8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

@PlumsInTheIcebox sorry, forgot to mention you too! Thanks for saying that. You're absolutely right and it has hit home.

Had a few more tears this morning when the doctor came to see me but already feeling better than I was. I miss DS but MIL is going to bring him for a visit later.

I still have an outpatient appointment here on Friday, which I'd already booked in case I go into early labour, just for the staff to see my file and get me in the system. But now I'm thinking I could use the appointment as an excuse to go home without rocking the boat TOO much. Perhaps my cervix will be showing signs of labour or something... who knows.

Obviously it would be better to tell them the REAL reason I'm going but the monumental argument that would automatically follow will just put me back in hospital again. Besides - I suspect they'd secretly be glad to see the back of me.

I think I'm therapy you do reveal that other family members have said this things but you will not betray confidentiality.

I think you do need to go to therapy with him because I think your 2nd child will likely be treated differently and it will be brushed off "oh they don't mean it like that", "they have bonded with DS because he's older".

I could be wrong and both DC treated as golden as your DH but I think not and if they do you will be even more just the vessel that provided them!

Random I suspect they'll both be treated equally, but it's a tough one to call. Interesting one to mull over though.

One of MIL's favourite bugbears about me is that I don't follow her ethos of women doing all the work. In MIL world, men sit on their arses all day or potter about in the garden, while the women do all of the housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare. DD could end up being indoctrinated into that - or not. I'll have to wait and see.

In our household, everything is shared - in fact DH does all the cooking and ironing (his choice!), then we share everything else. I do most of the laundry and tidying up after my bloody messy husband. MIL thinks I'm massively lazy and taking advantage of DH's good nature. It makes me laugh to see her inner struggle when she comes to visit, as on one hand she wants to praise DH for his wonderful cooking and yet it grates that his lazy wife isn't doing it for him 😂

Usually though she just takes over the running of our household - meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, childcare, the works. I've tried to stop her but she complains of having nothing to do. But I'll be damned if DS and DD grow up not learning to do their chores, like DH did!

I can understand how hard it is to be incapacitated and have no choice but to be in someone else’s home for weeks on end and it does sound as though your in-laws are difficult. However as a MIL myself I do feel you don’t sound particularly grateful to them for having you to stay and doing so much for you and your child. You’re still happy to take from them both in terms of childcare and financially even though you appear to dislike them intensely. You admit yourself you’re pretty intolerant.

Ooh yes, maman. I would love to come and be your nanny. I have paediatric first aid certificate and loads of experience. I've even got a certificate to say I know how to play with blocks 🤔 😂Don't mind pushing a hoover round, fabulous cook but I AM NOT IRONING.
I do get that you don't like confrontation. I used to be be a really quiet reserved soul. No one who knows me now would ever believe it.
If you can bear it when the old bag comes (oops sorry meant MIL) make a fuss of her, tell her how much you appreciate all their help and it is lovely that you can rely on her. (this will get right on her nerves). Try and get a bit of rest before they come.
Don't go back to your home without the little one.
Will think about you this afternoon and text later. The people I am seeing are not until 3pm so will be around if you want me before that, otherwise will check in later. 💐

OP, it sounds a bit like you’ve bought into the DH-as-golden-child thing. I just cannot imagine being pregnant with my second child and having a broken ankle and saying my husband needs a break, or him being on a stag do while I stayed with his parents. That’s just horrendous. He’s not working this weekend, he’s on a stag do - he really really should be at their house with you right now if you can’t be at home. There is no excuse, in my opinion, for him not to be. And I wonder if you and his mum both actually resent him for it but find it easier to project that onto one another instead.

@angstridden2 thanks for your reply. I do always take constructive criticism on board, but feel I should address your points.

I absolutely do appreciate everything they do for DS and ourselves, and as I've said upthread, I'm extremely grateful to them for coming to pick me up and taking me back to theirs for 3 weeks. I understand it's tiring, feeding and hosting someone who's completely incapacitated, and I'm sure they didn't really want me for that long. They offered to pay for their train tickets but I've said no way, and I'll be contributing towards the cost of my keep. I gave MIL 40 quid to buy a massive birthday cake for FIL and have had an naice bottle of wine that shares a name with DS delivered as a thank you to give them when I leave. And as mentioned previously, I've planned to send flowers to MIL when I get home.

