Should I have a baby if I can't afford it?

[Yellowhearts]

Hi. This is my first time posting here and I really need some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I would really lime to have a baby soon (30) and my boyfriend would like to have a baby but he is worried about our finances. I lost my job over a year ago and my boyfriend earns £22k a year. All of his pay girls to our mortgage and household bills. He has no money to save at the end of each month so we don't have any savings to fall back on. He already opted out of his pension to help cover the bills so that's not an option either. We are very careful with what we have and don't go on holiday, eat out etc. I have my own credit card debts which he and family help with. I know it might sound selfish but I really want a baby. I know it sounds bad but I don't know if I could stay with my boyfriend if he didn't want us to start trying soon. I love my boyfriend but I really want to be a mum - it means so much to me! It's something I've always wanted.
Should I try and get my boyfriend to see that we could afford it? I don't want him to think I'm putting pressure on him to find money for a baby but I desperately want to be a mother. Ideally I would like to stay at home until our child(ren) are in school. What should I do? I'm really confused.

I agree a lot of horrible judgemental nastiness on this thread!!!

Wow - you can’t be serious?? Your boyfriend should run a mile - you need to focus on getting a job first - you won’t even be entitled to statutory maternity pay now?

You are being ridiculous and you are sponging off your boyfriend

Believe me I know how it feels to desperately want a baby - I’m 31 and am still going to wait another year or 2 to be in a better financial position!

I can’t believe you plan on just getting pregnant - spending entire pregnancy not working and then not even plan to go back to work afterwards?

Listen to go yourself ?

You contribute nothing to your household and your boyfriend is an absolute mug tbh

Yes it's natural OP but you are sponging.
If there is just enough money now to cover outgoings and nothing at all left to save how would you factor in another human to feed and clothe never mind extras like clubs or activities? A baby really quickly goes from tiny to wanting to do things.

You could pretty much walk into a retail job just now, super markets are crying out for staff.

Your boyfriend has a say in this too and if he doesn't want a baby yet then you have to accept it, not stamp your feet and say you can't be with him. At 30 there is no rush, and if you were that concerned you'd have sorted your situation out sooner:

Too many women decide they neeeeeed a baby and then end up alone with no money because they put their own selfish wants ahead of practicality and it's the child(ten) who suffer.

You haven't answered as you why you can't walk into a job now as there are places desperate for folk.

I hope OP pays attention to the very direct advice she is receiving.

Don't have a baby you can't afford while in a relationship that's not going well.

I wish more ladies would ask this question before they decide to bring their children up in poverty.

Also loving each other does not put food on the table, having a steady income does.
Your biological clock has plenty of time, stop using it as an excuse to trap your boyfriend.

There's loads of temporary jobs at supermarkets. Have you applied for any of them?

If you have been applying for jobs for a year you are being too picky. Supermarkets and the NHS need people now, people are being hired on the spot. You cannot afford a baby. Sort your life out first.

Hi OP, you really shouldn’t have come on here if you can’t take the advise of people who are telling you that it’s really not advised to have a baby in your situation . You’ve stated you have no money left over each month and your boyfriend doesn’t want to have a child yet in your current financial position so I think that’s your answer - don’t have one yet. Everything else aside, whether you know people who are ‘worse off’ than you, you still shouldn’t have one. You need to have a job, pay off your debts and fend for yourselves .
My husband and I wanted a baby a bit sooner (we are still young, 24 & 25 but did want to start a family a couple years ago when DH was 22 and I was 23) but decided to wait until we had been married a bit longer and enjoyed our married life first, save up on savings etc . We also wanted to finish the house renovation on the house we bought as it needed more work. It helps if you both work and have a good income, stable job, being married is always nice too. How would you afford childcare ? Our baby is due in August and when I go back to work off mat leave the childcare will be £500 a month for a childminder . Where would you get that from ? Be realistic and be an adult . Don’t be selfish and bring a child into the world when you have no money each each month.

OP do you have personal respect that makes you want to contribute to society rather than sponge off it?

I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe you couldn't get any work in over a year, even if it was agency work it's still money coming in.
I think you are selfish and I think you are the female version of a cock lodger.

You shouldn’t try and get your boyfriend to do anything. You wanting a baby doesn’t override his feelings. You don’t seem to be thinking logically at all, you have plenty of time to have a child, and that’s what it will be, a child. Babies grow up.

You have no idea of the hidden costs. It’s not just baby stuff, prams, cots, clothes, nappies.

When they go to nursery or pre school, it’s the contributions to activities, cake sales, crafts, sports days, Christmas fayres. Toddler groups, soft play, baby massage, ante natal groups and meeting for coffee, ice creams, birthday parties and presents.

Then school, again contributions to all their school trips (which start in reception), book week, book fayre, souvenirs from the Christmas nativity with your child’s picture on, thank you presents for the teachers, endless birthday parties and presents, your own child’s birthday party, residentials and the kit list that goes with it, school dinners aren’t free when they start year 3, daily milk cartons from reception onwards, school uniform which they grow out of, PE kit, school shoes, winter coat, sports day, refreshments in the playground, raising money for the school, donations for ice creams in summer, tuck shop. After school clubs. Activities after school and at weekends, swimming, gymnastics, football, martial arts. Learning an instrument. It all costs money.

