Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

If it's appalling and "tripe" these days to generally consider that discussing things with ones partner respectfully is a good thing then I, too, hope to die soon, midwifey.

I'm still interested to hear how you think a situation where the parties disagree and there's no compromise could be anything other than reductionist bwana. Because for the life of me, I can't see any solution other than the mother getting to decide because she's the mother in that scenario, even if unlike this one it featured a father who wasn't a total shitforbrains.

zombie I am not sure if I can be arsed explaining as there will inevitably be a pile on, but I will give it a go.

Humans are complicated creatures. We have messy feelings some of which are illiogical or mean or nasty and others of which are just differing perspectives on something. Generally humans aren't great at perceiving the feelings behind a piece of behaviour. Too often people appear to jump to their own perception of a behaviour and assume they are correct. Having a proper discussion can lead to a better shared understanding of each others' viewpoints even if uktimately you still disagree. Even if you still disagree it's because of what the two perspectives actually are and not what you perceive that they are.

For example, not thinking of the OP's precise situation as her DH has shown elsewhere that he is inconsiderate, but let's assume a different couple are having a baby and the woman says "I'd like my mum there".
Dh's immediate reaction is dismay, "God no!"

Dw can then say "well I am pushing the baby out so it's my choice and you get no say, end of"

That DH now feels dismissed and like his opinions don't matter at all. And the DW feels like the DH doesn't understand her or her needs.

Say the DH answers instead "why did you want your mum there" and she explained that she has been through birth herself etc then DH begins to understand that it isn't that DW thinks that he isn't up to the job it's that she also wants a different type of support too, then he sees his initial Interpretation of her statement was wrong and he might feel happier about it.

Or if he says "God no" and DW says "why would you say that" and then DH explains that he feels like he wants it to be a special time for the 3 of them to be together as a new family unit and get to know each other, or whatever, then the DW might change her mind or she might not a d night just say "well I want that too but I feel I need my mother's support during labour. Maybe we could ask her to leave us alone once baby is weighed, make sure you get first cuddle after me, etc"

Through these sorts of discussion parties can come together with a better understanding. It doesn't mean that the woman's choice isn't ultimately hers to make.i have just always found it better to discuss than to pull rank as a first resort.

I can see his point re the birth being just the two of you, I didn't want anyone else there for that reason, but everyone is different and ultimately it is you that has to get the baby out.

The opposition to a water birth is ridiculous and has no effect on him, therefore no right to a say.

As he has never experienced it before does he understand how long it can take and the benefits of having someone who can take over?

Men don't have 'equal rights' when it comes to childbirth because it is a medical event undergone by the mother. The right to bodily autonomy means that it has to be the mother who is in control. Yes, hopefully the end result is a healthy baby, at which point both parents have an equal say in its care and upbringing. However, the process of getting there can have serious medical implications for the mother. For instance, failure to progress due to stress can lead to interventions being necessary or ultimately a C-section. Consequences for mum can include bad tearing, being surgically 'cut' and, in extreme cases, long-term incontinence and potential prolapse due to the use of implements to get baby out. These risks are small, but they are real risks nonetheless and there are many women dealing with long-term physical problems caused by childbirth and also trying to parent at the same time. It can lead to long-term ill health and destroy their confidence.

This is why I'm amazed at anyone suggesting that the OP would be wrong to ignore her partner if his wishes contradict hers. Because ultimately it is the OP who faces the risk of injury during childbirth (if anything goes wrong, the doctors tend to focus on 'getting baby out', however brutal it is for the mother and whatever damage they cause her). So she needs to de-stress the experience as much as she can to give herself the best chance of labouring without any problems. This means unfortunately it is all about her, not her partner, and he just needs to suck it up if he loves her.

Thanks bwana, but your post doesn't tell us what should happen if there is still disagreement after discussion and compromise isn't possible.

If eg one parent wants an ELCS and one doesn't, what then? How can there be an approach that isn't reductionist after everyone has spoken, reasoning and minds are unchanged because they simply feel differently about which set of risks and benefits are preferable? Or in the situation you outline, what if the father hears everything that's said but still feels the birth is a special time for the family and that should take priority over the mother's desire for support? Does the mother get the casting vote because she's the mother?

Zombie
Yes, mum still gets casting vote but hopefully both parties have a better understanding of each other's positions, both feel heard and like they have a voice. It's about the method of reaching a solution. Not that the woman should sacrifice her needs. But that going into a discussion saying "I push the baby out, you get no say whatsoever" is just incredibly unhelpful in my opinion.

It's the "ignore your partner" bit that is wrong. No, discuss with your partner, but ultimately understand that your needs on this occasion predominate.

@BwanaMakubwa

If it's appalling and "tripe" these days to generally consider that discussing things with ones partner respectfully is a good thing then I, too, hope to die soon, midwifey.

BwanaMakubwa - did you not read the OP? She's tried having a discussion with him, he told her "I said no",further enquiries as to reasons was shot down with "because I don't"

Would people stop saying she should discuss it with him, she's tried that. He's decided he's the boss, what he says goes, end of. The woman gives birth how the man wants, you happy with that?

