Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[Wecandothis99]

I understand his viewpoint as it pretty intimate for a couple but also should respect your wishes and probably needs to deal with the fact his MIL will be everywhere from now on if she's going to be in there!

[Scubalubs87]

R

[AnneOfQueenSables]

You've decided you want your mum there so why bother posting? Considering you said she was at the first birth because your ex was abusive then perhaps your partner thinks you're implying he's abusive too. Maybe he is considering the water birth comment.
People draw lines in different places. I'd be having a water birth if I wanted one - that would be my red line. But considering your mum sat in a chair last time, didn't say anything and was only there because your previous partner was abusive, it seems odd to me that you're bringing that energy into the room, into the new birth and into the new relationship.

[cptartapp]

I suspect you're going to need your mum in the months to come. Let her be there. And make sure this baby has your surname, what's the plan for that I wonder!?

[TwilightPeace]

Spoken by a true controlling fukwit.

Respect your partners wishes.

Wow you sound like a lovely person

Why do OP have to respect his wishes but he doesn’t have to respect hers?!

OP don’t let him control you. ‘I said no’. Really? So no actual reason, he just wants the experience to be more difficult for you?

And to people saying he doesn’t want to share the experience, that’s not his choice to make is it? He’s just a bystander, it’s OP who is doing all the work so it should be up to her who she wants to ‘share’ it with.

[TwilightPeace]

it seems odd to me that you're bringing that energy into the room, into the new birth and into the new relationship.

The energy of comfort and support? It’s not that odd, is it?

[firstimemamma]

He sounds awful op and shouldn't have any say in how you give birth.

[Russell19]

It's your decision but on the other hand I do understand your partners viewpoint because i felt like that. Those moments in hospital with just my husband were amazing, even more amazing when our first born arrived.

[FightMilkTM]

@AnneOfQueenSables
Please point out where op says that her mum was only there previously as her ex was abusive?

Odd that she’s bringing the energy of her mother? Who (presumably) birthed her? Who has (presumably) given birth herself? Who has been present at previous births? Who provides a calming and stabilising force to op?
Really odd...

[Elmo230885]

Have a water birth if you want and can, he has no right to dictate that but I am on his side about your Mum. Its his child, he wants to support you and you said yourself you didn't need your Mum for anything last time. I can understand why he'd feel pushed out. People keep saying its your choice as you are the one giving birth, which is true but its also his baby. Maybe he has pictured holding his child for the first time just in the presence of his wife not with his MIL sat there! Immediately after the birth of both our children me and DH spent the calm time just the three of us. I can't imagine having anyone else there.

[bestbrowsintown]

allowed two in with you anyway at the moment and the one who was there at the conception has more rights than your mum

No one has any rights except the birthing mother

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Your mother doesn't need to be there fgs ! You partner should be the one . The man is controlling because he wants to be there ? Jesus, when did labour become a party ?

[bestbrowsintown]

@TheStuffedPenguin the op hasn't suggested that her partner shouldn't be there

[Onekidnoclue]

Tell him that part of the support you will need is having someone educated on the situation to speak for you if you can’t. You need a person who understands and respects your wishes so if you’re in too much pain to communicate they will advocate for you. If that’s telling the midwives something is wrong and pushing the issue or demanding pain relief. He needs to stand up for you if you can’t. For that he needs to put your wants and needs first (agree to water birth) and educate himself (not wing it).
I suspect he thinks he’s there for hand holding which isn’t the case. Good luck

[KatharinaRosalie]

Respect your partners wishes.This is a big moment for both of you to share and one that'll make it awful for him if he doesnt feel comfortable with your MIL.

You're kidding, right? OP, you know the one giving birth, does not feel comfortable when her mother is not there. But it's his wishes that have to be respected? A spectator opinion should take precedence over the one who is actually in labour? I really cannot find one single reason why this should be the case.

Have the water birth, have your mum there. Tell your husband clearly that when he gets pregnant, he will also get to choose how he gives birth.

[okiedokieme]

Unless you are 20, wanting your mum there for a second child when you have a dp seems odd to me. My dm accompanied me to one of my births but only because h was stuck overseas. It's a moment for the parents.

[SeasonFinale]

Personally this is the birth of your first child together and he wants it to be an intimate moment for the two of you and not feel sidelined or have matters taken over by someone else (ie. your mother).

[Lobelia123]

Personally I think he' has a point and your insistence on your mom being there is a bit childish. Was your mom there when you created the baby? No - he was and he seems to want to be there to support you and mark the beginning of your baby's life together. I would also find you wanting your mom there a strange preference. However, I understand that perhaps youre very close and you emotionally rely on her? But generally when you start a relationship and a family, you invest in the primary family bonds first.

[sakura06]

Your partner is complete unreasonable. Nothing to do with your labour is his choice (apart from whether to be there if you allow it). And if he finds a water birth 'disgusting' he is in for a shock on the labour ward. I hope you're ok OP as he really doesn't sound very nice at all.

[KatharinaRosalie]

The man is controlling because he wants to be there ?

OP has not said he can't be there. He is controlling because he dictates how OP should give birth and who else can be there.

OP, has he also said what pain relief you are 'allowed'?

[Northernsoullover]

Just my personal opinion but the 'special moment for the two of us' brigade sound awfully precious. Giving birth is painful, messy (there wasn't a lot special when I shat myself ) it can be frightening and is sometimes dangerous. There wasn't a lot special about my tear either.
If the OP wants her mum there and its allowed then its her choice.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

[quote bestbrowsintown]@TheStuffedPenguin the op hasn't suggested that her partner shouldn't be there[/quote]
sorry AND he should be the only one I meant !

[ttigerlilly]

I wouldn't even be able to look him in the eye after calling water births "disgusting"

What an utter asshole.

[Toptotoeunicolour]

I do understand that for him, it is a more intimate and special occasion for the two of you to share if it is not shared with people he is not close to (forgetting the professional medical staff for a moment). I think that matters and people should not be encouraging you to dismiss his feelings like this. I also think a grown woman depending on her mother, when she does have all the said medical professionals around her, is a bit odd. But ultimately, do what you want to.

[Puckishly]

It’s not an ‘intimate moment’ or a bloody date night, it’s a painful, lengthy, potentially dangerous biological process which happens to the labouring mother only. She gets to have the people, props and pain relief she wants.