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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

176 replies

Yellowhearts · 07/04/2020 22:57

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

OP posts:

FirstTimeBumps · 08/04/2020 14:15

I think some of the responses on this thread offer sound advice but those coming here to just call OP immature etc need to check themselves and their harsh comments, on a post asking for advice! It always amazes me how horrible some people are on here considering its full of people who are hormonal and probably emotional themselves to throw horrible remarks at people asking for advice. OP I would consider getting a job first. Them at least you have some income you can pay off debts/save with and then you'll also be entitled to maternity pay (even though it's measly) whilst you are off. Every little helps. But as someone said very early on, if it's going to take you years to pay off and then a baby doesn't come along you're going to kick yourself. Whatever you decide good luck x

Cocobean30 · 08/04/2020 14:24

You cannot put the pressure on him to provide for you and a baby when he has nothing left each month and he is already paying off your debt some months! You need to put yourself in his position. What area are you in and what jobs are you applying for? There’s constantly warehouse jobs going all over the country, or call centres, maybe you need to lower your expectations. And get on benefits to pay your own debt.

Ginger1982 · 08/04/2020 14:27

So you want him to blow all the money his parents have invested for him on a wedding? What are you bringing to the table? He's already paying off all your debts.

You're 30 so you still have a good few years left to have kids.

FourDoughnutsForMe · 08/04/2020 14:30

If you've been unemployed for a year, but not on benefits & with no savings. How have you been paying your debt off?

You've got many child baring years ahead of you.

Planning a baby you can't afford. To plan to rely on benefits. Doesn't equal good mum!

Get a job. Help your bf pay the bills for a year. Clear your debt. Be an adult about it. So would both of your families.

Having a job that pays maternity leave is a huge weight off your shoulders when having a baby.

Trust me. Just getting by isn't going to be fun when you can't afford to do that the lovely things that you want to on mat leave.

You honestly come across like a big scrounger

Giganticshark · 08/04/2020 14:30

You don't even need to be debt free. I'm currently paying off debts and have 2 children. It's about managing your money, making sure there is enough for everyone. Enough for music/sports lessons, food, treats, birthdays, shoes, uniforms etc. As well as paying off your debts. Babies aren't expensive so if you get a job and pay off your debt before they start school that's a good position to be in

Sleepyquest · 08/04/2020 14:31

You sound awful sorry. I waited years to make sure my husband and I were in a stable financial position. We both worked hard and saved hard. And guess what? I will have to return to work before my baby is 1, I don't have the luxury of waiting until she is at school!
I'm surprised he is still with you. What do you do all day?! I think you need to get a job first before thinking about a baby.

Geepipe · 08/04/2020 14:34

Ok people are correct that having a baby in poverty is terrible but people need to fuck off pretending second hands clothes are awful and damaging to a kid. Im planning on ttc and my kid will be in 2nd hand clothes due to environmental factors as well as cost. Babies arent very expensive jn the begining and i'm pretty sure op can find a job after having a child. Shes not going to get pregnant and be forcably unemployed for the next 18 years.

Although op you do need to get over to the money and debt threads on here they are brilliant at helping manage your debt. Once the debt is minimised and you have a job no matter how small to begin with everything will seem better.

BellatrixLestat · 08/04/2020 14:35

You can't afford it.

Get a job, pay off your debts then think about it.

If your boyfriend is already covering all the household expenses. A minimum wage job bringing £1000 a month would clear your debts in 6 months.

What kind of job are you looking for?

Geepipe · 08/04/2020 14:37

Also op out of interest why are you not kn benefits like job seekers or is it UC now? That would be helpful until you can secure employment.

user1480880826 · 08/04/2020 14:37

Do not bring a baby into this mess.

Get a job. Grow up. Let your boyfriend start paying into his pension again rather than funding you to sit around doing nothing.

