Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[lottiegarbanzo]

He seems to see the birth as being about status for him, as validating his role as father. Not as being about the process of you giving birth, as your medical experience.

He has a a lot to learn. Antenatal classes might help a bit.

[2bazookas]

I think he's got a fair point; for him its a first child so he wants it to be a very special thing shared between just two of you.

[gavisconismyfriend]

If this is his first, but your second and your mum was at your first, then perhaps it feels somehow as if he will feel a bit excluded at the birth because you’ve both already shared this experience and have it as a point of reference. Everything that is second time around for you is first for him and he may be struggling, worried perhaps that it won’t feel like a shared experience. I’m not saying it is okay for his choice to take precedence over yours, but I can see where he’s perhaps coming from and feel some sympathy with him.

[Redroses05]

I think your partner sounds unreasonable the fact that he doesn’t have a valid reason for saying no. I personally think it’s up to you since you don’t even have to have HIM in the room if you don’t want. Definitely stick to your guns OP because when you have children they will be lots of disagreements and your partner can’t expect to have his own way all the time. It’s his first child and what? Does that mean he can’t share the moment with your mother he sounds quite selfish!

[Mrstwiddle]

You call the shots here, he’s a prat. I had my mum when I gave birth and she was great, much better than my partner would have been.

[Pixxie7]

I am sorry but I find it strange that you want your mum there and your husband so why not compromise you have a water birth and your mum is the first to see the baby.

[motheratbirth]

@Pixxie7

I am sorry but I find it strange that you want your mum there and your husband so why not compromise you have a water birth and your mum is the first to see the baby.

My issue isn't my mum seeing the baby first. I don't want her there for the baby, I want her there for me. I also want her there as my partners idea of being supportive at the birth is to 'wing it'. He has no idea of what's to come so having my mum there will be more reassuring.

[PerspicaciaTick]

He is going to be a piss poor birth partner judging on his attitudes so far. If he has already decided a water birth is disgusting, what other aspects of the birth process is he going to object to? Do you trust him to be able to advocate your wishes to HCPs? What else will he want to control?

[PAND0RA]

You don’t need to compromise, you are the patient, not him. It’s all your decision.

And yes he does sound like a controlling arse.

[Tonz]

My Dh wanted just us at the birth of my first. I wanted my mum there. Spoke about our reasons on and off for a couple of weeks then I showed him a video of a women giving birth.
My mum was then welcome by DH for all 3 of my childrens birth.
Does your partner understand how difficult and painful it will be for you?
I would also be having the water birth if that's what you want. You will be the one doing all the work and your comfort is the priority not your partners

[Coyoacan]

Water births really lower the pain. The fact that he wants you to have a more painful birth to please him rings alarm bells for me.

[wildone84]

@KittCat

You have the birth you want...sounds like you've swapped one abusive arsehole for another.

This.

[jessstan2]

motheratbirthmy partners idea of being supportive at the birth is to 'wing it'. He has no idea of what's to come
...
I don't get that. I realise ante natal classes haven't been running recently but has your partner not read books or watched videos of women in labour and giving birth? If he hasn't, it is not too late for him to start. He really does need to know what is in store, the more graphic the better.

If you are able to have a water birth, do; if partner is just presented with it when you go into hospital he can't say much.

I do understand him wanting it to be just you and him but he has to step up and really be of assistance to you.

[wildone84]

I think he should respect that you're the one giving birth not him. Therefore you get to say who you want at the birth, and how you want to give birth.

He sounds controlling and not a very nice person.

Does he know a water birth can be less painful? If so, and he still doesn't want one for you, then something is wrong.

[overworkedandstressed]

My Dp didn't want my mum at the birth of our baby. Was so against it. I also showed him a video @Tonz. We only got partway through and he stood up and said Ok your mum can come...I won't be much help. Lol
Op if you want a water birth please have one. It's not disgusting you can actually be more comfortable. Labour is when a women is bothh most powerful and vulnerable at the same time. What you want you should get

[snitzelvoncrumb]

Perhaps he is worried she will take over? I would compromise and say that you would like your mum there if she is allowed to, and she can wait in the waiting room (assuming she is ok with that) and be there in case he needs a break. I only suggest this to shut him up for now, you should absolutely have your mum with you if you want her there. Then you simply request her to come in. Don't mention the water birth to him, the midwives won't pay any attention to him if he says no at the time, just ask at your appointment or at the birth as you normally would. He hasn't experienced a birth, and will feel differently once its happening. Its not worth arguing over it now, but please don't not have birth you want because of him. If you can't have your mum there, could you have her on standby? Just in case he doesn't cope and gets in the way with his preferences rather than support you, you could get the midwife to call her and take his place. Good luck.

[NotMyNicknames]

@OP he doesn't get to say no to ANYTHING.

Not your mum being there, not a waterbirth, not an epidural, not what position you give birth in - the list goes on.

You are the patient. You are the one giving birth. You are a capable adult with bodily autonomy, he literally only gets to be there because you allow him to, he doesn't get a say in anything you do with your own body. Until that baby comes out you are the only patients and as the patient your wishes are paramount - he doesn't get a say in you. Once the baby is out you equally get a say on him/her but at that point the birth will be over anyway.

Do not let him dictate anything. Have your mum there, he's not the patient, he doesn't get a say. Have a water birth - he's not the patient he doesn't get a say. Have any and all pain killers you want including an epidural - he's not the patient, he's not the one in pain, he doesn't get a say.

You are the one giving birth. This is about you, it may be his baby but that doesn't make the actual process of giving birth about him in any way. Don't let him manipulate you into making it about him and his experience and what he wants. It's about you, your experience, wants, needs and safety - that is it - you!

[Pixxie7]

Surely this about both of you, yes your the one giving birth but the baby is a product of both you.

[sergeilavrov]

Immediately make sure you tell your doctor about wanting a water birth. If it disgusts him, he’s free to not be there. Your body, your birth plan. He needs to apologize for thinking he gets to veto your birthing choice given it’s your body going through it all. I’m more sympathetic toward him wanting it to be just you two. I denied access to all wider family despite the arguments it resulted in, when my DH wanted his mum there

[timeisnotaline]

He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Have a Waterbirth. Have your mum. Tell your partner he’s only there to support you and he’s doing a shitty job so far, thinks all he has to do is turn up, you’d like someone who has a clue what’s going on. If he doesn’t like it he’s not supporting you and had better not go. Seriously it sounds like he will be the enormous chocolate teapot in the birthing room. Is he always so self centred? Do you ever matter to him?

[Userzzz]

Ultimately it's your decision. I had my mother with us for my first birth and I wish I didn't. It traumatized her and I realized we would have been fine just my partner and I.
You could have your mother in the waiting room and then just call her in if you really feel you need her support. He might be happy for the support as well, depending on how things go.. He might feel overwhelmed, or both of you might be content to labour on you own.

[whereistherum]

I was sort of with your partner about your mum, but the water birth makes it seem as though its more a control thing than anything else.

You are the one doing the work, my partner got his socks thrown up on twice however I knew he had my back, because he knew exactly what I wanted and didn't veto anything I wanted. Can you be so sure about your partner?

[OrangeGinLemonFanta]

This thread has left me
When a woman is in labour her opinions, wants and needs are the only ones that matter. Childbirth is not an equal opportunity event. She is the one in pain, at risk of tearing, haemorrhage or worse, and she gets to say where.and how and who with she labours.

[Isthisfinallyit]

If he doesn't support your wishes then he isn't a good birth partner to have with you. I'm not sure you should let him come tbh.