraid conditioned by MIL to expect to be the centre of the world. It's a huge shock when they are not.
Please try to rest. You have come so far. Don't let them between them put you back in the box. Try and get out with him tomorrow. Hope the weekend is still on. X

Every single word in your last post is spot on, MN Mum.

He's just turned round and said he can't sleep in here with me. This crappy sofa bed is small and uncomfortable, plus I'm wide awake again, so he's gone off to our usual room upstairs. I knew he probably would do - he did say earlier that he might, so it's not a surprise.

What's worrying is that I'm glad he's gone. My mind was churning with him here, so I came to read MN as a distraction and my phone light disturbed him. And he's Exhausted, thank you very much. I can read nice a book now he's gone, to switch my mind off everything else.

But he's clearly annoyed with me, and when his parents tell him that I've been 'moody' (aka depressed and miserable) all week he'll no doubt agree with them that the problem is me. That's what usually happens, until we're alone and I can talk sense into him. Never mind that I might have valid reasons for being moody, such as being heavily pregnant, immobile and unable to sleep or manoeuvre easily because of my growing size, pain in my foot and increasingly uncomfortable Braxton Hicks.

Friends are arriving tomorrow night until Thursday midday so that will be a welcome distraction.

The weekend is still on (so far) and MIL has agreed to have a DS. Will have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

This environment is suffocating.

Deep breath. Count to ten, nice slow breaths in and out. Let it all go until tomorrow. Concentrate on a peaceful night. You may even get some sleep

Thanks daisies. Already feeling closer to being able to sleep now that he's gone. It's a worrying thought, but true.

Don't know what I would have done without my MN friends this week. Thank you x

I'm finally starting to see that, while he is genuinely a good husband and really takes care of me and DS at home, I need to start putting myself first a bit more forcefully. He needs to get his head out of his parents' world and see that they way they behave towards me is not normal, and far from it.

I hope this evening has gone well for you and that you and DS are managing ok.

Gently and respectfully, I would add to your own words that as much as he needs to get his head out of his parents world, you might need to get your head out of his. A heavily pregnant and injured wife, a toddler and parents with previous for as we say in my country ‘acting the maggot’ and he happily sails off to play PlayStation for the weekend. Not cool.
It’s worth remembering that in a family who have form for an unusual Lack of empathy in their relationships you will be called upon to behave in a certain way as to make sure they don’t lose face. Remember that. there must be some amount of cognitive dissonance at play for you to have agree to stay with them in the first place.

Oh maman your update has made me so sad. I hope your DH behaves differently to you today. Your whole message just made me think gosh, does he...care about you? You are going to have to "talk sense into him" to convince him you have a valid reason for being moody...? Does he always have such a lack of empathy around injured and wheelchair-bound or pregnant people (let alone his own wife)? He was exhausted and your phone light disturbed him...!
Are you able to get out of there somewhere safe where people care about you and would look after you warmly. Do you have other friends or relatives you could stay with? Even if you left your DS with your DH for a bit.
I hope you have slept well. I don't want to make too big a deal of this, cos you need to be relaxed and happy for your birth, but, truly, it is not normal how unkind/uncaring your DH and his parents are being to you. I wish I could share my in laws with you, who would be catering your every craving, sympathising with every whinge, propping you up with cushions and foot rests and still telling you you're a heroine. Mine do all that for me, and did the same for my DH when his leg was in a cast last year. And so would my mum and pretty much any relatives and friends I would stay with. Either on its own would merit that treatment and you have both! I'm just so sorry and sad for you. Perhaps the visitors will model better behaviour for them...! But if you can get out of there and stay with other people, not your DH, please do that. You deserve so so much better.

Thanks bosco for your gentleness your post too has been an eye opener.

I've had 4 hours' sleep, which is becoming standard (slept FAR better in hospital - what a coincidence) so I've had a good read up on what you say about cognitive dissonance. You're absolutely right. (I'm intrigued by this 'acting the maggot' saying!)

Weirdly, I was somewhat looking forward to coming here for 3 weeks because I knew it would help with the wheelchair situation, but I should have listened to the tiny voice in my gut that said 'THREE WEEKS with the PILs? That'll be hell!' That said, I genuinely couldn't see an alternative. If it were just me I might have gone to a hotel, but I can't look after DS as well. And within hours of my arriving here, it had started.

I'm really struggling now to pinpoint why it's so difficult because on the face of it, they're absolutely wonderful. Looking after DS, cooking all our meals, trying to make me comfortable with my bad leg, etc. MIL has taken the hint from yesterday about the slightest noise waking me up and is currently creeping around the kitchen.
I need hard examples to show myself (and perhaps eventually DH) that I'm not going mad, and that I'm not necessarily an ungrateful, selfish bitch of a DIL, even though I've been struggling with this for at least 10 years. Luckily I have this thread to look back on, and you guys are helping me face up to the truth.