This is all I can think of off the top of my head and mine are in primary. We haven’t even got to secondary expense yet. Costs creep in before you even realise.

And that’s on top of everything you’re already spending just to get by.

I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe you couldn't get any work in over a year, even if it was agency work it's still money coming in.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this. Right now I could believe it because this pandemic has thrown the economy down the toilet, but it's only been going on for a few weeks. You had a whole year.

Even if you couldn't find a job for a year (which I find hard to believe - even if it was just temping with an agency), could you not have done some volunteering or something to fill your time and add to your CV? Anything other than just sitting on your bum at home taking hand outs?

Supermarkets, 111, delivery companies, they're all advertising jobs right now, have you applied for any of those?
The NHS is asking for volunteers....have you looked into that?

There is no way I could sponge off my boyfriend for a year and i'd be mortified if I ever had to accept money from his family to pay my debts! My pride would have me doing the 'worst' job you can think of before it would let me do that.

Do you think having a baby is just sitting at home all day having fun?

Your boyfriend is 100% correct.

Just realised I forgot non-uniform days on my list. Damn.

Think about it OP...you will be all of the things you are now, which is- broke, bored, frustrated (at lack of money), resentful etc etc AND then you will feel tired, emotional,sore, not the shape/weight/ as toned as you want to be, and even more resentful at bf going off to work, even more lonely (because YES motherhood is lonely)sorry for yourself and baby at lack of funds to do nice things like baby groups, coffee with other mums, buy nice clothes. The list is ENDLESS and a recipe for a hell of a shit time tbh.

You need to wake up and get a job now.
Seriously, this man, with the support from his family, will have you out of the house and long gone, then you’ll have lost everything.

If this was my son, I’d be doing everything in my power to get rid of you. Waster.

I feel so bad for your boyfriend. You broke off your engagement in anger and you’ll break up with him if you don’t have a baby? He’s paying for you and your debts. You’re 30, your biological clock isn’t ticking. Get a job, get out of debt then get some savings put away and you both need to pay towards a pension. You sound incredibly immature. You’re not married and you don’t have a job so you could end up with absolutely nothing if he decided to leave you. Your wants don’t trump the needs of a precious baby that will grow into a child and then a teenager. Would you want to grow up skint? I certainly wouldn’t! Children are expensive and hard work. Please get your life together before you start procreating. Love alone can’t raise a baby. You need funds and security. It needs love and education and nutrition and a roof over its head. And what if you end up with twins? Even more expensive! You’re being very selfish and you know it.

Hey OP, I can completely understand your desire for a baby. I'm 31 and pregnant with my first and have wanted a baby for the last 3 years or so. The biological urge is real!
But ultimately, babies are hard work and cost a lot of money. You need to be prepared for that. You need to think about what you are bringing to this plan, and not rely on your partner's finances and position. It is unreasonable to expect him to pay for everything to do with a child, esp. using his investment money, if you are not also chipping in.
You need to get a job, asap. Start putting money away each month. Take a year to get things a bit more even. A relationship where one person is entirely supporting the other is out of balance and that lack of balance will easily lead to resentments. It's different if you already have a child and one parent takes time out to look after the kids, etc, and one parent works. But if you are planning a family, you need to come from a similar place - you BOTH need to be investing in this. NOT just your partner.

I can see that you love him, and it's true that in this day and age it can be hard to find work. But you need to make this your number one priority. Show your partner you can provide towards the household as well. He probably feels quite drained, paying all the bills AND helping with your debts; it is so, so understandable that he doesn't think you're ready for a family. You aren't. 22k is not very much money. And it is also the principle of it - you need to be investing too, not just him.

What happens if you break up when the baby is 1 or 2 years old? How will you support yourself?

You are 30, not 40. Bioligically, women tend to be able to conceive just fine until 35 (obviously some women struggle earlier than this, but on average, 35 is when fertility starts to drop a little, this is opposed to an earlier view that it was 30).
You have 5 years. You could plan to start trying at 32 - you then have 2 years. 32 is a great age to start trying. You could even plan to start tryng at 31. This gives you a year, and some motivation, to get a job and start investing in your future and not relying on your partner to do it all.

Good luck I do hope you get to have a family x

Also PLENTY of women have kids in their late 30s and early 40s, so, really, you have plenty of time. You could use 35 as a date by which you definitely want to be pregnant with your first at least, that can be helpful, but just know that you do actually have plenty of time.

To the people that have been rude about having a baby and a toddler in one bed flat it works for us we have a roof over our end we have money kids are fed and will
Never go with out and we are on a the property ladder so your negative comments keep to yourself

You might have a baby and a toddler in a one bed flat just fine but what do you plan to do when they are older? Seriously asking, not being goady.

@samjack really? It sounds like they're going without any actual space. But hey, if you're on the property ladder that's fine,right!? Christ 🙄

@samjacklogi88 I think you've missed the point in this thread. You and your partner are working hard and are on the property ladder and presumably have plans to move in the future as your kids get bigger. You're in a completely different position to the OP so try not to take it so personally. This thread is not about you.

FWIW I don't think there's anything wrong with living in a flat. We all have to start somewhere! It's more important that your kids have a loving home, food on the table and a roof over their head. We will be in a one bedroom flat when our first baby arrives!