Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[Veterinari]

Birth is painful messy and there are plenty of disgusting parts. Your DP needs to wise up.

Does he realise that by denying you a water birth he's reducing your access to a form of pain relief as for some women water can be effective at reducing pain? Now he's dictating what emotional support you should need as well.

It sounds like he's trying to make this birth all about him. You're the one that's done it before. Trust your instincts and experience and do what works for you.

[Heresaprettypass]

I'm actually more concerned that he told you 'no' to a water birth.

He says he should be enough support for you, but he's not supporting you is he? Support would be 'that's great you want a water birth. lets make sure you get that.'

What other ways does he control your choices and actions OP. I really can't believe that a man who is dictating how his partner can choose to give birth (whilst also 'winging it' himself so not actually bothering to be involved enough to find out how he can be supportive to your needs in labour) isn't also controlling in other ways.

That's your issue.

[Candyfloss99]

@motheratbirth

I'm actually the controlling one in this situation 😳 and he is actually amazing in every other aspect of our relationship.
I didn't have much control over my last birth due to an abusive and useless ex partner so with this birth I want to control as much of it as I can.
He gets on fine with my mum.

No sorry you're not the controlling one. They are all your decisions to make, it's you who is having the baby. Just because this partner isn't as abusive as your last one it doesn't mean he's not abusive. Maybe have a word with the midwife.

[Eveta]

It doesn't sound like he's too bothered about your comfort and wellbeing when you're giving birth op. I would be concerned how this would pan out longer term.

[Veganforlife]

Your dp attitude is very worrying,.its your body doing the work ,you make the decisions.
Your dp sounds abusive
You said you had an abusive ex?
I think your current dp is abusive as well.
Keep talking to your mum and friends about him ,don’t let him isolate you

[CeeceeBloomingdale]

[quote FightMilkTM]@ceeceebloomingdale
That’s all well and good except labour isn’t his to share.[/quote]
It's a medical situation, technically the mother doesn't need to share it with anyone other than the medical professionals.

[Veganforlife]

Wait
So he knows you had no control over your last birth ,due to a controlling ex
Yet he is still insisting on his own way ,on something your body is doing
Fuck that
This does not sound good
Open your eyes op

[Heresaprettypass]

I'm actually the controlling one in this situation 😳

Is that what he has told you? From what you have said he has denied you pain relief (water birth) emotional support (your mum) whilst not researching what birth will be like and how he can support you ('he's winging it).
It's hard to see that you are controlling anything OP. I think your standards of the autonomy/ respect/ support you are entitled to must be very low due to your last relationship.

[Sertchgi123]

I don’t understand this need to have your mother there at the birth.

As an adult woman it’s more appropriate to choose just the baby’s father as your support. I can understand the baby’s father feeling put out by this.

[ZombieLizzieBennet]

With his attitude, I'd have your mother there instead of him.

[thatsnotgoingtowork]

You have an abusing and controlling current partner who's removing what control you might have over this birth (no water birth because he says so, no mother there because he says so) too motheratbirth Amazing he is not.

I would agree that, all things being equal and no abuse, no pandemic related hospital lock down, the father should be at the birth. That's as far as his "rights" go though. His (conditional on covid containment prcticalities and behaving like a decent human) right to see his child born.

You are the patient though, and you call the shots on everything else labour and birth related until the baby is no longer part of your body.

I personally would have rathered give birth alone than have my own mother there, but as the fathers of your babies both think their word is law and their rights over your body and medical and biological processes outrank yours, I can completely see why you need and want your mother there to actually look out for you!

[Rainycloudyday]

His comment about water births is pathetic - so childish and makes him sound honestly a bit thick

[OccasionalNachos]

Like a lot of people I am more concerned about the ‘saying no’ to a water birth than his objection to your mum being there, which is a valid viewpoint for him to have and he has given reasons for. Your wishes obviously override his opinions, but it doesn’t sound like you have the kind of relationship dynamic where you can each discuss your concerns and opinions, because he sounds like a rude, ignorant bastard.

Please have a water birth if you want one. Like others have said it is probably the least disgusting part of childbirth. Your partner is going to have a bit of a shock over the coming months if he objects to things on the basis of them being disgusting. Doesn’t bode well for changing dirty newborn nappies, coping with being possetted on or supporting you with the post-birth bleeding. I stained a bedsheet with lochia a couple of times in the first week and my DP just changed and washed the bed linen without comment, because he knew what to expect and isn’t a prick.