I agree with a PP that we've lost ground with women's rights in an apparent move to be 'equal' and 'fair', of which childbirth being neither because of biology.

Yes I read the op
No I don't think she should give birth how he wants
Did you read my example above?

Have a good day.

Ultimately then, what you're advocating is still the woman getting the casting vote because she's a woman. That's reductionist. You just think the man should be able to talk before the woman exercises her total right of veto, and think this amounts to having a 'voice'. There's no guarantee this is going to lead to the man feeling anything other than ignored.

And you're completely right about the woman taking priority because she's the one giving birth, but that in itself is reductionist. Which is perfectly ok.

Still disagree with you BwanaMakubwa, women don't have to discuss anything if they're disinclined to.

I'll have an amazing day, thanks

Nobody has to discuss anything.
I just find it makes for a happier partnership with ones life partner if you do.

You are entitled to disagree

Lizzie, maybe I am misusing the term reductionist. Wouldn't surprise me 😏

Wtaf at older generation who’ll ‘hopefully die out soon’!?

It has absolutely nothing to do with age! Many older women absolutely do not centre men in everything, and many younger people absolutely do. Many older women fought and agitated for and directly enabled all the rights and protections that many younger women take for granted.

Don’t be so utterly disrespectful!

And back to the OP...the man absolutely should not be dictating what the woman can or cannot do during labour. He absolutely should not be overruling the woman’s wants and needs in labour. That is just plain wrong.

This man is immature at best, and at worst his behaviour is showing tells of being a less than decent individual. A good, decent man would centre the woman he loves in an experience that is potentially extremely difficult and damaging psychologically and physically.

@motheratbirth I agree with others. You have likely fallen into a relationship with someone who you see as a good man because your previous experience was abusive, but whose behaviour is only marginally better. Please watch out and ensure you take proper care of yourself.

Hopefully they're coming from an older generation who will die out soon enough and we won't have to read their tripe any longer. If not, then god help us.

Tedious, inconsidered, inaccurate agesism helps nobody in this discussion, @midwifeyNC . There isn't a corrolation in this thread between posters and their opinions and their ages.

I really hate this "if in doubt, shit on older women - they are probably to blame, somehow" trend.

I agree ArcheryAnnie

I would respect his wishes. If she doesn’t do anything then why would you want her there? He is probably going to be very supportive and if your mum was there maybe he feels embarrassed to if there’s someone in the corner watching

"He is probably going to be very supportive"

Ah yes we can definitely conclude that based on his behaviour and comments so far

If it's appalling and "tripe" these days to generally consider that discussing things with ones partner respectfully is a good thing then I, too, hope to die soon

What about the OP’s situation led you to the view that he was up for a respectful discussion?

And if you don’t think the way he ‘discussed’ this was reasonable, what does your point have to do with this thread?

Because as far as I’m concerned, OP’s husband lost any right he had to a respectful discussion when he told her ‘I said no’ to a decision she wanted to make about her birth.

Had he said ‘Can you help me understand why you want your mum there?’ then he would have opened the door to the kind of respectful discussion you are envisioning. But he didn’t. He shut her down and made it clear that he believes his views on the birth take precedence over hers, even though it’s something she will go through, not him. At that point, OP is not only entitled to ignore him and refuse to discuss the topic - she should actually be encouraged to.

midwifeyNC much as I agree with the rest of your post, you are mistaken in your ageism.

Until senility kicks in, older women are still capable of thinking and having a valid opinion.

Personally I am now a living history book that can remember the time when women in labour were not allowed to have any friend or family with them. While a lot of my generation were born at home, where no man would have been allowed in.

What I am seeing here is a mistaken belief in equality, or romance maybe, where a father's "right" to witness the birth of their child is seen as more important than the woman's comfort.

@LizzyAnna99

I would respect his wishes. If she doesn’t do anything then why would you want her there? He is probably going to be very supportive and if your mum was there maybe he feels embarrassed to if there’s someone in the corner watching

Wtf...

I don't understand the women who would prioritise the husband's wishes in a situation where the question is what support the woman wants while giving birth. Why would you do that? For easy life, so he would't kick off? Or are you genuinely convinced you and your wishes matter less?

@LizzyAnna99

I would respect his wishes. If she doesn’t do anything then why would you want her there? He is probably going to be very supportive and if your mum was there maybe he feels embarrassed to if there’s someone in the corner watching

I would expect him to respect my wishes.

I would want support from someone who cared more about my needs than his preferences.

There is nothing to suggest he is going to be very supportive from that OP has said.

If he feels embarrassed to be supportive when someone is watching him, he shouldn't be anyone's birth partner. What's he going to do, demand the midwives look away because he can't cope with being seen by anyone?

Why does your partner think he gets to have the final decision on your labour?

So what if he thinks a water birth is disgusting, you’re the one doing this, you get to choose.

I thinks it very worrying that he is saying that he is all the support you should need. I know you say he’s lovely and amazing and all that, but it doesn’t sound like it to me.