8 months and miserable, staying with PILs and in need of a rant

[mamansnet]

I'm 33+5 and broke my ankle nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm in a wheelchair and am utterly miserable, exhausted and crying every day. Baby has been presenting as breech, meaning I've had a head stuck in my ribs most of this week, making the wheelchair even more uncomfortable, and I'm having to face up to the thought of my second ELCS just weeks after having emergency surgery on my foot.

We were struggling to cope at home, as I can't get up/downstairs or out of the house without help. We already have an active 3 year old, a new bathroom is being put in before the baby arrives (I slipped on the dust) and poor DH was having to do everything - taking care of DS, me, the building work, helping me up and downstairs, emptying my commode, as well as cooking, cleaning after the builders every day AND trying to hold down a full time job. The guy has been a hero but he's exhausted.

So I've come to stay with the PILs. We were due to visit for 2 weeks this weekend anyway (I was already hesitant about travelling so late in pregnancy) but given the situation, I came a week early by train with DS to give DH a rest. The PILs have got a downstairs bedroom with ensuite, so I'm much more independent here and in theory it's a great idea. I get help looking after DS, DH gets a break and I get to write my dissertation that was due in this morning.

However. It's been 4 days and I'm not sure I can take another 3 weeks of it. I have a love/hate relationship with MIL anyway, which MN has helped me with in the past, but I can't help but feel like she's not thrilled to have me here. When they stayed with us last month it was fine, but it feels strained now. She does have a lot on her plate as there is a lot of sickness in the family at the moment - her brother has leukaemia, for one - so I'm really trying to make everyone's life easier by "working" in my room and staying out of the way as much as possible, biting my tongue or just doing grey rock when we can't avoid being together. It's hard going.

She loves having DS to herself, so I'm letting her get on with it and not saying anything even when I think she's put too many layers on him in the heat, or buying the wrong size sandals, etc. It really goes against the grain, he's my son, but I can't face the arguments that will inevitably happen if I speak up.

Yesterday, just to make conversation, I said that I'd read online that chiropractors have a technique that might help turn breech babies, and did she know one locally? She jumped down my throat to say that they're all crooks, I must be insane, and that I risk getting the cord wrapped around baby's neck if I try to turn her just to avoid an ELCS. I did remind her that baby is SUPPOSED to turn at this point, and that 3 different midwives have said a VBAC is the better option for me given my already limited mobility...

At breakfast this morning I tried to instigate a conversation with my DS, who has had a little speech delay but is now catching up fast. She jumped in to answer for him in such a way that made me and my question sound ridiculous. I was only trying to get him to speak, FFS.

It's FIL's birthday this week (he's lovely) and I made a comment earlier that in normal times, DS and I would have made him a birthday cake as we did a lot of baking during lockdown, DS really enjoys it and it's a shame that I'm just not mobile enough to get around the kitchen. I got shot down immediately, being told that she doesn't have time to make a cake on top of all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and looking after my DS. As though I'd asked HER to make a cake.

I'm in no position to complain I know, they're very good having me here (although I'm sure it's just as much to help out DH, the only child that I STOLE from her) but the constant remarks and putdowns are getting to me so much more than usual. Possibly because I'm hormonal, tired and in pain with my foot. She's often like this, not quite this bad though, and I'll usually fight back, but I'm not in a position to speak my mind while they've been so kind taking me in.

I'm due to go home at 36+4 to get my plaster taken off, but I called the local maternity ward here just to make contact in case things start early. All good. MIL ordered me to ring another hospital, "which is far better" (not true, it's just nearer) and that place wants to see me while I'm here, which is fine, but I can't get an appointment until a couple of days before I'm due to go home. So there's not much point. I just want to cry.

DH is arriving here in a week, so I'm counting on you lovely lot to get me through the next 7 days with my sanity intact. End of rant!

I am glad that you got some much needed rest.
Blimey, Go You. I am also pleased that you are thinking about yourself and what you need.
You should feel proud of yourself for coming this far. You can do this 👍.
Now either try and do some work or just get some more rest. You both need and deserve it.
I might have a tidy up in a bit, but I shall be here if you need me.
Will check back in with you later.

