Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Veganforlife

Wait
So he knows you had no control over your last birth ,due to a controlling ex
Yet he is still insisting on his own way ,on something your body is doing
Fuck that
This does not sound good
Open your eyes op

I am also wondering if this is also true.

Is your dp amazing as long as you do exactly what he wants?

I’d be giving your baby your surname. This is actually the traditional thing to do. Traditionally children have always taken their mother’s name. It’s just more women were married and took their husband’s name, which the mothers subsequently passed to their children.

This is your body and your birth experience. The fact that you want your mum there is an instinct kicking in that your partner is not enough. Follow that instinct.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

And have the water both.

[Sertchgi123]

OPs mother will always be the mother. Men can come and go at any point. Lots of people have 2 birthing partners to support their OH. It’s about OP, giving birth is difficult enough FGS.

Men can come and go? What sort of an attitude towards the baby’s father is this?

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

[Azerothi]

This thread sent shivers down my spine especially when you said your boyfriend is amazing. It is such a pattern of behaviour from women on here. Say something deeply disturbing about their boyfriend or husband and then defend him.

Your boyfriend isn't amazing and you should absolutely have the birth you want. He should accept that gracefully and without all this angst.

This is coming from someone who didn't want my mother at any of my births and didn't want a water birth.

[AnotherEmma]

What an arsehole.

"He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’"
It's not for him to say no. If he'd said that to me I would have said I'm using a birthing pool and if you're not comfortable with that, you don't have to be there.

You say your ex was abusive. I think this one is too. He sounds like a controlling bastard. Did you ever do the freedom programme?

[ferntwist]

Have your mother there and ask for a water birth. Tell your partner to get used to supporting your choices. Your body, your birth.

[Snowdown24]

Sounds insulting, like you think he isn’t good enough or supportive enough. If she was at the last birth can’t it be just him this time, incase he never gets the opportunity again.

[ferntwist]

P.S. If you’re only allowed one person because of Covid, still choose your mother. DP can stay home and look after your other little one.

[ferntwist]

@Snowdown24 The last baby wasn’t his!

[crimsonlake]

Tricky one, as I can see both sides of this. Yes, it is you who is pushing the baby out, but it is his baby as well and he may just want it to be the 2 of you. Personally I do not understand the need for having more than one person there for support, but appreciate some people do. Hope you resolve it.

[WhoAteAllTheWotsits]

Your DH sounds a lot like my ex, who was very happy to ‘support’ me but only if it was in the way he wanted to. He also hated me breastfeeding and thought that was disgusting.

Do you think you want your mum there as maybe subconsciously you know your husband won’t be able to provide the support you need?

Of course it’s amazing to have your husband/partner at the birth but only if they have an understanding of what is to come and can really truly support you in the way you need.

[frazzledasarock]

Giving birth is hard but messy and exhausting, if OP isn’t comfortable it makes the process even more difficult.

OP is the one giving birth, she’s the patient, she gets to call the shots and be controlling if she wants. So far she’s not been a bit controlling.

So what if OP finds her mums presence comforting, if it helps and that’s what she needs when giving birth she should have her mother there. If it’s just one person I’d have the mother in her position. Her mother sounds like she’ll be less of a hindrance than the partner in this instance. Mr waterbirthsaredisgusting, I’d have laughed in his face and told him he has no choice whatsoever in how I give birth.

He really really doesn’t sound like he’ll be supportive of you whilst in labour.

[MsSquiz]

You are the one giving birth, you make the decision as to who is present and how you do it!
By not supporting your choices now, he is showing that he is not supportive.
You have been in this position before and you know what helped and what didn't. And for you, that means having your mum there.

And yes, when it comes to the child, the decisions will be made between you and him. But labour and birth are about the mother having the child and so her choices and decisions are key unless they put baby in danger. Having your mum there or having a water birth are perfectly reasonable decisions to make, and you have made them. He now needs to support you in those decisions

[Lemonpink88]

I doubt they will allow two birth partners by September so maybe that’s solved ur problem. I’m in at the mo & it’s strict but also quite nice! Put it to the back of your mind & deal with it in a few months no point stressing early on op

[Flora20]

I'm pretty stunned by some of the pps suggesting there's something wrong with you wanting your mum there - personally I wouldn't have wanted mine but that doesn't mean everyone's the same! There's actually plenty of research that shows birth can be less traumatic in the presence of a trusted female birthing partner - not sure why but have a read!

