Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

Op if you want your mom there you have her there. If you want a water birth you have one. This birth is all about you and what you want and you are already being so kind by thinking of your partners feelings.

For people saying its weird to want your mom there when you give birth, hardly. Its been something humans have done since humans began, men involved with birth is so very recent 1970s. Its not weird at all. As a personal annecdote i was always someone who thought i wouldnt want my mom at the birth if i had a baby, but when i had a mc last year dp was so stressed he was useless just shouting at me pacing the floor recoiling at the blood he was the one who actually phoned my mom in the end to help me. He knows if we are ever lucky enough to have a baby my mom might well be there and hes ok with that. So if the op wants her mom its not weird or childish it all boils down to relationship and who can handle what. Impregnating someone does not mean you have a level head and can advocate or reassure someone. And it certainly does not give you any rights to dictate anything about the birth.

yep, which is why I've never tried to get a doula to impregnate me

🤣🤣🤣

Id respect his wishes tbh, I think the birth of your child should just be between you and your partner.
It's such a special moment between you both when they arrive..
My mum came to the hospital within hours of him being born, OH went home to sleep, and my mum looked after me and DS.
Worked out so well.

I really don't think things will be OK covid wise in September. I think they will be just as strict.
There's a second wave anticipated due to Boris letting pubs open... Absolutely ridiculous idea!

It's such a special moment between you both when they arrive..

Not for me it wasn't. It was traumatic and terrifying, and by the time they extracted the baby, I barely knew who was in the room. I wish my mother could have been there, she might have been a better advocate than my husband who had no idea, no experience at all.

You may choose to consider it a ‘special moment’, @Ducky1900. For some of us it was also a long, frightening, dangerous, painful, medical ordeal, in which our lives and/or the lives of our babies were on the line. The OP’s partner sounds like a poor advocate for her needs and minimally supportive. If she wants someone in addition, she should feel free to do so.

I haven't rtft but have you considered who you're going to pick if it comes down to it?

I'm also due in September and whilst they don't know how it will be now, the midwife suggests that it will be likely that you will only be able to have 1 birth partner there.

Your partner is a knob. Remind him that this isn’t all about him and when he’s pushing a baby out of his vagina he can choose whoever he does or doesn’t want there and you will do the same.

People need to stop putting their own feelings on the op. Just because you hate your mother, or you think birth is a sacred erotic moment between lovers, or your highly into being a submissive and doing everything your partner tells you or your birth was a virginal perfect pure white affair where the baby glided out serenely with no mess as you gazed lovingly into your husbands eyes, doesnt mean its the same for everyone.

Op wants her mom there and feels comforted with that then thats all there bloody is to it.

Since when did it become ok for others to tell a pregnant woman who to have with her and how to deliver the child?

I am not sure he's a fuckwit, really.
He sounds fearful - most men have no clue what goes on to prepare for a water birth and the precautions that are taken in the event that it might not go as planned. He also anxious to prove himself as a father.
If he is not controlling in other ways, I'd consider his opinion. If he's insisting his own mother be in the room, all bets are off.
I'm sure PP have suggested having your mother close by.

the answer is its not abut him its about you and the baby this time.

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby...
What is wrong with so many women? Only one person is pushing their baby out, often going through pain and stress, risking their health and yes their life. There is nothing equal opportunity about giving birth.

This is about your experience and you are the one giving birth.

You are the one who is allowing even your DH to be there. Having your DH/DP is supposed to be about having a support person to make your labour better- not providing some sort of special experience for them 🙄

If you want an additional support partner then that is your choice. Why should your feelings of comfort at such a vulnerable time come second to your DH having some sort of special experience

Have your mum there. My ex DH refused the same for both births and I regretted listening to him. Second time round it all went extremely wrong for me...ffs she won’t be there just to support you but also him if things get that bad.

fucking hell, sometimes things are reductionist for a reason.

She's the one doing the dangerous and painful act of giving birth. She's the one who needs the most support. She should absolutely have the water birth, her mum there, 10 flaming can can dancers and a singing pig if she wants (and covid rules allowed it).

He can register his preferences but ultimately it comes down to her body, her choice.

What did make a difference was that, in the end, she offered some well needed company for my DH (and support for us both)

Yeap, this is what happened when my dd gave birth. The birth took longer than expected and her partner had to leave for a while, then later she had to have an emergency c-section and we were left keeping each other company in the worry. Fortunately all was well.