I'm thinking of writing down separately all the things that I can think of that have happened over the years that I consider not normal and hurtful. I don't like the idea of a 'shit list' but I think it will help with the FOG. The problems have been amplified since DS came along, and I'm wondering what will happen after bringing a new baby granddaughter into the mix. I think few people would say it's normal for a grandparent to decree that an 11 week old baby is sleeping in their room tonight ("because DH is tired and needs to sleep") against the mother's wishes - who is by that point too exhausted to fight back against MIL and DH, and lets it go. The worst part about that story is that DS apparently didn't want his 3am feed that night (problem with a new bottle, but we didn't realise at first) and so MIL declared he no longer needed night feeds, even though I wanted them to continue. Guess who won.

I've mentioned this story because it makes me see that I'm my own worst enemy. I get reeled back into place when I'm at my weakest and I allow it, because it's easier than the alternative. They went ballistic when I went LC three years ago, probably because it didn't fit in with their public image of being the fun, party people. And I'll have to find a way to explain to them that, 'yes, while you are very kind and give us your money, time and help, I can't be around you any more after you've looked after me these last 3 weeks, because you're controlling and suffocating'. It is completely against my nature to be so ungrateful.

I honestly don't know how much DH actually sees and ignores, or if he is truly as blind to it as he appears. I've found a couples therapist we could go to when we get home, but I don't know how he will react to the idea. I'd love to see my own therapist, she works with couples and I'd feel backed up by having someone who already knows me. But she costs an absolute fortune and is usually away for the whole of August. Think I need to deal with this ASAP.

I do still have the option of a doctor 'advising me to go home on medical grounds' on Friday, which would be a great pressure valve. DH would hit the absolute roof if I found out I'd lied in order to get home early, and I'm scared that it's a very slippery slope from there. I feel like this is already causing cracks in my marriage and he apparently has no idea. If I can't get him to see things from my perspective, it could just mean the end for us. And being currently unemployed, with a recently purchased house (mainly funded by a large inheritance on my side) and 2 small children in a foreign country, that idea terrifies me.

Braxton Hicks are starting up again and my tummy is feeling a bit iffy, which often happens at the same time. Would love a bit more sleep but I think that's over for tonight. What a mess.

Thanks so much @Umberta ! It's really reassuring to know I've got people on my side at the moment.

On the face if it, the PILs are doing everything for me. That's why it's such a huge battle to not get wound back in. Anything I need, they're happy to do/go out and buy. And that's why I let the comments fly when they start back up again - whoever could accuse them of being horrible to me when they've bent over backwards for 3 weeks?!

I have nowhere I can go, to be honest. It's too late in my pregnancy to travel to my parents' house, then there's the whole crossing borders during Covid issue to deal with. Plus I wanted to have the baby in the same hospital as last time. 2 different friends have offered me their apartments while they're on holiday but it's the same old story of how to manage with stairs while in a wheelchair. They'd be away as well, so not sure if I could cope alone, even if I could physically get to where they live.

Oh my poor girl. I wish there was something I could do for you in real life to make things better for you.
I had hoped that you would get at least a reasonable night's sleep and wake feeling more positive today.
I hope that you can get some time alone with your husband. I'm afraid that he needs to step up now and put you first.
You have done so well, don't let them bully you.
I was so cross to read about their nonsense over having the baby in their room and deciding that he didn't need a night feed.
He is your child and when new baby arrives they will be your children, fucking PILs will have to get over it.
You have proved to yourself that you are a strong woman. Your love for your children will help see you through this difficult time and you have us to fall back on if you need to. Keep moving forward my love a little at a time. I am sure that you will make the right decisions about what is best for you all. Even if it doesn't always seem like it at the time. Try and have a good day. Really think about what you want and what you need and try and put this into words for Dh.
I am around all day so will be here when you are ready and I will check in later.
Remember that at the moment you are the most important person in this situation because your children need you. Take care.
MN Mum
💐💐

@mamansnet that story about keeping the baby in with MIL and the not feeding him is appalling. Why wasn’t your husband advocating for you in all of this? Is he so conditioned to keep the peace and ‘do as he is told’ that he’d rather see a baby taken from its mother than intervene?

DH would hit the absolute roof if I found out I'd lied in order to get home early, and I'm scared that it's a very slippery slope from there

I think you have put your finger on a big part of the problem here - neither H nor PILS seem to think you have any agency in your own life. You’re a grown woman. If something isn’t working for you, you get to decide what to do about it. Except in this instance you have H and PILS actively taking away your ability to do so. You’re not an ungrateful teenager trying to get home early from summer camp. H hitting the absolute roof is a worrying response (although in my head I thought big fucking deal).
He needs you to act a certain way to manage his relationship with his parents.
They need you to fall into line to make sure they don’t lose face, what with that super cool party people image to maintain.
It might be time for you to start losing your shit yourself and pushing back against the family norms. And the family norms are ‘MIL can say and act exactly as she wishes and everyone is too polite or afraid to say anything about it’.