Mummyshark2018 · 08/04/2020 14:39

I think you need to focus on being more independent. I can't believe that you've been trying to get a job for a year and have not been able to. What sort of jobs have you applying for? I'm highly qualified but if I couldn't get a job in my chosen field I would do anything- nothing is beneath me if it means I'm supporting myself. Maybe you need to look at your priorities. Don't bring a baby into this, it's going to be very hard.

Whereland · 08/04/2020 14:39

You say you think you would manage and you'd figure it out- but how? Actually how? If there's no money left at the end of the month where will money suddenly come for for everything the baby needs?

Fucket · 08/04/2020 14:52

Geepipe, second hand clothes are all well and good for babies and small children. I certainly used many hand me downs.

However my kids are now at school and I like them to wear a new coat and shoes to school at the least. Kids who own no new clothes or shoes and always wear cast offs because their parents can’t afford to buy them any are living in poverty. If you can’t afford clothes then it’s only one small step to not affording a healthy balanced diet, putting the heating on when it’s cold etc. Poverty is linked to bad diets, obesity and therefore health problems.

It’s not a world I’d want to bring a child up in, I say that as a child who grew up in poverty. We were always so bloody cold at night, I’d cry because I was too cold to fall asleep. I never got new clothes and I was teased mercilessly by school peers. We also ate shite processed food because it was cheap, and I ended up fat as well.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 08/04/2020 15:00

Also op out of interest why are you not kn benefits like job seekers or is it UC now? That would be helpful until you can secure employment.

Because they don't qualify for them. Her partner earns over the threshold for a couple with no dependants. And it's likely they won't qualify even with a child, except for child benefit. Benefits are not the life of Riley a lot of people make out they are, which is why it's important to pay off debts, have stable finances and be able to provide for yourself before having a child.

Geepipe · 08/04/2020 15:01

Im sorry thats how your life was. I grew up in poverty and i had hand me down 2nd hand clothes as a teenager and still now as an adult wear 2nd hand charity shops clothes i guess thats entirely your own outlook. Wearing 2nd hand clothes doesnt mean you can't afford food and will end up with health problems. Of course thats some peoples situation but thats a stretch with the ops situation.

Plus people talking about the economic cost after the pandemic are being overly cautious warning people not to have kids because of this depression. Is all well and good when you have kids of your own to tell people without not to. A depression can last many many years, your biological clock not so much.

TeaMilkNoSugarThanks · 08/04/2020 15:12

I don't understand why people here think I am a sponge!

Because by your own statements, you live with your boyfriend and you pay no bills, including your own credit card bills, and you're desperate to embark on a really expensive new project that don't intend contributing to for a minimum of five years. You can call it "temporarily financial dependent", someone else might call it a sponge. Neither of you would be wrong.

Sorry if this sound harsh, OP, but the prevailing opinion on the thread so far might give you an inkling of why your DP's family aren't so keen.

KarenQuinn · 08/04/2020 15:15

YOU CAN BUY MINE?!

StealthMama · 08/04/2020 15:18

I think your second post puts you in a worse light than your first.

You don't have any money. None whatsoever. You have no savings. If yourboyfriend loses his job, you'll lose the house. You have zero life plan.

Why should your boyfriend spend an investment from his parents on you? Why blow it on marrying you instead of decreasing the mortgage so there a little more left at the end if the month? Or perhaps just having it for himself, given it's his money? Why do you feel entitled to his money?

Did you apply for any if the 45000 jobs that Tesco have recruited in the last 2 months?

You totally come across as an immature, whingey work shy sponger. I want a baby I don't want to work and everyone should make it happen for me.

I'm actually surprised your boyfriend hasn't done one. You've had enough chances to get your act together, but no.

Grow up and stop being so selfish. Children aren't fucking toys to occupy yourself with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2020 15:22

i'm pretty sure op can find a job after having a child.

How optimistic of you when she has apparently found no paid work at all in a year and has plenty of time and no responsibilities. Who’s going to pay for childcare when they’re barely making ends meet now?

gamerchick · 08/04/2020 15:27