Evening Maman, how has your day been ?
Here are tonight's goodies, 🍓🍓strawberries cos everyone brings bloody grapes. 🌭🌭Hot dogs or they can be veggie ones if you prefer. 🍧 Ice cream, no reasons but who doesn't like ice cream.
Hope you can get a good nights rest. I'm not in any hurry to move about (I can't be arsed) so will be here if you want to chat, rant or whinge about PILs or anything else.

Quick update as I'm sure the lovely @notthemum will be coming to check on me later

Had a good day overall, managed to get a good 1100 words done on the dissertation now I've had some rest.

MIL came by with DS at 5.30, they'd taken him to the beach, he'd made some little friends and generally had a whale of a time. She was lovely during their visit and didn't seem to be taking charge as much as yesterday. Possibly because DS has discovered the remote control that makes my bed go up and down so he wanted to spend the whole time sitting on the bed with me and playing Maman Up, Maman Down. She's also just texted to say 'goodnight darling'.

Which brings me right back to my eternal struggle: how on earth could I hospitalise myself to get away from someone apparently so sweet and lovely? I don't think that MIL is so Machiavellian that she consciously sets out to hurt me. It's more like she just wants total control over everyone. As I've said before, both she and FIL can be exceptionally kind and generous. They're looking after DS and my cat while I'm in here and have made a big effort to help DS understand where I am. She brought the clean clothes I asked for and took the dirty ones away to wash. Their house is the family 'party house', they love having people to stay and are never happier than when they have a houseful - the more the merrier. So I find myself feeling incredibly guilty about the way I feel when I'm with them and think that they must be right: I must be ungrateful, rude, lazy, no good at anything, etc etc. However, thanks to MN, I'm finally starting to think that, actually... this is classic gaslighting!! (the FOG is finally lifting, @Umberta !)

I'm not a horrible person. I hate offending or upsetting people and have retrained in a career that, on the whole, involves doing things to make others happy. That really is my biggest pleasure in life and DH often says it's one of the things he loves most about me. So surely I can't be as bad as all that?!

DH texted at 2pm to ask how the baby and I were. I said I'm 'taking care of her'. And that I wasn't going to lie and say I was fine - I'm glad he's having his boys' weekend BUT that at 34 weeks, with a broken ankle and in hospital, I'm feeling very fragile. And that while I wasn't telling him to cut his trip short, HIS WIFE NEEDS HIM, and that he had better be ready to step up and not be tired or hungover when he gets here.

The message has gone in. He rang me a few minutes ago, could tell I was upset and unusually for him, he stayed on the line for quite a long time, chatting and reassuring me (he hates phone calls ). He said he'd looked up flights to see if he could get here any sooner but there aren't any (true), but he will be here and right by my side as soon as he can.

I told him on the phone that I'm very stressed out - although not the real reason why, I'm saving that for later - and that I'm not in the right frame of mind to be undertaking the biggest and most important thing I'll ever have to do in my life, i.e. give birth. I said it was massively unacceptable and stressful that anyone should think they have the right to dictate my birthing plan to me as the PILs did on Sunday, and that goes for him too. It's my body, and it'll be MY decision, along with the doctor. Not his, and absolutely not his parents.

DH isn't stupid. I'm pretty sure he'll have guessed how this week has gone, although not the real reason I'm in hospital. Now I've rested, I'm starting to feel less guilty about doing it. The baby needed to be protected from the stress I was under, self-inflicted or otherwise. But I'm getting discharged tomorrow and I'm pretty sure it won't be long before I end up back feeling as stressed I was. I'm clearly more susceptible to it now that I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy, but it only took a few hours in the house last weekend before I started to feel the pressure.

I can't see how I'm going to last another 2 weeks here - I can see myself telling DH we need to go home ASAP, as pp have suggested. I don't even have to cause the inevitable row with the PILs by telling them why I want to leave early: surely a pregnant women is allowed to go wherever she feels most relaxed, no questions asked? DH can tell them later.

Leaving early will mean cutting DH's seaside break short, but you guys have opened my eyes to the fact that that is just tough luck. I'm about to have a baby - that's his priority right now, not having 2 lovely weeks of his mother waiting on him hand and foot.

