Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

I just think more than 1 birthing partner makes for a crowded delivery room and slows things down. Ultimately it is OP's decision but I don't really see the need, it is second pregnancy so OP knows the drill and will also have her midwife.

I also appreciate how MIL can sometimes dominate the room. I saw a programme once where a c-section was needed and mum was told to choose one birthing partner. She chose her DH and the MIL had a right strop.

I could understand if there was a practice need, such as a home birth where she was needed to watch older children etc or if you were expecting a traumatic delivery but otherwise OTT.

Interestingly, there's evidence that having a woman to support you leads to better outcomes, it's in the Nice guidance, but I don't know of anything indicating benefits from a partner's presence. I had my DH there myself but then my births were fucking awful!

Wolfgirrl
MIL? If you're referring to the woman's mother as MIL, that's interesting, as you're defining her according to her relationship to the man, not the woman giving birth.

@AnotherEmma yes because I was speaking from his perspective. So I couldn't say 'his mum's could I.

Well that's my point.
Too many people are focusing on his perpective and prioritising It over the birthing mother's perspective.
If my mum was there when I gave birth, she'd be nothing other than my mum / baby's grandma.
DH would be too focused on me and baby to worry about whether his MIL was there or not. And tbh based on my first birth experience he'd probably be glad she was there!

Honestly, some of these responses are absolutely fucking mental. Absolutely awful.

A man, who will never know or understand the experience of labour and birth should NEVER, ever tell a woman how she should give birth!! He's entitled to his opinion, he's entitled to freedom of speech. That's it. He has absolutely no say about what method of pain relief she uses or how she wants to birth.

For those saying that it's his baby too. Yes, of course its his baby, but ultimately he isn't pushing the baby out of his jap eye is he, so he has zero say.

Correct.

Indeed @Flutterpieandpinkieshy. Men have to be centred in everything now.

Childbirth is about giving them a magical experience.

Don’t talk about periods as it makes them feel excluded.

Don’t breast feed as it means they can’t give baby a bottle.

Let Male nurses who identify as women work in cervical screening as it Validates their feelings ( doesn’t matter about the patients ).

They‘ll be coming for the menopause soon.

If he was asking you, rather than telling you, then I'd have more sympathy. He isn't giving an opinion, he is making demands.

There is a huge difference between "You are not having a water birth, they're disgusting" and "I'd prefer it if you didn't have a water birth as they seen unsanitary".

So YANBU, just because he's an arse. Your body, your birth, your choice.

(If you wanted to be diplomatic, offer a compromise. Just you two to start. If things get difficult, you can call your mum to your side immediately).

Good luck x

If he was asking you, rather than telling you, then I'd have more sympathy. He isn't giving an opinion, he is making demands.

There is a huge difference between "You are not having a water birth, they're disgusting" and "I'd prefer it if you didn't have a water birth as they seen unsanitary".

So YANBU, just because he's an arse. Your body, your birth, your choice.

(If you wanted to be diplomatic, offer a compromise. Just you two to start. If things get difficult, you can call your mum to your side immediately).

Good luck x

To be honest I think that women really get shafted by the idea that the father of their baby must be their birthing partner. It becomes all about the man not missing out not who is best placed to support the women during a time of pain/major medical procedure if a c section. I do appreciate that men should have a say if the women is placing the baby at serious risk (taking drugs/drinking heavily, skipping scans etc) but aside from that then no, he doesn't get to say 'eh yuck that's a bit messy and uncomfortable for me' so you must have the birth I want despite the baby coming out of your body and not mine.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't have a water birth as they seen unsanitary"

I'd be very interested in the research into the 'unsanitary' nature of water births.

I made the mistake of saying I was hoping for a water birth in conversation with my in-laws, not British, MIL a retired midwife and very opinionated anyway, let alone about childbirth. Cue a long speech by MIL with SIL joining in about how awful water births are 🙄

People do have their opinions but the only ones that matter are the pregnant woman and the HCPs responsible for her care.

@blackcat86

To be honest I think that women really get shafted by the idea that the father of their baby must be their birthing partner. It becomes all about the man not missing out not who is best placed to support the women during a time of pain/major medical procedure if a c section. I do appreciate that men should have a say if the women is placing the baby at serious risk (taking drugs/drinking heavily, skipping scans etc) but aside from that then no, he doesn't get to say 'eh yuck that's a bit messy and uncomfortable for me' so you must have the birth I want despite the baby coming out of your body and not mine.

