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Original poster

Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

176 replies

Yellowhearts · 07/04/2020 22:57

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 07/04/2020 23:04

Firstly I completely understand your biological desire for a child. I suffered hugely with broodiness from the age of 25 and nothing would stop it/take it away. However, I was in a far better position than you were (was married, had savings, stable career) and I still realised that things needed to be done before I TTC. So I made a list of the 5 things and worked through them as fast as I could before we went down that route. It sounds like you need to get out of debt, you need to build up emergency savings, you need to not rely on his family to bail you out, you need to find another job etc. I found it really hard to take that step back and focus on my own list, but a truly good parent is one that puts their baby first. You need to create the right environment for your future child. Also, you might want to think about marriage as you're in a vulnerable situation, and if you would seriously consider leaving your bf if he wasn't willing to start trying 'soon' (and with your debt, unemployment etc he'd be daft too), then perhaps you should also reevaluate your relationship, as it doesn't sound the most happy and secure one to bring a child into either.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/04/2020 23:10

Why haven't you had a job for the last year Confused

Do you live very rurally?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 07/04/2020 23:13

I personally wouldnt have a baby unless i was employed and debt free.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 07/04/2020 23:13

If you can’t afford it- how will you buy baby clothes, prams, cots, nappies, wipes, formula, toys etc? Confused

RaspberryBubblegum · 07/04/2020 23:14

Why can't you get a job and use it to save for a baby?

Wolfgirrl · 07/04/2020 23:14

Having a baby really isnt as expensive as everyone makes out if you are willing to buy things second hand. The only things you need to buy new are a mattress for the cot and tins of formula if you plan to bottle feed, plus toiletries like nappies and wipes. Everything else you can find on facebook, gumtree etc. You will be surprised at how many people pop out the woodwork with bags of baby stuff to give away when you announce a pregnancy! Not to mention stuff people give you as gifts, etc.

I'm going against the grain here, but if it took you years to clear your debts and then it was too late you would kick yourself. Some things in life are more important than money, and children are one of them. If you commit to doing things on a shoe string and not trying to make everything insta-perfect having a baby on a budget is very doable.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

SilverBangle · 07/04/2020 23:16

If you can’t afford a baby who are you expecting to pay for it for 18+ years?

Megan2018 · 07/04/2020 23:16

Don’t be ridiculous, you sound very immature! Having a child is huge, what you “want” doesn’t trump being unable to provide. The economy is going to be terrible for many years, get a job, get established and then do it.

Don’t even get me started on opting out of pensions FFS Hmm

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2020 23:18

Why don't you work?

transformandriseup · 07/04/2020 23:20

My DH earns less than yours and we aren't struggling but I would get a part time job if I were you and clear your debt first

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 07/04/2020 23:20

The only things you need to buy new are a mattress for the cot and tins of formula if you plan to bottle feed, plus toiletries like nappies and wipes.

And a car seat if they plan to go anywhere by car. They’re quite pricey.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/04/2020 23:20

You need to get a job now. Try a local supermarket to see if they are hiring. Once you start bringing in a regular wage and save i(put a little aside to pay off your debts too) then you should be in a position to think about adding children to the mix

Cecily75 · 07/04/2020 23:22

Is there a reason that you don't work?

Having a baby isn't expensive - it's raising the baby that requires a regular and secure income. If you & your partner are not in a position to save, how will you find the extra money for baby food, and equipment?

I understand the desire for a child, but you would be bringing a child into a life of poverty and debt (by your own description). Is that fair for a child?

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/04/2020 23:23

* If you commit to doing things on a shoe string and not trying to make everything insta-perfect having a baby on a budget is very doable.*

Or she could wait a couple of years and not need to spend all her time trying to find second hand bargains. Being in a good financial position is vital before you start trying for kids especially if unmarried - all it would take is a break up and then she would struggle to make ends meat.

3xmother · 07/04/2020 23:27

Why you don't have a job?
You sound very immature to me.

DerbyshireGirly · 07/04/2020 23:28

Please don't choose to bring a child into a life of poverty.

TokenGinger · 07/04/2020 23:30

Having a baby really isnt as expensive as everyone makes out if you are willing to buy things second hand.

I completely disagree. My son uses 1 tin of formula every four days. On a 31 day month, that's 7-8 tins. At £8 a tin, thats £64 a month on formula alone.

If you can breast feed, great. But if not, feeding and clothing a child is expensive if you live hand to mouth like you do now.

There's so many costs to consider.

Get a job.

JKScot4 · 07/04/2020 23:30

Out of work for a year? Before the lockdown there were jobs aplenty.
Get a job, make a dent in your debts before a baby.
To say you’ll dump your BF if he doesn’t agree is pretty nasty.

Aly92 · 07/04/2020 23:30

If he’s barely making ends meat then why add a baby. Can you imagine panicking over not having enough money for formula. No matter what anyone says, nappies wipes, milk all these things cost a decent amount. You
Need to get a job and stop expecting him to do everything for you.

Greybutterfly · 07/04/2020 23:31

You need to concentrate on getting a job. How could you support a baby when you can’t even support yourself. You would also be entitled to maturity pay after 6 months. Aren’t embarrassed having your bfs parents bail you out at the age of 30.

In one breathe you want a baby with your boyfriend and in the next you want to leave him. This is not the right environment for a child. So it’s ok to use him and his family for money but if he doesn’t do exactly as you say your leaving him. That’s emotional blackmail. I hope you show him this thread so he can see how selfish you are.

Candyfloss99 · 07/04/2020 23:35

No extremely unfair to bring a child into a life of poverty. Sort your own life out before creating a new one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2020 23:35

You need a job. You need to pay off your debts. You need some savings. What would you do if your boyfriend lost his job? You're already expecting him to fund you, now you expect him to entirely fund a baby or two and if he won’t then you’ll leave him? You’re not in a good place and lobbing a baby in to the mix isn’t going to make things better. The worst thing you’ve said is you’ll leave him if he won’t agree. What if he said he’d leave you if you didn’t start paying your way and taking some responsibility for your debts!

DamnShesaSexyChick · 07/04/2020 23:36

Please don't, it's utterly miserable having a baby when you're in debt and have hardly any money. Get a job and rethink it in a year.

CJsGoldfish · 07/04/2020 23:47

It does sound bad, like you say. Especially that you don't even cover your own debt, he does or your FAMILY do, yet you may leave if he says no to a baby right now? WTF? That just shows how unready you actually are. If you are barely making it now and you don't actually contribute anyway, you're certainly not going to with a dolly baby to take care of as well.

Get a job, clear some debt and revisit when you're in a better position. Or do what a lot of people like you do and go the 'ooops, it was an accident' baby Confused

Serendipity79 · 07/04/2020 23:57

Why aren't you working? You currently have no children and could do any job. I worked in a chicken shop, did packing, and worked in a warehouse when I was young and had no commitments. You're 30? You have debts which your partner is clearing? What do you do all day? (Genuinely interested!)

A baby is a bad idea if you cant afford it. They can live with minimal stuff but its not ideal and your partner earns quite a low wage so you'd presumably be reliant on benefits in some way?

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