Yet another massively long post. Sorry about the essays, but it's really therapeutic to write it down and to get outside perspectives. I'm miles from home with no support other than MN and a few people texting me. So and thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far.

@notthemum you're so lovely. I absolutely love hot dogs and I should have bought shares in Ben & Jerry's, being pregnant during lockdown

Hi Maman,
Well where to start. Good that MIL behaved herself today and little one seems to have had a lovely day.
I nearly had a fit when I read the bit about you thinking that you were being unreasonable, luckily I read the next bit where you realised how bleeding batshit they all are. You are doing fine, you are getting mentally stronger every day. Pity you can't stay in hospital until Tuesday really. Just try to avoid the buggers as much as possible. Remember DH will be with you soon and you are a strong beautiful woman and they should all be bloody grateful to have you in their lives.
Shares in Ben & Jerry's, Hmmn now there's a thought.

Think of it from her point of view. Her brother has Leukemia, she has your DS all day, and presumably takes care of the house and cooking by herself and she is probably also really worried about you and the baby. She might just be a little sensitive to any comments now. Why not surprise her with a bunch of flowers or chocolates just because to say how much you appreciate her help? I bet she’d love it.

Just caught up on the while thread, maman. Your mil sounds mad as a box of frogs. You can appreciate her good intentions and know that she loves you all, but that doesn't mean you have to follow her wishes, or that you are cruel or ungrateful to do things your way. It sounds like she's got her own way far too often, and that wasn't the best thing for her or anyone else. Hope you get a good night's sleep, and that your DH steps up and puts your needs first. Just make sure he does.

Your MiL sounds positively benign compared to the one I had for 30 years. I couldn’t have stayed with her for 15 minutes, let alone weeks on end. No excuse for the sniping comments but put yourself in her shoes. She’s having to do practically full time childcare,, plus doing everything she would be doing normally, the woman must be exhausted. I totally get how she irritates the hell out of you and you feel you can’t relax for a minute, but she must have done something right in bringing up your DH- he sounds lovely. Maybe say “ did you mean to be so rude?” Next time she says something outrageous, or just grit your teeth, smile sweetly and say “I don’t agree with you”. Learn how not to be a MiL for a few years down the line when you are in that position.

I recommend Toxic Parents for your dh and Toxic In Laws for you, both by Susan Forward

So so glad to read your last update, you sound so much stronger and more hopeful!
Agree 100% that no one has the right to dictate your birth plan, hear hear! Good luck for the discharge and keep staying strong. You're an inspiration, I've been poor-me-ing so much about my relatively minor pregnancy ailments and your story has put it all in perspective and I think you've been ever so brave. So glad your DH is coming asap and that you'll be leaving for home very soon. You need to be in a safe place dear Maman, without bracing yourself constantly for barbed comments and disguised attacks.

V.v. quick update as I'm being discharged and MIL is on her way.

Just seen the (male) doc and he says I have to decide at what point enough is enough. I have to fight back or risk setting a poor example to DS. "It's not like they'll chuck me out of the house".

Maybe not, but it's not that easy. I've done it before but I wasn't pregnant, alone or as vulnerable that time.

Rang the builder this morning, he says I could come back on Friday but he won't have started the evil, ankle-breaking stairs and needs the house to be empty for a full week to get them done. So might tell DH to take me away somewhere next weekend for our wedding anniversary to break up the time I'm in the house.

My dicky tummy is back. Coincidence??

Good morning Maman, how are you feeling today? A bit apprehensive I expect. I hope you get to speak to the psych OK and everything goes well.
I am here all day and just a bit of clearing up to do, so a break for messages will be most welcome. Don't worry though if you are busy with docs etc. I shall check on you later.

MIL is running late so I'm back.

Pointing out the the doc is male just to illustrate that he might see plenty of pregnant women on a daily basis, but he's never actually been pregnant and hormonal!

@gerispringer oh yes, I tried the 'did you mean to be so rude?' tactic moons ago. The reply I got was this: "I don't care. I know I'm rude. I speak my mind and it's up to you to deal with it if you're offended".