I know it's not just about money and presents but I am trying hard to show my recognition and gratitude for what they've done for me, even though I felt driven to come to hospital to get away from the stress of being around them.

As regards being happy to accept their money and childcare, I'm actually VERY unhappy about it but it's near impossible to do otherwise. DH is an only child and they have always been very generous towards him. I would rather take nothing at all and not be beholden to them, but he usually tells me that they're giving us money when it's already been decided, and it goes straight into his bank account. How can I physically stop that from happening? He's happy to accept it, not least because he's the sole earner since I went back to uni last year, but also because HE wants to build up our savings while I have the baby then look for a job.

Regarding childcare, it's the same problem. We both want the PILs to see DS but when we visit them or they visit us, they just TAKE OVER. That's not the same as asking for help with childcare - that's having childcare imposed on you!

Whatever my issues with my PILs however, I'm not evil enough to prevent them seeing my child/children. I've noticed that they are starting to resent being around me as much as I struggle to be around them.I suspect it's probably because DH and I are the parents now - the dynamic has changed, and their reduced roles of 'only' being GPs means having to defer to us, which I'm confident that they hate. The only way for them to see DS without my pissing them off (and vice versa) is to have DS spend time with them without me present. So do I call that childcare, or access?

Not sure where I've admitted to being intolerant but happy to be corrected. I would argue though that, on the contrary, I've been extremely tolerant for putting up with their domineering ways and verbal aggressions for well over ten years. I've only ever fought back when I've been pushed to the absolute edge. Even now, I could tell them the real reason I'm in hospital but I've lied, to avoid more arguments. It's also a cop-out, of course it is, but as it stands I still have to go back to their house when I get discharged, so why create even more ill-feeling?

@upsidedownwavylegs Perhaps I am too soft on him. He once said to me that one of the reasons he loved me was because I let him live his life. He has a job that often used to mean travelling to very dangerous places (he doesn't do those trips any more now we have DS) and I accepted that because I was in the same industry and understood the nature of the job. I've always treated him the way I want to be treated myself: to not be judged and given the freedom to live life the way I want to live it. The ONLY sticking point we've ever had is his parents.

But yes, in retrospect, another woman might have said 'I'm pregnant with a broken foot, you need to be here with me'. And he absolutely would have stayed. But I would have hated myself for doing it. Even now, I prefer that he's there - I'm just sorry that he won't be back before I get discharged, although knowing him he'll probably come back early because I'm in hospital.

In any case - even when he's with me, it doesn't always stop the problems with the PILs. He often gets sucked in to their way of thinking, and it's only after talking things through with me that he ends up back on my side. It can be a lot of work, and he really is caught in the middle.

Is there anyone else you could go and stay with?

Reading that back, I can see why you might think I've bought into the golden child thing, but rest assured, it's not hero worship! He pisses me off on a more than daily basis, and I tell him so. This weekend was just about him having a couple of days off - it's give and take. He has given a lot in the weeks since my accident, and he's going to be giving a whole lot more as soon as he gets back and finds out what's been going on. And he'll be giving even more again when he's got a newborn AND a three year old to look after while I can't walk or stand up. August is going to be a long, hot month for both of us.

That's when he'd normally ask his parents to come and help, but that won't be an option this time. So I'm glad he's had a couple of days with his friends before DD arrives, because I suspect we're going to really struggle until DS starts school in September.

@mamaoffourdc I've been racking my brains but coming up short. My parents are in another country and don't travel, plus I'm probably too far into my pregnancy to go there now anyway. All of my friends have places just like mine - stairs and not wheelchair friendly - or are going away, so I might as well be in my own home. I'm praying my brother might offer to come but I don't think he will because of Covid. I've been enquiring about getting outside help at home, that might be the only solution.