At the end of the day what it boils down to with birth plans, who are your birthing partners, where you give birth etc, it's all about making you as comfortable, emotionally and physically whilst in a stressful and painful situation. I think you need to sit down and explain this to him. I think he is being very unreasonable. I'd maybe understand his preference to not having your mum there, I didn't have my mum at my birth and won't be having her at the next one but we're not close and it would heighten my stress, but for the majority of others the opposite is true, but I kind of see where his stance if wanting it to just be the two of you when baby arrives as that's how I wanted it - HOWEVER that was my choice, and had I wanted someone else there my partner would have gracefully complied (probably had a grumble but never dreamt of arguing it with me). But the part about the water birth baffles me and I probably would have lost it with him at this point yelling things along the lines of "who the hell do you think you are to tell me how I should go about pushing a baby out of my vagina" - he would have seriously had some grovelling to do, and I honestly think your partner needs to learn this.

@timeisnotaline

I don't like these reductionist "pulling rank" arguments, "I am the one in labour so I automatically get to choose". It's both of your baby... What is wrong with so many women? Only one person is pushing their baby out, often going through pain and stress, risking their health and yes their life. There is nothing equal opportunity about giving birth.

This was may poorly expressed post pages ago. What I meant was, TALK about it. Listen to each other. I don't agree with posters who effectively say "ignore your partner he gets no say, close it down, my choice, end of". I am not saying that she has to accept his choices just that imo it is better to properly discuss and reach an agreement than one party say "your opinion is irrelevant to me I will not even discuss your viewpoint".

Of course ultimately a woman's support needs and comfort in labour should be the absolute priority. But properly talking this through is imo still vital in and to a partnership.

It's being reductionist in the talk that I find unhelpful. Closing people down with ",your thoughts don't matter". Not that a woman shouldn't choose ultimately choose who she needs for her support for her labour.

This was may poorly expressed post pages ago. What I meant was, TALK about it. Listen to each other. I don't agree with posters who effectively say "ignore your partner he gets no say, close it down, my choice, end of". I am not saying that she has to accept his choices just that imo it is better to properly discuss and reach an agreement than one party say "your opinion is irrelevant to me I will not even discuss your viewpoint".

How exactly do you envisage this working when the two partners disagree, and it's not something where a middle ground is possible like the question of whether to have an ELCS? As I stated earlier, there are a lot of birth options that are binary, and the only outcome involves one partner getting their way and one not. How should this look? If, as I hope and expect, you'll say the woman ultimately is the one who has the choice, how exactly is this not reductionist?

"Closing people down with ",your thoughts don't matter"."

Ironically, of course, he's the one who shut the OP down. "I said no." She would have been within her rights to shut him down, since it's her birth not his, but he's the one who rejected both her wishes for the birth and shut down any discussion about it.

It's all in the opening post. The OP typed out the conversation and so many people have still responded how they have... either they all lack comprehension skills or - worse - they do understand his attitude and think he's justified

Yes he sounds like a dick.

Bloody appalled at some of these responses!

Hopefully they're coming from an older generation who will die out soon enough and we won't have to read their tripe any longer. If not, then god help us.

OP, you keep saying your relationship is fine but what you've said he has said, is not fine!

Have your mother there if she is allowed, sounds like she would be a brilliant support for you. Have a water birth! It is your body and your choice. Guess what, if you said so, he wouldn't even be allowed in the room!

Your plan sounds like a good one, he needs to educate himself on all of the things that can happen. And even when he has, you can still choose to have your mother there if you want!!!

Rude
I'm one of the "older generation" and fully support a woman's choice to have her preferred birth partner
Her boyfriend is being unreasonable
But thanks for the hope that I'll die soon

"Hopefully they're coming from an older generation who will die out soon enough and we won't have to read their tripe any longer. If not, then god help us."

Actually I think older women are more likely to understand the value of women supporting other women in labour, given that fathers attending is a relatively recent phenomenon (as several PPs have pointed out).

I think there's a worrying trend among younger women to pander to men's demands as if they have "equal rights" when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth.

I'm 34 btw so I don't think of myself as either old or young. I tend to think that feminism has taken a backward step for women my age and younger, my younger sister seems to have struggled with more sexist pressures and more negative attitudes towards feminism.

Anyway, I digress!