I deliberately haven't gone into as much detail as I could about her as I've been trying to stay as balanced as possible and not just MIL-bash, but this is to give you a idea of what I'm up against.

A few years ago, FIL's best friend and his wife were staying with them for a few days, 6 months after the death of their 17 year old, severely disabled daughter. I was there too. BFF's wife starts to talk about their recently deceased DD and MIL comes out with "I don't want to talk about her, she doesn't interest me."

BFF somehow managed to persuade his wife not to get on the next flight home, but he's never spoken to FIL since. And FIL is still angry at the BFF for not just saying 'I don't want to be friends any more.' Er - how about sorting your wife out, FIL?!!

It's the only time I've ever seen MIL admit she went too far, but she only accepts it because she cost FIL his best mate of 20 years.

@notthemum Can I adopt you as my MN mum, despite your user name?!

Psych is off work today but I still have the doctor appointment on Friday so will try to see her then.

Doc agreed to help me come up with a reason why I might need to suddenly travel home if things are still as bad on Friday. I'm well rested so think I can hang on until then, with MN's and DH's help. Hope so, anyway!

I'll let you know tonight how the grand homecoming goes...

your MIL was probably being sweetness because she doesn't want to be blamed for her heavily pregnant DIL ending up in hospital whilst under her care.

Also she can prove with her texts how lovely she is.

I'd go home as soon as humanly possible, is there any way you could manage and get help in. How difficult would having to manage somehow away fromm your IL's compare to the emotional and verbal abuse your undergoing at your IL's currnetly?

Hey Maman, definitely happy to have you as MN DD. My real life Dd will be surprised that this hasn't happened with anyone before. (shan't share your details)
Bless her, over the years we had loads of teens calling me mum and staying with us at various times, one of dds friends moved in with us and I fostered her for 18 months, more recently I've had a couple of the mums at the school I used to child mind from calling me mum. So very welcome.
Back to your bloody MIL.
Jesus Christ. If you have her ever say again that she knows she's rude and she won't change tell her that's fine as long as she knows that every time she is you will tell her, and your child your rules. If she is at your home your home your rules. We will live in hope that one day she will get it but we won't hold our breath.
Blimey I could have written my own dissertation with all that. Anyway Welcome MN Dd. Will check on you later. Ooh 🍫🍫🍫🍰🍧🍓🍓 here's a stash to hide from the MIL.
💐

Good luck

Thanks notthemum and daisies for the goodies!

I’m probably overloading you with info now, but am writing while it’s still fresh in my mind.

FIL came to pick me up and was very sweet, although I realised pretty soon that he is Going To Stress Me Out this week just by being his natural self. I don’t mean that to sound nasty - bear with me.

He can be very belligerent and doesn’t care who hears him or gets in the way. We were looking for the exit to the car park, and in his frustration he started banging on the doors and complaining loudly. During the 3 mile drive home, he shouted and shook his fist at other drivers on 2 occasions for pulling out in a way not to his liking (nothing that would have annoyed me, but I drive in a big city and see far worse). He was so annoyed by the second one that he went too fast over a speed bump and bumped my plastered leg. Yes, FIL, ouch.

MIL and DS say he’s a complete child, but they say it like they think it’s cute, whereas I think it’s ridiculous. DH has learned the same behaviour but I’m slowly drilling it out of him. He says that just his and FIL’s temperament, that they explode with anger and 30 seconds later it’s all forgotten, but these disproportionate and unnecessary outbursts of anger put ME in a bad mood (stress?) for a good hour or two, which feels unfair. I do try to accept that’s how they are and let it go over my head, but FIL immediately made me feel quite tense when he did it earlier, and more so than usual. I’m feeling stronger but still fragile, I guess.

The PILs were sweetness personified when we got back and very attentive. Had a cuddle with DS as we sat down for lunch, and before long he decided he couldn’t be bothered to feed himself any more, so MIL started spoonfeeding him. It happened a LOT last week but that was when I was biting my tongue. He’s twigged that Granny will wait on him hand and foot ( HELLO, DH!!!!!! ) given the chance and he’s playing on it more and more.