With regards to the baby turning my consultant said that nearly all 2 and 3 babies do not turn until in actual labour. I'm having my third and she's still not turned. It was good to hear this because I really don't want a c-section due to restricted movement after the birth.

There is no reason why you should not be mobilising with crutches tbh, prevent a DVT. You sound very ungrateful and jealous over your Mil relationship with her GC. He is not a possession and I think you should be happy she is doing her best to look after you all during these tough circumstances.

If it still too much just go home where you would struggle a lot more with no help.

I know I sound harsh OP, but I broke my ankle when heavy pregnant and did not behave like this. No excuse to lay in bed, you are not dying, walking about is exercise and does not trigger early labour, your nurse has misadvised you, and this comes from a Reg Nurse/Midwife. The more I read through the more horrible you sound towards your ILs who quite frankly deserve better than you bitching on here.

Hold it together and look forward to your bundle of joy.

But I would have hated myself for doing it.

That’s a shame. You’re worth it, you know, you’re his wife.

Dear OP I'm so so sympathetic to your situation. I think PPs who have called you ungrateful haven't thought about the power dynamic inherent in being a guest in someone's house (not to mention being immobilised as you are). You've lost all autonomy and control over your surroundings, diet, etc etc. I do understand how it would feel like being treated like a child. Their whispering about you and making you feel unwelcome is so unacceptable. And how DARE they give comments and "advice" about your medical needs.
The one aspect that I disagree with your viewpoint is the way you've let your husband off scot free in all this. PPs have said the same and you've shrugged them off but you need to listen. You must stop treating him like the golden child yourself. Stag party while you are completely immobilised and bullied by his parents?! Open your eyes. You don't want your son to model his behaviour on this. You are a partnership with your DH and he needs to know how unhappy you are and all the reasons why, and he needs to help, unconditionally, and not ever take his parents' side. If he implies that you are oversensitive etc, that is gas lighting, pure and simple. Your analogy about their toxic behaviour being your personal allergy is evidence of how gas lighted you are. Please, please, talk to him properly. He should not be on that playstation, he should be helping you, even if it's just sitting next to you and feeding you lindt and shutting your MIL up.

The fact that you were able to to cry and tell the midwife everything but not your DH speaks volumes about your marriage, please face up to this.

Ps ignore Whitbygoth's medical advice (I'm sure you will anyway), as she knows next to nothing about your personal medical needs. If she really is a registered nurse she would know that everyone has a unique situation and your own midwives and nurses actually know your whole medical profile.

Hi Maman, have they visited yet ? 💐

Thanks @pinkblossomdreams for that! Very reassuring good to know. I suspect DD won't turn because she's in the exact same position as DS was for the last 3 weeks of that pregnancy. I must have a funny shaped uterus or something. Apparently I'll be discharged on Monday, but I'll hopefully be able to see the midwife who does acupuncture before I leave. We might be able to have a go at the moxa sticks and needles and the PILs will be none the wiser. They didn't work for DS but maybe I tried too late.

Thanks also @Umberta for your reassurance and your directness! What Whitbygoth doesn't know (or hasn't read in my other posts) is that I was TOLD to avoid crutches for now, and that the only reason I'm lying on my bed is that it's the only position where I can get comfortable for long enough to write my dissertation. I have my right ankle raised up in the air and baby's head stuck in my right rib, so I can't comfortably stay sitting up for any decent length of time. Lying down is simply more productive.

If I have indeed been misadvised by the nurse, I'm happy to take that on board. What I object to is being having potentially dangerous opinions rammed down my throat by people with no medical training whatsoever, ie my PILs. Also entirely agree that they deserve better than me, they're more than welcome to go and find someone else to put up with their shit.

Anyway, back to DH. I promise I am listening to those who've said I'm letting him off scot-free. He doesn't know anything that's happened since I've been here. I'm forever complaining to him about his bloody mother, they moan to him about me and it drives him mad. I didn't think it would be productive to be ringing him up at work and complaining right from the start, especially when they HAVE been so good taking me in. I tried to get my head down and just get through it by doing grey rock, but that technique clearly winds them up as well. At least I can tell him hand on heart that I did try to make it work with them.

