Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

Surely this about both of you, yes your the one giving birth but the baby is a product of both you.

I'm sorry but what bullshit. The baby might be a product of you both but the birth is all about you. Until the baby is actually birthed it is just a part of you, not it's own being. The baby is the product but it's your birth and experience so don't let anyone but you control it.

When a woman is in labour her opinions, wants and needs are the only ones that matter. Childbirth is not an equal opportunity event. She is the one in pain, at risk of tearing, haemorrhage or worse, and she gets to say where.and how and who with she labours.

This has it down perfectly. Women die in childbirth, I'm not saying this to scare you honestly, it's rare but it does happen. The man is at 0 risk, it's not one bit about him. He is not the patient and until that baby is out of you and an independent being the whole thing is all about you and he has no rights.

You can be nice and talk to him and discuss your different opinions. Listen to his and explain your side but ultimately whether he feels your reasons are justified or not doesn't matter, they're your reasons and you're the one giving birth so you get to do it.

OP, I notice that you have previously been in an abusive relationship and I wonder if this current guy seems 'amazing' to you only by comparison.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole to me.

When I was pregnant and discussing birth options and visitors etc. with my DP, we'd talk it over but his line on it was that it was completely up to me at the end of the day because I was the one with a flipping baby coming out of me! He wanted me to be as happy and comfortable as possible and although it was a big, exciting event for him, he recognised that it wasn't all about him - his wants and needs were not front and centre (and besides, all he really wanted was healthy baby and healthy, happy mum). That's how a decent man behaves and it made me love him even more (and, ironically, made me want to consider his wants and needs to).

YOU are not being controlling in this scenario (as it sounds like he's told you) because you are not trying to control your DP - you're trying to have some control over a situation that affects YOU. I can see how he'd get that confused and backwards if he's decided this event is all about him .

Is there anyone in your life you can send him to for a proper "it's not all about you, you selfish arsehole" dressing down? I'd be happy to do it!

My wifs wanted her mother at the birth if our first child a few years ago. I didnt particularly but it was her decision. I do regret her mother being there though as I felt something was lost by it not being just my wife and I together. Its hard to explain but I completely understand why my wife wanted her there.

My wife is pregnant with our second and i did say I didnt want her mother there again and my wife agreed.

Its not controlling to want the birth of your child to be just the 2 of you. Ultimately its your decision but maybe he just wants it to be something the 2 if you share together. Its likely though that you will only be allowed 1 person present due to covid. I hope you choose your DH.

I think it is your right to choose mostly, especially as to the birthing plans. However, I do find it very odd that people need their mothers with them to have a baby. Personally I think that is a special moment for the baby's parents only where possible, grandparents to be should wait outside.

I'm also at some of the comments on here.

It's nice to consider your partner if he's considerate and supportive of you but who on earth are all these surrendered wives/horrendous husbands posting who think the key thing here is to "respect your husband's wishes" while you risk life, limb and incredible pain bringing a child into the world?

It would be ridiculous if it wasn't so sinister.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit ranty now but:

"Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no."

"I said no"?

I think I'd have been out of there at this point. Really, who does he think he is?

Can you expand on why you think it's ok that he vetoed the birth plan you wanted?

I’d personally say- ok you’re already not supporting me with the birth so I’m having mum there instead of you.

How dare he try and control this situation op.

He said you can’t have a water birth because it’s disgusting?

Please op, make him stay at home. He’s the disgusting one

Controlling arse. Who is he to forbid you from a water birth??

If he thinks a water birth is the most disgusting part of a labour he's got a few shocks to come.

I try not to be an MN cliche on partner threads but if he said you couldn't have surgery because he didn't like the sound of it, would you cancel the op?

As you say, it's probably hypothetical. But still, I actually don't see why this is a discussion. You've given birth before. He hasn't. You are going to be the one in labour. This really, really isn't about him.