No doubt some posters will say I’m being too harsh on DS, but I don’t care. My kid, my rules. He’s 3.5yo FFS, he feeds himself at pre-school and at home and only asks for help when scraping the bottom of a yoghurt pot. I don’t want him growing up utterly mollycoddled by MIL, like DH still is. This is why he loves coming to stay with his parents for weeks at a time – because he knows he doesn’t have to lift a sodding finger while he’s here. MIL even used to go round to his student flat every week to clean it for him, FGS. It’s bizarre.

So anyway, I insisted that DS feed himself and promised he would get a biscuit at the end. He threw his cutlery on the floor - first time he’s misbehaved since we’ve got here, but no wonder if they’re bowing to his every whim. MIL couldn’t stop herself loading the spoon for him, but did respect that he had to put it in his mouth himself. But OMG…. They brought it up THREE TIMES in the half hour after DS had gone for his nap. "DS is on holiday, you should go easy on him, let him relax and have fun", on and on. Last week I would have wilted, but now having had some rest I was ready to argue back. I said that they and he can do what they bloody like when I’m not here – what I don’t know can’t piss me off – but while I am with him, my rules apply, and I’m not going to be inconsistent with them. It’d be making a rod for my own back, and I’m confident DH would have told them the same.

They’re always boasting about how DS is so much better behaved than the other kids his age that they know – well, maybe that’s because yes, he’s a good kid, but also because we’re consistent in setting his boundaries?

So as you can see, the hospital stay has done me some real good. And I've just heard that some lovely family friends are visiting this week, so the pressure of it just being us and the PILs will be massively reduced And that's not even the best part!

This is how much better I’m feeling ( @Umberta you will love this): I just asked DH to call me and when he did, I told him the following:

“You are taking me away for 2 nights on Sunday to a spa hotel. When you arrive here tomorrow, you are going to inform your parents that it’s all your idea, and you intend to spoil your poor, pregnant, recently hospitalised wife on our wedding anniversary. I’m happy to do the research and tell you where to book, but we are GOING and bollocks to how much it costs. This is non-negotiable. Understood?”

He understood perfectly. So now I’m looking online at nearby seaside hotels where I can get a pregnant lady massage and a pre-birth bikini wax for the first time since before lockdown. And when we get back there will only be five days left before we can GO HOME!!!!

I do love this!! Yay you will have such a lovely break in the hotel. Will your DS be with you?
Also so glad that the family friends will be there, that will keep FIL's temper and MIL's cattiness in check just from peer pressure, surely.
Also well done for sticking to your guns about your discipline choices with DS, that must have been hard to do that. The fact that he tantrumed when he wasn't spoon fed is so illuminating, I'm sure MIL saw that (she doesn't sound stupid) and the reason she brought it up three times was to deflect any guilt/criticism.
So so glad you have this weekend away to look forward to! Then you'll have a safe space to calmly tell DH about everything that's happened and how you feel. Hurray!

Well, fuck me.
MN Dd. I am extremely proud of you.
You go girl.
MIL probably wasn't best pleased about being told he is your kid so your rules but hey ho. I bet she has a shred of grudging respect for you. Stick to your guns.
Have fun finding a spa hotel. I am so pleased for you.
Obviously didn't want you to go to hospital but I think it has done you the world of good. Will check on you later. 👍😊

How you doing my lovely ?
Your MN mum 💐

Hi my MN mum!

I can't believe it. Tonight has been lovely. They were both on form, we all chatted normally and it's just gobsmacking to think how different it was to last week. Why can't it be like this all the time? Why does there have to always be such drama?

The only part was when FIL brought up the issue of the spoon feeding yet again. Fourth time. I explained, YET AGAIN, that I'm teaching my son his boundaries and to achieve that, we both need consistency. While DH and I are present, he follows our rules, otherwise he'll think he can pick and choose as he pleases. When we're not around, his GPS are allowed to spoil him a bit. That's the joy of being GPs, right?

My mother thinks I'm being a bit OTT regarding the spoon feeding but I said that it's just as much about setting the boundaries for the PIL too. If I let them undermine me on this, they'll do it with everything - for example buying him the expensive pair of sandals I said he didn't need, because the ones I had bought him 'were too big and causing a blister on his foot'.