I imagine with Covid restrictions he isn’t attending appointments with you. Could you speak to your midwife so there is an awareness that he is making demands on you?

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

You get who you want at the birth and get to chose how you birth. Yes, take his views into consideration where possible, but it’s still your choice.

My mum was a midwife and I had her present at both my births, along with my DH. She mostly sat quietly.

With my first Though she actually had to tell the midwife I was needing to push. She recognised it when my DH didn’t. She was a great help with my second too as I was whipped off to surgery for stitches, so she actually supported DH as he didn’t really know what was going on.

It was my DH’s hand that got squeezed etc... but my mum as the second person only got to come in right at the end anyway (both my deliveries were super quick). Maybe the last 30mins or so.

My DH was happy with whatever I wanted and if he didn’t agree, certainly didn’t let on.

I echo those that say perhaps this guy only seems amazing compared to your last partner. He’s riding roughshod over your wishes and dictating to you how he wants it, with no regard to your wishes as The one doing this. I’d ignore him personally in this instance and deal with the fallout later. Based on this alone though I see no real happy ending here. Even if you do as he wants you’ll hate him for it. Sorry.

[Redroses05]

@Sertchgi123

I don’t understand this need to have your mother there at the birth.

As an adult woman it’s more appropriate to choose just the baby’s father as your support. I can understand the baby’s father feeling put out by this.

OPs mother will always be the mother. Men can come and go at any point. Lots of people have 2 birthing partners to support their OH. It’s about OP, giving birth is difficult enough FGS.

[Mummyshark2018]

You should have the birth that you want, whether that's a water birth or having 2 birthing partners. He needs to drop the subject otherwise it will fester and make you more stressed.

[CoffeeAndWhisky]

If he IS a supportive birth partner, YABU

By the sounds of it, though, he is a bit underprepared. I would make it a condition that he informs himself about the process and promises that he will support you in all your choices. If he insists on winging it, choose your mum.

[FelicityPike]

@Veganforlife

Your dp attitude is very worrying,.its your body doing the work ,you make the decisions.
Your dp sounds abusive
You said you had an abusive ex?
I think your current dp is abusive as well.
Keep talking to your mum and friends about him ,don’t let him isolate you

^THIS!!!

[Fishypants]

Firstly if you are due to give birth shortly, the Coronavirus restrictions may mean you can only have 1 person with you anyway. So please check with your hospital.

Secondly as a pp mentioned births are messy, bloody, biological processes, you will need all the comfort and support you can get.

I had 6 strangers in the room with me when I gave birth, due to my DS's heart rate dropping, very far from a private intimate affair. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

[Sasaz]

I can’t believe he told you no to a water birth, being in water is a form of pain relief. At the end of the day it’s not a date night it’s a long hard process.

My ex originally didn’t want my mum there, but I did, it was my first and it was good because at times each of them left the room to get coffee or food or whatever so I always had someone with me and they had each other to talk too.

[thatsnotgoingtowork]

Have the special couple moment fantasists actually given birth? If they have the rose tinted glasses are firmly welded into place!

[Plumpi]

This is awful. I can't believe there are people here saying listen to your partner. Of course you should have the birth you want and the people you want! Not only is it your body but you have experience with giving birth and he doesn't. Where's his respect for you? Honestly, gives me goosebumps, the bad kind.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

@Coyoacan

Water births really lower the pain. The fact that he wants you to have a more painful birth to please him rings alarm bells for me.

Me too.
And that he is blocking your other form of comfort ( your mum).
He doesn't sound grown up enough to have a child...

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

The mother thing I really don’t think is out of order- I get his point view.
But the water birth objection- hell no, he can fuck right off dictating how you give birth wtf’

[PregnantPorcupine]

@Sertchgi123 it doesn't matter why she needs or wants her mother there - only that she does and he's saying "no".

OP - I honestly can't belive how unsuportive some of the pps here are . As someone who is also preparing your give birth I really really believe that all the choices should be yours and he should be there soley to support you (which he is not doing). Maybe have a read of the Positive Birth Book and your partners roles as " Guardian of the Oxytocin" (Cheesy I know) and get him to read it too. If having your mum there will help your oxytocin levels then you should absolutely have her there.

I also suggest speaking to your midwife in private. I worry that you have swapped one controlling partner for another