Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

@chalkiegirl

Since when has it become a thing to have your mother and other friends and relatives present at births. It certainly wasn't happening when I last gave birth (admittedly 35 years ago). It seems to cause quite a lot of aggravation judging by this thread and other similar ones that I've seen. Personally, I'd have absolutely hated it. Surely if you have a partner who helped you make the baby, that should be sufficient company in the delivery room.

Lots of people have their Mothers at the birth I don’t think this is a new trend! Many people are close to their Mothers and OPs husband has NO right to demand he can be there but he should not be insistent on not having OPs mother present as well.

@Aquamarine1029

The one pushing a baby out of their vagina calls the shots. Your partner sounds like a controlling fuckwit.

This.

He doesn't get any choice in the matter.

@MojoJojo71 absolutely I couldn’t agree more.

@chalkiegirl

Since when has it become a thing to have your mother and other friends and relatives present at births. It certainly wasn't happening when I last gave birth (admittedly 35 years ago). It seems to cause quite a lot of aggravation judging by this thread and other similar ones that I've seen. Personally, I'd have absolutely hated it. Surely if you have a partner who helped you make the baby, that should be sufficient company in the delivery room.

Giving birth with older women you knew present is something we as a species have been doing much, much longer than we've commonly had partners there. It was 100% a thing when you gave birth 35 years ago, just perhaps not in your circles. I had my husband there when I gave birth and am happy with the decision, but it's that practice that's new and unusual, not older female loved ones. You have that completely arse about face!

You should have whoever you feel comfortable with in with you and balls if he doesn’t like it.

Have the birth u want

@chalkiegirl

Since when has it become a thing to have your mother and other friends and relatives present at births. It certainly wasn't happening when I last gave birth (admittedly 35 years ago). It seems to cause quite a lot of aggravation judging by this thread and other similar ones that I've seen. Personally, I'd have absolutely hated it. Surely if you have a partner who helped you make the baby, that should be sufficient company in the delivery room.

This makes no sense The skills involved in being a sexual partner are very different from those involved in being a birth partner.

If he thinks water births are disgusting what does he think a normal birth is going to be like.

If he is going to be dictating to you what type of birth you are going to have then what happens if you have to have an EMCS.
Is he going to be arguing with the drs that he only wanted for you to give birth naturally with no pain relief and he doesn’t want an epidural fitted or you to have any type of anaesthetic

He sounds more of a hindrance than a support

He gets to stare his opinion, he doesn't get to decide. Either about your mum or your birth choices.

He sounds massively self-centred. Birth isn't a show for his benefit, he's there to be supportive or else he can fuck off out of it.

He gets to stare his opinion, he doesn't get to decide. Either about your mum or your birth choices.

He sounds massively self-centred. Birth isn't a show for his benefit, he's there to be supportive or else he can fuck off out of it.

@motheratbirth

So many comments to get through! 😅

1. My partner is not abusive or controlling. Commenting about my relationship really isn't necessary, we're fine.
2. I'm not trying to have my mother there INSTEAD of my partner, I want both of them if I'm allowed.
3. I want my mum there for comfort, whether she does anything or not. She's had 5 kids, one that didn't end well. She will know how I feel if I'm not able to communicate it myself or she'll know what is going on when my partner doesn't.
4. I've already told him my mum will not interfere with anything unless she needs to (ie when he doesn't understand what's happening). She is not the type of person to take over, make her opinion the main one over his over menial things or even take over the baby when he's born.
5. Didn't even think of a water bath as proper pain relief for some reason, I will talk to him about this again.

I think my main concern is that he'll be completely under prepared so....My plan going forward, after reading all the comments, is to ask him to show me that he will be all the support I need for the birth and then I won't invite my mother. As in get his shit together and actually research what is needed/expected of him. I have now also written out a birthing plan specifically for my partner so he knows exactly what I want so I don't have to rely on his uninformed opinion as he currently doesn't know anything that what could go wrong.
If that doesn't happen by the time I go into labour then my mother will be there. I will ask her to leave when I actually push the baby out and have her wait a while before coming back in so at least my partner gets a moment with just us, which is the 'main moment' really.

Your plans sound really sensible. You’re making clear what you will need from him and asking him to research how to help you and what to expect. I hope it all goes well for you and you have the birth you want.

I’m impressed you’ve managed to ignore the many pp who think they know your relationship and your partner better than you do, on the basis of around 20 lines of text from you!

Tell him to bollocks. You are going through something he can never begin to understand let alone experience. Have your water birth, with your mum and your partner, and he may, just may understand your reasoning afterwards.

I’ve not read the entire thread but thought I’d share my opinion as I was basically in this position 2+ years ago when pregnant with DS.

DH didn’t want my mum there, I did. My mum came. He wasn’t happy about it initially (not AT the birth, beforehand when we were discussing it) but eventually he accepted it was my decision and not his. Turns out my mum being there made zero difference to the magical moment of DS being born (in the water might I add). What did make a difference was that, in the end, she offered some well needed company for my DH (and support for us both).

You need to keep pushing on this. I know not everyone will agree but it is ultimately your decision. All the best OP x

Nope he doesn't get a say! Have your mum there (and then make sure she gets first cuddle after you as a thank you!)

Since when has it become a thing to have your mother and other friends and relatives present at births. It certainly wasn't happening when I last gave birth (admittedly 35 years ago).
It seems to cause quite a lot of aggravation judging by this thread and other similar ones that I've seen.
Personally, I'd have absolutely hated it. Surely if you have a partner who helped you make the baby, that should be sufficient company in the delivery room.

It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do 35 years ago. Every woman should be empowered to make the decisions she likes in respect of her birth.

I personally wouldn’t choose to have my mum present at my birth, but I’m not so arrogant as to think that makes it the ‘wrong’ decision. I respect every choice that a woman makes, and I wouldn’t dream of assuming I knew best for another woman.

Another woman who's swapped one abusive man for a differently abusive one, but thinks he's amazing (never seen a single one called this who actually is), and procreates with each one.

He's not support, a person who 'wings it' and tells you that you can't give birth the way you want is not supportive.

This will all fall on deaf ears and you'll give the baby his surname, too.

Awaits next thread. He's showing you his true colours.

Jeez some of these replies. I'm shocked! If OP wants her mother there, she wants her mother there! Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean someone else wouldn't want that. She's given birth before with her mum present and as a result of that she has decided she feels comfortable having her mum there, that's all there is to know.

You do exactly as you wish O.P. If he doesn't want a water birth or doesn't want your mum there, then that's his look out and he doesn't need to come.

Making babies requires a totally different skillset than being a supportive birth partner.

It's ridiculous that people are even having to point it out.

I mean come on, childbirth and sex, completely different things.

This thread is giving me the rage now!

@KatharinaRosalie

Making babies requires a totally different skillset than being a supportive birth partner.

Yep, which is why I've never tried to get a doula to impregnate me.

🤣

could she wait outside the room and be called in if needed?

If you want her there you should have her there. I wish I'd insisted at my first birth. My ex was utterly useless, to be fair he was scared out of his mind. When it turned into an emergency c section he could barely string a sentence together and disappeared that night and didn't return until the following night. Your choice imo.

could she wait outside the room and be called in if needed?

She’s already needed, OP wants her there

I've said "I said no" to my four-year-old a few times when she's badgering me for more sweets or whatever, and I need to really lay down the law.
Saying it to another adult is beyond the pale. It's a really, really red flag that he said this to you. He thinks he's the boss.