Said £65 sandals have now been put away after 48 hours and DS given slippers to wear in the garden because his feet are suddenly all full of blisters from his new shoes 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Funny how MIL was far less vocal about that than she was all last week regarding the too big shoes his mother had bought him!!

Poor DS. I never scrimp on shoes and he's never had a blister in his life until this week.

Anyway, time to sleep - it's hard work, being so assertive all day!

Hello my lovely. I'm glad you had such a good day yesterday. I'm sure it was exhausting, but now you know you can do it you must keep it up. I expect you are excited to be welcoming DH today. I hope you have a lovely week. Message if/when you like.
Shall pop in later to check on you. 💐🥂
MN Mum.

Hi notthemum and everyone

It's very strange. I feel SO strong, I barely recognise the person I was when I started this thread a week ago. That said, we've not had any topics of conversation come up that would cause any difference of opinion (they love nothing better in this country than a fierce debate at the table, and it's imperative to win the argument. Very far removed from the kind of healthy discussion I'm comfortable with) so it's been fairly straightforward.

I think they've sensed that I'm not to be picked on or debated with at the moment, which helps! I stood my ground over the spoon feeding and DS just eaten his entire lunch with no help whatsoever. It was the elephant in the room but they've seen now that I WILL put my foot down regarding my child.

The only that I could pick out as offensive is when MIL said that I'd spoiled DH's weekend with his friends by being in hospital. I think she didn't actually mean to be spiteful this time, but you can't hear that and not be insulted. I didn't reply that the weekend wasn't much fun for me either, although it was far preferable to being here!! It's just another example of her opening her mouth without bothering to think or care how her words affect other people.

That's not to say she doesn't do it on purpose as well. I just think this time she was being her usual unfiltered self.

She keeps going on about how she wants DH to relax when he arrives, he isn't to lift a finger while he's here as he'll be so busy with DS and the baby when we go home that he must be allowed to rest. If I wasn't in a wheelchair, I'd very likely be expected to wait on him too and help around the house, 8 months pregnant or not. This Golden Child syndrome is so blinkered and infuriating.

When I think back to how I was last week, I guess I must have been so exhausted from the pregnancy, hormones, my foot, the building work, etc, that I just wasn't able to handle the onslaught, and it went downhill from there. The PILs get annoyed with me if I'm not permanently on form, pregnant or not, so my being under par definitely made things worse. I still feel like I'm under surveillance though, and always will in this house. For example, i woke up at 5.30am to the sound of squeaky bedsprings upstairs 🤢. Couldn't get back to sleep properly afterwards but by 8am I was thinking I'd better get up or they'll have some comment to make about me sleeping much later than they do. I accidentally nodded off around 10am but again, was conscious that they might tell me off for lying down when I was supposed to be having a shower. That's just how I feel here, I'm accept the problem is mostly mine, but they have a knack of sending my anxiety through the roof. I've had so many patronising comments over the years that I now anticipate them, which leads to incidents like the one on Friday, where I worked myself up into a state. But I'm glad I'm now able to see that for what it is.

It's amazing to have had something like MN, where I've been able to come and pour my heart out and I'm so grateful to everyone who replied, especially my new MN mum! The added bonus is that, having got it all of my chest, I not only have a written record of it all, but I'm also ready to tell DH about my week with his parents in a more analytical and non-emotional way, like I'm doing here. I know he'll react far better if I present the story in such a way that 'this happened but I dealt with it and now I'm stronger. And this is what we (you) need to do to stop it happening again'. As opposed to "I haaaaaate your motherrrrrrrrrr, waaaah".

I've just come for an authorised lie down and DH will be here about 2 hours after I get up. There is definitely work to be done on the situation, on my side and his/theirs, but I'm no longer stressing that it could harm our marriage. I might just survive these next 2 weeks!

Excellent. You are doing an awesome job there. I am very proud of you and to have you as MN Dd you are definitely a credit.
Hope you managed to find somewhere lovely for you and DH for weekend. Have a rest and will pop in later if you appear to be free.