Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[AnotherEmma]

😱

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes. The idea that pain control was wrong, pain natural but silence the desirable response. Very creepy. Exactly what the attempted denial of pain relief, described here, made me think of.

[RyanBergarasTeeth]

Is anyonr reminded of that creepy tom cruise story that he in his scientology believes made katie holmes give birth in silence?

The baby is 100% the mothers until it leaves her body. Her body her birth. Its shocking that in 2020 women are falling over themselves to center men in birth.

[ZombieLizzieBennet]

No, it is an essential and indivisible part of this issue. A partner who is an ignorant, controlling arsehole who can't even be arsed to do any research before issuing commands has no right to feel hurt at their partner correctly identifying that they aren't likely to be sufficient support.

[FloreanFortescue]

@ZombieLizzieBennet separate issue. Doesn't invalidate his request for the mother to not be there.

[ZombieLizzieBennet]

@FloreanFortescue

PP called your OH a controlling fuckwit - my DH wouldn't have been happy if my mum was there. It's "our" moment as a couple. I'd even go as far as saying he would have been hurt to think that I didn't trust him enough for support. I know this isn't AIBU but I do think you're being unreasonable.

Is your DH such an ignorant arsehole that he thinks he can say a water birth is disgusting and therefore veto it?

[mylittleavalon]

Feels like at the end of the day one person wants something and the other doesn't but it should be the person who has to do something painful, scary and let's face it life threatening who gets to make the shots not the person watching from a chair by the side of the bed.

[Flittingabout]

I don't think some PP are taking context into account here. If you have a lovely trusting secure relationship where power is evenly distributed then you probably can't relate to this.

But OP has a relationship where what he says goes on the stuff that they should dialogue about. He has made it so!

[FloreanFortescue]

PP called your OH a controlling fuckwit - my DH wouldn't have been happy if my mum was there. It's "our" moment as a couple. I'd even go as far as saying he would have been hurt to think that I didn't trust him enough for support. I know this isn't AIBU but I do think you're being unreasonable.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Op, the birth is about you not him.

[Pumpertrumper]

OP, men who think you giving birth is somehow about them are an ultimate red flag.

I gave birth 16 weeks ago, Ofc I ‘asked’ DH if he minded my DM being there but luckily he gave the only response a man should in that situation ‘I’m happy with whatever you need this experience to be’

I’m not saying if there was long term friction/ a serious problem between DM and DH I wouldn’t think it was inappropriate for her to be there but failing that giving birth is the one time in life you completely call the shots.

[Tadpolesandfroglets]

@Raaaa why? Interested to understand this?

[Vanillarose1]

My exH also refused to let me have my Mum at the birth - the conversation was almost identical to yours. I was torn in two at a time when I should have been avoiding emotional turmoil.

He was a terrible birthing partner (slept for most of it) and I regret my decision to abide by his wishes. Of course, as others have said this wasn't his only attempt to control me and my relationship with my family and that's why he's now a very lonely man!

[Raaaa]

I find water births yuk also, that's just opinions.

But at the end of the day you need to go through the birth so if you want a water birth then that's what you should have! That's the controlling part.

[AnotherEmma]

Coffeeandbeans

[differentnameforthis]

if your partner is telling you what to do, and you are doing that, and not what you want, you are NOT in control of this situation at all.

[differentnameforthis]

@Hedgehog44 Thinking a water birth is yuk doesn't make someone controlling

No, you are right. However, telling your partner they can't have one is though.

[Dumpling89]

@BwanaMakubwa

dumpling that is with the proviso that a sensible and respectful discussion is possible, and your partner is a grown up.

Agreed!

[Heyhih3]

@NotMyTimes I agree I doubt it would be aloud.

[NotMyTimes]

@heyhih3

Forget complain. I would sue. I do not consent to a man (an adult human male, however they might identify) performing an intimate examination or procedure on me. If one does under the guise of being female or a woman by 'identifying' as such they have assaulted me by doing the procedure against my consent.

[Mammyloveswine]

Why on earth would he say a water birth is disgusting?? When he rips apart pushing out a baby he can call the shots?

I'd be tempted to just have your mam and not him!

[Coffeeandbeans]

When I was 18 I went for the pill. In those day’s it was normal for an internal to be undertaken. I had a male doctor. I can remember sobbing whilst he checked me as it just didn’t feel right. At that stage I hadn’t had sex with my boyfriend and yet her was a stranger inspecting me. It just felt so wrong and I should have asked for a woman.

[topoftheshops]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to derail the thread I thought the original point was that we wouldn't let men do cervical screenings so why let pre op trans women, I didn't know whether my experience with a male gynaecologist was unusual/rare. Completely get the point about women who have specifically asked for a female doctor.

[Heyhih3]

I didn’t know that about the birth certificate it I will google it, it seems odd. On any kind of job application form they do tend to ask were you born a man/woman originally not quite as blunt as that though.... trans is complex very complex. Regarding medicine I doubt you would be able to mislead patients and pose as trans woman I imagine if the patient found out they would complain.

[NotMyTimes]

@Heyhih3

I believe under current regulation once transmen or transwomen have gone through transition (I don't know to what extent re hormones, genital surgery ect) they can legally change their sex on their birth certificate so would they then be able to write that sex on their medical forms? I don't know but it is something that worries me. Same as you've I've never personally come across a trans medical professional but no way is a trans 'woman' (a biological man) doing any kind of intimate medical examination on me. I am not bigoted, I wouldn't let a man do the same procedure on me either for very personal reasons, I would honestly rather run the risks that come with turning down the procedure. As it becomes more widespread to view that 'transwomen are women' this seriously worries me. All the TRA's say that regulations around gender vs sex will 'literally' kill trans people (through suicide) but if these regulations do go through I honestly believe they will kill woman (and occasionally men too but I think more women) as more turn down medical procedures out of discomfort, trauma and beliefs which prevent them from accepting intimate procedures and examinations from the opposite sex thus leaving them to die from preventable illnesses and conditions.