It might be a slippery slope with your H, but it would be worth unpicking. He’s a huge part of the problem. It might be worth reminding him that they have far more to lose if your marriage fails - living hours away from the grandchildren and no obligation on your side to maintain contact.

I need hard examples to show myself (and perhaps eventually DH) that I'm not going mad, and that I'm not necessarily an ungrateful, selfish bitch of a DIL, even though I've been struggling with this for at least 10 years

Again, gently, I would counter with you don’t need hard examples. You’re not building a case for the prosecution. If you’re not happy with the situation , and clearly you’re not (you ended up in hospital) , you get to decide what you want to do about that.

Gently (more gentleness) have a little read about the different types of abusive relationships that exist, specifically coercion and gaslighting. I’m not saying that is what is happening here but it would help you I think to understand a bit more about different types of dynamics. If we weren’t talking about your MIL and if this was a bloke we’d all be shouting leave the bastard and do the Freedom Programme. you don’t need permission to leave them.

It’s worth bearing in mind who are you making these decisions for ? Whose needs are you putting at the top of this particular tree? Where are your needs coming in all this , and if you’re putting them very far below those of H and DS why is that?

I hope today is ok for you. Your posts have resonated with me.

Gosh op I’m stressed for you just reading this! I hope your Dh picks up his act, imagine moaning he can’t sleep.

Morning! Keep hold of that quiet determination you found to deal with the spoonfeeding situation. You're going to need that today. Your PILs have put your DH at the centre of their universe, he's been treated that way all his life, it's his normal. So he reverts to those patterns and doesn't see how out of whack it is. You are having to work so hard just to see things clearly, it must be exhausting. Your DH must see that prioritising his own comfort after a weekend jolly was selfish. I'd be worried if he isn't sorry when you point it out to him. Just try and keep your shields up when dealing with MIL. Sending positive power to you for today.

Thank you both for keeping me strong this morning. It's made me a bit teary but in a good way. I'm not on my own.

DH is still in bed upstairs. So much for being by my side. I wanted to get up and go out today, get some air and have some time alone to talk, but the time he's got up and ready to go it won't be worth it. Not defending him, but I suppose I could have been more explicit and demanding about going out today - he is a man after all, he needs clear instructions.

Not sure if I detected a little frostiness with the PILs this morning. No doubt they're getting fed up of looking after a DIL who clearly doesn't want to be here. Nothing to do with the fact she could just be having a rough time with the pregnancy.

Busco, that is EXACTLY how it is. He prefers to keep the peace, although he doesn't see it that way. It's falling into line and he doesn't even notice. The night she took DS away, he talked me into it, saying how much we both needed sleep. It was true, but I was gutted all the same. It wasn't my choice and she didn't ask or offer - it was an order.

I've had the same thoughts this week about the Freedom Programme. If it were a man, I'd have been shouting LTB at the op too. The problem is that this man is actually very decent and kind, but as soon as his parents are involved he gets sucked into the vortex. He is put first in absolutely everything in this house, well over FIL and MIL's own needs and it's going the same way for DS. I get that GPs want to spoil him, I can live with that, but my eyes are starting to hurt from rolling so much. I'm trying to teach him to be independent (eg the spoon feeding) but MIL insists on doing everything for him and it's making my job harder. I'm sure she'd spoon feed DH too given half the chance.

He's just come in to my room. Apparently it's not worth going out this morning, the skies are too grey. He asked how I'd slept, I told him the truth, 4 hours, and reminded him that it's difficult when the mattress makes your hips sore and you can't just turn over easily every half hour with a huge baby belly. He just huffed and rolled his eyes.

Exactly. Like. His. Parents.

Huh. ‘Tell me again why you came down here? If I wanted someone to huff at me for being miserable I already have your mother, although worth pointing out it’s not HER baby I’m carrying here.’

We've just had a good talk. I didn't slag off his parents at all - didn't need to. He already knows, from past experience. He listened and I know he has taken it on board.

One thing I do love about DH is that he's a thinker. Still waters and all. If you tell him something, he goes away to think about it and usually comes up trumps with a solution. Apparently it's already crossed his mind to go home early, too - the problem is the building work.

Can't tell the whole story now as we've agreed to get showered quickly and go for a walk. Too late to go to the next town like I wanted, but a push in the wheelchair around the block will have to do. It's my first time out in 12 days bar going to the hospital so a bit of air should do me good regardless.

I'll be back!