I think you should have your Mum there if you want her and if she’s allowed. For those that are saying they don’t understand - everyone’s relationship with their Mum is different. I for one am having my mum there and if it’s only person, she’s the birthing partner over the baby’s dad. This has been discussed and agreed with everyone that it’s best for me. I get very stressed and anxious and my mum is the one who will be able to support me best.
Birth is far more about you than him and I’ll probably get people judging me for saying that but you deserve to feel calm and comfortable so the baby can arrive safely.

He doesn't get to say no to a water birth and he doesn't get to say no to your mum being there.
I can sympathise slightly as to him wanting it just to be him there but you're the one giving birth, his wants are secondary. There are no 'equal rights' in labour and childbirth.

I actually can't believe he told you you're not allowed a water birth. My husband wouldn't dream of telling me how to give birth.

Saying no to your dm I may have understood a little but telling you not to have a water birth is worrying imo.
Your birth plan is what you want, it’s not about him at all except to be there with you if you wish.
Make a new birth plan, tell him this is what you’re aiming for and don’t discuss it. If he objects to any part of your birth plan be firm. You’re the one labouring not him.

You'll have to choose one or the other. I'm due in August with my first and want both there but i have to choose as the Covid rules haven't been eased and probably won't be for the near future. I have obviously chosen my other half but feel your pain! Definitely your choice who you want there with you though!!

Ew to him and half the replies on this thread. YOU are giving birth. It’s not a spectator sport. It’s not a team activity.
If he thinks a water birth is disgusting (the water is great for disguising everything FYI) I would be seriously concerned about what sort of support he is going to offer you whilst in labour. (And in child rearing but that’s a different thread)
If he had said he’d prefer your mum wasn’t there that would be understandable but the fact that he is dictating whether she can be there is awful. Combined with the water birth comments it’s horrendous.

Threads like these leave me equal parts incandescent with rage and truly horrified and sad that this sort of situation isn’t all that uncommon. My birth wasn’t perfect, wasn’t traumatic but in the lead up to and during labour I felt so loved and supported by my husband. To not have that support must make the prospect so much scarier. (Even if that ‘support’ is coming from your own self belief and confidence and not being chipped away at by a self serving bellend.)

I kind of agree with your partner. It's unlikely that you'll be allowed two in with you anyway at the moment and the one who was there at the conception has more rights than your mum. I think you both have to agree to have someone else there. Maybe he thinks it's a special private moment for you both and he doesn't want to share it.

He can’t say no to a water birth! Wtf? It’s not his choice. His correct response should be ‘whatever makes it easiest or least stressful for you.’ I can kind of understand him not wanting your mum there but he shouldn’t be able to say no. It’s your body. Your birth. He may be nice in other areas but he’s being a dick about this. He’s somehow made it all about him.

He doesn't get to say no to a water birth though, that's your choice!

Hi OP, congratulations on your baby.

It is so very important that you feel calm, safe and supported during labour. That you labour where you want to and with those you want around you.

Labour and birth is biologically designed to work that way and not enabling this means increased risk for you and your baby.

It really is in your and the baby's best interest for you to be supported in your choices.

Can you explain this to your DP and talk it through again?

I had two water births and I would never consider not having one again unless medical circumstances prevented me.

I hope all goes well with the birth.

@ceeceebloomingdale
That’s all well and good except labour isn’t his to share.

I don’t really like that it sounds like he just tells you rather than actually explaining his point or understanding how you feel; it’s quite one way.
When we had our first my DH said that he would prefer if it was just us but if I wanted my mum there it was my choice and he’d support me with whatever decision I made. His explanation was that it’s an important moment together as a couple and was about us starting a family and he felt that when his ex’s mum was at the birth he was then a bit displaced. It gave me something to think about but I knew that whatever I decided he’d support it and that was the most important thing.

I had my sister and my OH! Super glad I had both! If one went to the loo or for a wander the other one was there.

If you want your mum there, please do insist on having her there. Hopefully by sept 2 birthing partners will be allowed again.

Personally I’d tell him that when he can shit a watermelon he can make the decisions.

@KittCat

You have the birth you want...sounds like you've swapped one abusive arsehole for another.

Agree