I'll get him to take me out alone when he arrives so we can talk through things properly. Still haven't decided if or when I'll tell him the real reason for being in hospital though. I think he'll understand, eventually, but still a bit nervous about the initial reaction.

Also, I have pulled him up in the past when I think he's too entrenched in their bullshit. When I went LC with them 3 years ago, he initially started trotting out their arguments against me. I stopped him immediately and said in no uncertain terms that being his top priority (along with DS) was an absolute red line for me. If I ever felt he was putting his mother/parents before me, then our marriage was over. It went in, and things have definitely been better since then. However, I think that when he's with them, he can't help but be indoctrinated. It's almost like programming a robot. Their opinions are given very forcefully, and he's probably been conditioned from childhood to agree with them. This needs to be pointed out to him so that he can break the cycle, and I intend to do that. In fact, I caught him imitating MIL's martyring a few weeks ago. I told him he was doing it and that it had really pissed me off. He was shocked, but agreed that he'd done it, and said to absolutely pull him up if he ever imitated his mother again. So there is hope for him!

I've just told him on the phone that the "hospital staff" (you guys) all seem shocked that he's away on a stag do while his pregnant wife is in hospital, so he has some serious sucking up to do when he finally gets here. He agreed.

@notthemum how did you get on this afternoon?

DS came by with the nurses about 4.30pm. They'd stopped MIL coming in "because of Covid" but I was afraid it was too obvious otherwise, so told them she could come in. She was pleasant, said I was looking much better than I did yesterday and we made small talk around DS for half an hour or so.

Sorry if this is more MIL-bashing but it did seem really weird when they were here. She was very clearly the one in charge of us all and I had this odd feeling of being just some junior assistant, not DS's mother. Maybe it's just me, but she does seem to dominate all the time. I need to strap on a pair and assert myself more, but that has provoked reactions in the past that I don't have the energy to handle right now.

Oh and the poster who said earlier that I'm jealous of my MIL's relationship with my DS, what utter bollocks! She sees him maybe once every 4 months, whereas I see him every day. He knows perfectly well who his mother is and I couldn't envy her less!!

"...said in no uncertain terms that being his top priority (along with DS) was an absolute red line for me."
Hear, hear!!!

Hi Maman. I am very impressed with you. You are doing great. Here are tonight's goodies 🍹🍟🍰. I was nearly at the end of a long message when DP went past, put his finger on the screen and swiped. I lost bloody lot. Sod. I will brain him.
Today not good. They loved me, I liked them but unless I register with government agency they can't afford it. So that's that.
Never mind. Onwards. Will look for something else tomorrow. Going to bed but will have TV and phone on. Try and get some rest. But obviously message if you want/need to.

P. S. 😂😂😂😂 At us all becoming honoury hospital staff. I'll take that.

Hi Maman, hope I haven't woken you up.
How are you feeling today ? ☕🥐

Hi @notthemum, thanks for checking in

Had a wonderful nights sleep - my first in days - so ready to get some work done today, if I can drag myself off MN!

Had a text from MIL this morning to see how I'm doing, it was very nice and she said they're taking my "adorable DS" out for the morning.

I'm feeling very well rested, although I did crack up a little earlier when the lovely midwife came to put baby on the monitor. She's reassured me that I'm not going mad, and that what has been going on is not normal or healthy. There's a psychiatrist specialising in pregnant/postnatal women on this ward so they'll get her to come and see me tomorrow before discharge.

DH texted at 8am to say he was going to bed, so he's had his first all nighter in about 10 years. Told him that I'm very happy he's enjoying himself, but that he'd better not be knackered when he gets here on Tuesday. I need support and will insist I get it.

I'm finally starting to see that, while he is genuinely a good husband and really takes care of me and DS at home, I need to start putting myself first a bit more forcefully. He needs to get his head out of his parents' world and see that they way they behave towards me is not normal, and far from it.

A friend texted this morning telling me that my situation is straight out of the film Misery, which really made me laugh. Immobile, being looked after by people who are lovely and stressful in equal measure, and I've still got my dissertation to write 😂😂😂