This! Sometimes the partner is the best person to have as birthing partner. Sometimes, he may not be. But how many women feel they can tell their partner that?!

@Dilatory

"I'd prefer it if you didn't have a water birth as they seen unsanitary"

I'd be very interested in the research into the 'unsanitary' nature of water births.

It isn’t.

He’s still allowed to have a stupid opinion, though.

As long as he’s aware that a) it’s just his opinion, not fact, b) it’s not his decision to make c) labour and delivery is about the woman and the baby, not him, and d) if she decides to go ahead anyway that is her prerogative and he should know to leave well alone!

My DH thought using the birthing pool was ‘a bit of a fad’ and ‘he can’t see what good it would do’ so was surprised when I said I would like that option if available. However the minute I said I did want it he just accepted that and is fully prepared to support me in pushing for that option. He’s also read the sections of the books I’ve pointed out to him and watched the Positive Birth Company course videos with me so he knows now why it’s not a fad and what good it may well do.

I know I said it before but I really do recommend that course, it’s really helped us both - husband understands the process a lot more and feels happier that he’s been given specific tasks to do, and it’s helped me to actually be clear about what I want for the birth, what I want if plan A doesn’t work, what I want if plan A and plan B don’t work etc, and to be able to actually put into words what I need from my husband rather than just generally expecting him to ‘be supportive’.

@Dilatory there is no research because it's a load of crap I made up. The point I was making was his approach, rather than the content.x

To be honest I think that women really get shafted by the idea that the father of their baby must be their birthing partner.

It certainly has brought a new possible source of conflict into relationships. Fortunately I gave birth in a hospital where they didn't allow you to bring anyone else into the labour ward, otherwise my ex would have insisted on coming and been mortally offended by my refusal.

Though, I'm not denying that it can have its benefits for a lot of people.

To be honest I think that women really get shafted by the idea that the father of their baby must be their birthing partner.

I agree. A friend or female relative is in many cases going to be more use.

My ex DP asked me to get off the bed in the early labour ward in the middle of the night so he could sleep - and to my shame I let him take the bed and sat on a hard chair with my tens machine. When I cried because of the pain he didn't comfort me, I don't think he touched me once during the whole thing. And in the delivery suite he just sat on a chair halfway across the room. It was a relief when he said he was going home because he needed sleep for work the next day (where he wasn't needed at all but didn't take any time off.)

If I could do it again, I would ask literally any woman in my life to be there instead of him.

😱

I kind of wanted my mum but my husband didn't so we didn't. I'm glad we didn't because I ended up having an emergency c-section and it would have petrified my mum plus I was induced and waited on a ward for like two days! Remember these things can go on for a long time.

To be honest I think that women really get shafted by the idea that the father of their baby must be their birthing partner.

Absolutely. Men, or whoever, are there to support the woman. Everything flows from that, and that alone. Any midwife will say this too.

Let Male nurses who identify as women work in cervical screening as it Validates their feelings

Not wanting to get into a trans debate, but is it really abnormal for males to do this? All my cervical screenings have been done by my male gynaecologist, with a chaperone.

My ex DP asked me to get off the bed in the early labour ward in the middle of the night so he could sleep - and to my shame I let him take the bed and sat on a hard chair with my tens machine. When I cried because of the pain he didn't comfort me, I don't think he touched me once during the whole thing

I am horrified for you. I am so glad you said ex!!

My ex DP asked me to get off the bed in the early labour ward in the middle of the night so he could sleep - and to my shame I let him take the bed and sat on a hard chair with my tens machine.

There is only one person in that story who should feel shame, and it isn't you.

@topoftheshops

Let Male nurses who identify as women work in cervical screening as it Validates their feelings

Not wanting to get into a trans debate, but is it really abnormal for males to do this? All my cervical screenings have been done by my male gynaecologist, with a chaperone.

My ex DP asked me to get off the bed in the early labour ward in the middle of the night so he could sleep - and to my shame I let him take the bed and sat on a hard chair with my tens machine. When I cried because of the pain he didn't comfort me, I don't think he touched me once during the whole thing

I am horrified for you. I am so glad you said ex!!

Thankfully all mine have been done by women.

When I needed gynae treatment I chose a woman consultant.

If I was ever faced with a man if I went for a Pap smear, I’d walk out.