Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

Frazzled I didn't actually realise I had a choice to be honest!

@topoftheshops

Frazzled I didn't actually realise I had a choice to be honest!

You absolutely do have a right to ask for a female member of staff to treat you. You’ll get posters telling you that you don’t, but they’re full of shite. In some cases, depending on the treatment/care needed, you may have to wait longer for an available appointment and if you’re a male inpatient, it can be more difficult, due to the fact that those that work on the wards are predominantly females. During an emergency, you may be in no fit state or indeed care who treats you, but for standard treatments/care your preferences should be taken into consideration.

However, it’s best to make your preferences known while the appointments are being made, rather than arriving and objecting if a male member of staff goes to treat you.

@topoftheshops

Let Male nurses who identify as women work in cervical screening as it Validates their feelings

Not wanting to get into a trans debate, but is it really abnormal for males to do this? All my cervical screenings have been done by my male gynaecologist, with a chaperone.

My ex DP asked me to get off the bed in the early labour ward in the middle of the night so he could sleep - and to my shame I let him take the bed and sat on a hard chair with my tens machine. When I cried because of the pain he didn't comfort me, I don't think he touched me once during the whole thing

I am horrified for you. I am so glad you said ex!!

I suspect the reference was to an incident when a woman who had specifically requested a female nurse was given an appointment with a pre-op transwoman, pointed out when she arrived that she wanted a female, and the nurse continued to maintain that their gender was female.

inews.co.uk/news/health/nhs-woman-transgender-nurse-smear-test-114009

If I'm correct, the poster referencing this didn't explain too well, but I'd say that is an entirely different situation from a woman who doesn't mind being seen by a male, is seen by a male who doesn't try and argue that they're anything other, and is fine with this.

@BwanaMakubwa

My husband didn't want my mum there. She didn't come. I think he already felt vulnerable in the process in terms of his role, and really wanted to be the one who supported me and not to be sidelined or relegated in the birth of his own children. So I agreed. And I don't regret taking him into account.

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby and not his "choice" not to be able to labour. He wants to feel like a crucial part of the process of bringing his baby into the world in the only way he can, by supporting his partner. I think a life partnership needs to have a more respectful discussion than "my choice, end of".

Finally - someone who gets it. It's a partnership on both sides not a dictatorship on either.

*Let Male nurses who identify as women work in cervical screening as it Validates their feelings

Not wanting to get into a trans debate, but is it really abnormal for males to do this? All my cervical screenings have been done by my male gynaecologist, with a chaperone.*

It is entirely normal for me to work in cervical screening for men or to be gynaecologists or midwifes ect, absolutely nothing wrong with it and I encourage any man with the right skill set to go into these jobs as they are very fulfilling and worthy careers. However there is everything wrong with a woman going for a cervical screening, requesting a female doctor to perform it (for whatever reason from previous trauma, to religion to just plain 'prudishness') and that doctor being a man who is trans and thus identifies as a woman. Then claiming that they are a 'woman', and the woman having the procedure is discriminating against them and transphobic for refusing to let them treat them because of their sex, and that allowing the transwoman to perform procedures on women who've asked for a female doctor validates the transwoman in their 'womanhood', and that this is more important than the woman who is undergoing the screenings comfort and right to have a same sex doctor.

dumpling that is with the proviso that a sensible and respectful discussion is possible, and your partner is a grown up.

@NotMyTimes legally though you would have to declare your original birth sex as it’s now on forms. I’ve never come across any trans med professionals. You make an interesting point and it has made me wonder where the trans Dr or what ever professional role where they would stand legally? I have requested a woman for cervical screenings and I can’t imagine a trans would even get the job role! I also would not be happy for a trans Dr to do my examination... nothing personal.

@Heyhih3

I believe under current regulation once transmen or transwomen have gone through transition (I don't know to what extent re hormones, genital surgery ect) they can legally change their sex on their birth certificate so would they then be able to write that sex on their medical forms? I don't know but it is something that worries me. Same as you've I've never personally come across a trans medical professional but no way is a trans 'woman' (a biological man) doing any kind of intimate medical examination on me. I am not bigoted, I wouldn't let a man do the same procedure on me either for very personal reasons, I would honestly rather run the risks that come with turning down the procedure. As it becomes more widespread to view that 'transwomen are women' this seriously worries me. All the TRA's say that regulations around gender vs sex will 'literally' kill trans people (through suicide) but if these regulations do go through I honestly believe they will kill woman (and occasionally men too but I think more women) as more turn down medical procedures out of discomfort, trauma and beliefs which prevent them from accepting intimate procedures and examinations from the opposite sex thus leaving them to die from preventable illnesses and conditions.

I didn’t know that about the birth certificate it I will google it, it seems odd. On any kind of job application form they do tend to ask were you born a man/woman originally not quite as blunt as that though.... trans is complex very complex. Regarding medicine I doubt you would be able to mislead patients and pose as trans woman I imagine if the patient found out they would complain.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to derail the thread I thought the original point was that we wouldn't let men do cervical screenings so why let pre op trans women, I didn't know whether my experience with a male gynaecologist was unusual/rare. Completely get the point about women who have specifically asked for a female doctor.

When I was 18 I went for the pill. In those day’s it was normal for an internal to be undertaken. I had a male doctor. I can remember sobbing whilst he checked me as it just didn’t feel right. At that stage I hadn’t had sex with my boyfriend and yet her was a stranger inspecting me. It just felt so wrong and I should have asked for a woman.

Why on earth would he say a water birth is disgusting?? When he rips apart pushing out a baby he can call the shots?

I'd be tempted to just have your mam and not him!

@heyhih3

Forget complain. I would sue. I do not consent to a man (an adult human male, however they might identify) performing an intimate examination or procedure on me. If one does under the guise of being female or a woman by 'identifying' as such they have assaulted me by doing the procedure against my consent.

@NotMyTimes I agree I doubt it would be aloud.

@BwanaMakubwa

dumpling that is with the proviso that a sensible and respectful discussion is possible, and your partner is a grown up.

Agreed!

@Hedgehog44 Thinking a water birth is yuk doesn't make someone controlling

No, you are right. However, telling your partner they can't have one is though.

if your partner is telling you what to do, and you are doing that, and not what you want, you are NOT in control of this situation at all.

Coffeeandbeans

I find water births yuk also, that's just opinions.

But at the end of the day you need to go through the birth so if you want a water birth then that's what you should have! That's the controlling part.

My exH also refused to let me have my Mum at the birth - the conversation was almost identical to yours. I was torn in two at a time when I should have been avoiding emotional turmoil.

He was a terrible birthing partner (slept for most of it) and I regret my decision to abide by his wishes. Of course, as others have said this wasn't his only attempt to control me and my relationship with my family and that's why he's now a very lonely man!

@Raaaa why? Interested to understand this?

OP, men who think you giving birth is somehow about them are an ultimate red flag.

I gave birth 16 weeks ago, Ofc I ‘asked’ DH if he minded my DM being there but luckily he gave the only response a man should in that situation ‘I’m happy with whatever you need this experience to be’

I’m not saying if there was long term friction/ a serious problem between DM and DH I wouldn’t think it was inappropriate for her to be there but failing that giving birth is the one time in life you completely call the shots.

Op, the birth is about you not him.

PP called your OH a controlling fuckwit - my DH wouldn't have been happy if my mum was there. It's "our" moment as a couple. I'd even go as far as saying he would have been hurt to think that I didn't trust him enough for support. I know this isn't AIBU but I do think you're being unreasonable.