The bigger issue for me is his 'refusal' to let you have a water birth. As others have said - this isn't his option, it's yours. He might have an opinion but your chosen method of pain relief is not something he gets to decide. I agree he sounds very controlling (trying to control your birth isn't about his child, it's about controlling you.) If he's just incredibly ignorant of birth then make sure he does some research - give him books, get him to talk to the midwife. If you told the midwife that he's not letting you have a water birth I'm pretty sure that would ring alarm bells to her too.

[midnightstar66]

It is not controlling to want the birth your way OP, it's your right as the one pushing out the baby. I don't feel he's as lovely as you think trying to veto all your birth choices because of his wants and opinions. If he thinks a water birth is any more disgusting than a regular one he's in for a shock!

[C8H10N4O2]

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father

Having three with your partner makes you an expert on having three with your partner not qualified to dictate to women who don't live in your particular bubble.

Telling a woman who has been in one abusive relationship and is anxious about the birth that she is childish for not centering the wants of another man trying to control her birth is pretty disgusting.


OP: if he is dictating how you give birth based on his ignorant assumptions, dictating who you can have with you based on his wanting to be the centre of attention and isn't even preparing properly then take your DM instead of him if its one person. He is not going to be able to support you. You also need to talk to your midwife/doctor about water births etc and tell them what you want.

Oh and for the record - I've given birth to four, three at home, DM with us for the home births. But my partner's primary concern was me and the children and he never felt the need to make himself the centre of my births.

[Glendaruel]

completely understand wanting mum.

My partner and I have chatted about it in prep for November. Fortunately for me he completely got it, anything that gets me through ( if covid allows). Mum was at birth of one of my nephews and was also there when I was admitted during miscarriage during previous relationship. If my partner needs break, go to loo etc he knows someone is with me. Mum is more experienced and can be a better advocate for me, allowing him to be more relaxed. When I went through miscarriage I know my partner was scared and didn't understand or know what to ask.

[Aragog]

Respect your partners wishes.


Why can't her DP respect her wishes then?!
The birth is the OP's medical experience. She needs someone there who is there to support her, someone she feels relaxed with and who is there just for her.

The DP has shown already that he isn't there to support her through the birth with his dismissal of a water birth and an additional support person.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Give the baby your name.

[Quartz2208]

OP there is an undertone here that you are called the controlling one is this because he wants to "wing it".

How dare he say no to a water birth or ever utter the words I said no to anything but certainly not this

I think you need to tell him striaght that being your support is letting you make the right decisions at the moment he is saying no to everything that will make life easier for you (water birth and your mum) for his own selfish needs

[ZombieLizzieBennet]

@Sertchgi123

OPs mother will always be the mother. Men can come and go at any point. Lots of people have 2 birthing partners to support their OH. It’s about OP, giving birth is difficult enough FGS.

Men can come and go? What sort of an attitude towards the baby’s father is this?

I’ve had three so I know what giving birth is about. Having your mum there smacks of behaving like a child who needs mummy, rather than an adult woman sharing an intimate, very special moment with the baby’s father.

But then, birth isn't innately an intimate and special moment (or process). Some women find it so, some want it to be and find that it isn't. Others don't and have no interest in doing. None of these stances are wrong.

[C8H10N4O2]

Give the baby your name

^This

[eausolovely]

A) If you want a water birth he can get a grip and support you on your labouring decisions. It will help you with the pain and if it's what you want it's what you should get.

B) I am due probably 2 weeks later than you and I also want my mum there if she can be. Sometimes you just want your mum and that's allowed. If he is being a bit of a child about it which it sounds like he is try to explain it to him calmly and explain why he cant do the same job as your mum, because, well he isn't her. It's your body going through a potentially painful and sometimes traumatic experience and if having your mum there makes you feel more confident, then he should see that as a positive.

[123th]

It wasn't that long ago that men weren't ever at the birth and the birthing partner was usually the mum. This has nothing to do with him and the idea that it's an intimate experience between the parents is not only a load of rubbish it's a social construct.