Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

I don't think some PP are taking context into account here. If you have a lovely trusting secure relationship where power is evenly distributed then you probably can't relate to this.

But OP has a relationship where what he says goes on the stuff that they should dialogue about. He has made it so!

Feels like at the end of the day one person wants something and the other doesn't but it should be the person who has to do something painful, scary and let's face it life threatening who gets to make the shots not the person watching from a chair by the side of the bed.

@FloreanFortescue

PP called your OH a controlling fuckwit - my DH wouldn't have been happy if my mum was there. It's "our" moment as a couple. I'd even go as far as saying he would have been hurt to think that I didn't trust him enough for support. I know this isn't AIBU but I do think you're being unreasonable.

Is your DH such an ignorant arsehole that he thinks he can say a water birth is disgusting and therefore veto it?

@ZombieLizzieBennet separate issue. Doesn't invalidate his request for the mother to not be there.

No, it is an essential and indivisible part of this issue. A partner who is an ignorant, controlling arsehole who can't even be arsed to do any research before issuing commands has no right to feel hurt at their partner correctly identifying that they aren't likely to be sufficient support.

Is anyonr reminded of that creepy tom cruise story that he in his scientology believes made katie holmes give birth in silence?

The baby is 100% the mothers until it leaves her body. Her body her birth. Its shocking that in 2020 women are falling over themselves to center men in birth.

Yes. The idea that pain control was wrong, pain natural but silence the desirable response. Very creepy. Exactly what the attempted denial of pain relief, described here, made me think of.

😱